chez89 Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 My bf and I have been together for 10 months and have been living together for about 7 of those months. We are very in love but I am worried about him cheating on me and just being disloyal. He cheated on his ex of 7 years before we started dating and he cheated with a girl he met at a work function (she was a client so they had been flirting over texts for a while before he cheated). He has also had a past with me of omitting things about him and that have happened thus I feel I can't trust him fully. He is away now on a business trip with his new job with a co-worker that I have not met and he is not really friends with. As far as I know they haven't gone out after work or for lunches together at work. But tonight, the first night of the trip he told me that when they checked into their hotel he asked her to have dinner with him in the hotel restaurant and she accepted. He knew I was really nervous and worried about him going away with her and he was easing my mind that she was anti-social and only stays in her hotel room on trips with other co-workers. I also hear she was interested in going to a gun range with him during the trip. If this girl never talks to people or hangs out with anyone then why is she going to dinner with my boyfriend and wanting to hang out all of a sudden? And why would he ask her to dinner when he knew how I felt and told me they wouldnt hang out together on the trip? Am I overreacting to this or should I be concerned?
Radu Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Well tbh, you know better. I think you give guys too much credit, we many times don't think in terms of social implications of what we do. So my guess is that in his mind, he is innocent, he hasn't done anything wrong. However, considering his history, and the fact that she wanted to do a male thing with him [trust me ... women who know/show interest in something mechanical that we like is a big big big plus to us], would worry me quite a lot. I was burned a few times as well like this [gf got involved with someone else], i personally prefer to trust but verify and if needed give them just enough rope to hang themselves with. Why did you guys move in so fast ?
CC12 Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 And why would he ask her to dinner when he knew how I felt and told me they wouldnt hang out together on the trip? Am I overreacting to this or should I be concerned? If he told you they wouldn't hang out together, then this is the only part you can reasonably be concerned about because he isn't keeping to his word. His prior behavior of lying by omission and cheating aside, it's kind of unrealistic to expect him to not be social at work functions. In many lines of work, being anti-social with coworkers can be a detriment to one's career. It's not unheard of or inappropriate to have meals with coworkers, especially during a work trip. So I think you're being a little controlling and/or overly paranoid about it. Trust in a relationship is very important. If you trusted him, you wouldn't be sitting at home wringing your hands like you are now. Wouldn't it be nice to be secure with the idea that no matter where your boyfriend is or what he's doing, you know he won't cheat on you? Maybe you should reconsider being in a relationship with a person you don't trust.
Leigh 87 Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 I would believe my boyfriend - because he is very honest with me, and has no history of cheating. He is known as a great guy along his friends. I your situation, however - I would be a little worried. People with a history of cheating almost always re offend - UNLESS they get therapy or counselling, to try to be accountable for their actions. Trying to change with the help of a professional is a sign of commitment to change. If she is shy, yet picks you bf out to go out to dinner with - tell him it is strange, and your not comfortable with it. I would feel strange if my bf wanted to grab dinner with a girl he said was shy - yet wanted to associate with him, while not mingling with others. That said - my boyfriend is really friendly and likes people - he is very social, and loves to meet new people, and he is the type on a trip, to try to include quiter members of the team. What he WOULD do, should he want to take a sh girl out to dinner, was: - MAKE SURE he was not attracted to her. Because he wants to safeguard OUR relationship, he would absolutely not mingle with people who he felt he could develop feelings for. - my boyfriend would say " Leigh, I want to take this quieter girl out to dinner, to eat dinner with a new person and just talk to new people... I love you though babe, I have no attraction to her. .............He would not have an attraction to her, because he would not go out to dinner with a highly attractive girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He would ensure she was nothing too special look wise, and that she was not really captivating or remarkable to him.
veggirl Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 I think its pretty inappropriate to be asking a female coworker out to dinner one on one, esp given his past. Sorry but that is how these things start. And I am also curious as to why you would move in with a man after only 3 mos of dating, you barely know one another at that point and now look at your situation--if he is cheating you are already freakin living together, hope you kept your old place or have the means to go somewhere else just in case.
an6el Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Well it seems like she's flirting with him... but it seems innocent... but I don't know him that well... what does your gut say?
shayla Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Knowing that cheating is in this man's past will keep you from trusting him. Because he is out of town, no matter what he said to you, he is going to do what he wants anyway. All you can do is keep your own peace of mind, trust him until you don't trust him. Otherwise you will be spending all your time playing the home version of CSI.
Author chez89 Posted June 25, 2012 Author Posted June 25, 2012 Well tbh, you know better. I think you give guys too much credit, we many times don't think in terms of social implications of what we do. So my guess is that in his mind, he is innocent, he hasn't done anything wrong. However, considering his history, and the fact that she wanted to do a male thing with him [trust me ... women who know/show interest in something mechanical that we like is a big big big plus to us], would worry me quite a lot. I was burned a few times as well like this [gf got involved with someone else], i personally prefer to trust but verify and if needed give them just enough rope to hang themselves with. Why did you guys move in so fast ? Thank you for the response. It helps a lot. I should be more understanding that as a guy he just wouldn't see the implications of his actions. He has no attraction to her, he told me before that shes about 10 years older than him and not attractive. I know he is satisfied with our relationship but my main problem is that he was dishonest with me when he said they wouldn't be hanging out aside from business functions. He basically disregarded my feelings when he asked her to go for dinner. If he had messaged me beforehand or told me it was a possibility because it would make him feel better about being away from home then I would have felt more comfortable with the idea. I guess I can be glad that he told me but that was after I had to ask him when he said he went for dinner if he was alone or not. I shouldn't have to ask those details, he should have been upfront about it. We moved in kind of fast because our relationship was so good in the beginning we wanted to spend all of our time together. I was at his place every night and if I wasnt, he was visiting mine. I had just come home from living in Japan so I was living with my dad for a bit and although I couldn't wait to get out from his roof I also made sure that wasn't the reason I was going to move in with my bf. It made financial sense as well but I have made sure I have a place at my dads to go to if anything happens here and I have money in the bank to get my own place. I have no problem leaving because I've learned from other relationships i've seen to be careful and always protect myself. That may be why this situation is getting to me so much. I know he hasn't cheated and he hates himself for what he did to his ex so I dont feel I can blame him for the cheating but it is a mark on his history. I guess I am more upset at the communication breakdown with us. I make him well aware of anything I do with friends and where I`ll be and who will be there and I dont get the same details from him.
Author chez89 Posted June 25, 2012 Author Posted June 25, 2012 Well it seems like she's flirting with him... but it seems innocent... but I don't know him that well... what does your gut say? I think that is my main problem. He couldn't stop saying how anti-social she is in the office and how she doesn't go anywhere with people. His co-worker (another girl) had gone on a business trip with her and said she never left her hotel room so they didnt do anything together. Now she accepts dinners and wants to go to a shooting range? My gut tells me she would go for him in a second if he gave her the chance. And being nice is giving her the opening she needs. It just leaves this grey area for something to happen, I don't think he wants her I'm just worried she will get the wrong impression for him. He's a handsome guy and she's (from what I hear) not very attractive.
Author chez89 Posted June 25, 2012 Author Posted June 25, 2012 Knowing that cheating is in this man's past will keep you from trusting him. Because he is out of town, no matter what he said to you, he is going to do what he wants anyway. All you can do is keep your own peace of mind, trust him until you don't trust him. Otherwise you will be spending all your time playing the home version of CSI. Haha very true... he checked my facebook one time cause it was logged in even though he had no reason not to trust me. But I have found myself looking at his emails!!! It's so bad! It makes me very worried that maybe we will never have the trust we need to. I do not want to be a detective on my boyfriend.
veggirl Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 I should be more understanding that as a guy he just wouldn't see the implications of his actions. Really? So being a man means he is stupid? Cmon. Having a penis is not a free pass to be "naive"--no grown man doesn't understand the implications of his actions, so stop with that justifying. my main problem is that he was dishonest with me when he said they wouldn't be hanging out aside from business functions. He basically disregarded my feelings when he asked her to go for dinner. If he had messaged me beforehand or told me it was a possibility because it would make him feel better about being away from home then I would have felt more comfortable with the idea. I guess I can be glad that he told me but that was after I had to ask him when he said he went for dinner if he was alone or not. I shouldn't have to ask those details, he should have been upfront about it. He put her ahead of you. I guess I am more upset at the communication breakdown with us. I make him well aware of anything I do with friends and where I`ll be and who will be there and I dont get the same details from him. What would he do if you didn't provide him those details? I think that is my main problem. He couldn't stop saying how anti-social she is in the office and how she doesn't go anywhere with people. His co-worker (another girl) had gone on a business trip with her and said she never left her hotel room so they didnt do anything together. Now she accepts dinners and wants to go to a shooting range? My gut tells me she would go for him in a second if he gave her the chance. And being nice is giving her the opening she needs. It just leaves this grey area for something to happen, I don't think he wants her I'm just worried she will get the wrong impression for him. He's a handsome guy and she's (from what I hear) not very attractive. Be very wary of a man who goes on about the faults or unattractiveness of another woman but spends free time with her anyway. Red flag. And if he is giving off signals that give the wrong impression, he is disrespecting your relationship so I'd watch for that. Haha very true... he checked my facebook one time cause it was logged in even though he had no reason not to trust me. But I have found myself looking at his emails!!! It's so bad! It makes me very worried that maybe we will never have the trust we need to. I do not want to be a detective on my boyfriend. Well the trust is already gone. You shouldn't have moved in with a man you barely even knew. You are in a bad situation now, the rose colored glasses are off, the honeymoon is over. In the future don't make this huge steps until that time has already passed, seriously. You will be a lot better off. You are in too deep to step back and assess clearly and even if something happens or you see more red flags / signs you will make excuses and let it be because you are in so far (living together). I am sorry to be so negative but I would be careful. Esp the thing about him talking negatively about her but spending his free time with her anyway...huge red flag.
Author chez89 Posted June 25, 2012 Author Posted June 25, 2012 Thanks veggirl. I know I got myself in deep by moving in and I knew it while it was happening. Many people get themselves into these situations and I knew I was running a risk. He still talks about marrying me and wants to do it soon, he's 30 in July and I`ll be 23 in November. I know its too early for me to start thinking of marriage and especially with the recent events with me not trusting him and him not being forefront and honest with me really makes me second guess our relationship nevermind marriage. I will have to have a big talk with him when he gets home from his trip. You're right about letting him get away with it because "guys dont see implications" there is some truth to that but communication is VERY key in a relationship and he knows that. We have already had talks about this with other women hes been friends with and for some reason this stuff keeps happening. Obviously he isn't listening to me or putting my feelings first. He would go nuts if I went to dinner with a guy he didnt know and didnt tell him until after the fact. Especially if he had to ASK me for details. All I want is some respect and it seems that living with him has made him comfortable and think he can get away with this behaviour.
Author chez89 Posted June 25, 2012 Author Posted June 25, 2012 To top it ALL off, he even told me the woman he cheated on his ex with wasn't very attractive she just showed him attention! I mean how is that not supposed to worry me? The woman does not have to be attractive for him to go for it obviously... she just has to be there.
nofool4u Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Yes you should worry. He is a repeat cheater. But I wouldn't worry about him, I'd just dump his ass if I were you.
Author chez89 Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 Yes you should worry. He is a repeat cheater. But I wouldn't worry about him, I'd just dump his ass if I were you. Sorry, I think I worded it wrong when I said he cheated on his ex. He's only ever cheated once and it was with a client from work. Not that he had repeatedly cheated.
nofool4u Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Sorry, I think I worded it wrong when I said he cheated on his ex. He's only ever cheated once and it was with a client from work. Not that he had repeatedly cheated. Hmm, well for me it wouldn't really matter. I wouldn't want anyone that cheated period.
Author chez89 Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 Hmm, well for me it wouldn't really matter. I wouldn't want anyone that cheated period. Yeah that's precisely the dilemma I'm in now. His ex was pretty abusive toward him and he understands that he should never have cheated and should have just broke it off but thats no excuse. I am struggling because I love the man he is now but I might not be able to move past the man he was before....
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