Trying My Best ;]

[Thisisbs]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been browsing these forums for quite a long time and finally decided to share my story, you guys seem like a great bunch of people to talk to about this kind of stuff. I don't think I can keep talking to my friends and family about this, because they simply don't understand or don't help and I've nagged long enough about this to them.

 

So to start off, I'm a pretty young guy, and she's a pretty young girl. Approximately 5 months ago, I started to talk to her a lot more frequently. We hang out in a common group of friends, half go to one school (she goes to the other), the other half attend another. She had just come out of a "relationship", but it was really a fling that she considered a relationship. We became really really close after a while and it was the first time I felt anyone understood me, or had connected to me. I have bros, pals, acquaintances, but I wouldn't say very many people can understand me. We would talk every day about everything, there was always something to talk about and connect to. She would call late at night and we would have conversations for hours and hours and would never want to sleep.

 

I had honestly never considered getting a girlfriend or anything of that sort in the past, I knew that they would get you hurt if you didn't take precautions and they might be a waste of time/energy/emotion etc. I too as many precautions as I could, to make sure she was right for me. Anyway, one night, we were talking and she asked if I had feelings for anyone, and I replied yes, unknowingly, and it kind of became a game. I did not want her to know that I had feelings for her at that point because I thought that we should have more time to get to know each other, and being young, and being extremely new at this, I was insecure and scared of rejection, back then, I was very very very very (very) self-concious. But, she eventually squeezed out the truth and the next day we were attending a friend's birthday party.

 

At the party, it eventually became apparent that she liked the birthday boy, but when she found out that he was into someone else, she was saddened and you could tell she was unhappy afterwards. So, I was upset by the events that happened that day, but carried on to talk to her, remain really close friends etc... One night, she said that she thinks she has feelings for me, and I was too overjoyed to do anything reasonable, and I voiced these emotions to her. She said she was still unsure, and she could tell that made me shiver, so I guess she felt bad and said we should chill sometime. I offered for her to come over and she agreed. We saw a movie and cuddled and it was the first experience I've ever had of the sorts. From there, we kept seeing eachother, more and more often. On the 4th "date" she came over and we were chilling in my room, and talking and eventually kissed. 6th date, I met her family afterwards and she had met mine. (but they're barely home so not actually personally met them) My visits over became frequent and I can safely say I became somewhat well acquainted with her siblings (I can tell I was accepted) and her dad (her mother however was pretty strict about all this stuff). We kept seeing eachother, but it became harder to do so as the school year progressed near exams. She had also lost her phone sometime before, which made it even more difficult, as she wasn't really allowed to use the home phone.

 

I still attempted to talk to her every day on facebook, tried to talk to her through others, tried to see her, and offered to come over etc. My other friends that have had their relationships unsuccessful or short were usually due to a lack of effort and communication, but I was giving my 100% and trying my best. I would tell her that I could wait for her, and she didn't have to worry about it, I wouldn't think were getting disconnected etc. We hadn't seen eachother for a week at this point. I gave the usual goodnight and I love you (I know you guys are gonna criticize me for this and tell me I'm young etc, but I honestly do/did think I loved her). One day, she confronted me and said that she couldn't handle me telling her this anymore. I was extremely confused and didn't know what was going on, everything seemed so perfect, so serene, and then it just turned to dust. She said she needed time and space to think about this, but I didn't give her time and space, I asked her every day, I cried, I begged, I tried to play the guilt card. We talked to everyone about this (all our mutual friends) before we did to eachother, and that's the last thing I ever wanted in our relationship, I knew it was over, but didn't want it to be. Throughout the entire relationship, I was never confident with myself, I always doubted that she loved me and I always thought of it as a dream. Eventually, it all inevitably ended. She said she was ready to talk, and I biked over to her house, to receive an arrow in the heart. She said that I think she's the one for me, but that she isn't. She said that she doesn't think her feelings will match mine. She said that I'm a great guy etc, but she doesn't have enough time, and she bottom line doesn't have enough feeling to keep trying.

 

I had so much planned to say, I had so much to try, to show her that we could work, but when I arrived, I froze and couldn't do anything. She said she had to go cause she had work and went inside. I texted her saying that I still have things to say etc, and she said she couldn't come out anymore. I skyped her later, after crying the whole 30 minutes home (I think you guys inferred that ;P) and foolishly acted like nothing had changed, she told me how we could still be friends and stuff like that. She sounded relieved and I was just happy that I was talking to her (which is kinda stupid) so I didn't take in anything she was saying or analyze anything. She said she had to go, and everything was done. It was horrible afterwards, I went crazy, I had never felt so uncontrolling of my emotions, my mind, my body, in so long. I had become healthy and fit throughout the relationship and had stopped eating, I didn't know what was going on with me.

 

I didn't talk to her, but I talked to our friends, and they let her clearly know that I wasn't getting better, that I wasn't changing and was still that crying, unconfident, unstable wreck. I went to her doorstep about a week later, telling her I needed her as a friend. She said she should have some time apart. I didn't talk to her for 3 weeks, but the entire time, I was caught up in "she's going to miss me". I could feel that I was getting better, even with the wrong intention in mind. Then, she contacted me, she was asking a simple question, and I tried to turn it into a conversation (Mybad). Every time afterwards that she had contacted me, I tried to turn it into a convo. She became colder and more distant, from responding with some input to simply "Yeah, Mhm, Sure". The other day I tried to talk to her again, asking a simple question, trying to connect to her like we used to, and received the "Yeah, Mhm, Sure" treatment. She wasn't ignoring me, but if she could, if she didn't feel guilty for breaking my heart, she probably would have.

 

 

I've recognised that I've learned, changed for the better in so many different ways, and grown from this experience. I'm trying to limit contact, and trying to stop myself from thinking about her. It comes back to haunt me every single day, and I know that if I went back to the past, the current state of our relationship was unfixable anyway. Although this is on my mind every single day, It's getting easier and I am doing fine, and I desperately wish that I would stop thinking about her, because otherwise, my life would be great right now.

 

I'm posting here today because I had seen a picture of her on facebook, and she was with a guy friend having a lot of fun. I know I should feel happy for her, that's what I should feel, but I don't. Having one of those bad days.. ;/

 

(We were together for 2-3 months, Yes I know it's very short, but we were great friends before so we moved pretty fast)

 

I just had to get my story out, it does feel a lot better to tell people and not be scared about whether or not they're going to judge me.

 

Thanks for listening ^^

[Philosoraptor]

I'll start by saying to continue what you are doing to heal. Take care of yourself and try to enjoy everything you can. I'm not sure of the ages here but I'd gamble she just wasn't really emotionally mature enough for the type of relationship that you wanted. It happens and sometimes you get pushed away because of it.

 

I just caution you about one thing. Don't let this experience scare you from putting yourself out there in the future. I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that the only way to find what you are looking for in this world is to put yourself out there and take a risk.

[Thisisbs]

Thank you for your input. I understand life is all about risks, and I wont let this experience shy me away from any future opportunities, I am young after all. She also said that she was scared of commitment, which does lead me to think that she wasn't ready.