shesworthit Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Hi everybody, could really use some advice right about now... My LDR girlfriend of 8 months broke up with me last week, it went something like this after going back and forth for a little bit: "I'm done. I don't want or need the stress right now and neither do you. Stop thinking about all this, you owe your mind a break, this is why you can't make one person the center of your universe. We have to move on we are just too freaking different." Has a ring of finality doesn't it? Well that's the thing. A couple days before we were relatively okay. A little background: For 5 months she lived with me and things were great, we were on cloud 9, but one problem.. her daughter was with her mom in mexico the whole time, so we were living outside reality in a bubble. When she got laid off, she went to mexico to be with her daughter, the plan was that once my job assignment was done and I moved back to houston and got settled she and her daughter would come to houston. Enter LDR, she was so used to having her mom help with her daughter, it was a stressful, draining thing for her to take on full responsibility again, not to mention the extra attention from the daughter due to fear her mom was going to leave her again. Having just lived with her for 5 months, I expected too much from her, texts/calls etc. She's been down there for 2.5 months, in that time we saw each other once for 7 days. We have had little arguments about Facebook, not telling me where your going, half truths, etc, but we always rebound and the plan to be together in houston was still on. Until last week.. now she is talking about not coming back. She doesn't like the US work routine/lifestyle and if she moved to houston she wouldn't have family support with her daughter, instead shed have to put her in day care all day and work to just be able to pay it, so she wants to stay in mexico, try and start a business with her aunt, raise her daughter around her family etc.. But I feel like i know her well enough that she can't stay down there, she won't be happy long term and will want to come back. But with that decision, our LDR is going no where, I know the whole LDR and me being too overbearing has really stressed her out, and that is what she said.. this was our texts tonight: Me: "I miss you babe and I'm probably breaking the give you space rules by messaging you but i really don't care because i know you and care about you and I'm not going to stop being there for you just because i can't be with you. you said you would keep in touch from time to time but thats not good enough.. i want to be in your life and i want you in mine. we kinda got away from being friends first throughout this whole thing but that never went away, i am still your best friend babe, let me be. I know i was one of the main causes of stress in your life because of the LDR and expecting too much, and because of that and other reasons I'm on the "outs" with you. You think we are just too different, we are on different paths, LDRs don't work, etc etc.. you say what we had was not real, we were in a bubble that popped, but I'm telling you how we felt for each other, me caring for you and being there for you, this was real even if the relationship was never realistic. You say the you i lived with was not the real you, but i care to differ, that was you, may not have been all of you, but i still know you better than most people in your life. Its only been two days so I'm taking a chance and breaking the rules now rather than later.. we both keep checking whatsapp to see last time seen, so i know you think about me.. and I'm telling you its a mistake to cut loose like this.. don't treat me like any other relationship u were in. Please talk to me. Her response: "I've felt less emotional stress since we decided to break up. I'm sure you have too." That's it, thats all the response I got. I don't want to lose her. I know there isn't much to hold onto with her staying in mexico and not coming back to the US but I wonder if I can get back to the girl who wanted to come up here with me. But she is less stressed without me, so I was stressing her out, our relationship was stressing her out, is there any hope. What do I say to her response??? I love her ya'll, i don't want to lose this one. Give me the raw truth, what do you think? Thanks.
cerridwen Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 (edited) Sorry to say, she sounds relieved and it's better for you to leave it alone. Not sure if you're aware of your habit of invalidating how she feels and dismissing what she says. I notice you then overlay YOUR opinion and feelings, relegating her to the role of child while you're the adult who seemingly knows better. For instance: "But I feel like i know her well enough that she can't stay down there.." "I'm probably breaking the give you space rules by messaging you but i really don't care..." "You say the you i lived with was not the real you, but i care to differ..." "I'm telling you its a mistake to cut loose like this." I understand it's an emotional time but this kind of communication only serves to push her further away; and solidify your image as an overbearing boyfriend. My advice is to refrain from trying to convince her (no more texts like last night's); back away and see where the chips fall. She'll only come back if she wants. It's not down to something you can do. I'm sorry you're hurting but you're awfully close to strangling the little bit of relationship that's left. Edited June 25, 2012 by cerridwen 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 I had an over-bearing and clingy boyfriend and I can tell you it sucked all the life out of me and I feel million times better since we broke up. You are only seeing what you want out of this and what she wants seems irrelevant to you. I cringed reading your message as it's something my ex would have written word for word. Basically, when you imply that you know her better than she knows herself, that's BS and quite an arrogant statement to make 1
ladyabstrused Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I agree with ES too. What you wrote sounds like what my ex would have also and it was a very emotionally stressful relationship because I didn't have any "me" time and it was always for my ex and I never really addressed my own needs. OP, somehow, I can kind of relate to your ex. She's happier without you, and you have to come to face that reality. It's only healthier for you to move on and leave her be. You can't force someone to love you if they don't. If she really wants you, she'd come looking for you herself.
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