The tale of a semi-long term affair.

[Realist3]

I want to start off by saying I am not looking for advice, acceptance, sympathy, or any other sort of whatever it is that goes on here. This is simply posted as my story of how a relationship of 26 years led to an affair of almost three years.

 

I'm going to try and make this as short as possible.

 

My wife and I met in high school and dated on and off for 8 years throughout college, mostly on. We are both type A personalities and we drove each other mentally, always arguing about everything; in mostly a positive way. After graduating from college we decided to get married. We had both had our "flings" and decided we were meant to be together.

 

Both being from fairly well to do families we didn't really have many financial burdens many newlyweds face. Shortly before our marriage I had started a business that took off like gangbusters during the dot com boom of the 90's. During that time she pursued her career interests in her field of expertise. Within 5 years I sold my company for a sum that pretty much meant we would never have to work another day in our lives. I was 30, she was 28. We had already started to grow apart a little bit; maybe three abortions during that span had a little to do with it since she was not ready to become a mother. I don't know.

 

We took some of the money from the sale of my business and invested in a startup we both thought would be a great idea. I was no longer interested in being involved with the day to day operations of a business, but she very much was; so it was her pet project. I decided i was going to pursue a dream of mine since I had the connections within Nascar. I spent two years traveling around the country, which did not help our relationship at all, but the business was really taking off. I was proud of her. But constant traveling took its toll and I was burned out. It also took its toll on our relationship. Neither of us had cheated as far as I know. I came back ready to give our marriage a year. I was ready for divorce. She got pregnant again, and this time i was not going to allow her to abort. I was willing to stay home and take care of our child. She was still wrapped up in the business. So, instead of a divorce I stay to raise my baby that I had always wanted. My wife was just never the motherly type.

 

I'm digging the Mr. Mom thing. The business is growing ever bigger. Four years later we have another child. But this one ended up being a special needs child, which brought a lot of challenges. No biggie.

 

Fast forward to three years ago. Our relationship has been stagnant. We are like brother and sister, but she is feeling the excitement I did early on with a successful business and so that is her focus.

 

Anyway in the course of being at the kids school I meet a woman. We hit it off. She is also from a well to do situation and we hit it off immediately. Neither of us were looking for anything, but it just clicked. The first 4 months are intense; so much so that we pull back into an emotional affair because we both knew we were about to end out marriages because we could not contain the desire to be together. Our social circles are intertwined very heavily and the implications would not be positive for our kids. So over the course of the next 12 months we kept everything on a friendship basis, kinda sorta. Not really, because we became best friends, and that is when we truly fell in love. Then once we became able to handle the mental aspect of it, it became physical again, and has remained so. I met my soulmate.

 

The bottom line is that breaking up our households doesn't really serve much of a purpose. She has 4 kids and I have two. Our oldest two kids know. I don't want to change my kids lives by disrupting their homelife and neither does she. It may come to that someday, but the way things are work out best for everyone.

 

No, I'm not going to get into beating up my wife over my feelings about our relationship or sharing the details of why the OW relationship is terrible. There really is no point. We have found a way to be happy together in our own way.

 

Call it whatever you will, but it is the way my kids still get to kiss their mom goodnight because she doesn't want to be their mother.

Edited June 26, 2012 by Realist3

[Realist3]

To add a little more. My wife knows we are good friends. She actually somewhat busted us early on, but she has never pushed me on it. Her words: "Just keep it out of my face."

[Furious]

It sounds like your wife is neither interested in being a wife or mother as far as you are concerned.

 

Why not divorce?

 

Why keep up with this charade?

 

Money is no object.

Who care's what your wealthy circle of friends think.

You've already involved two of the older children, is that ok.

It seems likely you would get full custody of your children, if what you say about your wife is true.

 

Why not live happily ever after with your soulmate.

 

Doesn't seem as complicated as you make it out to seem.

Edited June 26, 2012 by Furious

[Realist3]

Well it is very complicated because of assets involved. Just on my side I have over 83 properties that we now own together, some with my siblings. A divorce would be very nasty and convoluted to the point where it is not worth it at this point.

 

My kids love their mom, and I don't want to rob them of being with her, no matter how I may view her and her motherhood choices. And I want them to love her. Maybe that is pollyanna-ish on my point, but it is important to me.

 

For right now it works the way it is. Believe me, I truly wish I could wake up next to my love. For right now, it isn't to be.

 

In terms of the social aspect. It would be huge. To the point that we would have to probably relocate.

[Furious]

Well it is very complicated because of assets involved. Just on my side I have over 83 properties that we now own together, some with my siblings. A divorce would be very nasty and convoluted to the point where it is not worth it at this point.

 

My kids love their mom, and I don't want to rob them of being with her, no matter how I may view her and her motherhood choices. And I want them to love her. Maybe that is pollyanna-ish on my point, but it is important to me.

 

For right now it works the way it is. Believe me, I truly wish I could wake up next to my love. For right now, it isn't to be.

 

In terms of the social aspect. It would be huge. To the point that we would have to probably relocate.

 

 

Children can love their parents whether they are together or divorced.

 

Wealthy families usually insist on pre-nup agreements, unless that is not the case in your situation.

 

Unless the OW is married to a close family member of your's, yes I can see that as huge, otherwise how horrible could it be.

 

Divorce is not pretty, but the blow out of the consequence of being found out, would be quite a bit worse, and most likely create an even more dragged out and bitter divorce.

[RickFox]

Aside from the money aspect sounds like how.I.met my xmw. Our entire schol saw what was going in between us and we thought we were slick. You're wife may not care but sounds like you haven't really thought it out concerning the other side. Her H probably will.care and not give a damn about your social circle.

[Realist3]

Aside from the money aspect sounds like how.I.met my xmw. Our entire schol saw what was going in between us and we thought we were slick. You're wife may not care but sounds like you haven't really thought it out concerning the other side. Her H probably will.care and not give a damn about your social circle.

 

 

You are certainly correct. Her H would certainly care. He is very controlling. It goes social and political. I'm not going to say where I live, but it is a big city and we are all well known. When we have lunch we have to go to the other side of the tracks.

 

She is in CA for three weeks on vacation, and last night she told me that she told her H's sister what was going on. And her H's sister was behind her because she understood what a * her H was. It is definitely complicated.

[Realist3]

Furious,

 

I think both of us are scared of the unknown. No prenups. I never believed in that. We could both lose half. That is not the issue. We have both been married for about the same amount of time. At this point we haven't decided that it is time to blow all of that up. And the kids are perhaps the biggest concern. It is really difficult to explain how the social thing is involved.

[GLDheart]

Do you think your wife is also possibly having a little something going on with someone from her business? Would you care if she was?

 

You describe your relationship a bit like I picture Bill and Hillary Clinton.

 

I am also curious if you are yet stashing away a nest egg or safety net of cash if this whole thing goes to hell. "Keep it out of my face" sounds as if your wife knows the reality. Do you think she has begun hiding assets?

Edited June 26, 2012 by GLDheart

[whichwayisup]

Keep it out of my face probably means she doesn't want to know if you are having an affair. It's possible she's met someone too. If she did, how would you feel about that?

 

Our oldest two kids know

 

This is my concern. 2 kids know of the affair? That a lot to put on a kid, let alone 2 of them.

[Realist3]

Do you think your wife is also possibly having a little something going on with someone from her business? Would you care if she was?

 

You describe your relationship a bit like I picture Bill and Hillary Clinton.

 

I am also curious if you are yet stashing away a nest egg or safety net of cash if this whole thing goes to hell. "Keep it out of my face" sounds as if your wife knows the reality. Do you think she has begun hiding assets?

 

I don't really know and I don't really care if she is, although I highly doubt it.

 

Money is of no concern whatsoever. I have control over everything financially, although she has no constraints to do whatever she wants. I don't track what she spends. Our hard assets would be difficult for her to change as it would take both of us to sign off on.

 

Let me be clear that is no anger between us. Yes, we may despise each other at times, but it is not an overtly angry relationship. We don't get along in certain aspects, but I do not hate her.

[Realist3]

Keep it out of my face probably means she doesn't want to know if you are having an affair. It's possible she's met someone too. If she did, how would you feel about that?

 

 

 

This is my concern. 2 kids know of the affair? That a lot to put on a kid, let alone 2 of them.

 

 

That is true, but they both endorse it. Mine said just last week she would rather be with the OW.

 

Maybe it will head to the direction of us being an official couple, but right now it is now there yet.

[whichwayisup]

How old is your child who knows?

 

Don't ever think that he/she will choose the OW and not want his/her mommy. Blood is thicker than water.. Kids say stuff and they also change their minds like the wind, so please (not saying you are believing your child 100% on this, but just in case) keep your kid(s) out of what you do when you are with the OW.

 

What happens if your kid gets pissed off and tells her mom about you and the OW. Or gets angry her mom and tells her "I'd rather be with and live with dads girlfriend than stay here with you" .. Never say never.

[norajane]

She is in CA for three weeks on vacation, and last night she told me that she told her H's sister what was going on. And her H's sister was behind her because she understood what a * her H was. It is definitely complicated.

 

And two of the children know?

 

Are you even trying not to get caught? Or are you actually hoping that somebody else spills the news to either her husband or your wife?

 

I'll bet they're not the only ones who know, or suspect. This won't remain secret from your spouses for long.

[Realist3]

And two of the children know?

 

Are you even trying not to get caught? Or are you actually hoping that somebody else spills the news to either her husband or your wife?

 

I'll bet they're not the only ones who know, or suspect. This won't remain secret from your spouses for long.

 

The kids have known for two years, so I'm not that concerned. They both know their parents are happier.

 

They both know the ramifications.

[Realist3]

How old is your child who knows?

 

Don't ever think that he/she will choose the OW and not want his/her mommy. Blood is thicker than water.. Kids say stuff and they also change their minds like the wind, so please (not saying you are believing your child 100% on this, but just in case) keep your kid(s) out of what you do when you are with the OW.

 

What happens if your kid gets pissed off and tells her mom about you and the OW. Or gets angry her mom and tells her "I'd rather be with and live with dads girlfriend than stay here with you" .. Never say never.

 

She is 11. We have had very frank discussions about it. She likes the OW better than her Mom. She knows what would happen. She has a good head on her shoulders.

[Realist3]

If anything my 11yo is pushing me to go with the OW.

[woinlove]

I feel valuing assets over openness, honesty and treating others with respect and kindness is a poor environment for children. While your W may not care what you do, you think the other husband does, and they have 4 children, whose family life could be destroyed if the truth came out. That is a lot of children being negatively affected by their parents values and choices. I suggest counselling for you and for your children, who might be adopting your values. It is very sad to read what you write about your children and things do not need to be this way for them.

[frozensprouts]

The kids have known for two years, so I'm not that concerned. They both know their parents are happier.

 

They both know the ramifications.

 

your oldest is what, maybe 14, and you feel he/ she can know the ramifications of letting it out that dad is cheating on mom?

 

I don't care how educated/intelligent a kid that age is...they don't understand all the "ramifications" of the adult world the way you seem to feel they do. you've put that child in the middle, and that's a pretty cruddy thing to do. Have you asked them not to tell ( which is, in effect, asking them to lie for you?)

 

I know you don't like to hear it, but your situation is different than someone without all your money and social standing who cheats on their spouse. For whatever reason, you don't want to be honest. You name the cause of that as your children ( don't want to rob them of "mommy"...how does divorcing do that?) and use the ever popular " divorcing is too complicated"...

 

It's really just rationalizing your behavior.

 

( edited to add...sorry, just read she is 11...and you decided to use your 11 year old daughter as your confidante about your affair? what the heck? seriously, really think about that for a minute...she's an 11 year old child )

Edited June 26, 2012 by frozensprouts

[Realist3]

your oldest is what, maybe 14, and you feel he/ she can know the ramifications of letting it out that dad is cheating on mom?

 

I don't care how educated/intelligent a kid that age is...they don't understand all the "ramifications" of the adult world the way you seem to feel they do. you've put that child in the middle, and that's a pretty cruddy thing to do. Have you asked them not to tell ( which is, in effect, asking them to lie for you?)

 

I know you don't like to hear it, but your situation is different than someone without all your money and social standing who cheats on their spouse. For whatever reason, you don't want to be honest. You name the cause of that as your children ( don't want to rob them of "mommy"...how does divorcing do that?) and use the ever popular " divorcing is too complicated"...

 

It's really just rationalizing your behavior.

 

( edited to add...sorry, just read she is 11...and you decided to use your 11 year old daughter as your confidante about your affair? what the heck? seriously, really think about that for a minute...she's an 11 year old child )

 

 

No, she is not my confidante. Back when my W discovered an email with no name a long long time ago she questioned me about in front of the kids. She is very observant. She witnesses my interactions with OW at her school. She put two and two together and asked me about it. I didn't deny it, but I didn't admit to it either. She knew. She and OW became somewhat close. OW treats her almost like a daughter. She asked OW to coach her sports team this past spring and she accepted. They have a relationship.

 

She understands the ramifications of divorce as she has several friends that have been through it.

 

Am I rationalizing it? Sure, but that is what I have chosen is the best choice for everyone involved at the current time. That may change in the future, I don't know. Blowing up two families just doesn't have many positives right now.

[Furious]

Furious,

 

I think both of us are scared of the unknown. No prenups. I never believed in that. We could both lose half. That is not the issue. We have both been married for about the same amount of time. At this point we haven't decided that it is time to blow all of that up. And the kids are perhaps the biggest concern. It is really difficult to explain how the social thing is involved.

 

 

I sense that you are also scared that the time is near to make some very difficult life altering decisions. To talk about a future together is one thing, but to actually make it happen is another thing.

 

For now, you both seem to have a handle on keeping your relationship where you want it. But you know some things are out of your hands.

If the affair were to come to light, you know the consequences and you will have very little control over the fallout.

[frozensprouts]

No, she is not my confidante. Back when my W discovered an email with no name a long long time ago she questioned me about in front of the kids. She is very observant. She witnesses my interactions with OW at her school. She put two and two together and asked me about it. I didn't deny it, but I didn't admit to it either. She knew. She and OW became somewhat close. OW treats her almost like a daughter. She asked OW to coach her sports team this past spring and she accepted. They have a relationship.

 

She understands the ramifications of divorce as she has several friends that have been through it.

 

Am I rationalizing it? Sure, but that is what I have chosen is the best choice for everyone involved at the current time. That may change in the future, I don't know. Blowing up two families just doesn't have many positives right now.

 

sorry...she's an 11 year old child and an 11 year old, wise as they may be, doesn't really understand.

 

and why do you feel that it is up to you to make choices for what is best for everyone? Your children, perhaps. But everyone else is an adult, and they can make those decisions for themselves. ( sounds more like you made the decision that was right for you. I get that, and I can understand where you are coming from. It's the senaking and the dishonesty that are disturbing to me. Why not try actually sitting down with your wife and have a frank discussion about what is going on. No hiding or euphemisms or half truths. Just open honesty. Give her a chance to decide what she wants to do with her life. Maybe she'll agree to an open marriage, maybe she'll agree to divorce, who knows. But at least there will be a little bit of honesty and less of a need to hide. BTW...you are teaching your child that lying and deception are acceptable means to get what she wants. Is that really the lesson you want to teach her? wouldn't " mom and dad still love you, but don't love each other like a man and woman should. we have taled about and agreed that doing x, y or z is best"

[Realist3]

If your daughter already has issues with her mother/your wife you are only compounding that aspect. You will likely end up with one very confused, rebellious teen. You are teaching her it's ok to lie, cheat and betray another person who you are married to and yes a 11 year old knows that isn't what a marriage is supposed to be. It matters not that your wife is a bad mom, you still are illustrating a very bad role model. It's a good thing you've got the bucks because your kids are gonna need plenty of therapy with a screwed up mom and a dad who lives his life as a cheat. Your daughter is already modeling your behavior (lying) because she hides the affair from her mother. You are kidding yourself if you think this won't screw her up.

 

It's foolish to think that others don't know of your affair and this will blow up in your face and make things so much worse for your kids than a divorce would be, so add a few more years and a lot of pain to your kids for that aspect of it when d day happens.

 

It's one thing to have an affair but your kids........letting them in on it and involving them in your lies is beyond screwed up.

 

How many teens do you know that do not keep stuff from their parents?

 

I appreciate your concern for my daughter, but she doesn't need counseling, and is a very well grounded girl.

 

As far as others knowing; there are only two people. One is a common friend that has been very supportive. He knows the circumstances surrounding both families.

[96nole]

No, she is not my confidante. Back when my W discovered an email with no name a long long time ago she questioned me about in front of the kids. She is very observant. She witnesses my interactions with OW at her school. She put two and two together and asked me about it. I didn't deny it, but I didn't admit to it either. She knew. She and OW became somewhat close. OW treats her almost like a daughter. She asked OW to coach her sports team this past spring and she accepted. They have a relationship.

 

She understands the ramifications of divorce as she has several friends that have been through it.

 

Am I rationalizing it? Sure, but that is what I have chosen is the best choice for everyone involved at the current time. That may change in the future, I don't know. Blowing up two families just doesn't have many positives right now.

 

You have to know this will blow up. Then what? Your two oldest already know, so there is no secret affair just between you and OW. If it hasn't already, people will start to talk about you and OW at the school. Rumors will start spreading and will eventually get back to your spouses.

 

Unless there is some way that the 4 of you (you, your wife, OW and OW husband) can get together in a room and figure out how to handle it, this has powder keg written all over it.

 

Also, I'm sure the OW husband will be happy to know that you made a decision of what is best for him. Especially since he is so controlling.

[Realist3]

sorry...she's an 11 year old child and an 11 year old, wise as they may be, doesn't really understand.

 

and why do you feel that it is up to you to make choices for what is best for everyone? Your children, perhaps. But everyone else is an adult, and they can make those decisions for themselves. ( sounds more like you made the decision that was right for you. I get that, and I can understand where you are coming from. It's the senaking and the dishonesty that are disturbing to me. Why not try actually sitting down with your wife and have a frank discussion about what is going on. No hiding or euphemisms or half truths. Just open honesty. Give her a chance to decide what she wants to do with her life. Maybe she'll agree to an open marriage, maybe she'll agree to divorce, who knows. But at least there will be a little bit of honesty and less of a need to hide. BTW...you are teaching your child that lying and deception are acceptable means to get what she wants. Is that really the lesson you want to teach her? wouldn't " mom and dad still love you, but don't love each other like a man and woman should. we have taled about and agreed that doing x, y or z is best"

 

I'm making the decisions because I'm the one that decided to get involved with OW.

 

I can understand how that may be disturbing to you, but you don't have to live with it, I do.

 

As far as a discussion with my wife, her telling me to 'keep it out of her face' was pretty much all that needed to be said about the subject.