Getting Her Back (Week 2)

[ZhaoZilong5]

I'm going to copy/paste this from another site where I originally posted it.

 

General info: I'm 23M, she's 20F. She lives in SK, while I live in TX. We met on WoW in late 2010. She broke up with her BF in late April of 2011. She said she liked me 8 months before we started dating. We obviously liked each other a lot during the summer, so we got into a relationship on August 28, 2011. She visited me for two weeks after Christmas and throughout New Year's. We were in love, and I still am. We talked about marriage and kids in the future after we've had our adventures together. We thought we were perfect for each other and wanted to be together forever.

 

Fast forward to Friday, June 8, 2012. I noticed she was more distant. After she went out on Saturday, she ignored me for a couple of days. She texted me saying she wasn't okay, and that she'd explain to me on Wednesday. The BU was on June 13, 2012.

 

The reasons why were because I told her I didn't want to move to about two months prior Canada. I thought she'd be okay with moving down here. She's too scared to move down here. Seeing this as an impossibility, she started liking me less and less since that time. Also, she's worried about me not having a job or being in school. Third, she's been making me "upset and angry galore" recently, but that's just me being frustrated about other things and getting mad at the stupidest things with her. The final thing is that there's another guy she likes there.

 

I'm willing to move up there. At first, it was out of desperation, but now after thinking about it and talking with my friends, it might be for the best. Same living costs, cheaper schooling, and I've been wanting to get out of Texas. The reason why I originally didn't want to leave was because of school and my friends, but I have no problem going to U of S now, while before, I didn't think it would be a good institution. The 2nd problem's being addressed as we speak. I'm getting my driver's license and a job in July. I'm going to start going back to school this upcoming fall semester. I've been having huge urges to hit the gym and work on my body. I'm actually average, but I just want to be healthier, bulk up, etc. My best friend is a personal trainer who owns a gym.

 

The guy that she likes however... She met him on the Wednesday exactly one week before our BU. She took a really fast liking to him within the week. Part of the BU was because she didn't want to "* * * * up" and be another "cheating * * * * * ." She said for some reason, she doesn't have much willpower when it comes to him. There's something about him that she likes. She hasn't really made a comparison between us. We're not the same, but she sees him has having all of the character qualities that I have that she likes. She told me she's going to lay low and not making any leaps, but they've been hanging out frequently. She went over to his house and watched Family Guy, and they've been hanging out with her work friends a lot.

 

The guy himself is 26 and has a kid. He broke up with his ex on May 19th after at least a year of dating her. I see all of the signs of my ex and this guy being each other's rebounds. However, my ex has dated a few people around that age before, and she jokingly said to me that all guys at that age are crazy.

 

We've talked through everything, but the problem now is the guy. She didn't want to like him, but her heart shifted, and I understand that. I went through something similar during her age, so that's probably why I can see her side. Her willpower is stunted around him for some reason, and she doesn't know what about him that makes him like her so much.

 

She might be afraid that I'm only willing to move up there out of desperation, but really, I'm not. I just need to get out of TX, and school's cheaper up there. They have great programs at U of S, and I personally don't mind seeing as how all of my friends are busy and building their lives too.

 

On days 1 and 2, I completely messed up everything. I did things like beg, be a door mat, pressured, etc. Think of anything that I could have possibly done wrong. Chances are that I did them. She still has feelings for me, but to a way lesser extent. She's been feeling horrible though and stressed out enough to not eat. She says she still wants to be with me, but she just really likes that other guy.

 

I really do want to get back with her. I want to try everything possible, and if after nothing works, then I will gladly move on. Overall, she feels like it's entirely her fault, not mine. She thought we had different goals, but now she sees that we don't. She definitely feels guilt, but I know she likes me, so I'm hoping that ultimately she'll eventually get back together with me. I'm going to let her go, tell her I'm giving her time and that I won't be waiting around forever, but leave the door open for another relationship with me. I'm going to go with LC.

 

Sorry if something doesn't make sense. I took a 5-hour break or so in between typing.

Present: I did LC for a week, and NC for a 2nd week. No, I'm definitely not over her, and I don't intend on contacting her for another 2 or 3 weeks. NC helped me reflect a little in terms of rationally thinking whether or not I want her back. I realize now that not only did I stupidly give her an ultimatum and had nothing going for me at the time, but I found some old texts from last month and realized she didn't like me being so angry, and she wanted me to spend more time with her. She seems to be suffering from G.I.G.S. because of me taking things for granted and her not communicating to me well.

 

Basically, I'm already improving myself for the better. I'll admit that it was almost entirely thanks to the break-up, and if we don't reconcile, then I'll be a better person in the end anyway. With that said, I'm 100% willing to move to SK to be with her. It wouldn't hold my life back in any way, and in many ways, it would be a step forward. I'm already going back to school this upcoming fall semester, my driver certificate is in the mail, and I'm already applying for jobs. It'll only get better as the weeks pass. I'll have my license, have a job or two, and be in school when August comes.

 

I love her, and I'm certain that I'll always at least have a soft spot for her, meaning I would never have a problem dating her again. I have the feeling that she might be too afraid to re-initiate contact, and she's misunderstood me in the past before, so she might take this as me not wanting her to talk to me at all.

 

When I'm ready, do I transition to LC? She said she needed some time to think, but still always wanted to talk to me, so I know she'll accept communication with me with open arms. What do I do about this guy? If she's not yet in a relationship with him, do I ease into friendliness with LC, or do I immediately tell her of everything I took the time to think about and offer to visit her? If she's in a relationship with him, do I go LC and be emotionally detached but still be around to talk occasionally, or do I go complete NC with her and let things play out? Like I said, many signs point to G.I.G.S. and a rebound, but they're not things that I completely blame her for, so yes, I've "forgiven" her. "Forgiven" because they're not things that I ever blamed her for, just the lack of communication, which she took the blame for. I never actually openly blamed her for anything lol.

 

We've always been very close, and there were no hard feelings at all after the break-up. I know she genuinely cares for me, but emotions can't be helped. I understand that choices however, have to do with growing and learning.

 

I have a friend who went through a break-up, and he got his ex back by staying in contact (not even LC) to show her that he cared, and to remind her of all of their good memories. This was when there was another guy involved, though she still liked my friend more than the other guy.

 

This is difficult because people have been successful with not even doing NC/LC, and some have had success with NC, while some have had success with LC. I think after reading enotalone, Loveshack, and Relationshiptalk, I'm confused again lol.

Edited June 25, 2012 by ZhaoZilong5

[sheithappens]

Here is the thing man , you can't do anything about the other guy . If anything , you will push them closer together and she will be farther away from you . Read the link I'm pasting here. It's an old thread here on loveshack and It helped me out a few years ago . Good luck on your journey .i hope you think things through.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/84894-guide-second-chances

[KatZee]

She left you.

 

You seem to have this whole "plan" for what you think you should do to get her back, but none of it is going to work. You will push her away, you will solidify the relationship she has going on now with the other guy (She'll have you as the 'friend' and the 'emotional support') and you will wind up friend-zoned.

 

Also, it doesn't matter WHAT you do or WHAT you say, or how long you go NC and then transition to LC... if she doesn't feel it for you and doesn't want to be with you, NOTHING you do is going to make one ounce of difference.

 

The only thing it's going to do is delay your own healing, make you look weak ("he'll still hang around me even though I've shown him I don't even want him!") and she'll lose a lot of respect for you.

 

Let her walk. In the scheme of life, and relationships 1-2 weeks is barely a blip in the radar. 14 days is not enough time to realize if you truly miss someone or not, ESPECIALLY if she's now preoccupied with someone else. The general time span is MONTHS. Think 3 months, but longer for her if she's got her mind on other guys. And you need to be NC for that ENTIRE time.

 

This new thing she's got going on needs to have time to settle, and people start messing up within the first 3-4 months when the honeymoon period starts to fade. If she gets through that with him and hasn't heard from you, she may start to see that, "wow things with my ex really weren't that bad after all..." And she'll start to miss you and wonder if she made a mistake. She can't do ANY of that though if you're checking in every week, or trying to get her back. Believe me, she'll notice what you're doing.

 

Just go away. Continue working on yourself. If she wants you in her life, SHE will come to you.

 

You really can't base your chances on what your friend did either. With my ex, I left him and he did what your friend did. And can I tell you he ANNOYED ME to high holy hell. He kept trying to have contact, he kept trying to remind me of the good, kept trying to be a "friend" and just kept pushing and pushing and all he did was push me right out the door for good.

 

Your ex ASKED FOR SPACE and asked for time to think. That means GO AWAY. She doesn't want to be around you right now or with you right now and you want her to be with you because she WANTS to be, not because she feels sorry for you, feels pressured by you, or guilted by you.

 

Your ex did say she wanted to continue communication--- here's where I'm going to be honest. It's because she wants your emotional support. NOTHING MORE. She feels guilty for hurting you, and as long as you remain in her life, as a friend, forgiving her, and just picking up whatever scraps she throws at you, her guilt becomes less and less. She'll eventually start talking to you less and less, and once the guilt is completely gone, she'll go away for good. She's just trying to slowly wean herself off of you and the connection you guys had. She's being completely selfish trying to go from girlfriend to friend, without any regard for you.

 

Sorry, but a friendship is a huge NO here. You do NOT want to be her friend.

Edited June 25, 2012 by KatZee