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I told my ex to stay with her boyfriend right now-did i do the right thing?

gant29

By gant29
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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gant29 Member

gant29

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I am hoping some of you can relate to my story. I hope you can read this and perhaps give me some good advice.

 

My ex and I have dated for 5 years off and on. We broke up completely 6 months ago. In that time we have remained close friends but have had many arguments and fights about our "relationship/friendship" She has had a boyfriend since shortly after we broke up and did not tell me about him right away but finally came clean about 2 months ago.

 

About 6 weeks ago, she informed me that her and her boyfriend were having problems and that she still had feelings for me. We started hanging out every day and talking all the time. She told me she needed time to figure out how she felt about both him and me.

 

After some time we started flirting and talking sexually over text messages. One thing led to another and we slept together a few times. I asked her soon after we began sleeping together if she had figured out anything and how she felt about her and boyfriends relationship. After that conversation she started acting very weird and distant toward me. She completely turned and basically stopped talking to me, as well as pursuing our relationship. We got into a huge fight at my Aunt's home and after that she stopped answering my calls or text messages. I accused her of using me and playing games. I said some really hurtful things to her, and regardless of what she was doing to me, I immediately felt bad about some of the stuff I said.

 

She stopped all interaction with me, and that made me assume that her boyfriend is the one she wants to be with right now and her freaking out when I asked about him proves that. I don't really think she was using me, I do think she cares for me-I just don't understand why she would all of a sudden stop all interaction with me over an argument?

 

Weeks went by and i finally heard from her 2 days ago. She called me upset and said her brother was moving to Sydney. I listened and was there and took the opportunity to apologize for saying hurtful things to her a couple weeks before. She said it was okay, but maybe we should just be friends. I said I agreed and told her that it seems she really loves her boyfriend and that she should be with him, but i still want her in my life. She didn't really say anything to that. We had an okay conversation and I hung up the phone and haven't heard from her since.

 

My dilemma is I am completely in love with her still. I would like to be with her again, and I know she still loves me too. Did I make a mistake by telling her to stay with her boyfriend? Even though I believe she should because she loves him and is just maybe confused about me still and torn right now. Do you think she will respect and appreciate me more right now by saying that, and by not clinging on to her and begging her to come back to me? Even though I want to.

Radu Established Member

Radu

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I am hoping some of you can relate to my story. I hope you can read this and perhaps give me some good advice.

 

My ex and I have dated for 5 years off and on. We broke up completely 6 months ago. In that time we have remained close friends but have had many arguments and fights about our "relationship/friendship" She has had a boyfriend since shortly after we broke up and did not tell me about him right away but finally came clean about 2 months ago.

 

She was playing you, friends don't lie to eachother.

You were the potential backup due to your repeated on/off.

 

About 6 weeks ago, she informed me that her and her boyfriend were having problems and that she still had feelings for me. We started hanging out every day and talking all the time. She told me she needed time to figure out how she felt about both him and me.

Wow, just 2 weeks after telling you she had a bf she mentiones the problems with the rebound guy.

Perish the thought that it was all planned.

 

After some time we started flirting and talking sexually over text messages. One thing led to another and we slept together a few times.
Nothing lead to another, you made a conscious decision to be the OM in her relationship.

She made a conscious decision to cheat on her relationship.

 

I asked her soon after we began sleeping together if she had figured out anything and how she felt about her and boyfriends relationship. After that conversation she started acting very weird and distant toward me. She completely turned and basically stopped talking to me, as well as pursuing our relationship. We got into a huge fight at my Aunt's home and after that she stopped answering my calls or text messages. I accused her of using me and playing games. I said some really hurtful things to her, and regardless of what she was doing to me, I immediately felt bad about some of the stuff I said.
You brought her back to reality and the realisation that she cheated hit her.

So, it just 'happened' that you two got into an argument soon after, which lead to your breaking up.

You shouldn't have felt bad, she was and still is playing games.

 

She stopped all interaction with me, and that made me assume that her boyfriend is the one she wants to be with right now and her freaking out when I asked about him proves that. I don't really think she was using me, I do think she cares for me-I just don't understand why she would all of a sudden stop all interaction with me over an argument?
Maybe not conscious using you, but she was using you.

 

Weeks went by and i finally heard from her 2 days ago. She called me upset and said her brother was moving to Sydney. I listened and was there and took the opportunity to apologize for saying hurtful things to her a couple weeks before. She said it was okay, but maybe we should just be friends. I said I agreed and told her that it seems she really loves her boyfriend and that she should be with him, but i still want her in my life. She didn't really say anything to that. We had an okay conversation and I hung up the phone and haven't heard from her since.
Why the hell did you apologize ?

You called it how you saw it, and quite frankly, you are spot on.

Why did you listen to her ?

She went away, dissapeared, gave you the message she wants nothing with you and there you are listening to her garbage that is not even that important ... her brother is moving ... WHO THE **** CARES ?

If he tried to kill himself and you two had a very close friendship i could understand.

It was just a reason she used, to call you. That's all.

When you told her to stay with her bf, she was silent ... i guess that's a good enough answer.

 

My dilemma is I am completely in love with her still. I would like to be with her again, and I know she still loves me too. Did I make a mistake by telling her to stay with her boyfriend? Even though I believe she should because she loves him and is just maybe confused about me still and torn right now. Do you think she will respect and appreciate me more right now by saying that, and by not clinging on to her and begging her to come back to me? Even though I want to.
She doesn't love him, ppl who are in love don't cheat, it's that simple.

Love is so strong, that ppl who are completely in love with that person won't cheat on that person even under complete hypnosis.

She wants you on the backburner, that's what all of these games are about.

 

-----

Bottom line, you're a wuss, who was your male rolemodel in life ?

She's bad news, very bad news.

She cheats on her bf, she tries to be with 2 guys at the same time, pls tell me you didn't go raw when you had sex with her.

I would be very scared to even have sex with her, what if she decides to want a baby by you ???

The ultimate unbreakable link.

 

What you do right now, with your 'friendship' is stupid and retarded.

You are not friends with ex's unless kids or serious businesses are involved.

What you do right now is highly disrespectfull to your future gf's and to her bf.

Put yourself in his place, this girl would tell you that this guy she dated for 6yrs is 'just friends', the oldest line in the book ffs.

How would you act ?

Edited by Radu
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flitzanu Established Member

flitzanu

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no need to reply here, radu nailed this one again.

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gant29 Member

gant29

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Wow. Very straight forward and honest words in your response to my post. Thank you, I needed to hear it. I think you nailed a lot of it right on the head.

 

I am just confused by her silence after I told her to stay with her boyfriend. I know she wasn't expecting that-she wanted me to beg her to stay.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

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Wow. Very straight forward and honest words in your response to my post. Thank you, I needed to hear it. I think you nailed a lot of it right on the head.

 

I am just confused by her silence after I told her to stay with her boyfriend. I know she wasn't expecting that-she wanted me to beg her to stay.

 

Don't be confused.

You played a card she didn't expect. Now she's having to re-assess the fact that YOU're the one confusing her.

 

keep it that way.

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gant29 Member

gant29

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I haven't heard from her for 3 days, and I text her last night and asked if she wanted to get together for coffee today. No text back, no call, no email--no response at all from her. What now?

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

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stand in front of a mirror, and tell the person you're looking at that he's a complete idiot.

then, make a coffee, have a slice of toast and marmite, (if you don't like it, all the better, serve you right!) then go about your day pretending it never happened.

 

If she does reply, DO NOT RESPOND.

 

If you DO respond, repeat from step one.

 

And read the No Contact guide in my signature.

 

It's the best one you will ever find.

Million.to.1 Established Member

Million.to.1

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You told her to be with her boyfriend, so she is.

 

Why do you need to have coffee? You are contradicting yourself by still demanding attention from her even as a friend.

Not many people on Love-shack will encourage a friendship / relationship with ex's, especially in this situation. Most will encourage you to adopt a N/C approach and stop initiating contact with her at all.

 

 

You need some time apart, and you need to seriously consider what Radu has said to you and think about how perpetuating this toxic love-triangle "friendship" as you call it, will do you, or her any good.

 

You seem like a nice guy and regardless of how much you say you love her, you know it was wrong to encourage this cheating.

 

Do you live in a small town? Are you families connected? I'm trying to understand why you see you ex so often.

 

regardless of the long-trem outcome, by this i mean whether or not you and her get back-together in the short or long term future, you know that she has to truly want to be with you. She shouldn't be in another relationship and she should come begging saying nothing less than she made a huge mistake and will do anything to fix things with you. Even then, you should take at least a week to think it through before thinking about for another week and then txt her saying you need another month to think it through.

in the meantime, trying to maintain a friendship with her, will destroy you.

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gant29 Member

gant29

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I think I need to give a little more backround on our relationship. I live in a city in England right now that isn't small (around 80,000 residents) but I am originally from Vancouver area and she is from Canada as well. We originally met in the UK around 5 years ago.

 

We did not begin as "just friends" we met and immediately began dating. I was fresh out of a long term relationship and was somewhat cautious at first about getting too involved with her but our connection was very strong from the beginning. The first year with her was great. We were honest and open with each other for the most part, and there were some arguments but always constructive and always resolved. We became best friends quickly as well as being in a relationship.

 

I soon found out things weren't so perfect in the 2nd year. I found out she strayed from the relationship a few times and cheated on me which i soon found out about. She told me she was really screwed up, sexually and otherwise, and said i deserved better. We broke up for a few months but soon got back together. We tried numerous times to make it work as a couple but it seemed every time things got comfortable she would cheat again. I got fed up and ended it numerous times BUT our friendship never suffered, we remained close-very close. And I had my problems too. In my head I thought we were amazingly screwed up together and even though we both had faults our love would win out and I wanted to be patient for her and for me.

 

When she got with her recent boyfriend I felt that she had finally found the guy she had been looking for, being that I was never enough for her in the past. They seemed to have a lot in common and seemed really good together. I knew they were together even though she didn't tell me about him for awhile. I was happy she was happy.

 

When she started to want to hang out with me so much a couple of months ago i was a little confused and curious as to why it was, because she had basically asked me to move on 3 months ago and said she was happy with her boyfriend.

 

I never would have encouraged her to cheat on him, but she assured me over and over that her and her boyfriends relationship was about to end, that things were rocky and she was not happy, and that she was just waiting for the right time to end it with him. I believed her. She asked me to trust her and be patient. After weeks of hanging out with her and basically dating her again it started to seem like things were going better with her and her bf and that she had no intention of leaving him. That is why i felt used and got upset. The minute I brought him up in conversation she got distant from me.

 

When she called me about her brother. It was kind of a big deal because he has a terminal illness and him leaving for Sydney basically means he wants to go there to die. I was happy she decided to call me about her brother-being that i view her as my best friend too.

 

And now I haven't heard from her in 3 days. I told her to stay with her boyfriend because i think she does love him, but i think she values her relationship with him much more than her relationship with me or she wouldn't just go away on me like this whenever things get less than perfect.

 

I am so confused. What do you think her intentions are? Does it seem like I present myself in a pathetic way to her-which pushes her to disrespect and disregard me whenever she wants to?

 

I believe in my heart of hearts that she is the one for me. I know this because I am strong and would never ever take this from anyone else but her. I don't want to lose her from my life, and I would love for her to figure out her ****, and see me for what I am truly am to her.

 

Am I pathetic? Or does any of this make sense?

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gant29 Member

gant29

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Please respond someone. I am desperate, heartbroken and lost here. PLEASE. Advice and more wise words are needed right now.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

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It's all completely irrelevant.

It's all completely irrelevant, because it's over, in the past and doesn't figure any more.

What counts is now, and what counts is No Contact.

The past cannot support the present, if it's broken.

And it is.

 

You can refer to all the history you want, but it doesn't change what happened.

 

And what happened is that you have to move on.

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gant29 Member

gant29

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Why is no contact the only thing that is revelent right now? Will it produce a response or non response to prove how she feels? Or will it just blanket the situation and make me feel better?

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

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Why is no contact the only thing that is revelent right now?

Have you read the link?

Read it again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

Until you Get It.

 

Will it produce a response or non response to prove how she feels?

 

Neither.

No Contact isn't about her, and what she does or doesn't do.

No Contact is solely about you and what you do or don't do.

Quit focusing on her, she's history, and you shouldn't be looking back.

 

Or will it just blanket the situation and make me feel better?

 

READ - THE - LINK.

 

Then you'll have your answer.

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gant29 Member

gant29

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So you all believe all hope is gone then? and i just need to let her go?

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

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So you all believe all hope is gone then?

Yes.

 

and i just need to let her go?

Yes.

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LovelyDaze Established Member

LovelyDaze

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Everyone is giving you excellent straight forward advice...please take it.

 

The moment you decided to have sex with her again AFTER knowing what she is about has turned you from being her ex-boyfriend to an "optional hook-up"

 

You have to believe that you are worth more than being somebody's back-up plan. As said before, your ex is bad news and actually is pretty selfish.

 

The BEST way to heal and have a chance at true love is to avoid contact with your ex, be by yourself a bit to figure out what KIND of girl you would like to date.

 

On paper, there is no way your ex would make your list of a quality relationship unless you want a girl that cheats and plays tennis with your emotions.

flitzanu Established Member

flitzanu

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the problem is, you're trying to be manipulative, and when it isn't working, you're trying other things.

 

1. she is with someone

2. you told her to stay with him

3. she stopped talking to you

 

that means she wants to be with him, not you.

 

sure, you can have all the hope in the world that she's going to run back to you.

 

but realistically? no, it's not happening. she's made her decision and you're turning into the sad, despondent ex that won't leave her alone. no amount of begging or manipulation is going to change her heart, and it's certainly not going to help you heal.

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LovelyDaze Established Member

LovelyDaze

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I don't want to lose her from my life, and I would love for her to figure out her ****, and see me for what I am truly am to her.

 

Am I pathetic? Or does any of this make sense?

 

Sorry, just had to add this after re-reading that statement: You CANNOT make another human being love you the way you want them to. If she doesn't see you as a great person then that is HER loss. She has to figure her own **** by herself and when she is good and ready.

 

You are not pathetic but you are full speed into your emotions instead of your common sense and logic. Please don't allow yourself to get hurt by her again. And she will, if you allow her back in.

Million.to.1 Established Member

Million.to.1

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All this advice above is spot on. The thing is though, you're not going to listen to any of it will you?

 

When you break-up with someone, you think that your relationship is special, that it is different from other peoples, and no one truly understands the depth of your connection to each other. This is not true.

I felt like this too... I searched here for the advice i wanted rather than what was real and true, yet harder to accept.

You will ask for advice over and over again and only read the one sentence in a whole paragraph that you think applies to you. The thing is, it all applies.

Tara is right... all the history and back-story mean nothing. In fact all it illustrates is how low your self esteem must be in order to accept a girl who constantly cheats on you.

 

You need to understand that you are worth more, and while you are available to her in any form, she will never respect you.

 

You can't make her love you the way you want, and you can't make her respect you.

 

Please read about no contact and stop expecting anything from her. You deserve much better for you life.

 

The thing is... after a 5 year relationship, it will take a few months to be emotionally ready for a new relationship. She is in a rebound and will continue with these patterns for a long time yet. Best way to look at it is, if she is completely out of your life, It will be easier and quicker meeting someone new and creating the sort of relationship you truly want and deserve.

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gant29 Member

gant29

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First of all, I appreciate all of your responses and I thank you immensely for the straight forward-honest advice and I intend to take it. I am not going to contact her again.

 

I guess it is foolish after 5 years to expect or hope for anything to change between us, I guess the thing that is getting me the most is the utter confusion of it all.

 

I do not understand why she just went away on me like this. I know I am one of the closest people to her in her life, if not the closest. What would she get from just disappearing on me? Is she trying to prove something?

 

It just breaks my heart to think that our relationship meant so little to her that she could just throw me away. I know I am not the one she wants to be with, I accept it, and like I said I see that she loves her boyfriend. I am the one who urged her to stay with him right now, and I meant those words.

 

I just don't understand her cutting me out of her life now. She initiated everything that has happened with us the last couple of months. Why am I all the sudden crap to her now. Expendable. This I don't understand-and this is what I am seeking insight about. Losing my friend from this hurts the most. Why would she initiate a reconcilation between us 2 months ago if she had no intention of changing anything with her boyfriend? I just feel like a toy. A five year old toy that was used over and over again and finally discarded.

Edited by gant29
mistake
Million.to.1 Established Member

Million.to.1

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Rather than being confused about why she has cut you off, think about it like she is doing you a favour.

The relationship didn't mean "so little to her" - she is just doing what needs to happen now.

 

The thing is, that no contact is hard, but it REALLY helps you move on properly. She is probably trying to give her new relationship the respect it deserves without having YOU around making things hard for her. She obviously is still torn. You are the one needing something from her. You are giving her all the power.

 

Also, it's only been a few days or weeks since all this happened no?

she needs space, but more relevantly, SO DO YOU.

 

I want you to aim for 3 months COMPLETE NO CONTACT. That means if she txts you you need to reply this and only this...

 

" I think it is better we not contact each other for a while. I'm not angry or mad, I just need space to heal. So please do not contact me. I wish nothing but happiness to you" :)

 

After this, ignore any means of communication she makes with you.

I also suggest you block her from facebook, twitter or any social media. delete her phone number from your phone.

 

After 3 months, do another 3 months, untill you stop counting the months or caring about her at all. Your goal is to reach indifference and be open to other women and new relationships.

 

You can always re-connect as friends in the future. In the way distant future, like in 5-10 years when you are happily married and she has gotten fat and had 5 kids to 4 different men.

Right now, you need to eliminate her from your life. Thats the only way to truly move on a free yourself from this belief that you guys belong together, because it's pretty obvious from the outside that you don't.

Edited by Million.to.1
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gant29 Member

gant29

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Thank you for the words, Million. It has been especially helpful to talk to you about this. You seem to realize and understand what I am going through right now more than anything. Your words in this last post really hit the mark for me, I think you are truly right.

 

I believe I am so angry and hurt right now because I realize she is trying to give her new relationship the respect it deserves, and respect is something she hasn't shown me much in the past. I mean look what she did here. She completely chose him over me, showed how much more she values his love above mine, and showed that it is him she cares about most.

 

I can't figure out why that is. For the life of me.

 

It's hard for me to wrap my brain around that, because we have loved each other for many years and she has only known this guy for a fraction of that. Why is her concern with him and not me? Why am I expendable and he not? I can't understand it, even though i know it's true.

 

She has proven that she is willing to sacrifice me for other men in her life. But she would never sacrifice them for me. She can just take me or leave me.

 

I feel so expendable to her. Why can she show respect to all these other people but never to me? It has to be me. It is not a good feeling.

Edited by gant29
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gant29 Member

gant29

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It is so difficult to know how to feel. For the first time, I am not sure if I did and said the right thing. Ugh. Need some support guys. Please offer any more input that you can...

morichu Established Member

morichu

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So you all believe all hope is gone then? and i just need to let her go?

 

No doubt about it. I had a sort of similar situation a few years ago. I broke up with my girlfriend of about 9 months, she immediately used an ex bf (who was a friend on the side) as a rebound because she couldn't stand to be alone for 1 second. This guy had physically abused her in the past, that's how desperate she was.

 

Big surprise, after a few weeks they had problems and that's when she turned to me and gave me the old "I'm sorry for what happened we should try and make things up blah blah blah" to which I responded "If you're looking for a someone to use in your silly little love triangle you're talking to the wrong guy"

 

Last thing I ever said to her and obviously I don't regret it:cool:

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

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It is so difficult to know how to feel.

 

"how to feel"...?

There is no way you have to feel - you just feel the way you feel, and the way you feel, is the way you feel - but realise that feelings do not define who you are, they just define what you're going through right now - and that, is a changeable feast, if ever there was one.

It's not unheard of for people to experience several different feelings in one day, either simultaneously, or consecutively....

For the first time, I am not sure if I did and said the right thing. Ugh.

The reason for that is either because you've never said it before, or if you have, you didn't mean it, or intend to follow through.

It's not whether it was he right thing or not - And Trust me, IT WAS - what confuses you is that you're now putting your money where your mouth is and walking the talk.

Suiting actions to words.

Saying it and meaning it.

And because, every other time, you've weakened, capitulated and giben in, this time, it's tough to do what you say you're going to do.

 

Need some support guys. Please offer any more input that you can...

Post here when tempted to make contact.

simple.

better here than there.

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