2sunny Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Consequences? Did she quit the job today? If she didn't - the A will STILL continue just by HER BEING THERE!
Realist3 Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 I admire your intentions of protecting the betrayed spouse further damage. But there is something to be said about the damage is ALREADY done by the act of the affair itself. The full truth is about starting over. It's about rebuilding a new realtionship based on honesty. It's about proving to the betrayed spouse that you are remorseful for the pain you have caused and are now in it 110%. Noone needs to hear the gory details but in another way that is sometimes EXCATLY what they need to hear to know they are getting what is needed to begin trust anew... THE TRUTH. Like I mentioned before it all hinges on whether there can be a new start and whether they both want it. How many times have you read about the lingering thoughts the BS has about the details of their significant other with someone else and how that taints their ability to move along?
GLDheart Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Like I mentioned before it all hinges on whether there can be a new start and whether they both want it. How many times have you read about the lingering thoughts the BS has about the details of their significant other with someone else and how that taints their ability to move along? I agree. It is about a new start. One that can only happen with both parties on board. I think that the mind movies do a fair enough job of tainting future trust. Hearing the cold hard facts on the other hand can lend credibility to a new start based on truth.
2sunny Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Referring to her married OM as a " good man" is incredibly short sighted! He probably had sex with your wife! He certainly KNOWS intimate details of your life as well as how you "perform"! YOUR wife took your intimacy and personal life to ANOTHER MAN! He's not a good man! Your wife isn't a good wife either - based on HER actions and HER willingness to BETRAY YOUR M and FAMILY! Don't sugar coat it - don't down play this! Has she been to counseling? Quit the job? IF not - you really have no starting point to think anything can get better! YOU should be flaming mad at her! She should have consequences or she will do it again... Probably again with HIM ( that man you refer to as "good!"). Nothing about him is good! He's violated your M. There is NO trust at this point. She needs to EARN it back. It starts by getting honest. Give her a polygraph if you need to - you need her truth! Get tested for std's - and don't have sex with her - it sends her a signal that you're ok with her bad behavior!
Author coza Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 how do you suppose he's a "good" man when he was about- or maybe already did -bang your wife??? :::SCRATCHING HEAD::: Yea, your'e right.
Author coza Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 (edited) Hi All. thanks for all the pointers so far, they have help me make the right decision and I cant tell you all how grateful i am for that. Some have referenced me to as a wuss and the likes... well, Im a hard 240lbs man with a reputation of being a stubborn hard arse but I'll tell you what... this has turned me into a big wuss alright... no doubt. Especially that my W and I have always had a very open relationship and are at most times like best friends as well as lovers. this has utterly destroyed me. on my last post yesterday evening i had been KUI (Keyboarding under the influence) and not thinking clearly, but thsi is what it has resorted to... although not a wise idea to go and get yourself into a drunken stupor, as this will not resolve anything, it did let me vent my anger about thsi to my W. (verbally and not physically) SHe is resigning from her job, even though her income is very much needed and that because the company is paying her study bursary, she will lose that and we'll have to repay what has already been payed towards it, I am not going to stop her. As I had told her when she asked me whether or not she should resign... I simply told her that that is entirely her decision and that I am not willing to make that decision for her... (of course, that decision from her will be a major influence to the probability of us reconciling or not). I can see that she is mortified about it all. I found out via a phone call this morning from one of our best mutual friends that she had told them what she had done as she wanted them to know before i tell them and that she would like them to talk to me about it for support. they are not very happy with her at the moment and have agreed that what she has done is wrong. they have in no way come to her defense and this concerns me a bit on how their feelings to m W will be should we reconcile... will we potetnially lose them as very good friends? She seems to be making all the right moves thus far to reconciliation. as has been mentioned before in others posts, she needs to be honest and tell the truth and ok, there has been 2 discussions between us on the matter and I feel that she has pretty much told me the thuth. it wasn't great fun, but it was done and I am dealing with it in varying ways. the only omission is whether or not sex was involved, in which she did admit that especially in the beginning, that both of them wanted to and on a particular day when they had gone to a work related financial meeting in another city for the afternoon (Of which i was fully aware of), they were so wound up with one another but something, for some reason on both their parts had held them back. the OM had done the driving to the meeting and back and so dropped my W off at home and as they stopped out the front, my son and daughter came running out to their mother delighted that Mommy was home and this was when they both (both the cheating chusband and my W) decided that they could not take it that far. they continued with the flirting on and off but then the touching / kissing stopped after that. It's tough! but, i am still indecisive about our M. is we reconcile and it all works out fine,... then great! but if we reconcile and she does it again... that would just simply be crushing. the only thing to be sure of is that if we do give us another shot, that I have to be certain that it wont happen again. Edited June 26, 2012 by coza
frozensprouts Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 we had the sit down tonight... and boy... it came in 3D HD tv. she was straight to the point and so was I. I had totally de-tached myself from my emotions on this matter and I think it paid off. she is still denying sleeping with him but, i think you are right... 2 years down the road... they had to be. her defense was that itthe relationship would go hot for 3 - 4 weeks and then cool down for same... again picking up for a week or two and then cold again. Fact of the matter is that it happened.. and over a period of 2 years. I am absolutely convinced that she has told the truth up to the point that they didnt sleep together.... i think. again the jury is out on that one... i havent told her this yet but tomorrow I'll be informing here (and my kids) that I am booking into a hotel for a week for work up country. i'll then make a call on it. yes, i can see that she regrets that it has happened and i sincerely believe that she loves me but I have two extremely intenlligent kids thati dont want to srew up over the this but perhaps its est to call it a day and try work with a seperated family structure. After taking a week away fom everything, i will have had time to evluate everything and will then make a call on it sometimes a bit of time apart can give you some clarity, away from all the external influences and "noise". If you feel you need information from her, don't be afraid to ask. Some people find it very helpful to find out everything they can about the affair, and some don't. Do what works best for you. Some find it helpful to take some time and make a list of all the things they feel they want to know. If you want to ask her things about the affair, then ask, and don't feel bad if you find yourself asking the same things over and over...you may need to do that in order to mentally process what happened. try ad let your wife know that you expect honesty from her, and that she needn't be afraid to tell you what happened. Trust has to be rebuilt, and part of that will be her trusting you enough to be open and honest with you. Tell her that you may get angry, but she doesn't have to be afraid. Just do whatever you feel you need to do to begin to heal ( just one caveat...sometimes, in our hurt and anger, we lash out or do things that are totally "not us"...be careful not to lose yourself)
BetrayedH Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Hi All. thanks for all the pointers so far, they have help me make the right decision and I cant tell you all how grateful i am for that. Some have referenced me to as a wuss and the likes... well, Im a hard 240lbs man with a reputation of being a stubborn hard arse but I'll tell you what... this has turned me into a big wuss alright... no doubt. Especially that my W and I have always had a very open relationship and are at most times like best friends as well as lovers. this has utterly destroyed me. on my last post yesterday evening i had been KUI (Keyboarding under the influence) and not thinking clearly, but thsi is what it has resorted to... although not a wise idea to go and get yourself into a drunken stupor, as this will not resolve anything, it did let me vent my anger about thsi to my W. (verbally and not physically) SHe is resigning from her job, even though her income is very much needed and that because the company is paying her study bursary, she will lose that and we'll have to repay what has already been payed towards it, I am not going to stop her. As I had told her when she asked me whether or not she should resign... I simply told her that that is entirely her decision and that I am not willing to make that decision for her... (of course, that decision from her will be a major influence to the probability of us reconciling or not). I can see that she is mortified about it all. I found out via a phone call this morning from one of our best mutual friends that she had told them what she had done as she wanted them to know before i tell them and that she would like them to talk to me about it for support. they are not very happy with her at the moment and have agreed that what she has done is wrong. they have in no way come to her defense and this concerns me a bit on how their feelings to m W will be should we reconcile... will we potetnially lose them as very good friends? She seems to be making all the right moves thus far to reconciliation. as has been mentioned before in others posts, she needs to be honest and tell the truth and ok, there has been 2 discussions between us on the matter and I feel that she has pretty much told me the thuth. it wasn't great fun, but it was done and I am dealing with it in varying ways. the only omission is whether or not sex was involved, in which she did admit that especially in the beginning, that both of them wanted to and on a particular day when they had gone to a work related financial meeting in another city for the afternoon (Of which i was fully aware of), they were so wound up with one another but something, for some reason on both their parts had held them back. the OM had done the driving to the meeting and back and so dropped my W off at home and as they stopped out the front, my son and daughter came running out to their mother delighted that Mommy was home and this was when they both (both the cheating chusband and my W) decided that they could not take it that far. they continued with the flirting on and off but then the touching / kissing stopped after that. It's tough! but, i am still indecisive about our M. is we reconcile and it all works out fine,... then great! but if we reconcile and she does it again... that would just simply be crushing. the only thing to be sure of is that if we do give us another shot, that I have to be certain that it wont happen again. It is very positive that she is willing to leave the job. If the affair were continuing, she would likely balk at that request but instead she has done it voluntarily. This doesn't mean it is all sunshine and sunflowers now but it is a bright spot in a very dark time for you. As Frozen has said, don't hesitate to ask questions and to require honesty and non-defensiveness. Get control of your own anger. You have every right to be angry but you must control your actions. Boozing up ain't gonna help (trust me on this one). You might want to consider giving up alcohol for a while; it can be a catalyst in a very emotional time already. This is going to push you further than you've ever been before. Find safe ways and times to discuss it. While you don't want to reward her for honesty (you deserve it already), you don't want to punish her for being honest either. Good luck.
ComputerJock Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Unfortunately you are always going to have doubt about if your wife had sex with the OM. The best way to find out is surprise her with a lie-detector test. Most time the wandering wife or husband will tell everything before the test. If she takes the test and fails, then you have a basis of understanding of your wife's level of honesty.
2sunny Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 There is no way to forgive unless your gut tells you she's told all of what you need to know. If you have questions - ask! If you think she's minimizing and not being honest. She probably isn't. Ask more questions.
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