Author Realist3 Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 She coaches your daughter's team? Wow, you two are a class act. At my daughter's bequest. And to an earlier poster: alexandria35, My 11yo does not get along with my wife.
Author Realist3 Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 You have already said they don't think much of her as a mother, she is frequently gone and she knows of your OW - what exactly is to be protected here? What illusions do you think your kids harbor given all that? That mommy and daddy are happy and in love? Methinks not. A family unit. Do they think we are happy and in love? No. My youngest may, but my oldest definitely not.
alexandria35 Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 At my daughter's bequest. And to an earlier poster: alexandria35, My 11yo does not get along with my wife. Wow what an earth shattering revelation!! A young girl not getting along with her mother? Whoever heard of such a thing??!! Nevermind. Everything I tried to tell you clearly went way over your head. You obviously are unable to comprehend how you are damaging your chiildren. My hope is that they will somehow be able to rise above this and come out okay anyways. 1
Author Realist3 Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 More contradictions. If you have cultivated 26 years of close ties to her famille that you seem unwilling to lose - unless you can be with your OW. Then it's ok? Not to repeat myself, but some of the things you are saying don't make sense. You want to preserve the family unit for the kids - who you admitted your ongoing A to. You don't want to jeopardize your in-laws, risk social "stigma". But you will if the OW leaves. For you. And leaves first I gather. I can see why you would say that but it is because you don't have the complete story. I'm not unwilling to lose them and I don't think I would. My kids are close to their grandparents and aunts from my W's side. I am really good friends with my W's father and mother. I said OW and I deciding together to start a new life would be the only reason that would persuade me to seek a divorce. That means I'm willing to stick out a BS marriage to keep the family unit together. I have done it for 10 years. I'm used to it.
Author Realist3 Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 So...what will make you happy? I'm relatively happy right now. Happier than I have been in many years.
Author Realist3 Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 A family unit my azz. You just want to cake eat. Your actions speak loud and clear. When all is said and done - your "soulmate" just clearly isn't worth it. But you're in lots of company. There are sooooo many just like you. Yes, I like cake, so what?
Furious Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Realist3 Your OW's husband cheated on her for 7 years before you entered the picture 3 years ago. Why didn't she divorce her husband then, she had the moral high ground and if they're as wealthy as you claim, she could have walked away a very wealthy woman. If he were that controlling and she was that unhappy, she had her chance to go. Also she does not appear to have very good judgement. She should know better than to charm your daughter into her favor.
Author Realist3 Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 I don't understand. Does your pre-teen daughter control you? Control me in what way? She went up to OW and asked her to coach her team. OW said yes. They share a common love for a certain sport. It didn't involve me.
Author Realist3 Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 Realist3 Your OW's husband cheated on her for 7 years before you entered the picture 3 years ago. Why didn't she divorce her husband then, she had the moral high ground and if they're as wealthy as you claim, she could have walked away a very wealthy woman. If he were that controlling and she was that unhappy, she had her chance to go. Also she does not appear to have very good judgement. She should know better than to charm your daughter into her favor. That is a very involved story. Basically, being controlled since she was 18 in such a heavy handed way left her with very little confidence and self-worth to make it work on her own. She doesn't have access to any of their accounts. She has no credit or debit cards. He gives her an allowance in cash. One week she had a blowout on a tire. Her hubs was in CA, so I bought her news tires. He controls everything she does.
Author Realist3 Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 Ah yes, The Cake-Eating Martyr. Yawn. I think the first statement I made in this thread was that I did not want any sympathy. I don't view myself as a martyr in any way; that is your term.
frozensprouts Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 realist... just remember that a great deal of how your children view relationships and the opposite sex will come from you. what do you think you are teaching your daughter about men and how they treat their spouses? I know you love your children, and want them to be happy, but do you really think that they are happy? what kind of long term effects will this situation have on them? you are devaluing their mother and treating her with contempt, even if you don't realize it ( and no words you can ever ever say will change that once they know what your actions are)? If your romantic relationship with your wife truly has run it's course, that's sad, but it happens. But there has to be an option that is better for you, your wife and your children than this. ( and it will come back to bite your children in the rear...my children lost some of their respect they had for their dad when they found out he was cheating on me...it's sad, but he'll never get that back, and , to some extent, that has colored my oldest daughter's view of males. She thinks they lie and doesn't trust them. nothing we have said or explained to her has changed that...it's his actions, not his words, that mattered. she's seeing a psychologist now for other issues, but that one has come up, and I didn't even realize it had affected her so much). I know i have been giving you a hard time, and for that I am sorry, but you sound like a guy who has the potential to handle this in a way that much less hurtful ...in other words, while you may be acting badly,I think you do have a good heart and you love your kids and want to be a good dad...the question therefore becomes whether or not you are hurting them, and is there a better way to handle your situation...please give tahts some thought...see your lawyer and get some legal advice, etc. on divorce in your situation...that may be an easier option than you think... best of luck to you
Furious Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 That is a very involved story. Basically, being controlled since she was 18 in such a heavy handed way left her with very little confidence and self-worth to make it work on her own. She doesn't have access to any of their accounts. She has no credit or debit cards. He gives her an allowance in cash. One week she had a blowout on a tire. Her hubs was in CA, so I bought her news tires. He controls everything she does. Does she know how to dial a phone, call a lawyer. And if her husband is that controlling, how is it that's she managed to have an affair right under his nose This women is not as helpless as she makes you think. She sounds very shrewd and has no qualms in buying your 11 year old daughter's affection, this is strategy on her part. 1
woinlove Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 3 Strikes is bad! 1st strike........if your wife is as you portray her to be as in not motherly and cold and unloving to her children, then that's one strike because that alone is enough to screw a kid up. And another thing, why the hell would you have children with a woman who uses abortion as a form of birth control? Did you really think that this woman was good mother material??? 2nd....a dysfunctional bad marriage, that you both as parents are illustrating to her. 3rd......her knowing about the affair and involving her. You think she is fine now, but you don't have a clue what this is going to do to her as she reaches puberty and starts to grapple with relationships with the opposite sex. You have forever changed who she is and not in a positive way. I hope you will speak to a professional who can help you understand what you are doing to your children. Even though she appears fine with it, I can guarantee you that what you are allowing her to witness will and has f'd her up. The best thing you can do is to stop seeing your ow and tell your daughter it's over and tell her you made bad choices by stepping outside your marriage to solve your own issues. Send her to therapy NOW. Get yourself in therapy so you can find the balls to divorce and give your kids at least one stable loving home. This is excellent advice. It makes me cringe to think of the children in this dysfunctional situation and what the long term impact is likely to be. I fear there is too much dysfunction here for any of the adults to put the children first and give them the kind of secure, loving, respectful and authentic environment that they deserve. Very sad. 2
Author Realist3 Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 what do you think you are teaching your daughter about men and how they treat their spouses? I know you love your children, and want them to be happy, but do you really think that they are happy? what kind of long term effects will this situation have on them? you are devaluing their mother and treating her with contempt, even if you don't realize it ( and no words you can ever ever say will change that once they know what your actions are)? I have thought about those things. My kids are very happy. Do I wish I could provide a better example of a loving marriage? You bet your butt. I hope to be able to remedy that in the future.
jwi71 Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Realist, I remember, powerfully, how happy I was my now xWW moved out. It truly rivaled coming home from Kuwait almost twenty years ago. I knew, within days, that filing for D, telling her to leave and rebuilding myself was the right decision. And it was. Don't think it was unicorns and rainbows - far from it. It passed. And I was truly happy. It's odd really. Like yourself, I was merely content in my M - never really happy and I didn't even recognize it. It was only with hindsight that I saw it. Correction, hindsight and D. Only when I discovered happiness could I see how unhappy I had been. And how it affected my children and "the famy unit" I tried to preserve. None of that was healthy or happy - for anyone. I hope you have the courage to change. I hope you decide that yourself and your happiness matters. I hope you stop the confusion you create in your daughter. (oh I know. You're not. She's fine. Well, that's not likely the case. You have placed a massive and unjust burden upon her - look what that weight does to you. How can you imagine she handles it well? She's just a child). It's clear you are cake eating. But really, cake eating, often used as a pejorative, is really just a synonym for fear. You admit as much. Control your fears lest they control you. I understand you are want to stay the course as the waters seem calm. And honestly, for now they are. Tomorrow, just around the bend, there be unfathomable rapids. 1
Author Realist3 Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 Does she know how to dial a phone, call a lawyer. And if her husband is that controlling, how is it that's she managed to have an affair right under his nose This women is not as helpless as she makes you think. She sounds very shrewd and has no qualms in buying your 11 year old daughter's affection, this is strategy on her part. Sure she does. She just didn't want to rock the boat., a very expensive boat. In discovering her husband's affair she learned from the mistakes he made, and was sure she didn't repeat them. And yes, she is very very shrewd. The hoops we jump through to see each other is quite extensive. Her getting close to my daughter may have been a strategy, but it happened over a long period of time.
nofool4u Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 No, I'm not going to get into beating up my wife over my feelings about our relationship Why would you? You are the one that cheated. or sharing the details of why the OW relationship is terrible. But of course it is:rolleyes: Call it whatever you will, but it is the way my kids still get to kiss their mom goodnight because she doesn't want to be their mother. Huh? Sorry, I think you are making this up to be something its not so you can justify cheating. Just because she is the one doing the work of maintaining the family household doesn't mean she doesn't want to be a mother. Your comment of kissing their mom every night and "she doesn't want to be a mother" don't coincide. If you want to cheat, then freakin' cheat, but quit trying to make your wife out to be something she isn't so you think you have some sort of pathetic excuse. What I see here is someone who only cares about himself, traipsing around the country while your wife takes care of things, and thinking the grass is greener on the other side with a woman you don't have to go through the daily trials of marriage and parenting with. Marriage is hard work and not for the weak, selfish, or insecure. So of course everything with another woman seems just great to you. But hey, nobody is going to convince you of that. So what is the situation? The situation is that you will stay in the marriage and hold her hostage while using her, all the while you are putting your lil smokie in another woman. How despicable can a man get?
Author Realist3 Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 Realist, I remember, powerfully, how happy I was my now xWW moved out. It truly rivaled coming home from Kuwait almost twenty years ago. I knew, within days, that filing for D, telling her to leave and rebuilding myself was the right decision. And it was. Don't think it was unicorns and rainbows - far from it. It passed. And I was truly happy. It's odd really. Like yourself, I was merely content in my M - never really happy and I didn't even recognize it. It was only with hindsight that I saw it. Correction, hindsight and D. Only when I discovered happiness could I see how unhappy I had been. And how it affected my children and "the famy unit" I tried to preserve. None of that was healthy or happy - for anyone. I hope you have the courage to change. I hope you decide that yourself and your happiness matters. I hope you stop the confusion you create in your daughter. (oh I know. You're not. She's fine. Well, that's not likely the case. You have placed a massive and unjust burden upon her - look what that weight does to you. How can you imagine she handles it well? She's just a child). It's clear you are cake eating. But really, cake eating, often used as a pejorative, is really just a synonym for fear. You admit as much. Control your fears lest they control you. I understand you are want to stay the course as the waters seem calm. And honestly, for now they are. Tomorrow, just around the bend, there be unfathomable rapids. Thank you. I appreciate that post a lot.
nofool4u Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 I think the first statement I made in this thread was that I did not want any sympathy. Well thats good. Because you aren't the one anyone should give it to. Its your wife that deserves our sympathy.
nofool4u Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 I'm relatively happy right now. Happier than I have been in many years. So why don't you set your wife free so she can also be happy?
Lostinlife4now Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Realist.... Oh I am concerned about your 11 year old daughter. No matter what she says about her mother....She is still her Mother! And one day, they will be the best of friends.....your wife will see just how important it is in life to have a loving and beautiful daughter, and vice versa. She is a CHILD....She will be so affected by this you have no idea. SHE will need therapy, trust me I know! As far as your assets, and the OW....do yourself a favor and her....step out of this and put your $$ back in your bank account and your penis in your pants...(don't mean to sound so crass) but......And what happens if her husband finds out...He is controlling you say...He just might put her in a river.... This has calamity written all over it. 1
Author Realist3 Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 Why would you? You are the one that cheated. But of course it is:rolleyes: Huh? Sorry, I think you are making this up to be something its not so you can justify cheating. Just because she is the one doing the work of maintaining the family household doesn't mean she doesn't want to be a mother. Your comment of kissing their mom every night and "she doesn't want to be a mother" don't coincide. If you want to cheat, then freakin' cheat, but quit trying to make your wife out to be something she isn't so you think you have some sort of pathetic excuse. What I see here is someone who only cares about himself, traipsing around the country while your wife takes care of things, and thinking the grass is greener on the other side with a woman you don't have to go through the daily trials of marriage and parenting with. Marriage is hard work and not for the weak, selfish, or insecure. So of course everything with another woman seems just great to you. But hey, nobody is going to convince you of that. So what is the situation? The situation is that you will stay in the marriage and hold her hostage while using her, all the while you are putting your lil smokie in another woman. How despicable can a man get? You have no idea what you are talking about. There is nothing financially that needs to be maintained. She is a driven woman who is affirmed by her professional career.
Author Realist3 Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 So why don't you set your wife free so she can also be happy? My wife is free, she can do whatever she wants.
Furious Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Sure she does. She just didn't want to rock the boat., a very expensive boat. In discovering her husband's affair she learned from the mistakes he made, and was sure she didn't repeat them. And yes, she is very very shrewd. The hoops we jump through to see each other is quite extensive. Her getting close to my daughter may have been a strategy, but it happened over a long period of time. Well that expensive boat has a leak...I hope you all have life vests when it begins to sink. My husband cheated for almost 2years, he was very careful, covered his tracks, never imagined he'd get caught. Strangely, I found out by pure accident, simply an old receipt her failed to throw away. I was smart enough to hire a PI and he was busted not long after. You just don't know what tomorrow will bring. Get that divorce...before your expensive boat sinks with you on it. 1
Author Realist3 Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 Well that expensive boat has a leak...I hope you all have life vests when it begins to sink. My husband cheated for almost 2years, he was very careful, covered his tracks, never imagined he'd get caught. Strangely, I found out by pure accident, simply an old receipt her failed to throw away. I was smart enough to hire a PI and he was busted not long after. You just don't know what tomorrow will bring. Get that divorce...before your expensive boat sinks with you on it. The expensive boat does have a leak. Thankfully we do have life vests. We will cross that bridge when it comes. I have listened to what you have said about getting a divorce and I will take that under consideration. //// The PI would have to be pretty good. She is well aware of their tactics as her H is partners in a PI firm here in town.
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