Missinghimtoomuch Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 My husband got a job working overseas mid last year. He is earning a lot of money and he has really changed. We have two children. He has met women he flirted with and dated over there (he told me) He recently went on holidays with another woman and even met her siblings. He came home last week and told me about her and has told me that he wants to leave. He was talking to her on the phone all the time whilst he was home. Sometimes she would be trying to call and he would turn his phone off. He even said "she is like a rabid dog with a bone". We also slept together every day that he was home. She was trying to call one night when we were together and later I heard him on the phone telling her that he had left his phone outside. I still love him. It hurts so much. I would do anything for him. I have told him that I will move over there but he doesn't want me to. I don't want our relationship to end. I love him and miss him so much. He left to go back overseas three days ago. The last thing he said to me before he went through to get on the plane was "I love you". Then he left. He now isn't talking to me. He hasn't talked to me since he left. He has his phone turned off and isn't responding to email or skype. Am I completely pathetic? What should I do? I love him so much it hurts so much.
LittleTiger Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 (edited) I am so sorry Missinghimtoomuch ((((((hugs))))) My heart goes out to you and no, you are not pathetic. I can completely relate to your story as this is very similar to what happened to me. My (ex)husband went overseas to work and he changed too - I tried to hang on to him but he was obviously having too much fun away from 'normal life'. He started flirting and 'dating' other women and pretty soon he met someone else and left me. When he was home he did all that phone hiding stuff too and was secretive with his computer - and he still told me that he loved me right up until the end. I am not sure what advice I can give you since winning him back may be almost impossible from a distance - I know this is not what you want to hear but 'out of sight, out of mind' in my experience. Your only hope is that he will eventually come to his senses and realise what he is giving up - and the best way to make that happen is to let him get on with it - as hard as that may seem right now. Whatever you do and however bad you feel do not yell, scream, cry, beg or plead with him - I did all of those things and it just drove him further away. You could even let him think you agree this is for the best and he will probably wonder what the hell is going on and come home (it's a called doing a 180 - you will find info about that on the divorce section of LS or elsewhere on the internet). Unless you are financially independent and able to support yourself and your children without his help, I would suggest you contact a lawyer as soon as possible. If he is working overseas you will need to get things sorted quickly - he has abandoned you and his children - and legally it is much more difficult to 'force' him to meet his commitments. I am so sorry you are going through this and sorry to sound so negative. If your relationship was good before he left there is much more chance of him coming back if you remain calm - if your marriage was already on the rocks, then your chances are little to zero! More (((((hugs))))) Edited June 26, 2012 by LittleTiger 1
Author Missinghimtoomuch Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 Thank you for your support and insight. I really need someone who understands how I feel to talk to. My friends don't get it. One has even stopped talking to me because she feels that I should let myself be treated this way. Which I agree with but, I love him. It is not something I can just switch off. I am going to try what you say.
blugirl Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 I know I'm going to sound harsh but reading your post made me realise it's unbelievable how love make some people totally blind and not having least pride and respect for themselves left..... instead of letting him treat you like a doormat and do with you whatever he wants (from what I understood, you've let him have sex with you, knowing he is already having fun with another over there.....?? I'm speechless....), you should immediately cut him off and file for divorce. Prolonging the pain won't do you any good because you know he won't come back to you. He has changed into an ******* and you can't do anything about it no matter how much you beg, cry, etc. You should move on asap, otherwise you're gonna be tormenting yourself for too long
LittleTiger Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 I know I'm going to sound harsh but reading your post made me realise it's unbelievable how love make some people totally blind and not having least pride and respect for themselves left..... instead of letting him treat you like a doormat and do with you whatever he wants (from what I understood, you've let him have sex with you, knowing he is already having fun with another over there.....?? I'm speechless....), you should immediately cut him off and file for divorce. Prolonging the pain won't do you any good because you know he won't come back to you. He has changed into an ******* and you can't do anything about it no matter how much you beg, cry, etc. You should move on asap, otherwise you're gonna be tormenting yourself for too long I don't think the OP is blind or lacking in pride blugirl - it's not as simple as that. When people invest years in a committed relationship, and especially in a marriage where children are involved, the first instinct when one of the couple backs off is shock for the betrayed partner, usually followed by an attempt, however futile (and often pathetic in appearance to outsiders), to get things back to normal. I think it is a little harsh to say the OP is behaving like a doormat. I don't think I could have had sex with my husband after he had sex with someone else (as far as I know he was physically faithful to me, if not emotionally faithful) but I can fully understand how easily it could happen - if that is, indeed, what happened here. It is also very difficult for the OP to 'cut him off' when he is the father of her children, their finances are entangled and presumably his belongings are still all around her in the house. His behaviour may be disgusting and unforgiveable but he obviously wasn't always this way and it is not an easy thing to accept such a rapid change in someone you have loved for years and shared a big chunk of your life with - especially when the change has occurred whilst they are miles away from you and you didn't 'see' it happen. Missinghimtoomuch, you are right - you definitely can't just 'switch him off' but, in time, you will get used to him not being around. Do the 180 and start rebuilding your life without him. If he ever does come to his senses and change back to the person he used to be, you may find you no longer want him back anyway. I was told that by a number of people when my ex left me and I didn't believe a word of it, but I can tell you now with absolute certainty that it's true. 4
blugirl Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 Yeah, I know cause I haven't been in such a situation so as you said, looks pathetic to me but at the same time I wish the OP everything best in the future and I really feel for her because surely it must be devastating
CarboniteCammy Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 (edited) I have to agree with Tigercub. I'm sorry, but if you love someone enough to pledge your life to them, it's NOT as simple as, "Oh, he's treating me bad, so I'm leaving him." She's not saying, "I don't know if I love him," or "The way he's treating me changes my feelings about him." She's saying that, "Even though this is killing me, I love him too much to give up on him just because he's being a douche bag." While I'm no longer a church going person, the bible is very poignant when it describes true love, saying how it's with out pride. If you really love someone, you should be prepared to be laid low, because it will happen. I don't blame the OP. I just feel really bad for her, and I can't say I wouldn't do the same if I were in her shoes. To the OP- I'm really sorry you have to go through this. I'm sorry he's laid you out with his behavior. There is *nothing* you can do to fix this situation as it stands right now in the sense that you can't make him change his mind. He's an adult, and we all make our own choices in life. I'm going to give you the advice that my mom has given me on countless occasions: You can't make plans based on hope. You can only make plans based on the facts you have before you, and it's time that you start getting your life back on track. For one thing, stop sleeping with him. You're going to give yourself an STD if you keep letting him do that to you. STD's in other countries are worse then what we have in the US and many are resistant to antibiotics. Plus, and I dont' know if you have kids, but there are STDs that are easily transmittable. Also, you don't want to get pregnant. You don't know if he's going to stay in the marriage and you don't want to have a baby in these circumstances. Trust me. It might sound like it will make him stay: it won't. It will be horrible. Second, get a divorce lawyer and keep him or her on retainer. Tell your parents what's happening, and prepare your kids and or the rest of the family. Do NOT allow him to keep this dirty little secret. You need all the support you can get right now. Things might be fun and games for him over seas, but they need to be all business when he comes home until he makes a decision to either be with this woman, or stand by the vow he made before God and man when he married you. He is allowed to do as he chooses, but even if your heart is aching, you need to protect the assets you have available to you at this time. Just think of what will happen if he decides to bring this woman back with him. You may also want to consider splitting the house up into things you know are his and things you know are yours. Start looking into apartments for yourself, and don't be afraid to use mutual assets to cover your cost of moving out of the house. After all, he's the one that has initiated this problem, which he has unceremoniously dumped into your lap. Please notice OP- I didn't use the word "love" when it comes to the practical advice that I give. That's because you really need your brain to take over for a minute so that you can handle yourself. Love him all you need to. Pine for him. Cry at night. Hold his pillow. Do whatever you have to do. Just don't let him screw you over in ways that you can still control. Edited June 27, 2012 by CarboniteCammy 1
iambookworm Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I am sorry to hear that. I can relate, to a certain extent. Unfortunately, I was the "other woman". I am from country a, ex from country b, and we are working in country C. Two foreigners in another country. We had been dating for almost 2 years when he broke up with me. All that time, he kept insisting he was divorced and would tell me stories about his kids. Yes, he was divorced, from his first wife. He had a second wife. When I investigated afterward, with the help of some friends, we found out he was married. I called his wife and apologized. I hated the fact that I believed him. And I am just glad that I always insisted that he wear protection, so that STD is not an issue. I agree with the poster above that you should really consider your options. Gather the documentation and pictures. If the wife ever contacted me, I would give her all the evidence I have, and believe me, I have a lot. Hang in there. Yes, its going to hurt, and it is going to be a hard adjustment, but I am sure you are a strong woman, and you can do this.
Recommended Posts