He cheated - says he has commitment phobia and wants to change - is this possible??

[Highness]

I found out on Friday morning that my boyfriend of almost 2 years had slept with someone else (a one night stand with a woman he worked with, about a month ago). I found out because I needed to use his phone to send a message (as mine had no power) and saw the conversation he had with his mate about it when I went to type my own message. The conversation was a short one - essentially he said he regretted it but did it because he was gearing up to leave me and couldn’t handle being in the r'ship anymore.

 

He had spoken to me a few weeks ago about how he was feeling distant in the r'ship and wasn’t sure if it was what he wanted anymore, for various reasons (mainly that he felt emasculated because I earn more than him). This was around the time he slept with her - he was obviously feeling guilty and trying to get me to break up with him first. I wrote a post about this and ultimately thought the issue was being resolved as he was showing more commitment at the time.

 

I confronted him and he broke down and basically said that he had commitment phobia and had been dealing with this issue all his life - that it is why his marriage broke down a couple of years ago and that as soon as he saw things getting serious he started to panic and want to leave. He said this had nothing to do with me and that I was perfect for him in every way and that he was completely in love with me but did not know how to deal with the rising panic that he might be 'stuck' in this r'ship forever. He said he slept with the girl after he'd made the decision to leave but then kept changing his mind. She means nothing to him (I believe this). He had seen therapists in the past but they had not been able to help him with this problem in the long term. He thought when he moved in with me it was all over but for the past few months when things have been quite serious (I lost my job, which was traumatic, and have had difficulty settling into my new one) the fear has come back again and he has to fight the urge every day not to leave. He said that he knows if he leaves me he will be alone for the rest of his life because I am the one for him.

 

I am in absolute shock at the moment, and honestly do not think I have processed the fact that he cheated on me. He is just not the 'type' - he is not a player or a sleazebag (in fact he used to be a pastor). Anyway, this whole commitment phobia thing has also completely thrown me - he is the one who chased me and pushed for us to move in together. I am just shell shocked and absolutely devastated. I cant eat or sleep. I am broken.

 

I wanted to throw him out but he broke down and basically said that he wanted to give this a real shot and would get professional counselling from a psychologist who specialised in this kind of thing. He's made the appointment for next week. He's afraid that she wont be able to help him (like the others) but said he needs to try because he cant lose me.

 

I don’t know what to do. I want to fight for him because I believe he is the one. I am still madly in love with him and can never imagine being with anyone else. But I don’t want to be a fool and fight for a lost cause. I am 31 and don’t want to waste time with someone who ultimately will never truly commit to me.

 

Can commitment phobics be cured if they really want to change? How have others dealt with similar situations? Any advice would be much appreciated - I am completely lost here.

[Leigh 87]

a guy who is truly in love with you, will not cheat.

 

He may very well love you, but being in love is a different thing, I am told.

 

Regardless, my personal belief is; a zero tolerance policy for cheaters.

 

Although it is very hard, and you are both very attached after two years and will badly miss each other - leaving is the best option.

He must love and be very attached to you, to have stayed with you.. Guys only stay that long if they very much fo like their partner, OR, if they do not like their partner that much but cannot do any better. I am hoping yours is the former - that he loves you, but is not IN love with you.

 

Staying with a guy who cheats will never feel the same. It can never feel like a truly happy, healthy relationship again.

 

He realizes he likes staying with the same girl and has realized he enjoys it more than the short thrill of cheating - however, it is thr right girl who will compell him to change.

Or, maybe some cheaters never change, I don't know.

[Highness]

Thanks Leigh.

 

Any other responses? I am losing my mind here. I cant eat or sleep and have lost all motivation. Has anyone else been through something similiar?

 

He says he is in love with me and wants to do everything he can to change but I dont know if I can handle the stress of never knowing if he really will be "all in".

 

Please help.

[Quiet Storm]

Anything is possible, but he has to be really committed to changing. He has to want it for himself, and he doesn't. He only wants to change because he got caught.

 

This man has admitted to being a commitment phobe. He said he has to fight the urge every day to leave (how come he can fight the urge to leave, but not the urge to cheat? Hmmm). When a man tells you who he is- believe him. He is giving you a disclaimer..."I might cheat on you but it's really not my fault because I have issues". When the dust settles and he gets antsy and cheats again, he'll say "I warned you".

 

This man is going to bring you drama and heartache. You may have good times together and feel a connection with him, but you need to think with your head here. If you are 31 and want a family, this man is not for you.

 

What qualities does he have that would be beneficial to you as a long term partner, as a friend, as a husband, as a father? He admits to being weak. He is emasculated by your success. He is immature and believes (or pretends) that his actions are not in his control. If you want a family, think of how these dynamics would affect your future household. You need a man, not a kid.

 

Why do you want this guy again? Your answer will probably be, "because I'm in love with him". Understand that feeling "in love" is often just chemical reactions in your brain. Understand that when women have sex, oxytocin is released that makes you feel "bonded" to your man. You love the way he makes you feel... but do you really love him, as a person? Does he have integrity and a good character? Would you want future children to model his behavior?

 

I don't deny that you have chemistry and click with this guy. But that doesn't mean he is good for you. Once those chemical reactions settle down, you need to have a foundation of caring and trust. You need to both want to be to together, to commit, to grow together.

 

Again, I have to reiterate, when a guy tells you who he is, when he admits what he is capable of-BELIEVE HIM. He could go to counseling (which he admittedly isn't expecting much from) and he could behave for a year and then fall back into his old habits. Rinse and repeat, as he has always done. At 31, you don't have years for him to get his sh*t together. Change is always possible, but with his track record, you will be taking a big risk. He is showing you who he is and what kind of future you will have with him, it's your job to pay attention and look out for your best interests here.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You can't help him. There's is nothing you can do to change this person...anymore than you can walk into a drug addicts life and expect him to miraculously change his personal life struggle and issues because now you are in his presence and some "love" is supposed to trump all and win out, and cure all mental/emotional/psychological issues.

 

You're basically being a fool in this situation. And that's because you're "madly in love with him"...you know whenever I hear a woman say that and then the guy is cheating or doing something else then It just goes to show how obsessive a woman is with this man...not truly in love, because I see that as a two way street. What I mean is If a man isn't emotionally available on that level all you do is create this little fantasy in your head and then like a schizophrenic you believe it like It's the holy grail of truth, as If you found the fountain of youth and you hold up this beacon of hope as If this will change everything.

 

Well when you are done with your head being in the clouds, come back down to reality. This man has an issue that he needs to work on for himself and by himself. There is no you is this equation, because honestly whatever you have developed in this situation has been compartmentalized...he's never given his whole self and he'll make excuses as to why he has not been able not to....however not that he even realizes he is doing this...you see he himself has himself convinced. His mind is locked into a sequence, like a broken record...it institutes fear, panic, sabotage...and he'll continue to do this to you because he won't be able to fight away from the grip of this relationship...instead of him feeling closer to you, your presence, demands, expectations for him to match you love and emotions will only trigger his broken record playing defense mechanism, he doesn't even have the key to shut this down...it doesn't matter how hard he wants it or claims to be, but It's not going to change without a lot of self-work, you're merely a pawn..the grease in his gears that make this whole system work...you enable his behavior...do you see and understand this? without you or some other girl in the equation this cannot continue, make sense? you are the powering mechanism here...you take yourself out of the equation and assuming he does not jump into the arms of someone else and repeat the same process...he won't be able to change because he's not putting himself in an environment that enables that...YOU DON'T SIT AT THE BAR TO GET OVER YOUR ALCOHOLISM.

 

For his issues, he needs that peace of mind..the clarity, that ability to be unemotionally and unable to institute his habits and his psychological patterns. He needs to make this choice If he wants to stop, or just eventually reach a point with some poor girl he continues to to do this with and she puts up with up hoping he would change.

 

Chances are that you're going to stick around...expect him to change because he wants to and with some assistance of counseling....and I don't think it's going to work at all...I think he's going to feel justified in the fact that he has tried but is unable to change because he doesn't want to do what is hardest..and that's really take himself out of his element in the relationship with you..I doubt he'll let you go, not because he's in love with you but because you're in love with him and like most women...are willing to fight for this emotion they believe to be true love.

 

You're going to feel sorry for him, you'll want to coddle him, you'll want to be understanding...you'll want to wait for a deadline for him to change and then all your magical dreams will come true and then eventually this will turn into lack of trust, disappointment, fear, anger...It will break you down eventually and who knows what age you'll be by then before you realize...or ever get the power to move on because the longer you are with someone the stronger you bond just because of time...IT's just normal but now you feel even more justified maybe to stick it through!

 

There are also two important keys as well here...he stated he didn't want to be in a relationship, so he sabotaged it basically. Then he pulled out a really pathetic excuse for leaving you...so even If this guy did have an issue he's bull****ting you to your face. This guy doesn't want to be with you anymore, to me he made that loud and clear and that's the real nail in the coffin even If you really believed he wanted to change and just wasn't ready (which most guys struggle with, not being ready). He feels guilty but he doesn't want to be with you, he's being honest about that....men don't just say that so you'd be ridiculously foolish imo to stay with a man (not that you'd be the first or last) because he flat out told you that you aren't what he's looking for.

 

He's not in love with you, he's just scared of losing you. He wants and needs someone like you, because you'll be a pushover and you'll be the kind of girl that sticks around and goes through this because he knows how you feel for him and he'll use it against you.

 

I know A LOT about this particular subject...an insane amount, you would be very wise to leave this man...he will drag you down and IF you do stay at this point...I blame you, not just him because you've had a chance to see the light, the truck is coming right out you with the headlights on...step out of the way and move on with your life or get ran over and dragged for hundreds of miles...the choice is up to you.

 

Just remember what you're sacrificing out of your life to do so, Is this the kind of love you've always been looking for? Is this what love is to you?

[BetheButterfly]

 

I don’t know what to do. I want to fight for him because I believe he is the one. I am still madly in love with him and can never imagine being with anyone else. But I don’t want to be a fool and fight for a lost cause. I am 31 and don’t want to waste time with someone who ultimately will never truly commit to me.

 

Can commitment phobics be cured if they really want to change? How have others dealt with similar situations? Any advice would be much appreciated - I am completely lost here.

 

I'm sorry.

 

People can change, but it takes a lot of work for many people. He would need a lot of support from you. He would also need help in keeping accountable.

 

I don't know if he will or not. My advice is to seriously evaluate life with him based on all the variables you have in front of you, and life without him. If you truly love him and are willing to risk (and love includes risk) being hurt, then you can see if he will change. If however, you have serious doubts and do not want to take the risk (which is a high risk), that is understandable. Not much help, i know, but it really depends on what you want to do. He is responsible for himself, and some people can indeed change.

[BetheButterfly]

Anything is possible, but he has to be really committed to changing. He has to want it for himself, and he doesn't. He only wants to change because he got caught.

 

This man has admitted to being a commitment phobe. He said he has to fight the urge every day to leave (how come he can fight the urge to leave, but not the urge to cheat? Hmmm). When a man tells you who he is- believe him. He is giving you a disclaimer..."I might cheat on you but it's really not my fault because I have issues". When the dust settles and he gets antsy and cheats again, he'll say "I warned you".

 

This man is going to bring you drama and heartache. You may have good times together and feel a connection with him, but you need to think with your head here. If you are 31 and want a family, this man is not for you.

 

What qualities does he have that would be beneficial to you as a long term partner, as a friend, as a husband, as a father? He admits to being weak. He is emasculated by your success. He is immature and believes (or pretends) that his actions are not in his control. If you want a family, think of how these dynamics would affect your future household. You need a man, not a kid.

 

Why do you want this guy again? Your answer will probably be, "because I'm in love with him". Understand that feeling "in love" is often just chemical reactions in your brain. Understand that when women have sex, oxytocin is released that makes you feel "bonded" to your man. You love the way he makes you feel... but do you really love him, as a person? Does he have integrity and a good character? Would you want future children to model his behavior?

 

I don't deny that you have chemistry and click with this guy. But that doesn't mean he is good for you. Once those chemical reactions settle down, you need to have a foundation of caring and trust. You need to both want to be to together, to commit, to grow together.

 

Again, I have to reiterate, when a guy tells you who he is, when he admits what he is capable of-BELIEVE HIM. He could go to counseling (which he admittedly isn't expecting much from) and he could behave for a year and then fall back into his old habits. Rinse and repeat, as he has always done. At 31, you don't have years for him to get his sh*t together. Change is always possible, but with his track record, you will be taking a big risk. He is showing you who he is and what kind of future you will have with him, it's your job to pay attention and look out for your best interests here.

 

I agree. The risk is very high.

[amymarieca]

I wouldn't say he has a phobia of committment, but a real problem with lying. What he did was completely selfish. The fact that commiting might even scare him is not your problem, but he chooses to turn around and make it your issue as well by hurting your feelings.

 

Do you really want to be married to a guy who hurts you so much because of his own fears?

[mortensorchid]

Boot him out now. A person who cheats is not truly in love with the other person, and they are never going to change. You will find yourself hanging onto him with bloody fingernails trying to get him to change, and he's not going to.

[avon20]

No there is no cure for these guys. He's not the type to commit so let him go.