Bella79 Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Hello, This is my first time on here. I'm looking for some other opinions as all my friends are as baffled and confused as I am about my situation. Long story short-a guy and I have been in a seudo relationship for about a year. He is 37, went through a bad divorce (he was cheated on). We have many mutual friends including my brother and cousin. He is also what I considered to be one of my best friends-we could talk and talk about almost anything (except our feelings) Just recently he bought a house (biggest commitment he has made since his divorce). I thought things were moving along quite well for us and that he realised how he was feeling about me. 3 weeks ago I was over at his house, and his daughter said "your daddy's girlfriend, daddy is your boyfriend. Daddy loves you" she is 6. When I was leaving she asked me to stay and was wondering when I would be back. Over the next few nights he was initiating texts and I also stayed one night. First person to stay at his new house etc. I had stayed at the place he used live plenty of times in the last year and he at mine. He also text me the night after I stayed, just something meaningless - teasing me as usual. Then I didn't hear from him for a few days. On the weekend we went out with my brother, cousin and a girlfriend of mine. She said the way he looks at me is something special. He left at midnight. My friend asked my brother what he thought and my brother said that he thinks the guy likes me a lot but is too chicken to make the next step. Then he went cold for a week. Then out of no where deletes me from Facebook, won't return my one phone call or text. I have asked him to return my things, but he has not done this either. I returned his along with a letter. We are very good at talking about everything but feelings, so I wrote them. Letting him know that I don't know what I had done, but I was hurt and confused and that I would miss him. A week later and I have not heard from him, however I found out today that he caught up with my brother the day after cutting me off, and has also spoken to him on the phone. I really don't understand. My friends think that he was not able to handle his feelings and has run...an immature way to handle the situation. But this is what they believe. I tend to agree based on his past, he has gone cold for a week now and then, but never cut me off without explaination, warning or reason. I know there is nothing I can do. But has anyone ever done this or experienced this?? After a year?
Philosoraptor Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 He does sound quite immature. He never took the time to end things as it was easier for him to just disappear than to open up and feel like the bad guy. Count yourself lucky you managed to get that immaturity out of your life. At 37... really?
Author Bella79 Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 Yes...37. What gets me is there were no warning signs. Nothing, he was doing most of the contacting etc. I actually really thought that we were on the up and up. When he met up with my brother, they didn't talk about it either. I can't help but think that because of my brother and also the fact that he has not returned my things that this is not over, and that it was quite a rash decision. As we have mutual friends, my brother is one of his best friends, he lives 2 minutes away from me and we go out to the same places.
Art_Critic Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 (edited) Bella... that sucks.. what an assclown, he broke up with you without so much as a conversation. It is obvious that it is his comfort level and he bolted, but there isn't any way to get him back that would make you feel all comfy and okay..and honestly would you want someone back that did this to you, you would always be looking over your shoulder to when you get deleted off his FB account again and never heard from again. I know it seems cliche, but be glad that he showed you who he was early on rather than a year or so later. If he does re-surface you need to be ready to call him out on all of his BS immature behavior and make sure you get what you need out of him to continue before going any further. Edited June 26, 2012 by Art_Critic
Pasttense Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 It could be you were the rebound person after his divorce broke up. It's very common that rebound relationships don't last. A possibility that occurred to me was that someone told him or he otherwise got the feeling that you were cheating on him.
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 You sound to me like the kind of woman that would make a good rebound not demanding anything serious at some point or commitment and you talk about everything but what is most important to a man...his emotions. So you've kind of just sat on the sidelines like a good little girl and been his side rebound/fling/available support/vagina for about a year. During this time he's probably dealt with a lot emotionally, trying to put the pieces back in order. Unfortunately it sounds like your time is up, you've basically been "fired" as your services are no longer needed and you're clearly not the kind of woman he wants to actually have a relationship with...you were the transition woman from his Divorce to being single again. Now that his daughter has taken a notice to you, maybe that's hit home as well...maybe he wants to get back with the ex-wife, maybe he doesn't want his daughter becoming attached to you and talking about you to other people..there are many things in this regard it could be. Otherwise I think you're just going to get some half-assed answer otherwise about how he wasn't ready, or still going through a lot etc...just excuses that should have probably been addressed months ago but since you've been just waiting around for this guy to do something serious with you, that's the kind of girl that usually gets placed to the side because when men want to be serious with a woman, when they're ready and they know it...they make that move. The way he's treating you right now is a pushing away process...he's probably too scared to tell you the truth and be honest and upfront with you and If anything, and he does talk to you again...try to get the truth so at least you'll move on and take away from this experience so you don't waste your time again...I mean unless you got years to burn. It sounds like he's close to the inner circle as well being friends with close people you know...which sucks, I'm sure he realizes it was a mistake by now (but I don't cut him much slack at 37 honestly, he's a grown man and should take more responsibilty instead of cower) and I think eventually you'll just get the same excuse and maybe you can be "friends" again.
skyisfalling Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 This is very similar to the situation I was in. He is either not ready for a relationship that is serious or he is a textbook commitment phobe. While struggling to cope with my MIA exbf I read a book called men who cant love and its really opened my eyes. Im sorry for your pain.. None of us deserve this.
veggirl Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Why do you say there were no signs? There were signs all over the place--the fact that this was a "pseudo" relationship and that you couldn't talk about your feelings. I'm really sorry but this was a ticking time bomb and something like this was bound to happen. If I was you I would email or text or call and leave a VM demanding my belongings back and tell him that if they have not been returned by X day you will be coming by with the police to get them back. What a jerk. I don't know why you would get into a pseudo R anyway...?
Recommended Posts