MissBee Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 (edited) I was watching an interview with a polygamous family, from the show Sister Wives on TLC. There is one man, one legal wife, and 4 other women "married" to him (but in a religious, not legal sense). Each wife has her own home, but they live in a cul de sac, so that it is easier for the husband to divide his time between them. The wives are not romantically/sexually involved with each other, just him, and they are sister wives, as they cooperate with each other and share in the raising of the kids. OW...would you ever consider this? If your MM tells you after a while that he loves his wife, he just loves you as well, and has spoken with his wife and she is okay with him taking another woman on board . Would you agree to be in this kind of relationship, where it is out in the open, the wife knows and agrees, you both still share him, but now things may be easier as it is not a secret, there won't be a dday, but it would be worked as an alternative lifestyle. Would you, if you love your MM and want him in your life do this, why or why not? Alternatively, if you didn't want the sister wives scenario in that sense of working together, would you agree to continue being MM's gf, if he told his wife and she agreed that it was alright for him to have a girlfriend outside of the M? Edited June 25, 2012 by MissBee
yeah Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 F No to both questions. I actually watch the show regularly too and I would rather be alone. I have trouble dealing with 5 people at one time in any setting, let alone that one! (not to mention the 14 SW's kids!). They seem happy and healthier than a lot of monogamous couples, but I know it just wouldn't be for me.
Author MissBee Posted June 25, 2012 Author Posted June 25, 2012 F No to both questions. I actually watch the show regularly too and I would rather be alone. I have trouble dealing with 5 people at one time in any setting, let alone that one! (not to mention the 14 SW's kids!). They seem happy and healthier than a lot of monogamous couples, but I know it just wouldn't be for me. Not sure about your story, are you an OW? I didn't mean if you had to have 5 other women...I meant specifically if you're the OW and your MM decides he is going to tell his wife, the wife agrees, then you both openly share him. So just you, him and his wife (which is essentially the same thing in many As, except now it's not a secret)...not you, him and 5 more people necessarily.
Author MissBee Posted June 25, 2012 Author Posted June 25, 2012 I hate that show... Well the question isn't about what you think of the show... The show is just what made me think of the question/that scenario as an option.
Ducky23 Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 That actually was, at one point, a realistic option in my situation, except it would be so that I would have to be 'involved' with her as well. I decided I'd rather not because it was hard enough to watch them together as an OW, let alone have to see it AND be 'romantically(?)' involved with it out in the open? No thanks. I was happy with just me and MM and knowing that he occasionally had sex with her to shut her up so we could slip off most nights together.
yeah Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 (edited) And yes my answer would still be no. I was an OW for 5 months, too much torture outweighing the bliss for me. During the time I was with my xMM he kept trying to justify the fact that he was in fact "leaving his wife" by reiterating the fact that she "already knows about me". I never met her in person, and whether it was true or not that she "knew about me", I couldn't emotionally deal with sharing someone ever again I was so emotionally wrapped up in, whether the wife knows or not doesn't make it seem any less upsetting. I would never have allowed an Open Relationship during the times I was involved in committed relationships, so it would basically be along the same lines. I never cheated on anyone before personally (although I was an OW just once- and never again) because, not only would I feel a ton of guilt, but I always felt if I wanted to be with someone else, I would prefer to give myself completely to that person and break it off with my current relationship, so I'd expect the same in return. As far as I'm concerned her "knowing about me", was his grain of truth meaning that he could have just told her I'm some loser at work he could care less about. With all the derogatory things he said about his wife, the mother of his children, you'd have to be a fool to not realize they talk s*** about the OW too. Part of the reason it helped me to finally break free of the burden I was allowing myself was because I stepped outside my own situation and was like "Wow this a**h* really thinks he has it made, his ego must be through the roof." Which is oddly, the same feeling I have towards Cody on Sister Wives! I wouldn't continue to allow MYself to inflate his head anymore. And it hurt like h*ll, it was months of mental torture and wondering if I made the right choice and worrying I let something good slip by, but it had to be done. And now, 18 months later, I realize with confidence that I made one of the best decisions I ever made, and I'm finally ready to date again. P.S. Advice to others: I am really glad I stayed single while I got over him, knowing myself, I don't think I would have fully healed if I jumped into something else. It also helps a ton to have a support system. My few close friends I told were supportive but no one more as bluntly honest as wise old Mom!! I told my Mom fully knowing she would disapprove and turn me off of the idea of him and any hope I had that it would eventually go somewhere. Edited June 25, 2012 by yeah
denise_xo Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 I am not an OW, but I have told my H that I am open to him taking a second wife. I would not want much to do with her or any hypothetical children, though. My H, on the other hand, can't stand the idea, so it's not an arrangement that would ever see the light of day. 1
frozensprouts Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 if having a a bunch of several wives ( or husbands..lets be fair here:laugh:) is what turns someone's crank, so be it. I wouldn't want that, but that's just me. as long as all the participants are in the plural marraige fully and freely, with a full and absolute knowledge of what's going on, go for it. Sometimes I wonder if the participants are really happy, but maybe they are...I don't know. Does the fact that these types of marriages exist mean that the more conventional marriage of two spouses with no place for the other man/woman is somehow not as good? i don't think so, but perhaps my opinion would be different if I were the other man/woman or wayward spouse. How many of them would be willing to actively "share" their affair partner in an open relationship where all the parties ( including the affair partners spouse) know exactly what they are involved in is perhaps open to debate. Would potential other men /women get involved with a married person if they knew, right from the start, that there was 0 possibility of the married person ever divorcing to be exclusively with them? Again, taht's open to debate. When you think about it though, perhaps the very fact that affairs, rampant as they may be, require secrecy in order to thrive is very telling. If monogamy wasn't natural for some of us, there wouldn't need to be affairs, all relationships could be open. The very fact that some people will not be okay with their spouse/partner cheating on them would indicate, to me at least, that for an awful lot of people out there, monogamy and marriage is what's right for them. The same is true for the fcat that many other men/women hope that some day, the married person will end their marriage because they see that it is not right for them, but they will want to marry their other man/woman instead.There's many threads on here about that. The very fact that many people who come from cultures where having more than one spouse (or having mistresses or another man-btw...what is the male version of a mistress? ) choose not to do so, and some of those in that type of relationship are very unhappy, speaks to the fact that monogamous relationship are what"s "natural" for them...these people, due to cultural expectations, are forced into relationships they don't like...this type of "sister wives" relationship seems so wrong 1
beenburned Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 For the OW who said "NO" they would not consider that situation because they didn't like sharing the MM: You agreed to be in an affair with a MM. You are sharing him with his wife. If you don't like sharing, why pick a MM instead of a single guy? 2
frozensprouts Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 question: is the man in this scenario able to "date" without the knowledge of the sister wives, or does he need to discuss this first with them? how is a new wife brought into the equation? If the sister wives do not like his choice of a new wife, are they allowed to "veto' his choice, and the new wife will not be invited into the relationship? what is the hierarchy among the sister wives? Is it possible for him to "cheat"on the sister wives? If he does meet a new woman and wants to date her, does he tell the new woman up front about his lifestyle choice?
Stellar Wench Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 For the OW who said "NO" they would not consider that situation because they didn't like sharing the MM: You agreed to be in an affair with a MM. You are sharing him with his wife. If you don't like sharing, why pick a MM instead of a single guy?That is just one parallel. The women in that show seem to have very low sense of self and low self esteem, which is probably why they don't think they can do better than sharing a husband. Let's be blatantly honest. The only way the fat one would be able to get a handsome man like that is by sharing with someone else. 1
frozensprouts Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 question: is the man in this scenario able to "date" without the knowledge of the sister wives, or does he need to discuss this first with them? how is a new wife brought into the equation? If the sister wives do not like his choice of a new wife, are they allowed to "veto' his choice, and the new wife will not be invited into the relationship? what is the hierarchy among the sister wives? Is it possible for him to "cheat"on the sister wives? If he does meet a new woman and wants to date her, does he tell the new woman up front about his lifestyle choice? an even more important question...who is the "lucky" one who gets to wash his dirty socks and underwear...or do they take turns? ( each gets "underwear/sock duty for a week each month) 2
shayla Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 . Let's be blatantly honest. The only way the fat one would be able to get a handsome man like that is by sharing with someone else. I beg to differ. I've seen some awfully big women with some fine men. Opinions and preferences vary. Oh, and I'm no petite flower either but my man looks damn good too! 4
mercy Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Sister Wives, it's a beautiful sentiment on the surface. I would love the kinship, I'd love the closeness, the many children, there is so much of it I would love. But at night, in my bed alone, I'd cry my eyes out at the thought of my man touching another. Something within me would break.
mercy Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 The only way the fat one would be able to get a handsome man like that is by sharing with someone else. bwhahahahaha I tried so hard not to laugh at that, you wicked woman you! Janelle is the brains of that operation! Simply adore her!
freestyle Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 I have to wonder how many OW would lose interest, if everything was out in the open. From what I understand ---a big factor in fueling a lot of affairs is the excitement of sneaking around---and for some OW (not all) it's about competing with, and besting another woman. 3
Stellar Wench Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 I beg to differ. I've seen some awfully big women with some fine men. Opinions and preferences vary. Oh, and I'm no petite flower either but my man looks damn good too!Had this man been single and not looking for another brood mare, I doubt he would have chosen this woman as a dating prospect. Same with married men. If MM were single, the majority would not have dated their OW. 1
Author MissBee Posted June 25, 2012 Author Posted June 25, 2012 question: is the man in this scenario able to "date" without the knowledge of the sister wives, or does he need to discuss this first with them? how is a new wife brought into the equation? If the sister wives do not like his choice of a new wife, are they allowed to "veto' his choice, and the new wife will not be invited into the relationship? what is the hierarchy among the sister wives? Is it possible for him to "cheat"on the sister wives? If he does meet a new woman and wants to date her, does he tell the new woman up front about his lifestyle choice? He cannot court a new woman without the consent of the other women. When the wives and he were discussing it, basically, they talk like "we were engaged", "we fell inlove with so and so"...where the process of him gaining a new wife is not just about his romantic fancy, but it is also an addition to their family, after all they are "sister wives"....so it's not something he does without their consent. The person has to fit with his family too and what they have already set up. He can cheat, if he were to date/sleep with someone else outside of the arrangement.
Author MissBee Posted June 25, 2012 Author Posted June 25, 2012 I said yes. But not sharing today. They are no more than roommates. Or do you consider it sharing a boyfriend/lover/fiance with his roommate too? Trinity, come on.... A roommate who is your wife, whom you're married to, whom everyone thinks you're married to is an entire different kettle of fish than if your man has some guy as his roommate or even some random chick. If they are just roommates, they can get a divorce or separation IMO....if they don't want to do that and if they A is still a secret as they have a "roommate wife" it is a lot more suspicious. I foolishly dated a guy for a few who lived with his ex.....it was very weird, as I could never go to his house, because they had agreed they'd not bring people to their house, I couldn't help but wonder what REALLY goes on when he goes home to his ex girlfriend roommate, esp since some of the time I was away at school. It was all very weird and still felt like sharing...as because they had a house together and responsibilities together, she always had to call him for stuff and just the whole thing was weird and I ended it. So I imagine a man with a wife...who doesn't know he dates other people and has a girlfriend, could be up to anything and the sharing may be even more apparent or uncomfortable to most people. Aside from that fiasco, I've never dated a guy whose roommate was a woman.
frozensprouts Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 He cannot court a new woman without the consent of the other women. When the wives and he were discussing it, basically, they talk like "we were engaged", "we fell inlove with so and so"...where the process of him gaining a new wife is not just about his romantic fancy, but it is also an addition to their family, after all they are "sister wives"....so it's not something he does without their consent. The person has to fit with his family too and what they have already set up. He can cheat, if he were to date/sleep with someone else outside of the arrangement. I haven't actually seen the show, so thanks for answering
skywriter Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 As an exOW, I didn't share well so I doubt I'd feel any different in a polygamous arrangement. As for the Sister Wives show, I say, to each his own. From what I understand, this is part of their religious beliefs and so who am I to judge them for their belief or choice of lifestyle. I find it very insulting to judge people based on their beliefs or looks. Immature actually. 1
frozensprouts Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Trinity, come on.... A roommate who is your wife, whom you're married to, whom everyone thinks you're married to is an entire different kettle of fish than if your man has some guy as his roommate or even some random chick. If they are just roommates, they can get a divorce or separation IMO....if they don't want to do that and if they A is still a secret as they have a "roommate wife" it is a lot more suspicious. I foolishly dated a guy for a few who lived with his ex.....it was very weird, as I could never go to his house, because they had agreed they'd not bring people to their house, I couldn't help but wonder what REALLY goes on when he goes home to his ex girlfriend roommate, esp since some of the time I was away at school. It was all very weird and still felt like sharing...as because they had a house together and responsibilities together, she always had to call him for stuff and just the whole thing was weird and I ended it. So I imagine a man with a wife...who doesn't know he dates other people and has a girlfriend, could be up to anything and the sharing may be even more apparent or uncomfortable to most people. Aside from that fiasco, I've never dated a guy whose roommate was a woman. if the only thing that makes a husband/wife "roommates' is that they don't have sex, then that is a very narrow view of relationships. There is a whole lot more to being a husband and wife than having sex. A husband and wife share many "intimacies" that range all the way from raising children together, to budgeting, paying bills, planning for retirement, planning vacations, cooking and eating meals together, having inside jokes, even washing each others dirty laundry:laugh:... the very fact that a wife/husband doesn't suspect cheating would suggest that they really do share a lot more intimacy than what many affair other men/women would care to believe 2
Author MissBee Posted June 25, 2012 Author Posted June 25, 2012 (edited) In the context of when I was the OW...I wouldn't have agreed to it. I shared him grudgingly and a large part of why I even got caught up in the A was because the logistics of my scenario made it possible to feel like I wasn't sharing sometimes. Some A cases it is blatantly obvious you are sharing, in mine, it was still an issue, but it wasn't as apparent, and I liked anything that downplayed the sharing aspect, as it soothed me. But jealousy would still rear its ugly head every time something penetrated the illusion, where he'd have to go somewhere with her, do something for her, said certain things that made me realize he had a whole life with someone else, with memories, probably private jokes, arguments, good sex etc. like we had too. That wasn't just reserved for me. Our relationships with him may have been different...as it is, even with people you dated in the past, but the fact was that he still had a relationship with someone else and gave and did things for them as he did with me and I wasn't the only one privy to certain things, and it also made me question, are we both getting the same man and the same thing, is she getting more, am I getting more? All kinds of questions would arise. In my A I didn't expect him to leave but it didn't stop me from wanting him all to myself, so the sharing in general upset me. If somehow he had proposed this to me and said she was A-ok with it, I honestly don't know how I'd react. Maybe I'd have given it a whirl back then? I may have....but I think eventually it would have taken its toll. As if we were sister girlfriends then he'd feel more free to talk to me about her and their life, which would be good on one hand, but I would feel so much jealousy and resentment probably....and I can't imagine bringing her into my life, talkign to her etc. as we share a man. It would have been too much. We were sharing, but I think the illusion and pretense that we weren't, that the A constructs, which makes it seem like 2 "parallel but separate" entities, is what kept it alive. I think if it came down to an open agreement to share...I could not. I have a friend who has been in an A for 4 years now, where he is no closer to leaving now than he ever was, who she is getting older and wants marriage and kids and her MM just keeps making excuses....she told me that she even suggested to him she'd be his second wife Now...I feel bad for my friend, because it's not as if this man is a polygamist or that HE suggested it to her. Because she isn't getting what she needs, she's bargaining and realizing he will never leave, she is now saying, oh well she will be his second wife. I don' t know how she proposes that work, since his wife doesn't know about her and I'm sure she'd not agree....unless she wants him to be a bigamist. I do hope she wakes up....as this second wife thing is something SHE is dreaming up, that would never work, he isn't the one desperate to marry her and have a second wife, he is not a polygamist etc, and neither is his wife, so I have no clue why she thinks this is an option. I hope for her sake she wakes up. Edited June 25, 2012 by MissBee
skywriter Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Miss Bee, I think you might consider inviting your friend to check out this site.
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