luvinthesun Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 I am not sure where to post. BF is taking me to a destination he has taken his past exs- the last 15 years or so- not quite sure. Constantly telling me how I wil like this or that- and he has seen everything there is to see...yadad. I have tried to talk with him about going to XYZ- a place we choose- that neither of us has been- but he discounts my feelings. So here we come - to his place. The good thing is that we wont be staying at the same place that he and exs did- just using the same company to find a house/cabin/chalet. He says he could understand if he has asked one of em to marry him there or something- but just a place he went every year with them. (Which I wouldn't do where me and my ex hubby went- but ex hubby does take his gf now.) We have never gone away together- not even a night. So he gives me their Web site to look (hours) and narrow down- using our dates. Calendars arent available. I find 3. Then I go to VRBO.com and find 3 (they do have a calendar.) Text em to bf. He says he likes two at place he sent me. Refuses to look at other places. Does say I should pick- but I feel I have done enough and not familiar with location/area... donno which are available ...so he should definitely decide. (I like em both- so just see if either is available.) He says he will call the company (management co) and let them recommend some place and they know their places and I am sure they can come up with something. ??? I just wondered how couples usually vacation together. I haven't had a vacation in about 6 years...
denise_xo Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 I usually take the lead on vacation planning in our home. My H doesn't like it much. I let him in on every stage of suggestions and decisions, but I have to do the research, look at possible flights, and so on. I wouldn't personally mind going somewhere where a partner had gone with exes, because it can be quite nice to go somewhere where one person knows the place and what's worth to see and do. That can save time for planning logistics and put more time towards just enjoying yourselves. But this is a personal thing so I understand if others feel differently. Having said that, it's great to also explore a new place together as a couple, so I like that way of travelling, too. In the case you describe, I think calling the company and getting a recommendation sounds like a good way to proceed, if neither of you have a strong preference for any of the places. It might help to think through what's important to you and what isn't (e.g. close to beach or city/ standard of the place, and so on and so forth). 1
pink_sugar Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 I have the opposite problem. My husband doesn't take much initiative to plan anything. He claims it's because he doesn't know what I'd like. I told him he could throw the ideas out there. I find I have to plan and choose everything. Gets old after awhile.
Author luvinthesun Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 I have never been to this place about 3 hrs away- and have not ever wanted to go. BF doesnt listen to my reasons. If he wants to call the leasing agency that is fine- but I dont understand wh he had me narrow it down- and then decide that...? I was kinda excited cause I felt like he was going to include me/listen to my input. He is picking everything- go herer- there kinda thing. First I thought it was just two nights- weekend and now he wants to make it longer. I know I am moaning and groaning but ... thanks
denise_xo Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 If you really don't want to go to that place, I think you should call it off. No point in the two of you going, and spending money, if you don't have any interest in it. I would never take my husband on a holiday to a place he explicitly told me he didn't want to go to. 1
make me believe Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 Uhh, is he always this controlling, ignoring your feelings, & discounting your opinions?? I see huge red flags here... If my H and I are planning a vacation we look online TOGETHER and pick activities, hotels, restaurants, that we BOTH are excited about. Your vacation doesn't even sound fun with how your boyfriend is acting. But why do you know all of this stuff about what he did with his exes? It's kinda weird that you seem to know where they stayed, what activities they did, etc, and now you have to avoid all of those things. Do you also refuse to go to restaurants in your town that he may have eaten at with them?? The bigger issue, though, is that your bf refuses to go anywhere else and doesn't care how you feel about it. I'm guessing this is indicative of how he treats you in general, because I can't imagine that this behavior all of a sudden appeared out of nowhere when it came time to plan a vacation. I dunno, I'd probably tell him his attitude is ruining it and that I wasn't interested in going anymore. 2
Snakechammah Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 I totally agree with the poster above. He seems so bossy. Girls are supposed to be Princess "I want this, this and this," Men are supposed to be more laid back and say, "Yes honey, sure we'll go there. Just tell me how much is the damage on my wallet, pack the bags and we'll go." It's strange to read that your dude is rather... self centred. Good luck with the trip!
KathyM Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 I think he sounds too controlling also and is not taking your feelings into consideration at all. I think you should have input into this vacation. He may have more experience in what the area has to offer, but you should also be doing a little research and finding activities/restaurants/sites that you would be interested in doing, and then run those by him and decide together what to do during the vacation. Don't allow him to dictate everything. You should be giving your input based on your interests, since this is supposed to be enjoyable for both of you, and then work out an agreement on it that you both would enjoy. 1
zengirl Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 He sounds not to care for your feelings and to be controlling, which is a larger issue. At any rate, re: Vacations. I generally plan and consult with Hubby. Vacations are mostly my thing, though he helps pick the place and will give me his Must-Dos and Will Not Dos.
joe44b Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 Dump him now. No use in spending any more time with a controlling person if you don't want to be controlled. Move on without wasting any more time.
KungFuJoe Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 You answered your question in your title: "together".
Author luvinthesun Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 Everything is about what he says I will like. He never does do anything I actually like ...even on regular "dates." It is always places he has been before...
Radagast Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 He sounds a bit Aspergers-y, afraid of new things and wanting to stick with tried and tested experiences, hoping you will enjoy them too. If this is a problem for you then you need to tell him and give him the chance to change. If he can't, your relationship will be riven with frustration for you in the future. When we plan holidays, my wife and I agree a set of criteria that are non-negotiable, a list of things we'd like but are not critical, and a list of deal-breakers. Then both research options, and short-list possibilities that comply with our lists. Anything that doesn't meet all the non-negotiable criteria is scrapped, any deal breakers are scrapped, and those with a greater number of "nice-to-haves" get ranked higher than those with fewer. Then we share our findings with each other and agree a ranking of which we'd both favour over other options, and then check out logistics to see which are possible. We've never been anywhere either of us hated, as a result.
Els Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 I do all of our vacation planning, with his input/veto, which is only fair since he is more busy by far and pays the majority of the expenses. So I don't think it's automatically a bad thing for one person to do the planning, assuming that person wants to and is presumably excited about this vacation. ...But you aren't. Why does your bf insist on going to a place that you don't want to go to, even after you told him that??? That is what boggles the mind. If he really wants to go and you don't, why doesn't he go himself and you both can go somewhere else that you both like together? It sounds strange that someone who loves you would discount your preferences like that. Frankly, sounds even stranger to me that you would just go along with that, albeit unhappily.
MissBee Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 (edited) I have never been to this place about 3 hrs away- and have not ever wanted to go. BF doesnt listen to my reasons. If he wants to call the leasing agency that is fine- but I dont understand wh he had me narrow it down- and then decide that...? I was kinda excited cause I felt like he was going to include me/listen to my input. He is picking everything- go herer- there kinda thing. First I thought it was just two nights- weekend and now he wants to make it longer. I know I am moaning and groaning but ... thanks Him not listening to you is the biggest point of concern for me. A vacation is supposed to be fun and something both people will enjoy. Not one person's idea and your boyfriend shouldn't try to force you to go where you don't want to. The fact that he doesn't include you or listens to your input is a huge problem for me...I can't date someone who acts like that. it's a vacation for God's sake, it should be fun, not him being in charge dragging you to places you don't want to go to as though you're his teenaged child and not his partner. Edited July 4, 2012 by MissBee
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