Stoneman70 Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 Hello all, I wanted to ask this question of other men that have been in my situation or in a similar situation. How long did it take for you to get over your love? Did you want more from her or vice versa? I'm 2 months out on no contact with S...still think of her each day and miss like crazy. I wanted more from her. I wanted her to stay with me all the time, be with me only, etc. I think she wanted that, but she never said it as much. As a man, I know what women think of my story...I left without saying goodbye so i must be a bad guy and not be in love as i say. I left because emotionally i couldn't say goodbye. I also knew S wasn't going to leave to be with me, knew we couldn't be together...and she was the reason i left so explaining that, well I couldn't. I love her more than anything. I like reading other men have been through too, I'm married and so was S. I think if either one of us was single, it would have been easier, to be honest. When you are both married, its twice as hard.
Summer Breeze Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 Hello all, I wanted to ask this question of other men that have been in my situation or in a similar situation. How long did it take for you to get over your love? Did you want more from her or vice versa? I'm 2 months out on no contact with S...still think of her each day and miss like crazy. I wanted more from her. I wanted her to stay with me all the time, be with me only, etc. I think she wanted that, but she never said it as much. As a man, I know what women think of my story...I left without saying goodbye so i must be a bad guy and not be in love as i say. I left because emotionally i couldn't say goodbye. I also knew S wasn't going to leave to be with me, knew we couldn't be together...and she was the reason i left so explaining that, well I couldn't. I love her more than anything. I like reading other men have been through too, I'm married and so was S. I think if either one of us was single, it would have been easier, to be honest. When you are both married, its twice as hard. I can't speak for the man I was in an A with (he was M and I was not) but he still sends flowers to me on my birthday and Valentines Day. I get an email roughly once a month. I never respond to anything and more than half of the emails sit unopened. It's been just less than 5 years since I ended it. His actions, for this length of time, lead me to believe he still has feelings for me. I don't know that for a fact. The one fact I did and do know is that I wasn't happy with the way our R was so I ended it. I wouldn't ever go back to what it was and he said from the beginning he'll never leave home so the gestures are nice but they mean next to nothing to me. 3
RickFox Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 I think you put this woman on such a high pedestal you will never go on, you will never move on with your life and you will continue to live in a fantasy in which you attempt to justify how everything happened so you can live in tihs world, unless you see it for what it truly was. I say this because I've been there done that and bought the t shirt. I have now been no contact for almost 9 months with xMW, a woman I fell hard for and am now 'over'. I need nothing from her, nor do I want anything from her anymore. We spoke of being together but when dday hit, she ran back home and made me the enemy, turning on me and forgetting all that I did for her and all that we talked about....all the I love you's...everything, gone forgotten. I was ready to leave my life for her, or so I thought, but her actions showed me everything I needed to see but it took me quite a bit of time to stop making excuses for her, for us and see it for what it was......a relationship born of deception that would, if we had ended up together, ended in a cloud of distrust and disaster. We were in the right place in the right time and she approached me, she made the first move after we had been friends for quite some time, it felt so right at the time, I thought she was my soulmate, but she was just a woman who set out to get some 'strange' and used words to justify it and in the end, when the thrill was gone, so was she, back in her safe and secure home, her H none the wiser. When I saw her for what she was (my opinion of course), it was easier to get over her and move forward.
yeah Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 When the affair started, I had just ended a 5 yr committed relationship and for once I was the single one, and my AP was a MM about 15 yrs older. We met at work but it didn't start until after working together for 2 years (and my own relationship ending). The affair was spontaneous and passionate and lasted about 5 months (with a few weeks here and there in between of attempted NC). I knew I had made a huge mistake getting involved this way, especially at work (it was a very small company, and everyone knew what was happening). This was the first and only affair I was ever involved in (I've never even cheated on anyone before) and in the peak of the relationship, there was constant talk of when and how he was going to officially leave his wife. I was delusional in lust, and he had 2 children under 10, and finally after months of the same dance, reading story after story on this site, and hearing the harsh reality from my Mom and my friends time and again, I knew I needed to find another job or it might go on endlessly. I felt like I was out of control of my life and my heart and I knew in my gut it would never go anywhere. I'm not going to lie, it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I've been in two 5 yr committed relationships before, and this by far hurt the most to break away from. I was SO lucky to have been able to find another job and make a clean break. I never officially said "Ok we're done." He kind of got the hint, we were both very passive aggressive personality types and we kind of just stopped talking for good (reality check!). Cold turkey was the best option for me, or else I knew I would keep filling myself with hope and patiently waiting and making a fool of myself in front of everyone. That was a little less than 2 yrs ago, and it took at least a full year for me to go a full day without thinking about him at least once and what I could have done differently and what could have been. I've gotten a few messages from him since then, nothing special, just what I would categorize as him "throwing me a bone". I'm so glad it's over with and he's out of my life. Like most affairs I read about on here, I had some of the most amazing times with him, but I knew the longer I waited it would just continue to go downhill and he would keep his happy life and I would continue to ruin mine.
jayinblue Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Ditto on all of the above. I'm just over a year and a half out from the relationship ending. It took a full year of no contact before I got to a point where the feelings I had for my affair partner finally started to fade away in earnest. I still have some lingering feelings which surface from time to time but I'm better equipped to deal with them. It was a very hard break for me as well. The only advice I can give you is to focus on taking care of yourself, whatever that means to you. If you like going to the gym, then go to the gym like crazy. If you like watching movies, then find friends and go see a movie. Find ways to take care of yourself and reward yourself for each no contact day you have, and find people you can lean on for support. I will warn you that sometimes an internet board isn't the best place to do that, because there are very hurt betrayed spouses here who have their own experiences and will lash out at you since their former significant other may not be available for comment. Understand that those people have been very hurt by a similar circumstance and don't know you as a person. Find a close friend to talk to and consider a therapist as they can help you see things out of the situation you may be missing.
Author Stoneman70 Posted June 27, 2012 Author Posted June 27, 2012 Thanks for your replies. I'm just so frustrated because S is all I think about. I yearn for her...want her with me, but have to accept reality which is hard. It's only 2 months out as well, so we will see how I feel a year from now!
Owl Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 I think that how long depends on what you're doing to change the situation...what you're doing to "re-focus" yourself onto something else. It takes longer when you LET yourself focus on your affair partner...it takes less time when you truly turn your energy towards rebuilding your life and/or your marriage. Something to consider....what are you doing to change your focus?
Author Stoneman70 Posted June 28, 2012 Author Posted June 28, 2012 In all honesty, I'm doing everything I can to take my focus off S. I work usually 6 days a week now and stay busy with my family here. My wife doesn't live with me..that is all dependent on her getting a visa, but it hasn't happened yet. Im not sitting around dwelling on S, but she is on my mind all the time. I thought it may take a few months to feel better, but I don't know. I'm trying.
Owl Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 In all honesty, I'm doing everything I can to take my focus off S. I work usually 6 days a week now and stay busy with my family here. My wife doesn't live with me..that is all dependent on her getting a visa, but it hasn't happened yet. Im not sitting around dwelling on S, but she is on my mind all the time. I thought it may take a few months to feel better, but I don't know. I'm trying. Well...here's what I think is holding you back. First off...your wife isn't there with you...physically. And given your affair, you've withdrawn from her emotionally as well. Right now, the last person you've been investing emotionally and physically with is S. So she's the one you miss. You haven't had the time together nor the opportunity to truly begin re-investing in your marriage. I'd hazard a guess that you're going to remain in the state you're in until that changes. I don't know how things will get better until/unless your wife is TRULY part of the equation...until you're truly able to start re-investing in that relationship. Until then...your focus is going to remain on the last satisfactory relationship you had...that with S. Your wife isn't able to fill the void left by the loss of S yet...and until she does...that void remains.
East7 Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 In all honesty, I'm doing everything I can to take my focus off S. I work usually 6 days a week now and stay busy with my family here. My wife doesn't live with me..that is all dependent on her getting a visa, but it hasn't happened yet. Im not sitting around dwelling on S, but she is on my mind all the time. I thought it may take a few months to feel better, but I don't know. I'm trying. I think you are focused on S because you feel lonely in your current life. You need your wife (or a woman) and some hot sex and you will forget S
Author Stoneman70 Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 Haha, I wish it were so easy East...that I could have sex with my wife and forget about S, but I love S. I don't just miss the sex (although it was the best I've ever had). I miss the talks, drinking wine and coffee together, Snuggling, dancing, just sitting and talking with S. Some hot sex wont cure me. I know it is harder because my wife isn't here with me either, but I'm just worried it won't change when she is. This will be something I have to really examine....esp as time goes on.
Radagast Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Haha, I wish it were so easy East...that I could have sex with my wife and forget about S, but I love S. I don't just miss the sex (although it was the best I've ever had). I miss the talks, drinking wine and coffee together, Snuggling, dancing, just sitting and talking with S. Some hot sex wont cure me. I know it is harder because my wife isn't here with me either, but I'm just worried it won't change when she is. This will be something I have to really examine....esp as time goes on. It's a myth that men can simply replace one female body with another. If you love and desire someone, it's that person you want and no other. During my affair I was physically incapable of having sex with my wife because I only wanted my lover. Even now when I think of my now-ex-wife I can't do so without physical feelings of revulsion because my love and desire is so deeply invested in my now-wife. And I suspect that this is, or perhaps even will be when you see your wife again, the situation you find yourself in. Your love and desire is so totally bound up with S that you struggle to conceive of love, or desire, or even happiness, without her. And yet, if you cannot be with her, that is what you will need to do. I find your posts really resonant, because I recognise that I could so easily have been in your position. I was so strongly socialised into duty and obligation and of course my own fears and experiences as a result of my parents' divorce when I was very young that the easy way out for me would have been to end my relationship with my love and stay in my marriage, at least until the kids were grown, knowing I was losing the woman I loved more than anything in the world. I would have been where you are now, and your posts hit me like a fist in my stomach because it could so easily have been me. I really feel for you.
Owl Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 My response had nothing to do with "replacing one body with another". My response had everything to do with having the memories of the last person you were intimate (both physically and emotionally) with.
Flabbergaster Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 stone it gets easier. just keep making it through the day, buddy. One day at a time is good enough for right now. How long to get better depends on person. did i want more? oh yeah, i wanted more. for whatever reason i wasn't prepared to leave for her at the right moment, so i don't get more. all those things you miss...yup. You'll start with a day where you focus easier...than a few days in a row. Then you'll have a few days where there's no pain on your chest. Bad days will become the exception rather than the rule. How long until she's completely off your mind? I'd guess never but i'm sure it's earlier than that How long until you stop screaming every day? it's just around the corner from where you are now. Two months NC was a painful spot. I read advice for drug addicts in recovery when i was at two months, that helped. try to think of characteristics that you know you would (or did) find annoying. Think of situations where she or her behavior hurt / upset you. focus on those things. don't let yourself daydream about 'wonderful' moments or revisit the past. Don't have conversations w her in your head..because they aren't real. When you find a reminder of her...try to remove it from your life. You wanted more...and she probably did as well...but that's just not how this song ends. You didn't leave your W, that's how you know this wasn't the one. You did love her...so yeah it is going to hurt to see her go. When you find love in an A...you've created a situation where there are no winning hands. I know this hurts but the alternative (staying in the A) would hurt twice as much. I think it's good your W isn't with you atm. You need to do some more grieving of the failed A before you live with her again. 1
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