Ex broke up with me but says he still loves me.

[inloveandconfusedx]

So, my ex and I had a pretty rocky breakup, he said he was no longer happy, and wanted to break up, this was after a death of a family member, and he said he hadn't been happy in a while and wanted to just be single and what have you. We were together for 2 years. He's 21, I'm 20.

 

So, he played the "Oh, I want to be with you." "Oh, I want to break up." Game with me for a bit, and then finally ended it about a week ago.

 

However, I went over there today, to ask him when he wanted me to give him his stuff back, since I have some extra stuff lying around, and we ended up talking, I apologized for how bad I had been in our relationship, I had taken him for granted, and I wanted him to know I still loved him and cared for him.

 

We ended up going to his room together and just laying around together,we almost sex, but I stopped that because I knew it would make things harder.

 

The thing is though, he was acting like he did when we were together, he was holding me, kissing me, tickling me, etc. I just don't get it, I gave him this big speech about how I wanted to make it work, etc, I even cried a bit, but at the end of all that, he said he still didn't want to get back together right now, the relationship was not what he wanted right now, etc. He also admitted he still loved me, but didn't want this relationship right now.

 

Anyway, when I was getting to leave, I was asking him if he'd start at least talking tome a bit, and he said no, since that was the only way he could have time to himself. He said he'd call me at the end of July after he had a few weeks off to see if he wanted this relationship. He even kissed and hugged me before I left, when I was pulling away from the hug, he made a little noise that said he didn't want me to go, but I had to.

 

Anyway, what does this all mean? I'm so confused, first he says he's done, ignores any text messages/calls I've been trying to send him for the past week, and now this happens.

 

Let me just also add, at this point, I would take him back in a heartbeat.

 

Help?

Edited June 25, 2012 by inloveandconfusedx

[MooBear]

I really don't want to say this. From what you've written it seems like he isn't in love with you. He broke up with you because he wants to be single. He is now finding out that it isn't as fun as he thought it might be and that's why he'll play this in/out game with you.

 

He's lonely now and hes missing the companionship of the relationship - the cuddling and hanging out. If he really wanted to get back together with you, he would do it. I don't doubt that he does still have feelings for you, but he's creating false hope for you and he's being pretty selfish. I've been in the same situation. I would be over there as soon as he called. But you're smarter than me - I thought if I kept having sex with him, he'd fall back in love with me. If I kept showing him what he was missing, he'd want me back. But it didn't happen. I tore myself to shreds doing his little "I want you but I don't want to be with you" dance for months. One day he texted me to tell me he'd been seeing someone and it just got serious so he needed me to not contact him anymore in case she got jealous and (I nearly died) he didn't want to hurt her. Most humiliating moment of my life.

 

The only way he's going to come back - IF he comes back - will be with you taking that comfort away. Tell him you're happy to be friend's but that's it. No cuddling, no running over to him when he wants you. Right now you're giving him exactly what he wants - he gets your attention whenever he wants it, but can still be "free". Sorry to cliché, but he's got his cake and he's eating it too.

 

Try not to keep focusing on him coming back to you. It may never happen and you will have wasted all this time and energy for nothing. Trying to move on wont do any damage. At the end of the day, if he wants to be with you, he's going to come to you and tell you. Until he specifically says that, it's not even an option and you need to tell yourself that. You've done really well not sleeping with him - you've got the strength to do that, so I believe you have the strength to not let him dangle you on a string. You deserve a whole lot better than that.

 

I'm sorry, I know it's awful. But no matter what ends up happening, either way you'll feel better for it in time. That's from experience

[KatZee]

I have to agree. He's not in love with you. I'm also saying this from personal experience. My ex also played this game. When we were together he flip flopped from, "I love you so much" to "I'm not sure I want to be with you anymore." and each time I tried to make it work by apologizing fr my short comings, promising to change, and be a "better" girlfriend. All this did was fill me with anxiety and lowered my confidence.

 

If he was in love with you he wouldn't be leaving you. He wouldn't be saying he needed a month to realize if he wants the relationship. He wouldn't be saying he's unhappy.

 

My ex said the same things as he was breaking up with me. He actually went so far as to cry loads of crocodile tears, told me he still loved me, told me he could see us starting fresh, hugged me, kissed me goodbye, told me I was his best friend and that he isn't want to lose me; I can go on all day with all the bull**** that spewed from his compulsive lying mouth.

 

We went about two months no contact. In the beginning I was like you. I would have gotten back with him. As the days went on I realized, "why would I want someone that doesn't want me?" why would you be so desperate and lack confidence to run back to a person who has told you on more than one occasion that he's not happy with you? It doesn't matter if you try to change or acknowledge and apologize. He's not happy with you.

 

After two months NC my ex turned on me and his true colors came out. Nothing he had said when we broke up was true. He never wanted to be with me again, and had zero intention of "working on himself" or "finding himself" like he said. It was all bull**** to end it as "nicely" as possible; which I don't understand because honesty always works best, not sugar coating reality.

 

Do NOT wait for this guy; and you really need to get out of the mindset that you'd take him back in a second. He knows this, trust me and he'll use it against you. If someone would have told me my ex and I would have had the falling out we had, I wouldn't have believed it. But he's shown himself to be a compulsive liar, manipulator, and an overall selfish, self-centered, egotistical person.

[Charlie25]

I agree with the others here. What he is doing is not fair towards you, so just run for the hills

 

Every situations is unique, and i see this repeated time and time again, but for your own sake and that of the relationship: Go NC

 

You are so young, and it looks like hes got itchy feet, he wants to be single and party with his friends; and it the long run, it will only cause you heartbreak.

[mb88]

To me - and I'm a male - this sounds like GIGS (Grass is Greener Syndrome). To be honest I don't 100% agree with the phrase (to me its more to do with immaturity, naivety and partly a lust for something more) but for simplicity we'll use it here.

 

He wants to be single. At 20/21, a relationship is probably too much for him; there is so much out there to experience. From my experience in life (I'm mid 20's so I don't claim to be an expert by any means) the majority of people this young are just not mature enough to be involved in a committed adult relationship. 20+ years ago this may have been the norm, but not now.

 

The attempts to hug you etc are just like what the previous poster said; loneliness and boredom. Do not be fooled by it! The best thing you can do now is go NC (I know it's hard believe me) but long term it works. Out of sight, out of mind. And who knows, in a few months you may feel completely different. Feelings can take a while too dissipate and sometimes they don t change at all! But eventually your mindset does! He may crawl back in a few months and you may feel totally different.

 

Go NC, like he wants. Show him how strong you are. If he comes back in the future and you feel you two can work it out, happy days. In the meantime forget about him, go live your life and embrace the freedom you have. Any break from a relationship is a time to explore, learn, and grow.