Yeahsussu Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 Hi guys, So, I did this online dating thing, and I found a nice guy that I have been chatting with for a couple of days. He is fun and interesting to talk to, and he is also quite attractive. But, we speek two different languages. He can not speak my language very well, but I speak his language somewhat OK (therefore we´ve been able to chat..), but I´m still far away from fluent. But now I wonder, is this doomed for failure? I have never met him, yet, but he said yesterday it would be nice to meet up for a coffee sometime. I would love to do it, but at the same time I´m a bit nervous of how our conversation would flow. I find it easier to read what he says, instead of us sitting face to face and I would not be able keep up with the conversation. I told him it would be nice to meet up, if he can stand that I don´t speak the language very well, and he said thats fine. He claims he understands me very well (but thats probably because i´ve had an online dictionary next to me to help me out while we´ve been chatting, haha...). I really like this guy, but I´m afraid this language thing would get in the way. What do you guys think, does anyone have any experience with this?
ThingsAreComplicated Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 I wouldn't exactly say doomed for failure but as communication is (for me) the base of all human interaction I assume it will be tough. I wouldn't do it to be honest. May I ask which languages we are talking about?
Author Yeahsussu Posted June 24, 2012 Author Posted June 24, 2012 Yeah well.. I´m a bit torn about it. I speak swedish and he speaks finnish. I can do conversations in finnish, I think I´m just not confident enough. My finnish grammar is far from perfect, but at least I know most of the words I want to use and clearly he understands what i´m saying so that´s a good sign I guess... But still, I have a lot to learn!
Eclypse Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 Sorry this may sound stupid but does he speak English at all? You clearly know it.
oaks Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 I really like this guy, but I´m afraid this language thing would get in the way. What do you guys think, does anyone have any experience with this? I tried dating someone who didn't speak English very well (but she was brave enough to move to London) and I don't speak her home language at all. Before we met, when we got as far as swapping phone numbers, she asked me not to call her but to text her instead which I thought was a bit strange until she eventually explained that her written English was much better than her spoken English (and it was). Anyway, after a couple of dates I realised that there were cultural differences that were a bigger barrier to a relationship than the communication issue, so I let her down gently. In other words language may not be the only challenge you face, so good luck!
january2011 Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 While I was doing OLD, I conversed with someone via IM and his English was pretty poor. It was a big barrier for me because the conversation flow was bad and I place a lot of emphasis on good communication. We eventually stopped messaging each other. It can be hard enough to communicate when you can both speak the same language, so it's unlikely that I would pursue a long-term relationship if there was a big language barrier. A friendship maybe, but not a life partnership. If there is enough compatibility in other areas, then it might be worth pursuing. However, if you're not even able to judge compatability because of poor communication, then it's probably a non-starter.
Author Yeahsussu Posted June 24, 2012 Author Posted June 24, 2012 Sorry this may sound stupid but does he speak English at all? You clearly know it. Yes, he does speak some English. But to be honest it would feel a bit stupid sitting and speaking english to each other since we´re both from the same country, we just speak two different languages I was too lazy at school to learn finnish properly, and i get my punishment now
writergal Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 English is definitely a "lingua franca" aka culturally connective language. If he speaks English then you're problem is solved. Plus learning a foreign language takes time and practice. The one time I dated a guy who barely spoke English was when I lived in China. It was a short lived relationship full of lots of hand gestures, awkward silences and smiles that hid frustration due to the lack of a common language between us. If your guy isn't bilingual in English then you may have to just end it and continue your search. Speaking the same language counts for a lot. If you can't understand each other how can you possibly date and have a successful relationship? ETA: I just now see that you posted your guy does speak some English. It's stupid if you don't seize the opportunity to use English to get to know each other while you each brush up on each other's language since you live in the same country.
Author Yeahsussu Posted June 24, 2012 Author Posted June 24, 2012 ETA: I just now see that you posted your guy does speak some English. It's stupid if you don't seize the opportunity to use English to get to know each other while you each brush up on each other's language since you live in the same country. This would be a great opportunity to better learn each others languages. I can joke about myself for not talking fluent in finnish, and he understands that and he keeps supporting me anyway, which i rekon is really sweet. We might just have to use body language if we get stuck
writergal Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 It's a great opportunity and he sounds like a total sweetheart. Why not take a chance and see where it leads you both? Grab a Finnish-Swedish dictionary and have some fun getting to know each other better using English as a go-between when you need to. Problem solved, I say.
Author Yeahsussu Posted June 24, 2012 Author Posted June 24, 2012 It's a great opportunity and he sounds like a total sweetheart. Why not take a chance and see where it leads you both? Grab a Finnish-Swedish dictionary and have some fun getting to know each other better using English as a go-between when you need to. Problem solved, I say. Thanks for being so positive If it all goes to hell at least we tried! But you have a good point there, we should just make it a fun thing and not take everything so seriously. This guy seems really sweet, but then again I have just been chatting with him for a few days so i don´t have the whole picture yet. But I would definately go on a date with him. 1
carhill Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 What do you guys think, does anyone have any experience with this? Yes, I have some experience, and a past lover and I had a language barrier at first. Initially, it was solved by an interpreter but gradually communication improved, both inclusive of and absent language, until it was quite natural and comfortable to be together. Another experience, though that one didn't turn out to be a lover, and more precisely like yours, found few issues. At first I was concerned and did use an interpreter, but the lady quickly found her confidence with English and we went it alone. I knew enough Ukrainian to get my face slapped but we did get some laughs out of my efforts. 'If it all goes to hell at least we tried' IMO, that's a healthy attitude to have. Enjoy what is. Good luck
writergal Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 Thanks for being so positive If it all goes to hell at least we tried! But you have a good point there, we should just make it a fun thing and not take everything so seriously. This guy seems really sweet, but then again I have just been chatting with him for a few days so i don´t have the whole picture yet. But I would definately go on a date with him. Awesome attitude. Have fun on your first date too! Your OP made me think of this clip from the tv show friends, which I forgot to post in my first response. I think it's pretty funny and kind of illustrates what you're going through. But I think as long as you two use English while you get to know each other and each other's language, you'll be fine.
FitChick Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 Humor is very important to me and that tends to get lost in translation.
Negative Nancy Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 Humor is very important to me and that tends to get lost in translation. This is true. Not being a native English speaker myself, a lot of times sarcasm, subtlety, innuendos and idioms completely go over my head and I take the person at the most literal level available - and if you have to explain jokes or puns, they are not funny anymore. I consider myself fluent enough to hold a decent conversation, though.
carhill Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 I also noted 'pillow talk' and describing emotions and aspects of intimacy was often problematical, and misunderstandings could result. The flipside of that was it appeared to foster more openness and acceptance of intent and less dwelling on individual words/phrases and more on body language, expressions and actions.
Author Yeahsussu Posted June 24, 2012 Author Posted June 24, 2012 I also noted 'pillow talk' and describing emotions and aspects of intimacy was often problematical, and misunderstandings could result. This is what I also can see problems with. I don´t really know how to have "pillow talk" in finnish and describing emotions other than stuff like "i like you", but .... body language then
Author Yeahsussu Posted June 27, 2012 Author Posted June 27, 2012 Gaahh... I´m gonna meet him this Friday for the first time. It will also be the first time I´m meeting up with someone from an online dating site... Nervous?! Just a little bit!! Have a few days now to brush up my language skills....
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