Boynextdoor Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Well, first and foremost I'd like to thank all the fellow LS's for the support and advices that you guys have/had give me.. (Thank in advance for the future Advices! ) I've learned a lot in my 2 months stay here. I remember the first day of my post I was torn apart, felt like I got hit by a bus head on. (over and over everyday). Life will be giving us things to deal with that will either make us or break us. When she left me I was so all over the place. Did this did that (needy,clingy,flower kinda guy although I did this once,acts of persuasion,etc). Even lost myself in the process my confidence,my self esteem, my MOJO, my guts, optimism and almost went crazy. (Good thing I didnt). Lets say that my relationship has something to deal with co-dependency. Little does she know that I was being "co-dependent" with her as well. She was my LUCKY CHARM! Well, when I the martian decided to go to my "cave" to deal with my issues (family,life,finances,future with us etc.) My intentions were for the bennefit of both. Coz 2 months ago she's preparing for her BOARDS. She wasn't aware of the deep crap that I was in. To cut it short when I initiated to go to my "CAVE" she felt like I was leaving her and such. Which was never my intention to do so. Tried to talk it out to her and all that. Til I told her what I am dealing with and such. I do accept the fact that she didn't understand it because she is so focused with this BOARD of hers that her decision is to generally cut me off in her life. (deleting our memories pics,unfriended me in fb, from LC to NC). All my life i've been very supportive of her and all of her acts. That's why I dont blame her for feeling neglected by me. Wherein I felt the same thing coz when I asked for it I tried to consider our situation and thought that we could use it to our advantage since we are "SO PREOCCUPIED with STUFF/WITH EVERYTHING" Well, I was hurt totally hurt like a bus rammed me over and over again. I tried to held on what I have left. But then I asked myself what do I have left? I did everything in my power to win her back and all which is basically through the influence of listening to my feelings and my head. If I only new about this NC and LC stuff could have done that from day one. Now you would ask me why am posting this stuff here? Well, Now I was able to somewhat find the switch of this emotions of mine and decided to turn it "idle/off" first and of course guard up with the unknown. With all of the acts that was done in her part I guess its normal because she was hurt as well. But then no act of "RETALIATION" was done from my part. That is because when you LOVE the person dearly. All you gotta do is take it all and just eat it. Like what I did with my pride.. Well I used to have the same POV when we "were" together. I never locked her with the idea of just being with me cOz she have her friends, family etc to make her happy. She got complaisant of my company and not caring much with others. Although arguments were our common problem. But we always find a way to fix it and patch it up. I had issues with temper and drinking which I was able to deal with at an earlier phase of our life. I focused in her alone and nothing but her. So the fact that I decided to deal with my issues in the "CAVE" made her feel unappreciated and neglected. Now, I decided to just back down for a while.. Not to retaliate with the defensive acts..I just wana focus on ME and just be a better man. Deactivated my fb and continued to detach myself. One thing I've learned is that "Ignorance is BLISS" Its time to win back my COOL,OPTIMISM, and I think its time to give care for myself. I haven't had the experience of her calling back or what not because during the 2 months time it was always me who initiates the acts. But to me everything was real. I GAVE HER MY ALL. And I knew that she did the same. Time will come that she may/will understand where I was coming from. I know we didn't have the perfect relationship but then one thing that I was able to prove to her is that during our times together I showed her that my will to change when needs to be corrected and the will to always think of her wellness and always put her first without question. All I do is DELIVER. So I think I did a good job here. She was just being her and I was just being me. I guess. I've always wanted to have a 2nd chance with her although now my acts will be switched to being passive. Because now I was able to somewhat control my emotions by switching it "idle" for a while. I want her to see that even til the end I have been very supportive of her all throughout. I took the breakup constructively and controlled myself not to be destructive. I went to the GYM full time, focused at work full time (proud to say that my drinking sprees during the early weeks are over),Lots of reading here and there. (50% of it LS forums). Now im starting to feel good of myself in which I will continue to do so.. Again I thank ya'll for the wonderful advices and support that you guys have/had given me. It really means a lot. Being here is like seeing a the best specialist in town. Keeping my head up and my hair down!
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