Ducky23 Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Just a random question/thought popped in to visit me today, and I'm wondering, those of you who have experienced a D-Day, was there ever a time where MM/MW or OW/OM tried to find any way around NC? How did you respond? What was the ultimate outcome?
RickFox Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Let's see, after my xMW found her moral compass again, miraculously after dday, we had some light contact, but before that, she agreed that we'd still see each other after things died down but then quickly decided she didn't know me and acted like I no longer existed. She finally told me to never contact her again and even though I abided by it, a couple times she used our daughter's failing friendship to say something to me. She accused me of stalking her but she kept checking my fb page and texting me about comments I made so rather she would stalk me. I finally started to get on, and in April of this year, I went back to the front of my daughter's school and saw xMW as this was where we first met and where our daughter's would walk out. She continued to not pay attention to me, acting like I was not there which she did in the past and then it bothered me, this time it did not, in fact I just walked in, waited and left with my kid, not looking for her. She started sitting on the bench directly in front of the door so that when I walked in, I'd see her but still she'd force herself to turn away and talk to her friend. No biggie but I discovered two messages sent to me on FB and found them in the 'other' folder. One said "hey" the other said "hi'. Both a week apart. I was taken aback, rather pissed off, here she said to leave her alone, never talk to her again and she is now contacting me? A month later I took the bait, stupidly, and said 'hello'. I got a response from her a day later saying she wanted to know why I was still messaging her and if I had "something to say or...?" I think I took a second to try to figure out a hidden meaning of that response but quickly realized I was not only mad at myself for responding but furious at her response and realized why I was so happy before for not being in contact. I don't consider it a real break of no contact but I should have listened to my gut and left it alone, knowing nothing good would come of it. In the meantime my wife and I have made great strides and things have been going very very well.
Alice2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 (edited) Rick - Why haven't you blocked her from fb? That way she can't look at your page, see any comments you make to mutual friends and/or message you. You've "made great strides?" Would your betrayed spouse agree? Did you tell your wife she contacted you via fb? Does your wife know that she has been looking at your comments on bf? Does your wife know you responded to her via fb? Did you block xMW as soon as you saw the messages? A WS who genuinely desires no contact and genuinely wants to rebuild takes all necessary steps to avoid NC. Ducky - this a perfect example of AP's "doing anything to avoid NC" and intentionally leaving doors open. Edited June 25, 2012 by Alice2012
RickFox Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 (edited) Rick - Why haven't you blocked her from fb? That way she can't look at your page, see any comments you make to mutual friends and/or message you. You've "made great strides?" Would your betrayed spouse agree? Did you tell your wife she contacted you via fb? Does your wife know that she has been looking at your comments on bf? Does your wife know you responded to her via fb? Did you block xMW as soon as you saw the messages? A WS who genuinely desires no contact and genuinely wants to rebuild takes all necessary steps to avoid NC. Ducky - this a perfect example of AP's "doing anything to avoid NC" and intentionally leaving doors open. Oh she's blocked, right after it happened.. See, she was never a FB friend, we have no mutual friends, had no idea she could or would contact me but she did and I discovered it a month after the fact since I rarely go on FB. She was not able to see my 'comments' per se, how do I explain, she somehow had access to my homepage, I guess the link in her phone that she had was still active, so she would comment on my about me or whatever else I had that was visible as for quite a period of time, no matter what I did, my security settings allowed my home page to be visible. Yes I told my wife, as soon as I found the messages, she was advised. I never responded to her via FB, I texted her and yes my wife knows, we discussed it. She's been blocked on my phone as well now. And yes, my wife would agree we've come a long way from where we were before the betrayal and after the betrayal. Not done by a long shot but yes, we've come along quite well. The door was never intentionally left open, and when it was found open it was shut. Edited June 25, 2012 by RickFox
Alice2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 (edited) Yes I told my wife, as soon as I found the messages, she was advised. I never responded to her via FB, I texted her and yes my wife knows, we discussed it. Your wife knows you TEXTED A RESPONSE to her fishing attempt OR she knows the xOW fished via fb? Does your wife know you took the bait via text? I can't imagine she would agree to these "great strides" if she knew you texted her. You breaking no contact with a "hello" back would cause any BS to be devastated and put a major kink in the rebuilding process. In fact, many BS would serve their husbands with divorce papers if they intentionally broke NC like you did. So when you claim you "discussed" this with your wife --- does your wife know you texted the xOW a response to the fb messages? Or is your wife merely under the impression xOW fished via fb and you blocked her with no contact? The door was never intentionally left open, and when it was found open it was shut. But yes it was. had no idea she could or would contact me but she did You already knew from 7-8 months ago that this woman was able to private message and see things via fb - because she told you she she was able to see. Every time she fishes, you take the bait. But like the previous fishing attempt months ago (wherein you ALSO caved and disrespected your forgiving wife by responding and meeting the xOW), it didn't go as you hoped it would. A few months ago when she fished, you declared your love for her, but she brushed you off. This time she fished again and then brushed you off AGAIN when you bit. Not only wasn't she blocked from fb from the last fishing attempt and meet up months ago, but her telephone number wasn't blocked either. Then you got desperate and started going to the front of the school so you could see her instead of avoiding her at all costs. So yes, doors were intentionally left open. P.S. You know she's going to come fishing again - any woman who tells a married classmate's father, "I think you're hot" has some major boundary issues and you obviously crave attention still - based on you taking her latest bait. Edited June 26, 2012 by Alice2012
frozensprouts Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 rickfoxx... you may be able to use your ex other woman's attempts to contact you ( if she still does try) as a way for you and your wife to bond and rebuild trust. If every time this happens, you make sure to tell your wife right away even if it's just a text that says "hi" and you don't respond. She's learning to trust you again, and little things like that can really help. BTW...I'm so glad that you and your wife have been able to work things out. I know it hasn't always been easy for you, but you've worked hard and stuck with it.
Alice2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 I don't consider it a real break of no contact You don't? Really? You texted a response to xOW's fishing attempt. How is that not a break in no contact?
Alice2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 (edited) I know it hasn't always been easy for you, but you've worked hard and stuck with it. The man just said he doesn't think that his text to xOW was a break in NC. I hardly call that working hard or even having ANY sort of grasp on the meaning of no contact, boundaries or respect. Edited June 26, 2012 by Alice2012
RickFox Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Your wife knows you TEXTED A RESPONSE to her fishing attempt OR she knows the xOW fished via fb? Does your wife know you took the bait via text? I can't imagine she would agree to these "great strides" if she knew you texted her. Again, yes, my wife knows both. She in fact wanted to know what if anything xMW had to say and asked me if I'd respond, I told her no and only did after a month from the contact and YES she knows because I told her. Yes she still would agree to the great strides that we make day after day. You breaking no contact with a "hello" back would cause any BS to be devastated and put a major kink in the rebuilding process. In fact, many BS would serve their husbands with divorce papers if they intentionally broke NC like you did. Probably so, but it was done so with knowledge by my wife. So when you claim you "discussed" this with your wife --- does your wife know you texted the xOW a response to the fb messages? Or is your wife merely under the impression xOW fished via fb and you blocked her with no contact? Thought I made it clear with yes, she knows. But yes it was. You already knew from 7-8 months ago that this woman was able to private message and see things via fb - because she told you she she was able to see. No I figured out she was able to see, all she told me was she kept tabs on me. Every time I reset my privacy settings I'd find out she could see the homepage. Every time she fishes, you take the bait. But like the previous fishing attempt months ago (wherein you ALSO caved and disrespected your forgiving wife by responding and meeting the xOW), it didn't go as you hoped it would. It's been more than just a "few" months and by it going not as I 'hoped' it would at the time, I couldn't be happier now. A few months ago when she fished, you declared your love for her, but she brushed you off. This time she fished again and then brushed you off AGAIN when you bit. This time I really didn't care, nor do I anymore. Not only wasn't she blocked from fb from the last fishing attempt and meet up months ago, but her telephone number wasn't blocked either. Really? I've blocked her number several times, in fact, the block expires every 3 months. Then you got desperate and started going to the front of the school so you could see her instead of avoiding her at all costs. So yes, doors were intentionally left open. Uhh, no. Wrong. She was never blocked from FB becaues I didn't have access to her page, nor did I have an email of hers with which to block it. We were NEVER FB friends and the only reason I blocked her this time was because of the link her contacting me left. I went to the front of the school because I was done hiding from her and living my life trying to sneak around her . I went to the front of the school because my wife wanted me to, just as she went to the front to pick up our daughter for her own reasons. So no, doors were NOT intentionally left open. I am there for my daughter and only my daughter. P.S. You know she's going to come fishing again - any woman who tells a married classmate's father, "I think you're hot" has some major boundary issues and you obviously crave attention still - based on you taking her latest bait.[/quote She can fish all she wants, like I said before, I'm done with her, been done with her and the only way she can contact me is by bumping into me in person and there is nothing left to say. We are done with this back and forth, if you want to attempt to chastise me and make assumptions you can do so by PM. Now the thread can go back to others on this topic.
frozensprouts Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 my husband's ex other woman stopped contacting him, and started contacting me instead. I know of two attempts on contact him on her part. One was her emailing him to tell him that they could still see each other, and I'd never know ( he showed me that one), and when he was deployed, she "anonymously" emailed him to tell him I was cheating on him - I wasn't. That really backfired on her, as they were able to trace it back to it's origin ( she sent it over the DWAN, which is the army's wide area network), and she git a a lot of trouble over that.
jayinblue Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Rick: Much love and support. I know its been a rough time for you and I'm still faced with having to avoid my OW as well. Its normal to screw up every once in a while, but I know the load you've been dragging along and I think you're doing a good job. Please don't let others give you too much crap on this board. I value your input. Ducky: I experienced a D-day and have gone the "NC" road. Unfortunately, I cannot totally escape my ex-ow as she lives in my neighborhood. It has been a constant challenge, but once you make the NC decision, its really on you to stick to it. She's tried e-mailing me a few times, tried texting a few times, and even though she has a boyfriend and has supposedly moved on, still finds ways to try to reach out and communicate. Honestly, its a tough path to walk, but all you can do is try to keep your head on and keep moving forward. Its also greatly a situation where you have to order your "logical" side to rule over your emotional one. So far, I have been a black hole of communication - which is really what it means to go NC. Basically communications can come in (indeed, you can't stop every one of those) but nothing goes back out. The biggest battles I have found are those you wage with yourself. I have found that there are good days and bad days in this regard, sometimes you get a communication, and its nothing to delete it and move on, and sometimes you get one and its a real challenge to let it go. The trick is to have good friends to lean on who can keep you accountable, and keep a logical analogy (ie the "black hole") to give you a steering point for your logical mind when your emotional compass gets screwed up.
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