darkhorse Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 I desperately need some advice on this one!!! I am a well respected employee in my workplace. I met another employee, from a different location, about 2 years ago. He was in upper management and senior to me. I must say that we would have not entertained any romantic notions had we been actual co-workers. We starting out talking on the phone and this progressed quickly into lengthy sessions. We lived several hours apart in distance. We arranged for a date...but, that turned into a hangout session that ended in a hookup. This guy led me to believe that he was divorced but, after the hookup it was discovered that he was just separated. I felt horrible and he too was having regrets as if he cheated. We tried to maintain our friendship at least but, stress from his part of the business and the limbo ex- I assumed got to be too much. He became distant and very little communication. Then abruptly stopped all communication with me. I was very hurt by this and didn't know what to think, feel or what. So, I just tried to forget it ever happened. So, as luck would have it, I find out now this person is transferring and will now be my boss. I am so freaked out! I don't know how to feel. No one knows about this of course and I don't want them to either however, I am having all kinds of anxiety about this. I am trying to act as if nothing ever happened but, I know eventually we will be alone and have to talk about it and I just don't know how to approach that. I am very conflicted! Any advice???
Emilia Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Keep it strictly professional, never say anything, never mention it. As if nothing ever happened. That chapter is closed. 2
utterer of lies Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 First, you should talk to a lawyer specialized in employment law. Then, depending on his advice, you most likely should contact the HR department of your company. Look, it's going to suck anyway. But having to report to him every day will either ruin your job, or ruin your job after a new affair with him turns bad. Better to be proactive about it. I would also look for new job, just in case.
Emilia Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 First, you should talk to a lawyer specialized in employment law. Then, depending on his advice, you most likely should contact the HR department of your company. Look, it's going to suck anyway. But having to report to him every day will either ruin your job, or ruin your job after a new affair with him turns bad. Better to be proactive about it. I'm not being funny but this is the worst thing you can do. The odds are the guy will try to forget about it as much as you do OP. Do look for a new job by all means but the professional approach is to pretend it never happened and just get on with your work.
SarahRose Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 why would you be upset about this? Use it to your advantage. You need a raise, a promotion, better office you know what I mean
utterer of lies Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 I'm not being funny but this is the worst thing you can do. The odds are the guy will try to forget about it as much as you do OP. Do look for a new job by all means but the professional approach is to pretend it never happened and just get on with your work. So what if he tries to forget? He won't. People are not like that. It will always be between them. If she gets a lawyer and acts now, she should be able to switch positions without too many problems - after all, he lied to her, he was likely higher in hierarchy, and he's male. In today's world, she will be seen as the victim. If she would be ok with him being her boss, she wouldn't have written that post. She did, so it's important that she act now, and, with the help of a legal professional, get the best solution to this messy situation. If she waits and doesn't say anything, it will be held against her should this ever blow up.
FitChick Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Since your split wasn't really acrimonious, I'd suggest having a private conversation with him saying the past is the past and you'd like to leave it there. You'd appreciate him not telling any of your coworkers about your relationship and you will respect his privacy by doing the same. Pretending it never happened will just add to the tension, I think. Acknowledge it and move on. 1
Feelsgoodman Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 If she would be ok with him being her boss, she wouldn't have written that post. She did, so it's important that she act now, and, with the help of a legal professional, get the best solution to this messy situation. If she waits and doesn't say anything, it will be held against her should this ever blow up. Aside from it being morally questionable for her to try to play 'victim' in this situation (it's not like she was sexually harassed), your proposed plan of action would almost certainly backfire in a major way. She will be black-flagged by the HR department as a trouble-maker and someone who sleeps with co-workers. That will severely limit her potential for advancement within the company and may even result in her being eventually let go (once enough time has passed) for an 'unrelated' reason.
utterer of lies Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Aside from it being morally questionable for her to try to play 'victim' in this situation (it's not like she was sexually harassed), your proposed plan of action would almost certainly backfire in a major way. She will be black-flagged by the HR department as a trouble-maker and someone who sleeps with co-workers. That will severely limit her potential for advancement within the company and may even result in her being eventually let go (once enough time has passed) for an 'unrelated' reason. Well, she will have to find a new job anyway. Seriously, things like this tend not to just disappear. Her new boss will never be able to see her in a fair light, and that's nothing to say of her own problems with the whole situation.
Feelsgoodman Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Well, she will have to find a new job anyway. Seriously, things like this tend not to just disappear. Her new boss will never be able to see her in a fair light, and that's nothing to say of her own problems with the whole situation. Why? Her boss was the one who ended it...I doubt he has any resentment for her.
fishtaco Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 I wouldn't automatically assume the worst. If there is enough maturity on both sides, you both could just carry on professionally and pretend nothing happened. He could be as worried as you are. You could easily come out all guns blazing. He's in a position of power, he is a male therefore automatically the predator, he actually has the odds stacked against him, if you play your game right and properly set him up for it, which I'm sure if you get the right lawyer, they will be more than happy to instruct you on how to make this happen, for the right price. I think you should talk to an independent professional. Either lawyer or HR person, but someone not associated with your work. I think you should prepare defensively, be ready in case he decides to do something, but I don't see the need to go on the offense right away. Unless of course, you want to make him suffer. Well then hell hath no fury and all that.
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