WeAllMightBeNuts Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Hello "Love Therapy" folks. First time poster. Reading many others' situations has been helpful for myself as I'm sure it has for others. Helping to understand the un-understandable. And others in similar situations and/or being able to offer non-biased opinions is great. What brought me here. Recent ending to a short relationship that wasn't really long enough to warrant much drama. Started wrong with ignored Red Flags by me. However, some things confuse me and others' insight might be helpful as to this persons thinking. Met a couple at an event. A couple weeks later contacted the lady through Social Media. Tried to contact her partner as we are in similar business fields and thought we could network, but he does not participate. She explains that I have her information and number & she has mine though so we can send work either way if something comes up. Anyway, she and I chat often through CPU. She tells me about many personal things as well as how she is so dissatisfied in her relationship. She's having to move about 30 minutes away because he just wants too. Makes a whole hate list. How she has broken up with him 3 times in two years but she allows him to "beg his way back..." I am attracted to her and become more attracted as we communicate. Tell her this and that we just need to block one another from each others' lives. She gets very upset at this and confesses attraction as well. We go back and forth. I send three separate emails explaining things and wishing her luck with her life, children, and person with whom she is in a relationship. She protests. I still don't see it being anything good. She is in a dysfunctional relationship, planning to move, has two children, is 40 (me too).....and just seems to overall not have figured life out. So, I block everything related to her. About 3 or 4 days later she finds where I live (Googled) and leaves me a handwritten 4 page letter in my mailbox. Nothing creepy or goofy at all in the letter. Pretty well rounded and supportive as I recall. But it bugged me-and to be fair...interested me as well. So I called her to make sure she was ok. That opens communication again. She tells me she broke up with him and he's moving out. Wants to meet again. I protest even though I really want to see her too. She presses me. I keep asking are you SURE things are over? What about moving? She reassures me that things with this person are done and travel will not be a problem. (Still moving to mothers house 30 minutes away) Makes me comfortable 'cause I honestly was worried about the children as much as anything. Bonding, new person, etc. We meet. Sparks for both of us. Hit it off. Start seeing each other like 4 or 5 times a week. Mentally very good with each other. Physically (Sex) is very good. Like the children, they like me. But I'm still skeptical. Then she starts making time and planning events with all of us more. Her, me, and the children. This makes me think "Oh, wow, she is serious..." We go do this, spend the whole day doing that. The children really get into my heart. About this time (2 months in) she tells me she is to have dinner at her mom's but wants to see me afterwards. Could run as late as 10:30 p.m-11:00 p.m. Saturday night, I'm ok with it. 11 p.m-No show. 11:30 p.m.-No show. My Spidey Sense is as strong as you will ever witness...and it was tingling bad. I get her stuff together to take to her the next day 'cause I don't play games. I go to bed. Then she shows up a little after 12 a.m., startles me, and gets in bed. I'm pissed, but go back to sleep. She starts waking me up at I'm guessing 1 a.m. telling me that it is sooooo far away and she just doesn't think she can do it as she will want to see me all the time and won't be able to do it. I throw on the light and am like "WTF?! After all the questioning about it and me trying to address these problems before we ever met?!" Back and forth some, mature & adult about it all. I finally just tell her then "If you're gonna' do all of this, let's just let each other go. No email, phone, chat..etc." I wasn't even aware of No Contact at the time! She gets VERY distraught at this. Sobbing for several minutes. Not fake. I've seen fake. I know the B.S. pretty quick. Then gets up and goes to the bathroom for awhile. I hear more sobbing. She gets ready to leave so I get her stuff together and hand it to her at the door. She gets in her car and sits there for a few more minutes, then leaves. I'm pissed 'cause the flags were there, I attempted to address them, and still ended up in this position. Plus we professed our feelings for each other and I really fell in love recently with the children with her encouraged bonding. So WTF? Now the kicker, later the same day, she is back together with the ex. He's moved back into the house we've been boning in anywhere from 3 to 5 times a week for the past two months. And pictures of all of them going back up on FB like they are one big happy family. No kidding! Long post, huh? Just wondering what others that are separated from the situation think of a person that behaves as she has done. Thanks for reading and any insight.
writergal Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 (edited) I think she was bored with her current relationship and escalated what started out as an emotional affair to a brief physical relationship with you. Why do you think you ignored the red flags, such as Googling your home address so she could leave a handwritten letter in your mailbox after you tried to end things with her via email three times? Was her behavior reprehensible? Yes, it was, especially because she involved her children allowing you and them to grow emotionally attached to each other. And because she cheated on her partner with you. The bigger question though, is why did you let this happen? You claim that you can recognize b.s. easily. You even tried to end it a few times with her via email but caved in after you read her handwritten letter. I think having an emotional affair with someone online can lead to a physical affair offline more times than not. You build up a fantasy in your mind of who this person is based on words they've typed yet the reality can be quite different when you see them in person. Next time a woman comes on to you who is already in a relationship...who wants to pour her heart out to you...recognize that she's trying to bait you into having either an emotional or physical affair. That's just my opinion. A normal relationship happens slowly in stages whereas yours happened in a short 8 weeks. I'm really sorry this happened to you and I hope you can heal from it. Edited June 26, 2012 by writergal
Author WeAllMightBeNuts Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 I think she was bored with her current relationship and escalated what started out as an emotional affair to a brief physical relationship with you. Why do you think you ignored the red flags, such as Googling your home address so she could leave a handwritten letter in your mailbox after you tried to end things with her via email three times? Was her behavior reprehensible? Yes, it was, especially because she involved her children allowing you and them to grow emotionally attached to each other. And because she cheated on her partner with you. The bigger question though, is why did you let this happen? You claim that you can recognize b.s. easily. You even tried to end it a few times with her via email but caved in after you read her handwritten letter. I think having an emotional affair with someone online can lead to a physical affair offline more times than not. You build up a fantasy in your mind of who this person is based on words they've typed yet the reality can be quite different when you see them in person. Next time a woman comes on to you who is already in a relationship...who wants to pour her heart out to you...recognize that she's trying to bait you into having either an emotional or physical affair. That's just my opinion. A normal relationship happens slowly in stages whereas yours happened in a short 8 weeks. I'm really sorry this happened to you and I hope you can heal from it. Thanks for the response and opinion. Now to answer the question: "Why did I let this happen?" 1) Because I questioned and was constantly reassured of any doubts & problems that concerned me. 2) And more importantly, when it comes to guys, a hard d!ck has no conscience. That's probably the more weighted truth. In person vs. online. We had met in person first. Our in person was good. Just a little perplexed at these behaviors of a person at this stage in their life. 1) Breaks up with someone for the fourth time. 2) Begins relationship with another person. 3) Encourages relationship with young children. 4) Acts as if continuing relationship will be too hard. I say let's just end it then and not communicate. 5) She becomes inconsolable at this. 6) Then they are back with the other person the same day. So I assume that was on the back burner. Strange equation.
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