I'm growing up, H isn't...When is it ok to let go and move one?

[Growing Up]

History: married almost 18 years. Two adult children (my step children that weve raised) very dependent on us. 1 dependent child who is more responsible then adult siblings. H was an alcholic I was an enabler. Set boundaries yet handled the consequences all wrong as the behaviors would stop only to return once the air was clear.

 

My marriage has been like this up until recently when I had to grow up. I had to start looking at how I had all these Boundaries yet I had no idea what it meant to get them to be respected. I let myself be manipulated and emotionally abused for way to long until after a year of IC, and a switch in counselors did I finally see my contribution to such an unhealthy relationship. So with The new IC, I was able to focus on me and my issues. How I handled things was my normal, it's what I learned growing up, it's what I looked for in my relationships, it's what I got.

 

My marital crisis' have never been about me so to speak. They weren't my problems (H's addiction, sons addictions and consequently my H bailing him out, our huge financial debt because my H made us responsible for our children's college even after they dropped out after years of trying, my H purchasing a camp without my permission let alone discussing it, making paying off debt impossible etc...) yet instead of putting my foot down I did everything an immature W would do, everything that just didnt work after trying to express how I felt and then eventually just giving up.

 

I never saw the hierarchy in my M until it was pointed out to me by my IC. I was Cinderella scrubbing the floors being told how my life was going to play out. If I was obedient and didn't fuss then there weren't any fights and I felt a sick kind of relief. So I stopped voicing my opinions, kept my thoughts to myself, and escaped my reality by being absent emotionally. Until I was the one who set a crisis in motion. I had an EA that lasted a couple of years, confessed, explained everything to my H, ended the A and switched to the new IC.

 

When I ended my A, I had a lot of work to do on me. It's hard to look at yourself and all of your flaws and change, but I wanted change more then anything. I wanted to learn about all the unhealthy behaviors I had and contributed to how my M survived 18 yrs of dysfunction. I needed to know what normal looked like or at least what normal is because I am surrounded by dysfunction...I grew up with it.

 

My problem is that my H sees my changing as a threat. He sees my boundaries as manipulation (when he gets defensive, I end the conversation til he's ready to listen, when he gets angry, I no longer let him make me responsible for how he reacts, when I am doing something for myself...I no longer feel guilty because he is pouting etc) and he doesn't like it. I told him that change is in order for not just me but for him also in order for us to save our marriage. He says he's changed as he no longer drinks like he used to (that stopped when his son got a dwi). I applaud him for not drinking like he did, yet that isn't changing all the things that led to the behavior.

 

He doesn't go to IC as he feels he is good with who he is yet he hates to hear the complaints I have in MC. We stopped the MC because I needed to focus on me because focusing on us was not working, just led to how I have the problems, and basically if I'd just go back to who I was (Cinderella) we'd be just fine.

 

I don't want to give up on the commitment that I made to my H, although I did break my vows by getting into an EA, and we have both addressed it and I have owned it and worked on change. I am not the person he married, yet he is exactly the same minus the drinking. I don't know if I have the strength to keep doing all the work while my H cheers from the sidelines only when it makes life easy for him. And then emotionally tries to beat me down when he's faced with the consequences of his actions. He hates to hear..."not my problem, not my responsibility".

 

How much longer do I do this, or is the last consequence for me to just divorce? I don't even remotely like the man he is when he is pouting and manipulating me to take on his feelings. I empathize with him that he feels that way but I no longer accept responsibility for he handles his tantrums. Anyone been in a situation like this? How did you know when it was time to accept there is no fixing a problem with only 1/2 the necessary tools??? Or how did you find the strength to keep going? I'm not looking to end my marriage, just looking to finally have some peace in my life. I deserve happy...and happy only exists for my H if he feels like he's winning. I just want to be on the same team or play a solo sport.

[fucpcg]

Like I just posted in another similar thread, you need to get your answers from a place that knows and understands alcohol and addiction, and don't get them from a dating site. Go here:

 

Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups

 

Find a meeting near you, and go, numerous times. Maybe even go for years, who knows. But you must start there.