SpiralOut Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 I had an experience earlier this year that still puzzles me. I briefly dated someone I had known for a few years. We first met in person, ended up as FB friends through mutual aquaintances, and kept in touch. We went on one date that never went further; he cancelled at the last minute for our second date, I lost my patience and went out with someone else who became my bf for two years. Once me and the bf broke up, he happened to break up with his gf around the same time and asked me to hang out. He asked me a few times, I kept saying no as I wasn't ready to do that. Eventually it gets to a point where I decide to give it a chance. It was really odd. I felt like he was putting on a nice-guy facade. He had no problem talking about himself but when I tried to connect with him by adding my own "me too" stories he showed very little interest in hearing what I had to say. Which seemed odd, since he had pursued me for a while. And we hadn't talked that much online, so he didn't actually know me that well. But the weird thing is that same night, I asked him what I was looking for. I had told him ahead of time I didn't want a boyfriend, and he said he didn't want anything either. This is because I was rebounding and wanted someone who was also rebounding so we wouldn't hurt each other. Anyway, I asked him again just to make sure we were still on the same page, because I was getting the vibe he didn't really mean what he told me. He had bought me dinner and stuff like that. He told me he wanted to be my man. I told him I still did not want a boyfriend. It surprised me that he said that, as he wasn't showing much interest in getting to know me. He was talking a fair bit about his ex-girlfriend, but didn't ask me any questions at all about my ex. There was this bizarre feeling of disconnection. It ended a couple weeks later. We ended up fighting; he was angry wiht me for not wanting a boyfriend. I was angry that he didn't respect my decision. It doesn't seem fair to try and make me change my mind; I went out of my way to not mislead him. I told him straight up that I was not over my ex, that I was confused, that I could not give him what he was looking for. Instead of respecting and understanding that, he just told me over and over that I needed to get over my ex and give him a chance. That confused me because if he wants me to get over my ex so badly, wouldn't it have been a good idea for him to help me get over it by talking to me about it? I felt like he just wanted me for who he thinks I am and doesn't care about what I am feeling inside or what I am thinking. I told him that. He didn't respond to it. Just more insults hurled at me. He also refused to admit to insulting me. He claimed that he wasn't angry at all and that he was simply expressing his feelings and very sincerely with all his heart hopes that I deal with my issues so I don't end up alone with cats. He is extremely passive-aggressive and absolutely refuses to own his feelings of anger. I am just trying to figure out why on earth anyone would act that way. Why would someone want me as his girlfriend even though he doesn't care about my feelings? I can understand a guy just wanted me for sex, but he didn't want that from me he wanted an actual relationship. What are your thoughts?
mortensorchid Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 THis is one of those "grasping at straws" moments. Both of you had just ended something with others, somewhat rebounded to one another, then found out that it was a bad idea for some reason. Move on.
Author SpiralOut Posted June 25, 2012 Author Posted June 25, 2012 (edited) I have moved on. I just like to analyze things that happen so I can learn something from it and not make the same mistakes next time. Are you saying he wasn't over his ex, but he wanted so badly to get over her that he was just trying to make a relationship happen with me even though he didn't care too much about getting to know me? I guess that makes sense. He kept claiming to be over her, even though he clearly wasn't. But he didn't seem capable of connecting with me on even a friendship level since he wasn't listening to anything I had to say. I guess it's just odd to me, since even though I was rebounding I was still able to clearly understand and express my feelings while he was just in complete denial of his own. I was also fully aware of the fact that I was rebounding and trying to deal with it in a practical way, while he seemed to seriously think he was ready for a relationship. It really irritated me at the time, but now that I write it out it makes more sense. I'm still trying to figure out why it bothered me so much. I feel like I am supposed to be learning some sort of lesson from this. ETA: Actually you know what, I think I know what my mistake was. I took what he said at face value. Whenever he said something, I took it literally without thinking that perhaps he may have meant something else. Sometimes I forget that not everybody says what they really mean. I became angry because he wasn't saying what he was really truly feeling, wanting, thinking. And I don't think that's something he even did on purpose. He's just one of those people who has trouble being totally upfront. Sorry for my rambling. Edited June 25, 2012 by SpiralOut
Quest4_TheLost Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 I think we were dating the same guy lol.. I dealt with the same thing kind of he would make comments about being my bf.. But there was this HUGE disconnection. I couldn't place my finger on why. Before meeting we talked all the time ont he phone txting. We got into a fight and then he got all distant. We went on for a bit.. It was really confusing!! He wouldn't even ask how my day was just random txts. This guy also just got out of a relationship about 5 months prior with someone he was with for 8 yrs.. So my thoughts are that they are prob yes still hung up on there exs. Maybe they don't even notice they're disconnected in that way. There heads are to busy thinking of there exs but they are still to hurt to get attached to someone new and yet don't want to be alone.. I in the future will not date a guy just out of relationship.. Which again really limits the dating pool.. lol
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