fergolance Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Sorry about the ambiguous title, I hate naming threads, I always sound dramatic. I have often visited the forum just to read other peoples experiences, trying to gain information by reading about similar situations. Also please forgive the sloppy presentation. Me and my fiance have been together for five years and we have two children. Roughly a year ago she had an emotional affair with another man, she broke up with me for him but within days it didn't 'work out' and after much pleading on my part we got back together. I didn't want to be alone and she was pregnant with my child(Whether he is or isn't my child now is irrelevant, I love him and am sure he is anyway) Since that point I have not been able to trust her, I have tried to forget, forgive and everything else possible to make me still love her the way I did before, but the truth is I am not sure if I still do. That was the third time something like this happened, the first and second time being 'crushes' I suppose, lying , deleting messages, things that I have never really gotten to the bottom of. I suppose what I am asking is, can I still love her like I did? I know I can't leave her because I have tried, she came back from a friends party at 6am the other night and I screamed and shouted that I was going to leave. But to me she didn't even take my threats seriously, she knows I won't leave her, I'm too weak and couldn't stand to be alone or not have my children all the time. (She did get upset and apologise profusely, I don't want her to come off as a heartless witch) There are two main reasons why I still suspect she is having an affair, these are that a few nights ago in bed I noticed a 'new move' she seemed to have acquired, she doesn't watch pornography and was wondering how she had learned it. The other reason is she doesn't act like a mother, she still wants to be a teenager stay out drinking until the early hours of the morning, this is how the original affair happened and I am worried that is what she is doing now... *Sigh* I hope this hasn't came off as a rant with no clear question. I will try and make it clearer as what I want to say does sometimes get muddled up when I write things down. Is it possible she is having another affair? And if not then how do I forgive her for the real one? I imagine many people have similar situations and really feel I need advice. This has been niggling at me for a long time and is making me feel very down.
whichwayisup Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 she came back from a friends party at 6am the other night This has to stop. No more partying and going out all night. It's one thing to go out with friends on her own, have fun etc., but it's totally inappropriate of her to do that all night and even more so since she had an A, left you and then came back as she realized the grass wasn't greener.. She wasn't remorseful then, and she isn't now. Stop making threats that you can't follow through on. Tell her how it's going to be from now on or she can move out (you stay in the house and keep the kids). She MUST do marriage counseling with you and on her own. She must be an open book about her comings and goings, give you passwords to her email, access to her cell phone. Tell her that if she still cheating on you, she's out for good and you'll be talking to a lawyer. Doesn't mean you have to divorce, but you can make her believe that you are going to divorce her, that will scare her, wake her up. She's taking advantage of you, has been for a long time. That has to stop and you can't be afraid of losing her. The way things are now, you have lost her..The woman you married is NOT the woman in front of you now. 2
frozensprouts Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 the two previous posters had some very good advice...please heed it part of your problem seems to be fear of the unknown...of what not being together could mean for you as a dad... my advice would be to contact a lawyer. not because you necessarily want a divorce, but because meeting with one will let you know what your options are and what beig a single dad could mean for you. Once you have the facts, you stop making decisions based on a fear of the unknown and you start making them based upon what's right for your kids and yourself. some people just aren't cut out to be full time parents. this doesn't make them bad, just makes them not so great at parenting. your wife sounds like this. she needs to know that her behavior, eve if there is no cheating, is unacceptable for a mother, and she needs to either "shape up or ship out". See a lawyer for advice first, then have a very serious discussion with her about what behavior you will and will not tolerate from the mother of your children, ad what changes you will need to see and what she will need to do to show you she is serious about you two staying together and her being a full time mom. If she isn't willing to change (or if her changes are not permanent), then you ave some tough decisions ahead...if you get some legal advice, you'll be able to make them from a position of knowledge best of luck, and i hope everything works out well for you:) 1
Radu Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Your kids need to see you enforce boundaries. Do you want your little boy/girl to grow up either having the behaviour of their mother or attracted to that kind of behaviour ? frozenspouts is spot on btw. 1
todreaminblue Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 When kids are involved its hard to just leave and I am sure you have their best welfare in mind.I would go the family counselling route see if she is up for it....the drinking partying thing has to stop on her behalf and a willingness to work things out..Does she have a drinking problem?..You have to let her know that you cant take it anymore and that you wont.... you want it to work and you are willing to work at it she has to step up for you guys to make it......good luck and best wishes ....deb 1
YellowShark Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 (edited) Dude. You have to bail. Ya, I know that totally sucks and is not what you planned for your life but listen to your instincts. She has "gone off the reservation" three times before, parties like she is a single teenager, uses you as a doormat, and you sooooooo don't trust her. And all this negative baggage is eating you up inside. Don't marry her. Leave her. She will destroy you. Hell, she even dumped you for another guy and when that didn't pan out she came back to you. You are her Plan "B," not her Plan "A." she is using you. Edited June 25, 2012 by YellowShark 2
Author fergolance Posted June 25, 2012 Author Posted June 25, 2012 Thanks for all your replies. Firstly we're not married, and to be honest I've never really wanted to marry her, or anyone, I don't see it as a big thing. Also When I was reading a the replies saying that I should leave I really REALLY wanted to reply back and defend her, saying she is not as bad as I have made her out to be, and that most of the time she is really nice.(and she is) But I won't, because I know I shouldn't be defending her. I will try and explain the situation in a little more detail The first time was a message from her friends boyfriend, and was before we had our first child, it said something along the lines of 'But I though you wanted to kiss me'. Of course I got mad but she said it was an awkward moment that he had misinterpreted, I still don't believe her. The second was with a colleague I used to work with, he was married and had children, she invited him over once without me knowing then planned on doing it again, but out of pure luck I accidentally noticed the message and confronted her, she said nothing happened and she just needed a 'friend' because I was being unloving to her. (I was and have tried to improve on this) These things always play on my mind, but as I said, I can't stand the though of leaving her.(or more accurately, being alone) I think I will ask her again to go to some sort of counselling, but I still get the feeling that she knows I won't leave her so what is the point? She said she would go to counselling twice before and never has. Again thank you all for your replies, I appreciate it.
frozensprouts Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 are you living with her? If so, depending upon what country you live in, you may be considered, in the eyes of the law "common law married', especially if you have filed tax returns and listed her as a common law partner in order to get certain tax deductions. This may affect your legal rights and responsibilities. I don't think anyone is saying that your fiance is a bad person, but she is making some very poor and very immature choices. She may be a nice person with a good heart, but as long as that is not showing in the choices she makes, it may not really matter. The fact that she blamed you for her choices ( you say she claimed you weren't 'loving" to her, she she had plans to meet another guy just to "talk") says a lot. She doesn't sound like someone who wants to take responsibility for her choices, and if she is going to make changes in her behavior, she's going to have to accept some responsibility here. Is there any way that you can sit down with her and be very, very firm about what you feel the problems are, how you want things to be , and what you feel needs to happen for things to be that way? Even writing a letter to her about it can be helpful. It's right there in front of her, and she won't be able to sidetrack the conversation. I know you aren't say9ng you want to split up, but I really think seeing a lawyer before you talk to her, if only for your own peace of mind, would be really helpful to you. You'll know where you stand, and that knowledge will give you some power...not to threaten her, but rather just so you know what your rights are. 1
GLDheart Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Fergo, my heart truly breaks for you man. You are placed in one of the worst hells a man can be placed. Disrespected by a woman that does not love you and that you share children with. You are faced with coping with the loss of who you thought she was. You are staring in the face of a new life single, when all you wanted to be was a settled down family man. And WORST OF ALL, the fear of a broken home for your children with fights over holidays, visitation, and child support. Like I said my heart breaks for you. HOWEVER, there also exists a possibilty that you can get through this. It will take brave action. You must ask yourself what you want... to continue like this or to NOT continue this. That is all you need to know. All of those scary other images I painted above do not matter yet and you will find a way to cope with them. Your children will respect a father that forges ahead without a toxic woman in his life... even if that woman is thier mother. Work on being in a healthy relationship someday... One that you can showcase to your children as a better way of life. And who knows, if you head off into that direction maybe your wife will see she is losing the chance to shape up and grow up. Maybe reality will snap her out of it... either way you will head towards a better future.
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