eVilton Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 But first my story & sorry it's a novel: I am 43 and hadn’t been in a relationship for about 8 years, which was fine as I didn’t put a huge emphasis on needing to be in one. Would date here and there, but was actually comfortable being by myself, although now & then the alone-ness does get to you. Met a girl and we were together for a total of about 7 months starting around the end of September. Got along great, many things in common, always laughing with a never a dull moment. I notice she’s a little off, so I ask on Christmas night and she brings up the whole future deal (marriage, kids, she’s turning 30, etc) and made it sound like she was unsure if she wanted me in it. I left her place under the assumption it was over, mentioned “take care” and went on my way. She calls the next day & left a message about wanting to talk. We get together and talk, go over her thoughts/concerns and stay together. St. Patrick’s night I get hammered (big mistake) and we end up arguing about petty stupid stuff (only time we ever argued, although it wasn’t much of an argue session). Again I leave her place thinking it’s over, but she shows up at my place the next morning to make sure I made it home okay. We talk about things briefly before she had to leave, as she was headed out of town for work. During the week we talk & text as if nothing happened and make plans to meet up on Sunday, where it is my intentions to end it. Sunday comes and we end up hanging out with some other friends, but it was hard as I knew what I was going to be doing later. We get back to her place to talk and I bring up that it would be in our best interest of we go our separate ways, as we want different things in life. It gets to be an emotional time, as we still felt so strongly towards each other and it takes me almost 15 minutes to walk out the door, as we stood there holding each other for what seemed like an eternity. She sends a text the next night, only got 3 hours of sleep, eyes watering all day, crazy dream about me and about the topic of our conversation the night before. Calls me a couple nights later wanting to talk, which ends up being an emotional conversation as she starts crying, bringing up how she saw photos of us in her phone, blah, blah, blah. It was the only time she showed any real, true and raw emotion. We meet up a couple days later (yes, big mistake on my part, but as stated above how long it had been since I was in a relationship so I don’t have a lot of experience, plus she smells good) and talk about things, again, and we start hanging out. Things go good for a couple weeks, then she starts to get distant again and I decide to just let things roll until the wheels fall off. I get a returned phone call one night and she ends it with “I just can’t do this anymore”, “you’re a great guy” and then I interrupt her and say yea, I know it’s over. So, after 6 weeks of NC and feeling really good about it & myself, I pull a pretty stupid maneuver and send the following email – don’t even know what the hell I was thinking. So as you can see, there’s a reason to stay NC, as you may get a response like I got. But at the same time I am ever so curious as to what the lovely people here at LS think about the emails? Is her response justified, as I think she went a little over the top. My email to her: I hope this email finds you well and although you may not want to hear from me, I’m hoping that you can read this with an open mind. I’m not too sure why I’m even doing this, other than to let you know some things as I feel our final conversation was cut kind of short. Some part of me wanted to (not like) you for the way you ended it – but another part of me won’t let that happen, as I still remember the girl I didn’t want to let go of the night after Redlands, who in turn had called me a few days later with tears in her eyes recalling how she saw photos of us on her phone. It was the only time you had shown me you were vulnerable and true emotions showed through. With what you used to end it, the phrase "I just can't do this anymore", then being cut off by me and not really explaining what you couldn't do – it had originally left me wondering just what it could be. I know that it could have been any number of things, but I've come to realize there may be one thing that stands above all the others when dealing with a relationship - that a successful relationship consists of two people that are both having their needs met from one another in all aspects of said relationship, and your needs were not being met by me! It makes me sad to admit that - that I had a truly great & wonderful girl and I didn't do what I needed in order to hold on to her. A healthy relationship is so much more than hanging out and enjoying someone’s company, no matter how great you get along. I had become selfish with my time, was not thinking about your needs and it may have pushed you away – in short, I took you for granted. It makes me sad to admit that as well. I know there were / are other things as well, but this is one that is in the forefront of my mind. So for what it's worth ___, I truly am sorry that I treated you the way I did, that things had to end and I apologize whole heartedly for any hurt I may have caused you. I hope you know that I really did like you, I liked you very much & in my own sort of screwed up way cared for you as well, although I would bet you never really felt like I did. In this time apart I have grown to miss you, think about you and am left with some very fond memories of us, and the one from above about not wanting to let you go is one of the most memorable (I always enjoyed hugging you). Thank You for everything you did for me in our time together, and a Really Big Thank You for making me feel special and for being someone that could care about me the way that you did. Take care ___, I wish you all the best. Her response: Hmmm. I find your email to be quite odd, since it is coming from someone who demonstrated to me that he has no clue about relationships. My guess is that you've either been doing some googling, or that you read a self help book recently.....? If so, good for you. What I meant by "I just can't do this anymore," is that I cannot continue spending time with someone who is sucking the life out of me, whose finances are a complete mess and is going to do absolutely nothing about it. I couldn't keep putting effort into something that I was getting nothing out of. That is what I meant. And yes, you are right, you were not meeting my needs and I knew you were absolutely not capable of that, so I had to cut my losses. It makes no difference to me whether or not you like me or dislike me for the way I ended it (or anything else for that matter). Think whatever it is that you want - it is up to you. That is one thing about me - when I realize that I am the one that is doing all of the work and getting nothing in return, I will eventually cut it off, and 99% of the time, I will no longer give a ****. I spent months trying to make you feel good, and in the end, you only cared about me in a "screwed up" way. The reason for me ending it had nothing to do with the fact that you were spending extra time training for that mountain bike ride, which I assume is what you were referring to when you mentioned that you were being selfish with your time....? I really didn't care at all that you were doing that, and anyone that knows me well, knows that I value time to myself and can occupy my time with numerous things and be happy. And, I like it when the men in my life have goals and strive to achieve them, for themselves. What did bother the **** out of me, was the fact that you put so much of your energy into riding your bike, and absolutely no energy into figuring out how to clean up your financial mess, or fixing any of the other issues that you had. It was precisely this disregard that you have for anything responsible, that pushed me over the edge. I don't mean to be mean here, but clearly you want to know what I meant by "I can't do this anymore." So, I hope that this email does not make you sit in your apartment for another X number of years being depressed because you have faced some opposition in life, that is not my intent. I do hope, however, that this is a wake up call for you, to get up and do something meaningful with your life. All of the things that you are unhappy with in life can be changed, but you need to put in the work for that. That is the thing about life, anything worth having, isn't easy to get; it takes hard work, sacrifice and determination. I hope that you find something within yourself to make some changes in your life so that you can be happy. If not, I guess I hope that doing what you are doing is making you happy, but I will never understand that. And yes, thank you for your kind wishes for me - I am doing fantastic. Take care,
wilsonx Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 I notice she’s a little off, so I ask on Christmas night and she brings up the whole future deal (marriage, kids, she’s turning 30, etc) and made it sound like she was unsure if she wanted me in it. I left her place under the assumption it was over, mentioned “take care” and went on my way. She calls the next day & left a message about wanting to talk. We get together and talk, go over her thoughts/concerns and stay together. Her response: Hmmm. I find your email to be quite odd, since it is coming from someone who demonstrated to me that he has no clue about relationships. My guess is that you've either been doing some googling, or that you read a self help book recently.....? If so, good for you. What I meant by "I just can't do this anymore," is that I cannot continue spending time with someone who is sucking the life out of me, whose finances are a complete mess and is going to do absolutely nothing about it. I couldn't keep putting effort into something that I was getting nothing out of. That is what I meant. And yes, you are right, you were not meeting my needs and I knew you were absolutely not capable of that, so I had to cut my losses. It makes no difference to me whether or not you like me or dislike me for the way I ended it (or anything else for that matter). Think whatever it is that you want - it is up to you. That is one thing about me - when I realize that I am the one that is doing all of the work and getting nothing in return, I will eventually cut it off, and 99% of the time, I will no longer give a ****. I spent months trying to make you feel good, and in the end, you only cared about me in a "screwed up" way. The reason for me ending it had nothing to do with the fact that you were spending extra time training for that mountain bike ride, which I assume is what you were referring to when you mentioned that you were being selfish with your time....? I really didn't care at all that you were doing that, and anyone that knows me well, knows that I value time to myself and can occupy my time with numerous things and be happy. And, I like it when the men in my life have goals and strive to achieve them, for themselves. What did bother the **** out of me, was the fact that you put so much of your energy into riding your bike, and absolutely no energy into figuring out how to clean up your financial mess, or fixing any of the other issues that you had. It was precisely this disregard that you have for anything responsible, that pushed me over the edge. I don't mean to be mean here, but clearly you want to know what I meant by "I can't do this anymore." So, I hope that this email does not make you sit in your apartment for another X number of years being depressed because you have faced some opposition in life, that is not my intent. I do hope, however, that this is a wake up call for you, to get up and do something meaningful with your life. All of the things that you are unhappy with in life can be changed, but you need to put in the work for that. That is the thing about life, anything worth having, isn't easy to get; it takes hard work, sacrifice and determination. I hope that you find something within yourself to make some changes in your life so that you can be happy. If not, I guess I hope that doing what you are doing is making you happy, but I will never understand that. And yes, thank you for your kind wishes for me - I am doing fantastic. Take care, You're spidey senses clicked in a LONG TIME AGO. You Fell in Love and you ignored them. The second I read the part where I highlighted and underlined, I knew she was just looking for "SECURITY" Shes one of those women that want the "IMAGE" of the man and not the actual man. She wants your WALLET, know you wont cheat on her, and your man juice. It sucks, keep doing what you are doing and find someone that likes you for YOU as a WHOLE package and not just parts or the image of what you should be
Author eVilton Posted June 25, 2012 Author Posted June 25, 2012 Thanks for the quick hit back. I had kind of thought the same thing, as an issue only came up when money was mentioned. And my finances aren't much of a mess,now that she's not in my life. But what I don't get is why all the cheap shots? To make herself feel better?
wilsonx Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Yup, shes bitter about her past, 30 years old, not married no kids. I remember what my mom said to me last year and she was right "Hurt people hurt others" By the way, take comfort in her life not actually being fantastic. People that are happy or fantastic in their lives dont take low blows at other people 1
todreaminblue Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 When your life is really fantastic, when you are happy and content and i would say normally you wouldnt want spend time writing a bitter email to an ex rehashing why she isnt with you..... so no she isnt happy in her life and so therefore I think she is holding you responsible for that.....and the email she wrote is bitter and a bit condescending not an email from a content and blissfully happy woman......you are not responsible for her happiness or lack thereof it is purely up to her.....she does have issues and you arent responsible for them either.....I hope that you go the nc route now......having contact with her would only be toxic to you getting over her....good luck and best of wishes......deb 2
Author eVilton Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 Awesome responses and both make tons of sense. If anything, her email made it so much easier to go NC and stay that way. Thanks again.
LoveAnimals Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 I agree this woman is very angry with you for whatever reason. And all that anger cannot allow for feeling "fantastic:.
fucpcg Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Uncalled for, nasty, condescending, and holier than thou. To say a few things. That letter from her is horrible, however quite a bit softer than the letter my ex sent me upon breakup... yea if you can believe it, but true. I'm reminded of something I read in my journey of recovery from my ex, it was always accept 100% responsibility for 50% of a breakup. Once again, where your ex sounds like mine. My ex was an angel, and I am "a negative, abusive, self serving, unthoughtful waste of life and I don't deserve her", according to her version of things. The reality was, there were times in our relationship she was the most horrible woman I had ever dated in my life. When it came time for her to move on from me though, for whatever reason she had, she did it because she "was nothing but nice to me and I blew it". Run brotha! I tried fighting to survive the good times that we did share, and all I got from her even a year past breakup was more of the same. She is a miserable, bitter woman. She was before me, and she's worse now. Poor girl, miserable before me because her ex-husband was soo terrible to her. Miserable after me because I was soo terrible to her. She's always got a reason why she's miserable, out drinking, acting a whore, and it's NEVER her. Always someone else. PS - I'm 42, she's 40, so I totally feel ya on this one.
AlexanderJames Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Her response: I don't mean to be mean here, but clearly you want to know what I meant by "I can't do this anymore." So, I hope that this email does not make you sit in your apartment for another X number of years being depressed because you have faced some opposition in life, that is not my intent. I do hope, however, that this is a wake up call for you, to get up and do something meaningful with your life. All of the things that you are unhappy with in life can be changed, but you need to put in the work for that. That is the thing about life, anything worth having, isn't easy to get; it takes hard work, sacrifice and determination. I hope that you find something within yourself to make some changes in your life so that you can be happy. If not, I guess I hope that doing what you are doing is making you happy, but I will never understand that. And yes, thank you for your kind wishes for me - I am doing fantastic. Take care, Im sorry but what the ****? Where does someone get off acting like that this stuff makes me angry. My ex did something similar, I hate petty childish behaviour in adults. Mate she's probably cut up that your thinking about yourself and enjoying life without her. And not all torn up and chasing after her. Heres a similar situation for you. Its on a smaller scale but might shed some light on her actions. My ex was nice and sweet when she broke my heart. I got all the "I'm always here for you if you need me. Im just a phone call away xx" And "I know how hard these things can be xx" Not to mention she messaged me nearly every day making sure I was okay. Until one day when I decided not to talk to her any more, I told her that I needed to stop talking for an extended period of time. I left the door open a bit for her in the message and even told her I still loved her. She was kind and understanding and left me with an "Okay I'm sorry, sometimes I forget and want to say hello. Goodbye x". Which I thought was a mature, mutual ending to our communication. She seemed polite and understanding enough. I assumed it didnt bother her. Not a week went by and I recieved a bag containing some of my things on my doorstep and a note saying "I DONT WANT YOUR ****!!!". I had no idea what had happened in a week to go from sweet and sincere to absolute bitch but I conceded that she was feeling guilty for hurting me and, seeing as I wasnt around to give her the ego boosts she needed by telling her I missed her and her seeing I was unhappy, had to act out in agression and make herself feel victimised to ease with her own suffering. I'll bet she's just trying to make herself feel better by bringing you down. I wouldnt lose sleep over women like these.. Not worth your time. You are better for having her out of your life believe me.
iambookworm Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Most women don't want to be the one who was dumped. So when you dumped her, she had to get you back. And then she dumped you. When she sent you that mean email, that was so she can say to her gal pals, OMG, he was so pathetic, he even wants me back. Get the picture? Sorry to be mean. Not all girls or guys are like that. But that is what she appears to have done. You dodged a bullet.
fucpcg Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Most women don't want to be the one who was dumped. So when you dumped her, she had to get you back. And then she dumped you. When she sent you that mean email, that was so she can say to her gal pals, OMG, he was so pathetic, he even wants me back. Get the picture? Sorry to be mean. Not all girls or guys are like that. But that is what she appears to have done. You dodged a bullet. I believe that is what just happened to me, exactly.
Author eVilton Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 fucpcg & alexander, thanks for your responses and also for the insight and I guess what they say about "no matter how bad you think you have it, someone else has it a little worse" bookworm, you weren't being mean in the slightest, as I had already come to that conclusion about wanting me back so she could be the dumper. In looking back I can totally see that she was a Power Hungry Control Freak and needed to be in charge. And yes, I know very well I dodged a bullet.
iambookworm Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 I believe that is what just happened to me, exactly. Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, I was the one who was "begging" bookworm, you weren't being mean in the slightest, as I had already come to that conclusion about wanting me back so she could be the dumper. In looking back I can totally see that she was a Power Hungry Control Freak and needed to be in charge. And yes, I know very well I dodged a bullet. good for you hope you're feeling better now.
Tiera D Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 i seen exes that say alot worst,especially a case i saw earlier in coping about a 16 year old girl losing virginity to that animal..To OP perhaps she was indeed rather mean to you but as i see it perhaps financially you could not support her?I mean sometimes i think a dumper should atleast tell you what the problem is before dumping you,atleast give an opportunity to improve.I agree with Wilsonx though,the word "Security" comes in my mind as well.I say take some advise in her E-mail concerning improving your financial situation,but ignore the mean parts.Good luck TD
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