DashedToBits Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 I want out so bad. Thirteen years of this bull is ENOUGH. I do not love him anymore. My husband is a complete dick, not just to me, but to the entire world. He's a short little man with a major Napoleon complex, and I'm finished dealing with it. He thinks everyone and everything has to impress him...he actually sits around WAITING for something impressive to come along, which is never does...he's bitter and hateful about everything. He doesn't realize how utterly unimpressive HE is. He's neglectful and abusive. When he's home, he literally sits on the couch staring at one screen or another while I take care of our two children and our home. This morning, I tried to talk to him and he ignored me until I cried, but he just sat there playing Angry Birds on his tablet while I sobbed five feet away from him. I took his stupid tablet from him and went upstairs with it and he flipped out, broke a mirror, ripped all the covers off the bed, and shook the bed so hard while I was sitting in it that it's all wobbly now and I think it's broken. I gave him back his tablet and he left. Stuff like this has been happening all along. This is a ridiculous sideshow of a marriage. I literally seethe with hatred for him. I'm an attractive, smart, caring woman. I'm creative and talented and I'm an amazing mother, friend, and WIFE. Why the hell am I still sitting here, waiting for this short, ugly, repulsive, mean, abusive, disgusting man to change and to start loving me? I'm 33 years old...I still have plenty of time to find a nice man who will care for me and be my partner in life. Why am I wasting my time? I keep deciding to leave and then deciding not to, and I can't figure out why.
BetrayedH Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 Because you took vows. It's time for ultimatums. Indicate a consequence and be prepared to follow thru on them. ETA...Marriage counseling should be one of them.
Ninja'sHusband Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 Yeah I would try to get him in marriage counseling. How are you two around the kids? How is he as a father?
Author DashedToBits Posted June 24, 2012 Author Posted June 24, 2012 He broke his vows 1,000 times over by abusing me emotionally for 13 years. Why should I continue honoring mine. I hate him. I've given him ultimatums. In February, I told him I was leaving unless he got counseling and we got marriage counseling (I'm already in counseling myself). He promised he would make appointments, and he didn't. Every time I bring it up to him, he starts yelling at me that I'm blackmailing him. WTF? And here I sit. The kids see him neglecting me, and they see me unhappy. He pays attention to the kids, but he is more interested in being their buddy than their father. My 12 year old cussed at me the other day and I told her she was grounded from the computer for a week, and he told her she could use the computer whenever she wanted. He's a dick! He's not at all interested in teaching them how to be healthy and productive human beings...he teaches them to judge other people and make fun of them, and to live their lives spewing hate and negativity everywhere. He's rotten inside.
Green Light Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 He broke his vows 1,000 times over by abusing me emotionally for 13 years. Why should I continue honoring mine. I hate him. I've given him ultimatums. In February, I told him I was leaving unless he got counseling and we got marriage counseling (I'm already in counseling myself). He promised he would make appointments, and he didn't. Every time I bring it up to him, he starts yelling at me that I'm blackmailing him. WTF? And here I sit. The kids see him neglecting me, and they see me unhappy. He pays attention to the kids, but he is more interested in being their buddy than their father. My 12 year old cussed at me the other day and I told her she was grounded from the computer for a week, and he told her she could use the computer whenever she wanted. He's a dick! He's not at all interested in teaching them how to be healthy and productive human beings...he teaches them to judge other people and make fun of them, and to live their lives spewing hate and negativity everywhere. He's rotten inside. Did he have some good qualities when you first met him? If so, when did things turn ugly?
Radu Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 Then leave, your girl needs to see how she should not be treated and how she should not treat others. 3
fucpcg Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 People become comfortable in their surroundings. Like why often war vets want to return to war, it's what they are used to and comfortable in. However if they keep away from the war long enough, hopefully they recover and become comfortable in a normal life and world again. I bet you unfortunately are too accustomed to and adjusted to your life, so the fear of changing it, and the fear of not knowing would come after that, since you've never had a normal life since being with this man, is what is probably holding you back. There is an old Zen teaching that says "I can show you the door, but you must walk thru it". We can all give you advice, but you need to walk out that door. Figure out what you need to do to get out, and try searching for a place where you can get support from others who have been in and moved past the same that you are in now. 1
Meatballsmom Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Take it from one who once walked in your shoes, get out now, it is never going to get fixed and will only get worse. Do it before your babies get any older. This is very dangerous! You think you have discipline problems now just wait until they are true teenagers. Your daughter is already showing signs of what my daughter did for years, which was to play her dad and you against each other. I came home from work to find that my freshmen in high school daughter had dropped out of school. She did it with her fathers signature. She is now in her late 30's, a drug addict and former welfare mom. Former, as the state took my grandaughter away from her and I haven't seen her since she was in the 6th grade, and she should now be a sophomore in high school 3
K Os Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 In February, I told him I was leaving unless he got counseling and we got marriage counseling (I'm already in counseling myself). He promised he would make appointments, and he didn't. Every time I bring it up to him, he starts yelling at me that I'm blackmailing him. WTF? And here I sit. You set a clear boundary for him here. A perfectly reasonable one, I would say. What happened to the consequence? It's a very difficult thing to do, I know, but you need to either follow through with the tough consequences, or not make the threat and try to handle it without ultimatums. He's learnt that there are no consequences, and therefore (for him) very few boundaries to his behaviour.
Enema Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 So leave. You teach people how to treat you. You've taught him over 13 years that this behaviour is acceptable, why all of a sudden would he change? Stop whining and do something about it.
phoenix65 Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 I would definitely leave. You are young enough to find someone who treats you well. It sounds like your children are coming into the teenage years, and they will be gone before you know it, so plan for your future. You are entitled to some happiness. I chose to stay in my soul destroying marriage and I totally regret it. I am now 46, my youngest leaves for university in 6 months and I might be facing the rest of my life alone as I have probably left it too late to build a new life with a new partner.
darkmoon Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 I would definitely leave. You are young enough to find someone who treats you well. It sounds like your children are coming into the teenage years, and they will be gone before you know it, so plan for your future. You are entitled to some happiness. I chose to stay in my soul destroying marriage and I totally regret it. I am now 46, my youngest leaves for university in 6 months and I might be facing the rest of my life alone as I have probably left it too late to build a new life with a new partner. from the trenches....i'm 60 and get dates it's all good
phoenix65 Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Darkmoon- I need advice- how do I go about meeting men? What do you do to get dates?
notbroken Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 So what is your role in things going south? Anything you could do to try to salvage things from your side?
darkmoon Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 (edited) Darkmoon- I need advice- how do I go about meeting men? What do you do to get dates? it's quite often when i least expect male attention, i bung on some T-shirt outfit and get a smile from a man, while shopping or getting a bus, either you click and make friends or you don't, obviously if i look rough nothing happens, the click happens unexpectedly, tbh, male friends who declare no interest in me sex-wise and vice versa can decide to give it a try so the usual friendly peck on the cheek suddenly becomes a peck on the lips, so need to get needy, male friends is safer emotionally as you know each other and have a bond already, you can start fancying each other out of the blue - then again a whole other debate goes on about whether men and women can just be friends no sex, and the debate leads to mixed opinions...one last key thing i read about dating is that nightclub meetings, pickings-up, do not work out that well in the long run, likewise on-line dating,anyway, it's summer so it's easy to get out Edited June 27, 2012 by darkmoon
GLDheart Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 ...Why the hell am I still sitting here, waiting for this short, ugly, repulsive, mean, abusive, disgusting man to change and to start loving me? I'm 33 years old...I still have plenty of time to find a nice man who will care for me and be my partner in life. Why am I wasting my time?.. I know you are kicking yourself for staying but it doesn't come across as weak in your situation. It comes across to me as honorable, virtuous, and loyal. You have stuck it out through the tough times and did not run to a "comforting co-worker" like weaker women would have. I truly respect the commitment you have shown your marriage and your children. WITH THAT SAID HOWEVER, I do believe in divorce in situations like what you describe. He's out of control and very well may deserve a "dose of himself" for a while. If I were in your shoes, I would try a seperation. Then you would see if he can show you any character that is capable of winning you back. 2
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