USMCHokie Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Regardless of whether you're messaging over an online dating site or meeting someone in real life, how important is it to you that the other person ask questions of their own to further a conversation? How much patience do you have for people that simply respond to your questions and don't come back with questions of their own? And I'm not necessarily talking about the standard "interview" questions...I'm talking about random, yet relevant, questions that arise during the course of conversation that guide it to new and interesting topics...and all you get from them is a response and a blank stare...forcing you to jumpstart the proverbial car again... Is this a reflection of conversational ability (or inability)...? Or simply a lack of interest...? Is it a dealbreaker for you...?
oaks Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 There are other ways to advance a conversation, such as introducing new information or new topics that aren't strictly answers to the previous question, but I agree that it's hard to have a conversation if all the other person does is answer what you asked. If it's online I lose interest (because I perceive lack of interest on her part) and I even wonder "why did you even reply to me if that's all you're going to say? " 1
Author USMCHokie Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 There are other ways to advance a conversation, such as introducing new information or new topics that aren't strictly answers to the previous question, but I agree that it's hard to have a conversation if all the other person does is answer what you asked. If it's online I lose interest (because I perceive lack of interest on her part) and I even wonder "why did you even reply to me if that's all you're going to say? " Yes, there are certainly other ways to keep a conversation moving, such as offering an anecdote or commenting on an observation of the surroundings; so I'll include those along with questions in my original question. Is there a certain point where you just say f*ck it and go about your day?
Seneca Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 how important is it to you that the other person ask questions of their own to further a conversation? How much patience do you have for people that simply respond to your questions and don't come back with questions of their own? Well when you are actively listening you can usually find pieces of information that she gives you to carry the conversation further... I like to make statements about what answers she gives and usually banter with her on it. If she doesn't respond positively to anything and just doesn't seem interested, then you pretty much just say, "Next" and you move on...
Author USMCHokie Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 Well when you are actively listening you can usually find pieces of information that she gives you to carry the conversation further... And so can she...but when she fails to do anything to further the conversation other than give a stale answer or response to something you asked or said, it simply gets tiring to keep the conversation going by actively listening and putting forth all the effort... If she doesn't respond positively to anything and just doesn't seem interested... Is her lack of active listening skills enough for you to conclude that she's not interested...? Or do you ever give her the benefit of the doubt and credit it to shyness, social awkwardness, or completely lack of conversational ability...?
TheFinalWord Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Regardless of whether you're messaging over an online dating site or meeting someone in real life, how important is it to you that the other person ask questions of their own to further a conversation? How much patience do you have for people that simply respond to your questions and don't come back with questions of their own? And I'm not necessarily talking about the standard "interview" questions...I'm talking about random, yet relevant, questions that arise during the course of conversation that guide it to new and interesting topics...and all you get from them is a response and a blank stare...forcing you to jumpstart the proverbial car again... Is this a reflection of conversational ability (or inability)...? Or simply a lack of interest...? Is it a dealbreaker for you...? I know what you mean! I think that the whole communication factor is part of the chemistry equation There have been two women in my life that I could just talk to for hours and hours. It just flowed without effort. Others where it felt like a chore to extract three words. I do try to give it a few times b/c it can take a few times of hanging out for someone to get to know enough about you to ask questions that can lead to quality conversations. But sometimes that communication spark just isn't there and you have to cut it off. Conversations should be energizing, not draining
Seneca Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Is her lack of active listening skills enough for you to conclude that she's not interested...? Or do you ever give her the benefit of the doubt and credit it to shyness, social awkwardness, or completely lack of conversational ability...? If she is not contributing at all to the conversation. It's a lack of interest... If she is shy, socially awkward, or lacks conversational ability. You can gauge from her body language that she is interested but doesn't know how to come across. I've met shy women who were flustered around me. They didn't talk much but you can tell from how they react towards you.
Seneca Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 I do try to give it a few times b/c it can take a few times of hanging out for someone to get to know enough about you to ask questions that can lead to quality conversations. But sometimes that communication spark just isn't there and you have to cut it off. Conversations should be energizing, not draining Yes, I used to walk away from a date feeling like I was in boxing match for an hour. Conversations that go nowhere can drain you mentally. That's why you should always be willing to walk away when you feel like it is not going anywhere...
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 If I am not contributing a lot to conversation it's always because I am not interested and wish this person would leave me alone or that the date would end (this is mostly for online dates). Even when I am talking a to a friend, if I like them, I will tell a lot of stories and ask questions of my own. In other words, if I am interested and if a guy is receptive and does contribute more to conversation than one word answers (which would indicate his lack of interest), I do not need to be asked questions.
Author USMCHokie Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 You can gauge from her body language that she is interested but doesn't know how to come across. I've met shy women who were flustered around me. They didn't talk much but you can tell from how they react towards you. And I'm so glad you brought this up. How long would you be able to deal with this...? What if she was seemingly interested but just a terrible conversationalist...? Do you hope that she can "practice" enough with you to speak intelligibly...? Or do you just settle for what you've gotten...? What if two years down the line you are finally fed up with her lack of communication in your relationship...? Was it your fault for putting it up with it for so long...? Sorry for the endless string of questions, but I've been rockin' the Socratic Method for a little while now...and I seem to like it...
Author USMCHokie Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 In other words, if I am interested and if a guy is receptive and does contribute more to conversation than one word answers (which would indicate his lack of interest), I do not need to be asked questions. I agree that in the course of a conversation that flows naturally, few questions actually need to be asked...but in the early stages, especially for online dating, the asking of questions suggests that you actually want to know something about the other person or that other person's thoughts/views on something...so that's why my first post focused on question asking itself...but given Seneca's post, I'd expand it to any technique that furthers conversation...
Emilia Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Lack of interest or lack of social skills, doesn't matter. A person not contributing to the conversation is boring and I move on quickly. It's not that hard to make an effort so if they can't be bothered then I can't be bothered.
ascendotum Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Is this a reflection of conversational ability (or inability)...? Or simply a lack of interest...? Is it a dealbreaker for you...?yeah <Blank stare> I guess so <Blank stare> I dunno<Blank stare> lol<Blank stare> sometimes<Blank stare> yeh I know<Blank stare> like, I agree<Blank stare> like, you know<Blank stare> whateva<Blank stare> It could easily be both, though I generally go with 'lack of interest'. Is it a dealbreaker. Totally. If the initial conversations are hard work, then forget it. Also I dont have the tolerance for it anymore, even if the woman is sexy as.
Seneca Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 And I'm so glad you brought this up. How long would you be able to deal with this...? What if she was seemingly interested but just a terrible conversationalist...? Do you hope that she can "practice" enough with you to speak intelligibly...? Or do you just settle for what you've gotten...? What if two years down the line you are finally fed up with her lack of communication in your relationship...? Was it your fault for putting it up with it for so long...? Sorry for the endless string of questions, but I've been rockin' the Socratic Method for a little while now...and I seem to like it... Brilliant! I like Socrates. Here's my Socratic way of answering. Say you bought a car off of looks knowing that this car gets terrible gas mileage. Knowing you had to extensively commute long hours. When gas prices go up and you can longer afford to run the car. Wouldn't the fault lie with you? Ok that may have been a terrible attempt at answering in a Socratic way. But the point is you have to have set standards for what type of women you want in your life.
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 It's really important for me to be able to talk and connect with someone as for me it shows compatibility/chemistry, however some people need more time to warm up around you and I usually take things at a different pace If they're shyer and don't just have one shade to my personality so I'll adjust...usually when you can make a person feel comfortable they can start to talk more freely but some people just aren't conversationalist or It's just not clicking. I try to be polite and respectful/gentlemanly regardless of the situation...sometimes I'm not interested in anything because I can tell she's not my type, but make polite and casual conversation as I'm fairly personable regardless. If we still don't connect we don't connect...In fact I'd rather make a woman feel like she rejected me If and when it's possible so she's more easily able to move on (more of a confident boost and I feel guilty when a woman has her hopes up and you know you're not going to contact her again) however usually they were interested/willing to continue dating...and I realize that my behavior can send mixed signals so I'll have to shoot the not interested/good luck text because I know they may be waiting. Personally I have pretty high expectations in flow of conversation...I feel like If I can have a good conversation that flows naturally and we get to know each other well and seem on the same wave-length then that's my expectation there. That's really important to me so the chances of meeting someone in two or three quick text messages is pretty minimal even If they are very attractive. If it's over phone and I hadn't talked to them in person very long already, then I still at least try and expect to get to know them and If the conversation goes really well and is easy flowing then I know I'm probably going to connect with this person on some level...so that's a good sign. I've tried being open and dating women that were shyer and typically less confident and they tended to be intimidated and insecure because my strengths exacerbated their weaknesses in their own eyes (I never looked at it that way, this is what I've been told in so many words)...and they were used to dating men that were less so, for lack of a better term.."beta" types and they related more to those men as it was more on their own level...they tended to be more passive, shyer, or reserved.
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 And I hope you're thinking of questions you're going to ask me on our man date Hokie in LA with Titania! 2
RedRobin Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 I can't say I really have a preference of asking or being asked questions. It more depends on their tone and their willingness to also share. Some people's style is to just volunteer things and let the other person jump in with their own experiences and it goes back and forth that way. Others tend to ask/answer direct questions in order to keep things rolling. My preference in the beginning is to volunteer things and then see what they volunteer or ask questions about. It seems more respectful and less intrusive. I would ask general get-to-know-you questions without prying too much. I've had men come at me rather hard-nosed very early, or overly personal, and it is a big turn off. In those situations, I'll go with it and fire a few back. It is a huge red flag if I answer such questions and they don't volunteer similar... or if they refuse to answer equally personal or difficult questions. To me, it is the conversational equivalent of a person expecting you to strip naked on the first date while they stand there and watch. Kind of inappropriate and rude and doesn't promote an environment where one would feel safe volunteering.
FitChick Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Try talking to a manic-depressive. You won't get a word in edgewise when they are in their manic phase. Learned that lesson the hard way.
Author USMCHokie Posted June 27, 2012 Author Posted June 27, 2012 And I hope you're thinking of questions you're going to ask me on our man date Hokie in LA with Titania! Hahah, I've already got a list going.
SJC2008 Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 I hate when there's not convo flow. Especially when you really like the girl and try everything to make it work. I think it's a shyness on their part in some cases and a lack of interest in others and a lack of converstion skills in others. Whew, breathe...lol. Asking questions, don't hold your breath USM, serously. You should be able to ask dating questions on dates but it's tough for men and women. We both think the other will weird out lol. I wanna ask a woman what is a r to her, the things she values and what she feels about communiction in a relationship but when?? Would that be to much to soon on a 1st/second date??
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 And I hope you're thinking of questions you're going to ask me on our man date Hokie in LA with Titania! Jealous. I want to be on that date too
RedRobin Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 I wanna ask a woman what is a r to her, the things she values and what she feels about communiction in a relationship but when?? Would that be to much to soon on a 1st/second date?? When?? Before you have sex with her, for sure. ...and no, not 5 minutes before you have sex with her, like a couple of guys have tried with me. "Yea, I'm looking for a relationship. Now, can we go upstairs?" ha ha
zengirl Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 There are other ways to advance a conversation, such as introducing new information or new topics that aren't strictly answers to the previous question, but I agree that it's hard to have a conversation if all the other person does is answer what you asked. If it's online I lose interest (because I perceive lack of interest on her part) and I even wonder "why did you even reply to me if that's all you're going to say? " Well, yes, this. Actually, I don't particularly like being asked questions and felt when dating that many people asked too many questions --- there are a lot of ways to get conversation flowing that are less awkward. To me, questions kind of stop the flow of conversation (not always; some flow well, if completely organic) or feel a bit confrontational. I'm not a huge fan of inquisitive communication. In fact, I'll get overwhelmed and shut down after too many questions in a row and I definitely don't tend to converse in questions. I do when absolutely appropriate and information is NEEDED, of course.
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