canuckgirl7 Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Hi guys, I just joined today to look for honest advice. Sorry that this post is super long. So I met this guy at a party back in March (Ryan). I actually met him and his two other brothers the same night. His brother (Chase) originally asked me out, but then stopped talking to me when Ryan added me to facebook. I tried messaging Chase, but he didn't respond so I thought why not go for Ryan because I was originally interested in him. We messaged back and forth and eventually he asked for my number. We texted a few times and planned to hang out a couple of times but it didn't work out. Then we stopped talking for a few weeks. One Friday night we ended up hanging out at a bar and then a few of us went back to his place and him and I ended up cuddling, but nothing else. My friend is seeing his older brother (Jack). Jack invited us both to their house and he texted me telling me that Ryan was there. So I agreed to go. Ryan and I ended up cuddling again and again that's all that happened. The next couple of times we hung out, he asked me to hang out and it was just me and him at his place. The second time we ended up making out and he carried me to his bed where we continued, but I didn't let it go all the way. I explained to him that I'm a virgin. He seemed cool about it. The next week he asked to hang out again and we did and it was the same thing.. making out and him taking me to his bed, but we didn't go all the way. This time we both fell asleep in bed and early in the morning he took me home. 5 days later he texted me to see if I was home to drop off my ipod that I forgot at his house. I thought maybe this was his way of saying he didn't intend on seeing me again because if he wanted me over he wouldn't need to bring me my ipod, but he asked me if I was free that night to hang out. I said yeah and he said he would give me a call later that day. He didn't call so later that night I texted him and asked what happened and told him I was excited about hanging out. He apologized and said he lost track of time and asked to reschedule on Wednesday (A couple days later). I said fine and then on Wednesday he texted me telling me he had to cancel. He didn't try to reschedule and so a few days later on Saturday I asked him if he was getting up to anything exciting on the weekend and he said he was going camping and asked me. I said I had my friend's bday, but that was it. Then he mentioned that we should hang out and I said yeah we should sometime soon and he said yea. That was 3 weeks ago. I know he obviously lost interest since I've been told many times that if a guy is interested he will talk to you. So I'm wondering why he lost interest... Was it because I was too easy getting into bed with him (even though we didn't have sex)? Why would he suggest hanging out if he didn't really intend to? Do you think he will come around? I haven't texted him at all. When he dropped of the ipod, was that when it was really over and he's just been trying to let me down easy?
USMCHokie Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Quick question...are you all in middle/high school...? You haven't really been on a legitimate date with the guy yet...you just go to hang out at his house...
Author canuckgirl7 Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 Haha sadly I have been out of high school for 5 years. I know it all sounds immature, but I'm just not good with this stuff. I'm really not experienced with dating. He acts like he likes me when we're together and plays the gentleman, holding the car door open and walking me to my door. We talk a lot when we're together, it not just making out like I probably made it sound. I know we weren't dating or anything because as you said we've never been on a date so I know I can't say we dated. I just mean some stuff happened with us so obviously there was interest, even if just some physical attraction. I just am curious as to what happened. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
USMCHokie Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 I just am curious as to what happened. He's probably just as inexperienced, if not moreso, than you are. He never asked you out on a proper date. You kept coming over to his house and didn't put out. It's probably a combination of him getting blue balls and his complete lack of balls for not asking you out. Move along.
Pyro Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 (edited) My guess is that you didn't put out so he lost interest. When you two did hang out did you talk at all? Meaning did you feel like you two were connecting? Did the conversations feel forced or were they pretty easy going? Edited June 26, 2012 by Pyro
Author canuckgirl7 Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 He's probably just as inexperienced, if not moreso, than you are. He never asked you out on a proper date. You kept coming over to his house and didn't put out. It's probably a combination of him getting blue balls and his complete lack of balls for not asking you out. Move along. He's actually really experienced and he's 28. So yeah, maybe he just was never interested in anything more than getting laid? My guess is that you didn't put out so he lost interest. When you two did hang out did you talk at all? Meaning did you feel like you two were connecting? Did the conversations feel forced or were they pretty easy going? Yes, we talked quite a bit. I did feel like we were connecting. The conversations weren't forced. He seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me, what my hobbies were, stuff about family and relationships and work and stuff. He seemed cool with me being a virgin and he said he wouldn't cross any lines and do anything I wasn't comfortable with. Those couple of times we did end up getting physical we would stay up after lying in bed talking for a couple hours. He did ask me (he said just out of curiosity) what I was waiting for and I said I just didn't want to throw it away on a fling or something that didn't mean anything. He had asked about previous relationships and stuff and if I was waiting for marriage and I said I wasn't waiting for marriage, and that the last guy I would have done it with if it had led to a relationship, something more than just seeing each other. I'm worried that he lost interest because I didn't put out, which is kind of sad, but my fault for letting it get to bed knowing I wouldn't do that. I guess I should have stopped before it got to that point and tried to build something more meaningful, like gotten to know each other better and hung out somewhere besides his house.
manup Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 He's actually really experienced and he's 28. So yeah, maybe he just was never interested in anything more than getting laid? Yes, we talked quite a bit. I did feel like we were connecting. The conversations weren't forced. He seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me, what my hobbies were, stuff about family and relationships and work and stuff. He seemed cool with me being a virgin and he said he wouldn't cross any lines and do anything I wasn't comfortable with. Those couple of times we did end up getting physical we would stay up after lying in bed talking for a couple hours. He did ask me (he said just out of curiosity) what I was waiting for and I said I just didn't want to throw it away on a fling or something that didn't mean anything. He had asked about previous relationships and stuff and if I was waiting for marriage and I said I wasn't waiting for marriage, and that the last guy I would have done it with if it had led to a relationship, something more than just seeing each other. I'm worried that he lost interest because I didn't put out, which is kind of sad, but my fault for letting it get to bed knowing I wouldn't do that. I guess I should have stopped before it got to that point and tried to build something more meaningful, like gotten to know each other better and hung out somewhere besides his house. Not your fault at all. You told him you were a virgin, it's not like you're a slutty girl who isn't putting out. I'd get rid of him and be more up front with the next guy you are interested in.
curlygirl40 Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 He did ask me (he said just out of curiosity) what I was waiting for and I said I just didn't want to throw it away on a fling or something that didn't mean anything. He had asked about previous relationships and stuff and if I was waiting for marriage and I said I wasn't waiting for marriage, and that the last guy I would have done it with if it had led to a relationship, something more than just seeing each other. I'm worried that he lost interest because I didn't put out, which is kind of sad, but my fault for letting it get to bed knowing I wouldn't do that. I guess I should have stopped before it got to that point and tried to build something more meaningful, like gotten to know each other better and hung out somewhere besides his house. Let this guy go. Sure he obviously had SOME interest in something, but not enough interest in you as a person to even take you out on a single date. He likes you enough to fool around with you when you are there, but not enough to date you. Respect yourself more than to spend any more of your time and energy trying to figure this guy out. It's pretty simple. He's just not that into you. The part that I bolded, you pretty much told him right here that this is your price, so to speak. You don't want to sleep with someone if it's casual, if you're not in a relationship, if it's only a fling. Sure you went further than you should have with this guy, but he probably has since realized that you're not going to go all the way with him unless he offers you something more. So his 'losing interest' is him either realizing he's not going to have sex with you unless he offers you something more, or him having a conscience and deciding to not continue to try to bed you since you told him right here that you are 'not that kinda girl'. Next time don't snuggle and cuddle and go to bed with a guy who doesn't have the decency to get to know you not through pillow talk only but who wants to get to know you over dinner, or a walk in the park or along the beach, or a cup of coffee at least. Don't worry about him losing interest because you didn't put out. That's not the case at all. He might have lost interest in trying to get you in bed again, but he was never really interested in being in a relationship with you to begin with. If that was the case he would have asked you out on a date. You can't lose something you didn't have.
oldshirt Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 I agree with what all the other posters have said about this particular situation. Let me give you a little general grandmother advice that applies in general to many other things. Actions speak louder than words and actions rarely lie. A person can say anything but it's what they DO that defines who and what they are. If people's actions and words don't match up then it is just $h!t flowing out their mouth. A guy can say anything and tell you what you want to hear but if he isn't backing it up with actions it's just $h!t coming out his mouth. As the other posters have said, if he was sincerely interested he would have been there and he would've taken you out on a proper date(s) He would have made the time to come to you as opposed to just having you come over to "hang out" when it was convenient for him. Here is another tibdit of information for future reference. Guys rarely formally break up with women if they are actually dating and for all practical purposes never expressly tell someone they are just casually seeing that they don't wish to continue....they just stop calling and they just stop coming around. If you show up at their house in the middle of the night and they have a full tank, they will gladly bang ya and drain their tank in ya but if they aren't calling and they aren't showing up, then it means they aren't sincerely interested. 30 years ago people knew all of this and it's stuff mothers and grandmothers used to tell their girls when they were young but for some reason people seem to have forgotten things that everyone knew years ago.
oldshirt Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 now all that being said, I really don't see any foul here by either you or him. You guys met, there was a little spark, you spent some time together and I think there was a little interest on both sides. I think he was more interested in banging one out than developing a relationship and I think you were a little more interested in developing a relationship than banging one out. But you each felt each other out and you each made an attempt and you did communicate with each other and you were simply not on the same sheet of music and things never really got past a certain point for either of you and so things simply kinda faded away. but no real harm here. He made an attempt to bed you but you stated your boundries and he didn't date rape you, he didn't try to get you skunk-drunk, he didn't try to pressure you or lie to you or manipulate you. He simply realized you weren't a party-girl or a playa and he wasn't interested in formally dating you and engaging in a real relationship with you and so he simply let you go on your way while he went on his. Same is true of you. You spent time with him and enjoyed his company and was entertained by him and you gave him plenty of opportunity to man-up and take you on some proper dates. You didn't lie to him or manipulate him or lead him on or promise to bang him without committment and you stated your "price for admission" to get into your pants and he wasn't willing to pay that price. No harm, no foul here. You were two people that caught each others eye and spent some time together to get to know each other and you found that you were wanting to go to different places and so things faded away without pain or drama or any real harm. A little disappointment? yes, but no actual harm or foul. This was a near-miss. You'll likely have lots of them over the years. As long as people are upfront and honest and as long as they are respectfull and compassionate with each and communicate their objectives and boundries it's perfectly OK and probably how things SHOULD work.
Author canuckgirl7 Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 (edited) Not your fault at all. You told him you were a virgin, it's not like you're a slutty girl who isn't putting out. I'd get rid of him and be more up front with the next guy you are interested in. Thanks for the advice. I'll definitely be more upfront with the next guy and not let things happen so fast. Listen, if the guy has the balls to pick you up and carry you to his bed because he's hoping to get laid, then he's NOT "too shy and too inexperienced" to ask you out and treat you like a lady. He never asked you out because he wasn't interested in dating you. He was looking to get laid. He saw you as a possible lay and nothing more. What kind of jerk ONLY invites a woman to "hang out" at his place and doesn't ask her out on a proper date? A jerk like "Ryan" whose only looking to get laid. The reason you haven't heard from the little neanderthal is because he didn't get what he wanted as easily as he'd hoped, and he knows it would be way too much work and effort to get a "yes" out of you. So he'll go elsewhere to get that easier 'yes' from someone else. Good for you, Canuck. Don't ever settle AGAIN for some classless jerk whose idea of a good time is 'hanging out and cuddling' and dragging you into his bedroom. Thanks for taking the time to read my post and respond. I guess because I'm stuck in the situation and have started to develop feelings for him my judgment isn't that good, but when I hear it from someone else who's just giving the honest truth it is becoming more clear to me that you and everyone else is right, he was probably just looking to get laid and him wanting to get to know me better and playing the gentleman was part of the game to get me in bed. Thanks, I won't let this happen again. I think I've learned what not to do. I just need to stop thinking about this guy since he obviously isn't worth spending more time with. The part that I bolded, you pretty much told him right here that this is your price, so to speak. You don't want to sleep with someone if it's casual, if you're not in a relationship, if it's only a fling. Sure you went further than you should have with this guy, but he probably has since realized that you're not going to go all the way with him unless he offers you something more. So his 'losing interest' is him either realizing he's not going to have sex with you unless he offers you something more, or him having a conscience and deciding to not continue to try to bed you since you told him right here that you are 'not that kinda girl'. Don't worry about him losing interest because you didn't put out. That's not the case at all. He might have lost interest in trying to get you in bed again, but he was never really interested in being in a relationship with you to begin with. If that was the case he would have asked you out on a date. You can't lose something you didn't have. Thanks for your advice. You're right. I did go further with him than I should have. In the future I'll definitely keep all this is mind and make sure a guy wants to get to know me through dinner or coffee or somewhere that's not his bedroom. Actions speak louder than words and actions rarely lie. A person can say anything but it's what they DO that defines who and what they are. If people's actions and words don't match up then it is just $h!t flowing out their mouth. As the other posters have said, if he was sincerely interested he would have been there and he would've taken you out on a proper date(s) He would have made the time to come to you as opposed to just having you come over to "hang out" when it was convenient for him. Here is another tibdit of information for future reference. Guys rarely formally break up with women if they are actually dating and for all practical purposes never expressly tell someone they are just casually seeing that they don't wish to continue....they just stop calling and they just stop coming around. If you show up at their house in the middle of the night and they have a full tank, they will gladly bang ya and drain their tank in ya but if they aren't calling and they aren't showing up, then it means they aren't sincerely interested. Thanks for your advice. You're right actions speak louder than words. I guess it should just be obvious to me that he's not interested anymore, but I keep giving myself false hope that he'll come around and he's not. The other day he commented on a picture that was posted on my facebook wall and when I replied with a joke he didn't reply back. He's friends with my sister and talks to her on facebook occasionally so why won't he completely back off? I think he was more interested in banging one out than developing a relationship and I think you were a little more interested in developing a relationship than banging one out. but no real harm here. He made an attempt to bed you but you stated your boundries and he didn't date rape you, he didn't try to get you skunk-drunk, he didn't try to pressure you or lie to you or manipulate you. He simply realized you weren't a party-girl or a playa and he wasn't interested in formally dating you and engaging in a real relationship with you and so he simply let you go on your way while he went on his. Same is true of you. You spent time with him and enjoyed his company and was entertained by him and you gave him plenty of opportunity to man-up and take you on some proper dates. You didn't lie to him or manipulate him or lead him on or promise to bang him without committment and you stated your "price for admission" to get into your pants and he wasn't willing to pay that price. No harm, no foul here. You were two people that caught each others eye and spent some time together to get to know each other and you found that you were wanting to go to different places and so things faded away without pain or drama or any real harm. A little disappointment? yes, but no actual harm or foul. Thanks again. Yeah, I guess we are just looking for different things and since he never took me out on a proper date I really shouldn't have let it get as far as it did. It is disappointing because I started to develop feelings for him. I wish he didn't act so interested in getting to know me, but as you said I can't blame him for this. Edited June 26, 2012 by canuckgirl7
curlygirl40 Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Here is another tibdit of information for future reference. Guys rarely formally break up with women if they are actually dating and for all practical purposes never expressly tell someone they are just casually seeing that they don't wish to continue....they just stop calling and they just stop coming around. If you show up at their house in the middle of the night and they have a full tank, they will gladly bang ya and drain their tank in ya but if they aren't calling and they aren't showing up, then it means they aren't sincerely interested. QUOTE] I second this. I wish I could remember the exact quote I read in a book but the gist was this. A man would rather chew his arm off to get himself out of a trap than to tell you he doesn't like you anymore/is not interested/does not want to see you again. So that's why you need to pay attention to his actions because he won't tell you. Partly maybe not to hurt your feelings, and possibly partly to keep you on a string incase he changes his mind when he has the opportunity to cuddle with you later. Women are so used to looking for little signs to tell if the guy is interested that we tend to ignore the BIG signs that he's not that interested. If a man wants to be with you, he will not leave you guessing. Also, just for the record, I know women are like this also. It's 'easier' sometimes to just fall off and stop texting, stop taking calls, etc. than to have to hurt someone's feelings. So I know we do it also.
InJest Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Don't make out with a guy and sleep in his bed unless you're going to have sex with him. That's a surefire way to repel most men whether they're interested in a relationship, or just sex.
Author canuckgirl7 Posted June 27, 2012 Author Posted June 27, 2012 If a man wants to be with you, he will not leave you guessing. Also, just for the record, I know women are like this also. It's 'easier' sometimes to just fall off and stop texting, stop taking calls, etc. than to have to hurt someone's feelings. So I know we do it also. Thanks, yeah everyone says that. If a guy is interested it will be obvious to you. I guess I have to move on from this guy. Don't make out with a guy and sleep in his bed unless you're going to have sex with him. That's a surefire way to repel most men whether they're interested in a relationship, or just sex. Yeah, I know. I wasn't trying to be a tease or anything. The first time it happened everything happened so fast, we had our first kiss and before I knew it he was carrying me to his bed, but then I told him as soon as we got there that I was a virgin and we talked about it and he said he was fine with that and wouldn't try to cross that line. We saw each other again, him knowing I wouldn't sleep with him and after that he asked to see me again, but then started bailing on plans he would make with me. So it's weird that if he's not interested he would keep initiating plans to hang out.
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