k100danny Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 This is a question I think many will be able to relate to, maybe not the actual circumstances but the need for some kind of finality even after the break up has happened. Are we actually looking for closure OR are we just hoping it isn't over? me and my ex split up two weeks ago and since then we have contacted each other a couple of times, well she has got in touch once a week later and ive contact her a few times saying little about the break up. we have spoken on the phone twice and the first time it felt like we were back to normal, after the second time i called because she had text me after 3 days of no contact she had had a little to drink and we talked it was ok then she started saying how she missed sex stuff then she went. I didnt delete her from facebook but after i said I didnt think we should speak she said well you delete me then if you want i wont be offended (she is away travelling) I dont look at her page and i didnt want to seem petty so i didnt anyway a couple of days after i say i wont be contacting you in the near future until all feelings are gone but i wish you well, she "LIKES" one of my status updates and then comments on the next one with a big X at the end. Now I'm not sure why she would do this, It could have been that she liked that i was doing things i said i would do, learning to drive, quitting smoking ect but then why would she feel the need to do that? I thought maybe she is just trying to stay in my mind or something. anyway this plays on my mind a bit and the next day i text her and she replies, we do a couple of texts each then i say basically world for word. " we havent really spoken about the break up much just that you knew we werent getting on. I think i need some type of closure for this all so i can move on. I think i need you to say I dont want to be with you anymore and we wont be getting back together and that you don't feel the same anymore" she didnt reply at all to this message. I know the best thing to do is let it go and i guess im just ranting.
Jose11 Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 venting is pretty good here. Sometimes you just need to get it out there. I want the same thing. I want her to tell me she doesn't want to be with me ever again, but it probably won't happen. Perhaps they think if they don't say it and we do, they can sort of walk away from the relationship BU with their hands clean. Or at least feel like it was more mutual than one sided breakup. who knows really.
january2011 Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Not from the other person, but from within yourself. The other person doesn't owe you anything, whether it's time, an explanation, a shoulder to cry on and least of all closure. Thus, she didn't reply to your message. Your job now is to get to a state of mind where it doesn't matter anymore - the answers are irrelevant because the questions are irrelevant. You need to break off contact with her so that you give yourself the time and space to heal from the pain. When your emotions have stabilised, then maybe you can clear the air with her. But by then, hopefully, you won't need to do that and can move on with your life without getting in touch with her again. 1
Ruby65 Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 I agree that closure doesn't come from the ex. Closure comes only from within -- and after enough time spent in NC. Are we actually looking for closure OR are we just hoping it isn't over? Imo contacting the ex after a breakup for closure is really just an excuse to make contact -- and yeah, also hoping that they'll tell you it isn't really over. I think when exes refuse to definitively say "it's over forever" it's only because they want to keep the option of being able to use you as a possible Plan B somewhere down the line. It's not because they're torn in their feelings or considering getting back together. They're just thinking of themselves and don't care if they've left you hanging... they actually want to keep you that way!
Author k100danny Posted June 25, 2012 Author Posted June 25, 2012 Yes i think i agree when i think about it logically they reason they broke up is their reason and it doesnt matter what the reason is, the fact they did it is enough and i should be able to walk away knowing i gave it a chance and there was nothing more to be done. I do understand that asking for closure can be a way of keeping contact. I don't wish her bad and just because of the person i am i would deinfitely want to clear the air in the future and basically say look no hard feelings, we went through a lot of things together and I do really want her to be happy and she said the same for me too and i think she means it. I do think she has weak moments and maybe is thinking twice but i think we both know that it is for the best and yes youre right i wouldnt be a second option for ANYONE. if im not the one for you now i will never be. Thanks for listening to me blow off steam guys
AlexanderJames Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 I think seeking closure is of legitimate benefit. But it comes at a price. I think its both a case of looking for closure AND hoping it isnt over. People go seeking answers hoping it isnt too late, and when they discover it is then that's the closure they often need. I went to my ex hoping it wasnt over and had to bite the bullet and hear all the things I didnt want to hear her say but I'm glad I did it because it left me with no questions unanswered. I was no longer sitting at home thinking "Does she miss me?" "Is her keeping in touch and checking if I'm okay because she wants me back?" "Is there still a chance?" All those questions and more where stopping me from moving on in my life and although seeking closure caused me a lot of pain initially it did set me on the right path.
flitzanu Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 she won't repeat the words so she doesn't have to assume the guilt. people (women!!!) are notorious for being ambiguous about being direct with a breakup. firstly, you need to block her on facebook and quit trying to read between lines that aren't there. secondly, stop believing you'll get any closure from this, bc she's never going to give you an answer that's good enough.
Jose11 Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 She won't say them. No one ever wants to be the bad guy. She doesn't want to tell everyone that she dumped you. She would prefer to say it was a mutual thing. She is probably feeling guilty and if she doesn't say those words then she feels a little less. You'll have to do the "leg work" of breaking up.
Recommended Posts