Megan5P Posted July 2, 2004 Posted July 2, 2004 I was miserable with him but now I'm even more miserable without him. I broke it off, our relationship was like trying to force opposite ends of two magnets together or mixing oil and water. We are both Type A personalities, etc. After a year I realized it wouldn't work - I broke up with him. I loved him and he loved me - we just seemed to argue and neither one of us would give in to the other. Stupid stuff for mid-40 year olds. Our breakup was over the phone - him begging and apologizing and me so angry at him - I screamed and yelled "How could you do this to me?" ......... I hated him at that moment and just wanted out. He was sorry but I wouldn't accept it. I'd been put down and criticized to the point I couldn't take it anymore. He never seemed to accept me for who I am - an independent, intelligent woman. He treated me like I was stupid and not important and tried to make me jealous and insecure. It worked - I ended up feeling like an inch tall and realized I didn't deserve to be treated this way. I left him. Now it's three weeks later and I'm in agony - it's like I've become obsessed. I can't eat, I think about him constantly, I wake up in a panic in the mornings asking myself if I did the right thing. I hate country and western music but he loved it so I'm now listening to it on the radio wondering if he's listening to it the same time I am. I am in a total fog - I can't function - he's all I think about. What is wrong with me? I think he's already involved with someone and has moved on and is happy, or he's so busy he's totally forgotten about me. I've started at least ten letters to him but then rip them up. I want to drive by his house just to see if he's home or see his truck parked in his driveway...... What's going on? Have I totally lost my mind or is this just a serious case of a broken heart? I still love him and I miss him. I can't seem to remember the bad stuff - all the things we did together (even things I forgot about) keep popping up in my head. I'm sick with heartache - how can I get over this? I've tried to stay busy - I've tried to not think about him - I'm on the verge of tears constantly and I am in this total fog - all I can do is think about him. I need advice to get over him and start functioning normally again - HELP!!!!
Stargazer25 Posted July 3, 2004 Posted July 3, 2004 Trust me, you really are better off without this idiot in your life, I know~ I am ending a year long relationship with my abuser and even though there are times that it hurts a lot, I know i'm doing the right thing for myself. He also is the exact way you describe your guy~ always wanting me to feel insecure and jealous, always putting me down to the point I really started to feel like it was me all me and I was loosing my mind. It has only been a few days, and even though it is hard, again I keep my ANGER alive because it is what helps me over the hump sometimes. I think of all the mean **** he's done to me and said to me, and I know none of it is true about me, it is HIS issue and HIS insecurity. When ever I think about him hooking up with someone else, I do feel a little upset of course, but I also know it's only a matter of time before he is doing this to someone else, and I just thank God it won't be me anymore. Eventually who ever these kinds of people hook up with it will end badly, because just like you and just like me, you can only take so much bull**** before you've got to get out or die inside. When you feel like writing, write for yourself, how you are feeling, the rotten crap he has done to you. I've begun writing a lot just to get it out and help me really see on paper in my hand what an ass he really is. Be strong, and know that you don't deserve to be treated badly and that eventually we will both be okay again and much wiser in the next person we meet. All the best to you~
Megan5P Posted July 3, 2004 Posted July 3, 2004 Stargazer25 - THANK YOU!!!!!! You were a tremendous help and I appreciate your kind post, thanks a million. Best of luck to you as well. I think eventually we'll look back and wonder what we ever saw in these jerks. We're alot alike - at least we're strong enough women to not want to put up with their crap but still it's hard letting go and it's comforting to know others are out there going thru the same thing. Rock on girlfriend.
georgie Posted July 3, 2004 Posted July 3, 2004 Megan, I so TOTALLY know how you feel. I have been there before and I am presently going through it again. Know this........the end of a relationship in a way is like a death. It's a goodbye that could be permanent and you need time to grieve. I know this may sound weird but if you don't let yourself grieve and you just keep distracting yourself from your true inner feelings it will come out later. Possibly in your next relationship and that is not good. Don't beat yourself up for being depressed. I just put my pajamas on and baby myself while I lick my wounds for a little while. In my experience it is just part of the healing and moving on process. When it gets REALLY bad it does help to go on these forums and hear from others and know that you are not alone, but the only secret to the agony going away is summed up in one simple word...........time. Good luck.
Megan5P Posted July 3, 2004 Posted July 3, 2004 Georgie, You are right - I was trying to do everything BUT grieve. Now I'm grieving and letting myself work thru it. It's the hardest thing in the world - the pain is so intense. I wonder if he's going thru what I'm going thru and if it hurts him as much as it hurts me. If I just knew he was hurting somehow that would bring relief. In my mind though I think he's gone on and has forgotten about me and has someone else or maybe that's what everyone thinks when they break up with someone - that they've gone on and gotten over you faster than you're getting over them. Heartbreak is so painful - even though I was the one who ended it - I think I'm going thru more pain than he is. Is he hurting like me? Today is his birthday and all I can think about is sending him a birthday card. Won't do it though - I gotta keep moving forward. It's been 4 weeks. First two weeks were easy then it hit me like a ton of bricks and these last two weeks have been agonizing. Ugh, I can't wait for this to end and to be able to go thru the day without being obsessed about him. Like you said - it's just going to take time. It hurts like hell but now I'm giving in to the grief and letting it work itself out. Thanks for your advice!
Stargazer25 Posted July 3, 2004 Posted July 3, 2004 Megan, I know it's hard not to think he has moved on and is all happy without you~ Trust me on this though, he is a misrable person, so his finding happiness isn't very likely. He may find someone else to make unhappy and have a disfunctional relationship with, but in the end of things true happiness will alway be out of his reach unless or until he changes, and I don't look for that to happen. You on the other hand, have a lot to offer someone else who DESERVES what you are giving in the relationship and APPRECIATES you for the awesome person you are! I've always thought that loving someone shouldn't be such a struggle you know? It shouldn't hurt you and it isn't okay when you are always trying to hold on to "that one time when he was having a sane moment" so that you can stay with him in the relationship. I know how that is! LOL I think about my friends telling me "he is such an ass, leave him! why don't you leave him?" and me thinking or trying to justify... well there was this ONE time that he was really nice to me... blah who needs it?! So it's his birthday today~~~ go get a gift for YOURSELF and celebrate your piece of mind! Get something nice for you that makes YOU feel great! As Georgie has pointed out, ending a relationship is like a death only the person is still walking around and haunting you, and time of course is all that is going to heal you~~~ while I agree that it's okay for you to have your not so great days, and it's okay to grieve, we've also got to keep it in perspective that we have given up something that wasn't and isn't good for us, and that there was life and a pretty damn good one before these idiots came into our lives and there will be life and happiness long after they are a distant bad memory. Hang in there girl!
Megan5P Posted July 3, 2004 Posted July 3, 2004 Have you guys gone thru the obsessing part? Wondering what he's doing, where he is.... I can't believe how this has suddenly made my knees buckle. And how do I stop remembering nothing but the good times? Things I totally forgot about keep popping up into my mind. I can't seem to control this obsessing about him. It's totally not like me - I ask myself maybe I still love him and made a huge mistake (which I know are just insane thoughts). He made me feel really insecure - maybe this is to blame because he crushed my self esteem so I feel like he's out chasing women and having a great time and I'm stuck in this fog, miserable and feeling horrible about myself. He had two sisters he would call up and share all our problems with. He'd tell them and his mother everything. After each argument - he'd call them and they'd bash me. They'd rush to his side and stroke his ego - while I have no family support (my parents are dead and my brothers don't offer much support) and no one there to pick me up other than friends (and you know friends - they want to talk about themselves rather than listen to your heartache). I feel so alone while he's got tons of support, is probably at the beach oogling girls in bikini's and drinking his cocktails. He is the type to rush out and screw someone (anyone) just to show me. Whenever we had breakups before he'd run off to his sisters who'd immediately try to set him up with someone knew or take him to the local bar to go dancing. Thanks for listening to this - I have to get it off my chest. Should I have a burial ceremony and get rid of his photos and cards he gave me? How do I get him out of my head? I seem so obsessed with him - maybe it's just because it's his birthday and I know he's off somewhere with all his family having a good ol' time. I couldn't compete with his two sisters and mother - he shared more with them than me. I don't think any woman has stuck around too long because of this. His beauty queen sister rushes to his aid - it was like being involved with a married man. My ex would tell his sister how beautiful she is but wouldn't ever tell me. Am I just babbling..........???? I'm just hurting, trying to get all this out of my system.
Stargazer25 Posted July 4, 2004 Posted July 4, 2004 Megan, It's okay to feel not so great~~ we all have our moments. Thing to keep in mind here is he has hurt your self esteem and self worth sister... and that's not love, or care or okay~ Like I said before, even if he is out doing those things Megan, it will end badly regardless of who it is he gets involved with, but I do understand how you feel. One of the last things my bf told me was trying to come off as casual about it, "I wonder what time SHE gets home?" like talking to himself you know? But wanting me to feel bad that he was ready to hook up with someone new. He knew EXACTLY what he was doing, and it's just a part of the "game" Yet, he also went on and on about how he just knew I was with someone else and that must be the reason I was breaking things off with him, and made a lot of other rude remarks surrounding that. I just try to chalk it up to that is how HE is and it isn't my problem. I would most def get rid of all the crap he gave you, my bf told me just to throw it all away, I said okay I will, LOL that got to him! Then because he is a controller, he called me back and said he would mail me mine, again I said okay~ I've just got to the point I refuse to argue with him or try to defend what he says to me, it isn't worth it and he doesn't hear me, so there isn't any point. My bf also tells his mom and the rest of the family EVERY little thing that had happened, but of course they only heard his side of things~~~~ my bfs mom is bi polar and actually I really believe he is as well. But just like your ex bf my ex's family also has always enabled him to do whatever and they take all responsibility for his actions and dismiss it, which is why these jackasses are the way they are to begin with I think. You're going to be okay girl~~~ give it more time, and when you start to miss the idiot, THINK real hard about how many times he made you cry and feel bad about yourself. *Hugs*
unreal Posted July 4, 2004 Posted July 4, 2004 Originally posted by Stargazer25 Megan, It's okay to feel not so great~~ we all have our moments. Thing to keep in mind here is he has hurt your self esteem and self worth sister... and that's not love, or care or okay~ Like I said before, even if he is out doing those things Megan, it will end badly regardless of who it is he gets involved with, but I do understand how you feel. One of the last things my bf told me was trying to come off as casual about it, "I wonder what time SHE gets home?" like talking to himself you know? But wanting me to feel bad that he was ready to hook up with someone new. He knew EXACTLY what he was doing, and it's just a part of the "game" Yet, he also went on and on about how he just knew I was with someone else and that must be the reason I was breaking things off with him, and made a lot of other rude remarks surrounding that. I just try to chalk it up to that is how HE is and it isn't my problem. I would most def get rid of all the crap he gave you, my bf told me just to throw it all away, I said okay I will, LOL that got to him! Then because he is a controller, he called me back and said he would mail me mine, again I said okay~ I've just got to the point I refuse to argue with him or try to defend what he says to me, it isn't worth it and he doesn't hear me, so there isn't any point. My bf also tells his mom and the rest of the family EVERY little thing that had happened, but of course they only heard his side of things~~~~ my bfs mom is bi polar and actually I really believe he is as well. But just like your ex bf my ex's family also has always enabled him to do whatever and they take all responsibility for his actions and dismiss it, which is why these jackasses are the way they are to begin with I think. You're going to be okay girl~~~ give it more time, and when you start to miss the idiot, THINK real hard about how many times he made you cry and feel bad about yourself. *Hugs* Many comments I don't agree with here. First of all, maybe he didn't mean to hurt her self esteem and that maybe she is misunderstanding him. Or vice versa? Secondly, you say to get rid of all his photos and cards? Man, that is cold and immature. No matter what happens, that is an important part of her life she would be throwing away. I'm sure there are happy memories of the relationship along with the bad. Why would you just act like he didn't exist. That is what bothers me about some people. They aren't willing to try to make things work, they only see the bad in the OTHER person and not things they may have done wrong, they don't want to compromise and they just want to move on and forget as if the other person died. Thirdly, why would you say that whoever this guy gets with will end badly? Remember, some people just don't connect or work well together. It doesn't mean they don't work well with anyone. Megan5p, if I were you and I missed him that much, I would try and think long and hard about whether or not you can go back to him or not? Can you two work it out together? I just hate to see others throw away love because they don't want to compromise or try to work things out. If you feel you have done all you can do and taken all you can take. Then you may not want to try anymore. It is a question you will have to take time and dig deep into your soul to answer. Let your heart and better judgement work together and lead you down the right path. Best of luck!
Stargazer25 Posted July 4, 2004 Posted July 4, 2004 Unreal, Listen, You may want to re read Megans orginal post, she has said in TWO of her posts now that this guy hurt her self esteem, that he put her down constantly and made her feel stupid, he went out of his way to make her feel jealous and insecure~~~ I HAVE BEEN THERE! Have you UNREAL? I really doubt it. Sorry, but they had been together for awhile and had broken up before or when he was in a mood he was calling his mom and sisters and they were collectively bashing her, that ISN'T something that is done without the intent of hurting the person you are SUPPOSE to be loving, so don't give me that crap that this "poor" guy just didn't know he was hurting her feelings, and I know too because i've been living in this kind of hell myself that it wasn't that Megan didn't tell her boyfriend that it hurt her A LOT when he said mean things to her or put her down, HE KNEW EXACTLY what he was doing, he ISN'T stupid or that daft at 40 years old. Getting rid of the things he gave her and his photos isn't cruel, unusual, or cold and immature the way you've put it out there to be. It is having CLOSURE and not be constantly reminded of the pain she is in right now over all of this. For God sake, do you think when people get divorced they keep those wedding albums and proudly display those glossy 8x10 photos on the wall? NOPE it's called closure, letting go. Why do I say that no matter who this guy gets with it will end badly~~ because he from what Megan has said he is a controlling abuser just like mine who has shown himself to be selfish and self absorbed, he is 40 years old so what do you think~~~ think he is just going to change his ways now? DOUBT IT! It isn't that this guy doesn't connect well with just Megan, it's that he doesn't "play well with others" don't think there are people like that in the world? THINK AGAIN! Megan isn't the person here who needs to dig down deep in her soul as you've suggested~~ this ex of hers is the one who needs to dig down deep in his and figure out that you can't treat someone like a doormat and keep them at arms length so that they never really feel loved or appreciated. This isn't about "compromise" as you've also suggested... it's about RESPECT for the person you are suppose to love, it's about doing the right things for each other, notice I said for BOTH people? It's about making the other person feel secure and loved. Love shouldn't hurt, it shouldn't be such a struggle. Abuse verbally, mentally, or physically ISN'T love, so don't water it down. Megan, I know you're going through a lot, because I know I am~~~ no matter what you choose to do, I wish you happiness.
Megan5P Posted July 4, 2004 Posted July 4, 2004 Stargazer - you are right on the money - sounds like we were with the same guy! My ex would say things like "This girl at work was telling me she was having financial problems and not getting along with her boyfriend..". My ex is a damn truck driver - I would think why is he telling me this and what's he doing loitering around the office - flirting with the women? Or he'd say "The girls brought in lunch today and invited me to eat with them" or "She looks like a million bucks" (something he never said to me on my best day). He would intentionally say things to make me jealous or watch my reaction. He was very narcisstic and self absorbed. He would go on and on about himself and say things like "I look great for my age, I'm very secure with myself" or "If you just lost 20 lbs. you'd look like a supermodel". Or "I've been with so many women and I've done everything". He used to test me too just to see how far he could push me. In our early months of dating he'd call me to come over - he wanted me with him constantly. When I needed a break or didn't want to come over he'd say "Well I'm going to go play some pool...". Ok, fine didn't bother me. But then after midnight he'd call me (drunk) and say "This girl bought me drinks all night....I wonder if Treasures (Topless bar) is still open, I might swing by there". I would sit there in shock listening to him tell me that and got mad and hung up. Next day of course he said "I never said any of that, I was too drunk". It was a mind game from hell. Then his mom rented a beach house last summer. Mind you we had just started dating. His sisters and their husbands and kids were there and one of his mom's friends. His mom is 64 and her friend was in her early 50's. AFTER we go down there to spend the night for a few days with the CLAN - I find out my ex and his mom's friend had gone out one night and went drinking and she gave him a blow job. He said it was nothing - they didn't have sex. So here I am stuck at this beach house looking at this woman I've never met in my life who gave my boyfriend a blow job (but it was nothing of course .....). My ex is getting off to the situation while I am asking myself "What's wrong with this picture". I felt so uncomfortable there and couldn't stop thinking about this woman's mouth on my boyfriends penis. She was not attractive at all and I asked him "Do you just have sex with anybody? She's fat and ugly with crooked teeth - does it not matter who you let give you head?". So there I was having to pretend I'm having a good time with these people. I told him I was furious that I was brought down there and had to be in the same room with his mom's friend and know what happened. His mom was weird and his sisters were weird - it's like they all worshipped my ex. He in return strutted around like a peacock and seemed to enjoy watching my reaction to it all. That's the first time I met his sisters and after that he told me his sister made a comment to me "She looks like the jealous type". What? I just met the girl - how the hell did she know anything about me? I think he said that wanting me to be jealous and insecure and from then on the next year I was with him and things snowballed. So, UNREAL..... I am NOT misunderstanding the dirt clod - he's an arrogant a**h***. And getting rid of all his cards and photos, etc. that he gave me? Why is that such a bad thing when everytime me and my ex had problems the first thing he would do is chunk my photo he had into his closet. Then I'd come over his house after we made up and see he got rid of MY photo? My ex turned 46 yesterday. He's been married two times already. First marriage lasted a couple of years and she was ten years older than him but SHE had issues. His second marriage (they got married after she got pregnant) lasted about 8-9 years but was tumultuous. She cheated on him and left him for another man. THEN right before me he met someone and she immediately moved in with him after he proposed to her 4 weeks into the relationship. Lasted 6 months and she moved out. He claims she was psycho and drank too much. He said that was a mistake and he was just trying to hard to "fill a void" (he wanted a wife). Then I came along. We dated 3 months and he proposed to me. Way too soon to get married - I told him he was rushing things. We dated almost a year and it was a constant battle because instead of him making me feel loved and secure he did things constantly that made me not trust him. This guy would brag about everything - most I found out wasn't true. I've was married once before and was widowed. I would have been married 16 years if he hadn't died. So this breakup - in which I had to end it because I saw what he was doing to my self worth and self esteem - has been traumatic for me. We did have some great times and he was good to me and did alot for me but there was this control factor he needed to exhibit over me. Mind games. He somehow needed to knock me down to make himself feel better. And he always threatened me "If you cheat on me you're gone, I'll never forgive you". Yet after arguments we'd have he'd call up everyone he knew and would bash me and he'd go out and buy porn magazines. But I had to be loyal and trustworthy, oh yes - else I was out on the streets. He told me one time "When someone does me wrong - I'm ruthless". Yet he turns around and says "I'm so in love with you - I've never loved anyone as much as I love you". What a crock of ****. He'd say and do things that would intentionally hurt my feelings. He'd smile and tell me "You take everything the wrong way". He'd come home from work and call me and start talking about the ladies in the office saying "Yeah, so-in-so told me I should dye my mustache and get the gray out". Once again, the guy is supposed to be out driving a truck what's he doing sliming his way around the office talking to all the ladies and telling me about it! We'd be watching tv together and having a good time then he'd flip channels and Howard Stern would be on with two lesbians and he'd sit and watch it. I'd have to say "Uh, do you mind?". Then he'd change the channel after I got pissed. Or he'd pause it on a "Girls Gone Wild" advertisement and I'd just look at him like "Are you getting off to this?". I would be appalled - he'd sit there and laugh at me and enjoy watching my reaction. Then he'd want to make love and I'd be like "Eeeewwww get away from me you skank". He disrespected me and my feelings. Why would I want to go back to him? I don't. I'm simply on here trying to get over the heartbreak, crushed self esteem and dissapointment. I loved the jerk and I'm trying to get over him - it's just not working as quickly and easily as I thought. At least Stargazer and Georgie know where I'm coming from. I still love him and miss him but that's what the problem is - it's the heartbreak that's causing me to forget about the bad times and only remember the good. It wasn't a healthy relationship because he made me feel bad about myself. A decent guy doesn't mentally abuse a woman or do things to crush her self esteem - he should be supportive and loving. This guy did have good qualities and wanted to give me the world - but for a price. He wanted to suck my soul out from under me and put it in a cage where he could control and manipulate it to feed his ego. I lost myself and became this scared animal wondering if he was going to be nice or be hurtful. Of course to him he was perfect with no flaws - I was the one with issues and problems. He'd look in the mirror at himself and say "Damn I look good for 45" then tell me "If you just lost another 20 lbs......". Or he'd say "My sister had three kids and she wears a bikini..........". Making me feel horrible about my 20 extra pounds and the fact I wore a one-piece. Then I'd get my feelings hurt and THEN he'd say "YOU look good just the way you are". Yea, thanks for picking me back up after you steamrolled over me. So you see I know in my heart leaving him was the best thing I could have done - but I'm stuck in the aftermath of destruction. Trying to mop up my self esteem and broken heart hasn't been easy and that's why I posted all this drama - I am reeling from the hurt and loss. Stargazer has been a tremendous help and for that I'm grateful. I needed someone to talk to who knows what I'm going thru. He was abusive and controlling - I didn't cause him to act that way. I simply wanted to love him, be best friends and enjoy life together. He on the other hand wanted to play games and break me down. He was successful!!!! Stargazer is very correct - this relationship wasn't about compromise. I told my ex a million times that I wanted respect but that's the one thing he refused to give me. I didn't want jewelry or gifts - I wanted him to respect me. Don't know what that's so hard for some men. Maybe they just hate women. I dumped my ex - he once told me..........."You'll never leave me". I remember finding that an odd thing to say someone you've only been dating for a few months. That stuck in my head for a long time. Was it a threat or was he saying that bragging that he was just too great to be dumped. I dumped his sorry *** - he deserved it. I gave him a million chances to treat me with respect and to just be kind to me. Things would improve for a while then he'd drop a bomb on me out of the blue saying something like "This girl was wearing this great perfume the other day". He'd say this after knowing I had just gone out and spent alot of money on a new perfume - I'd tell him "I bought a new perfume, hope you like it". I'd wear it and he wouldn't say a word or compliment me on anything. But yet he'd go out of his way to mention some other girls perfume! Psychological mind games he played on me constantly and it screwed me up - look what I'm going thru now. So the fact here isn't that I want him back or maybe I "misunderstood" him. I tried to love someone who was emotionally cruel to me and I'm sorry - IT HURTS!!! It hurts I loved someone like this, that after telling him and opening myself up and being vulnerable, trusting, loving and totally honest and faithful - he had to hurt me. What did I do to him? I hate him, I love him, I miss him, I never want to see him again. These are the residual emotions and feelings I'm needing help with. It's been 4 weeks and I'm in agony and pain - which I don't understand since I know he wasn't good for me and I left him. I just need help dealing with these feelings. It's a broken heart plain and simple - but with smashed self esteem thrown in for good measure. One good thing about all this is - I'm losing those damn 20 pounds because I've been so blue I can't eat. Usually when I'm upset I eat for comfort. Not this time - I just get nauseated thinking of food - so maybe these 20 lbs. will come off, I'll become gorgeous and run into my ex and he'll realize what a slimey worm he was to lose me by being a selfish pig. Stargazer - keep writing, you're helping me SO MUCH.
Stargazer25 Posted July 4, 2004 Posted July 4, 2004 Megan, I have chills right now reading what you've written~ My ex did so many of the same exact things! He is only 28 but none the less he would always tell me how good he looked ect. He also told me about all these girls who he would be convinced wanted him, he would say "she wants me, I can tell" he would tell me about how many girls gave him head, no matter how many times I asked him to keep it to himself, as far as I was concerned it was the past and I didn't need or want to know, but he loved to tell me anyway. Then say, well we didn't have sex, ugh! He was the opposite of telling me to loose wieght, I am a very small girl and have done modeling, so then he would tell me that my boobs are to big for my small frame and asked me to go in for reduction, he told me that he didn't think I needed to get my hair highlighted or my nails done, because he said it made me a fake. He also took clothes that he didn't feel were appropriate and throw them away or cut them up. He would play little games, like choose a dress he wanted me to wear out then if any guy looked at me when we were out together, he would verbally abuse me when we got back home, telling me I must like for guys to look at me and that I was just looking for attention. Telling me that if I didn't have looks that no one would want me because I have issues, ugh! I could go on and on~~~ and like you, it hurts so much, because I love him, because like you I didn't want gifts or money, I wanted him to love me and to respect me, to give me his time and treat me good and make me feel safe in his love for me. My guy would tell me to shut the f**k up and call me a bitch and a whore when he was feeling insecure. When I got mad and told him hell no you didn't and hell no you're not talking to me like that, then he would say he was sorry BUT that I MADE HIM like that. Megan, I know what you're going through girl.... it's the most difficult thing i've ever been through in my life. Let me tell you that I don't have to have ever seen you or know you personally to know YOU ARE a wonderful person Megan, who is beautiful, smart and deserving of someone who treats you with respect and loves you with ALL they have. Talking to you helps me too sister, and I want to keep in touch. (((Hugs)))
Megan5P Posted July 4, 2004 Posted July 4, 2004 Stargazer, You sound like you are a strong and amazing person and I'm glad you refused to let him treat you like that. Did you leave him? How long has it been and has he tried contacting you? The hardest part for me is that I have no family to turn to. No support. My ex on the other hand has an army of support. He would tell me "How sad" that I had little family and instead of making me feel better he'd add..."I've got a big family and alot of people in my life who care about me". Rip my heart out and step on it why don't you. This is a huge thing that's bothered me because here I sit alone with no one ringing my phone to see if I'm ok and he's surrounded by his sisters, mom, family, friends and they are all bashing me about being a basket case. How do I know all this? Because I'm able to access his cell phone records (he doesn't know this) and I've seen the thousands of calls he's made to his sisters and mother right after our breakups. This is how I caught him lying to me too (that's another story). He's at some big family reunion celebrating his birthday at a beach house and I'm at home trying to pull myself out of despair and recover. I invited this male aquaintence over last night to talk to(he's just a friend and alot older than me). He's helped me out a few times and I needed someone/anyone to talk to. This guy spent the entire four hours we were together talking incessantly about himself - barely taking breaths and going on and on about himself............I wanted to kill myself right then and there. I feigned illness to get him to leave - he was of no help whatsover. Another idiot man rambling on and on about how great he is was the last thing I wanted last night. I wanted someone to listen to me. The one split second he shut up long enough to let me talk I got maybe half a sentence in and was ignored and he went right back to yapping about himself. I was disgusted - won't rely on him anymore. He ended up pissing me off because I realized there I was stuck with another rambling idiot self-absorbed man. I read something this morning about depression. It said the fastest way to cure depression is to go out and help others by doing things for other people. I'm sick of doing for others - why can't someone care about me? I'm exhausted from listening to other people yak about themselves or want me to do things for them. I am going to call my doctor tomorrow or Tuesday and see if he can prescribe something for depression and anxiety - I just can't pull myself up from this grief and I need to get a grip on things and function normally. I don't trust myself - I am afraid I'm going to mail that letter or call him or go drive by his house. I woke up this morning in a panic thinking "I totally screwed up, I've got to get him back". This is not like me at all. I admit I need some type of help getting thru this. I just can't seem to do it alone and it's making me crazy. I don't know if this is normal when you break up with someone you still love or if I'm going off the deep end here. Are you going thru this too? How are you coping and dealing with all of it. Has he tried to contact you?
Stargazer25 Posted July 4, 2004 Posted July 4, 2004 Megan, I broke things off with him going on day 4 now. He has tried to contact me, leaves me hateful voicemails about how I will never find anyone else and making sure there is plenty of noise (female voices) in the background. Yes, it is VERY hard for me, I love him a lot and hate him at the same time. He has made me question everything about myself all the way down to if i'm a good enough person for anyone and if I had done this or that would he have loved me? I write him a lot, but I never send them because it would only be giving him the control and power he wants. I know how it is with friends as well, they mean well but really want to discuss how they are and tell me to just get over it, as if it was that easy, it isn't and you and I both know that. The past two nights I have cried myself to sleep missing him so much it feels like I cannot breathe, and being so mad at myself for being so damn weak to even think this guy is worth my tears or my sorrow. I've stopped talking to my family to much about this, as they like my friends think I should just get over it. I know though that it is the abuse that i've suffered for over a year that I feel the way I do. He convinced me for a long time that I was nothing without him. Funny enough he cheated on me as well, but like your ass LOL he would tell me that if I ever cheated on him he was gone and he hoped I burned in hell for it. Of course I never cheated on him, I never wanted to or was looking, I was to wrapped up in trying to convince him that I am a good person and show him I was worthy of his time and love, God it all seems so pathetic now. It kills me to not call him, it kills me to know that he is at the beach today hangin with his friends and looking at girls and God knows what else. Although I know that he will not be happy in the big picture of things I guess it's just the thought or idea of him being with someone else that gets to me. I have my moments of panic too girl, and think i've got to be with him, but at what price? My soul? My self esteem? who knows in the end, my life? Megan, you are an amazing person and I wish I could sit with you and listen to your story and tell you that eventually we will both be okay again~~~ Thank God for you to be able to relate to me, and I believe everything happens for a reason. You are okay sweetie, and I'm okay too~~ It hurts like hell for sure, and I know we've both got a long road ahead but as long as we've got our dignity and our emotional health we are both better off without the damage these toxic men bring to us. I'm always here for you girl!
Megan5P Posted July 4, 2004 Posted July 4, 2004 Stargazer - we've got to keep in touch on this - you are the only person I have helping me get thru this. Reading your emails I have been able to come up a bit out of my bottomless pit. Knowing someone else knows how I feel and who's going thru the same thing is saving my life. Don't ask me why but I called one of his sisters and she was home so they are not all at the beach partying like I originally thought. I just called, she answered and I hung up. In a way this helped me. I then went and took a bath and thought ok, if he was distraught and missing me like I miss him and we talked to each other and got back together - what would it be like? Well I got to thinking and realized he'd be REALLY pissed at me for dumping him and would probably turn around and try to hurt me just as much - he'd lead me on then cheat on me or spring on me something mean and cruel just to drive that stake into my heart. Remember he warned me he can be "ruthless". Then I started remembering spending a weekend at his house and by Sunday how smothered I felt and couldn't wait to come home to my warm cozy home and be with my cats. He hates cats and that was another thing I feared - if we ever got married and moved in together he'd probably kick my cats. Your ex and my ex are probably really so damn miserable they don't know what to do other than pretend they are happy and are out chasing women. But what is the first thing us women ask guys when we meet them...."Are you involved with anyone and when was the last time you were in a relationship and what happened". Once these guys have the chance to start bashing us - these poor girls are gonna take off like a rocket. Our ex's are gonna unload their anger on the next poor girl (just like you said) and their pattern is going to repeat itself. My ex treated me the way he did because his mother divorced his dad when he was 13 - ran off and married another guy and didn't contact him again until 7 years later. His exwife cheated on him and left him for another man. He took all that out on me and will keep taking it out on other women to come - more so now that I dumped him! It's been 4 days for you and it's easy because he's still contacting you and you can just ignore him. The hard part is when he stops calling. The first 2 weeks after my breakup were easy because I was so damn mad. Then I calmed down alot and the remorse started getting to me THEN this week with his birthday and all the grief kicked in like a tidal wave. You said "The past two nights I have cried myself to sleep missing him so much it feels like I cannot breathe, and being so mad at myself for being so damn weak to even think this guy is worth my tears or my sorrow". Man oh man this is exactly what I've been doing too - this morning I had a breakdown and just bawled my eyes out. Felt a bit better afterwards. Girl, I'm going thru it too. You are so right - we'll be better off without them but boy is it hell getting over them. With your help I'll get thru this and I swear I'm going to make sure the next guy I fall in love with doesn't have all the qualities my ex has - plus I'm going to run when the red flags start going up - instead of hanging on thinking "But he bought me this jewelry, he must really love me I can overlook the fact he likes to buy porn magazines"...... I think there are types of guys who deliberately do things to see how much you'll put up with and how many times you'll take them back after they said or did something hurtful. It's a power trip for them - a game. Our ex's seem to relish making us feel bad about ourselves - it gives them an ego trip. There are so many sweet guys out there who are willing to treat us like gold. We have to tell ourselves we will love again and will be wiser in our choices. Our broken hearts will eventually heal - we can't stay like this forever!
Stargazer25 Posted July 5, 2004 Posted July 5, 2004 Amen to that last part sister! LOL It is so hard, and it makes it a lot worse because you know this person is toxic and really an a**h***, so it leaves you feeling not only lonely but also feeling dumb for having feelings for someone who treated you so bad. I know what you're saying as well about the red flags, I saw them ALL there, but didn't want to believe it, I was so wrapped up in him and found myself making excuses for his bad behaviour not only to myself but to my family and friends as well. They all told me that things would get worse, but I didn't want to believe it, I thought if I just loved him enough and just showed him often enough how loyal I was he would change. I even bought into him telling me at times how "strong" I was to be able to take his abuse. I think that is part of it that makes me so mad now, is he KNEW exactly what he was doing to me~~ and there was a lot of times I would get so angry I really felt like I was loosing my mind, and I would tell him (or more like scream to him) that he would NEVER break me as a person, he would NEVER break my spirit. However it really was and I believe is still his goal. There are so many times that I think about answering that call, and one of the last conversations I had with him he was saying to me (because I kept hanging up on him for being beligerent) "whats the matter can't you take it?" for the first time since i've known him (because I've heard him say this a million times before) I said to him "it isn't that I can't take it, it's that I don't HAVE TO TAKE IT" I know I don't deserve this B.S and like you I know if I went back to him it would be for a price I simply cannot afford, he would only be worse to me for leaving him to begin with and it would only tell him that the way he treats me is okay. Ugh! Thank God for work for me tomorrow, LOL sad huh? But it keeps my mind off things and keeps me busy. I'm cheering for you girl and for me too!
GROBBY Posted July 9, 2004 Posted July 9, 2004 Megan, It's very hard to do what you are doing. I wish you well, but I would consider one of these organizations: http://www.coda.org/codameet.html http://www.al-anon.org/ I have been through what you are going through, and believe me, it's easier with help and support. Good luck
Love2share Posted July 10, 2004 Posted July 10, 2004 I feel your pain. Especially you Stargazer. It's been a month since I broke up with my emotionally abusive ex. He started dating someone new 3 days after I broke up with him. I only knew this because I had access to his email and cell phone accounts. Talk about obssesion!!! I was hurt that he had been making me feel insecure throughout the entire relationship. And he had soo much control over me..that he boldly demanded I accept the other women in his life, after I discovered that he had cheated on me. He denied it. And said I was insecure. He assumed that I had no way of knowing what he had done, since I never told him I knew the password to his accounts. I never told him. I just asked him to confess his wrongfulness. But he never did. That's when I finally got the nerve to break it off. Trust me!! He called me a B*tch, a whore, and everything you can imagine. He even accused me of having another man and said that's the reason I was leaving him. After our break up, my ex kept calling me for the first two weeks, eventhough had a new girl, and was already telling her he loved her. He would send her an email to say how happy she made him feel. Then he would call me, crying, and saying how much he missed me. I knew he was just playing mind games. It took a lot of strength for me to ignore him and not respond to his messages. Eventually he called less and less. Strangely, although I wasn't answering or responding to him, I felt neglected when he didn't call me. To gain control, I changed my phone number so that I couldn't EXPECT him to call. So I no longer felt neglected. I REMEMBERED WHY I BROKE UP WITH HIM. Every day I feel myself growing stronger and stronger without him. I'm starting to dream and plan my future without him. Certainly everything he did wasn't bad. But I can't appreciate the good things right now while I'm healing from the bad things. Instead of throwing all of the photos and memories away, I put them into a box and sealed it tightly. Then I stored the box in a place where I don't have to see it or aknowlege it. In a few years from now, or after I've completely moved on, I hope to open that box and value the contents of it, because it is a very important part of my life. Stay strong my sisters !!!
Dixiecron Posted July 10, 2004 Posted July 10, 2004 Megan, I'm not a psychiatrist or anything like that, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but you may want to do some research on narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). http://www.suite101.com has some good information on that. Your story has chilled me to the bone, and sounds a heck of a lot like some of the things I have been through with the last girlfriend. To tell the truth, your ex sounds to me like a classic NPD type. Just my two cents. -Dixie
Megan5P Posted July 10, 2004 Posted July 10, 2004 DixieCron - THANKS for the website - my ex is very narcisstic and self absorbed which I think will make it impossible for him to ever have a sustaining relationship. Stargazer and everyone else who responded - here's an update on how I've been doing. As the days pass it's been getting much easier for me. I still have my moments when I want to send him a card or letter (I've written about five letters - poured out my feelings, then deleted them off my computer). I've had panic attacks (usually these happen right when I wake up in the mornings) - I wake up and think about him feeling like "I've got to get him back - it was all my fault" but then I come to my senses. Time is helping. Plus I've been reading books on self-esteem and I've been eating right and exercising - which helps tremendously. I take late evening walks and that really has helped to clear my head and put things into perspective. I've also realized who really cares about me and who doesn't (family & friends). I'm doing things to improve myself and my life (looking for new job). It's been hard - some days I want to climb in a hole and cry. Everytime I think of my ex and miss him and start feeling low I tell myself that love shouldn't be someone who makes you feel bad about yourself or someone who puts you down. Love should be someone who is your best friend - who'd do anything for you. When I look at it this way I see how sadistic my ex was - for him to feel good about himself he had to steamroll over me. As time has passed (four weeks) I'm coming out of my obsessive behavior over him and starting to actually think "What did I see in him in the first place?" I think this is a sign I'm recovering and getting over him. I've also done this which helps alot. I tell myself "Ok, you get back together with him - what will it be like". Then I sit and think that it would go right back to the way it was and he'd be resentful and angry at me for leaving him in the first place and he'd probably be ten times more of an a**h*** because he would try to prove to me what a horrible person I was to leave him in the first place. Then I think of him talking badly about me to his mom and sisters and them saying "How could you go back to her?" and after I think of all that - I tell myself "You're better off with out him". My goal is to keep losing weight and get in great shape, feel great about myself - move on with my life and get my confidence and self esteem back, find a new job I enjoy. Eventually I will run into my ex (we live 5 miles apart) at Wal Mart or the grocery store.....and when this happens I will casually acknowledge him - show him he didn't destroy me - and walk off with a flair of confidence leaving him to think "Boy, I lost a good thing...". Whether this really ever happens or not - it's giving me the discipline to take better care of myself. He's not the only person who will ever love me again. I'm on the road to recovery! One good thing that's come out of this is I've done alot of soul searching and realize I'm a really good hearted person who cares about others and animals, people in need, etc. I was made to feel like such a bad person. When I first dated him he made me feel on top of the world. Then when it got serious he made me feel like the worst person in the world. But I refuse to let him have power over me any longer. I must improve myself and my life and gain my self esteem back. Thanks to all of you - your posts have helped me tremendously. I know I'm not alone and that is such a lifesaver. Stargazer - how are you doing?
jw32802 Posted July 10, 2004 Posted July 10, 2004 oh my god you guys, my ex is the same way, i think its called narcissitic commitment phobics. you should read about it on the lifted hearts website, it made me realize it! my ex would ALSO tell me about how perfect i was in every way and if i had my nose done id be the perfect package in the whole world. amazing how i just thought he was being 'HONEST' when now i feel so stupid. He would tell me how much he loved me though but it was a roller coaster, one day this, then the next day different.
jw32802 Posted July 10, 2004 Posted July 10, 2004 LOVE2SHARE Oh my god!!!!!!! my ex did the same thing! started dating IMMEDIATELY after we broke up but calls me to say he loves me and misses me and shows up where he knows ill be, but then i find out hes telling his new girl he loves her, takes her away and everything; she even met his family and I NEVER EVEN MET THEM after 2 years! he always told me they were rich snobs and he was humiliated by the way they acted in front of people because they were so "rich" that they came across as so snobby. i think this girl is the snobby type so maybe thats why he introduced her to them but it kills. but yes i got texts from him last week saying "I still love you, i have been thinkinga bout you all day, god i miss u" He told me he wanted me back and then i see pics of this girl at his house uuhhhhh so hard. Finally i just left him a closure voice mail and told him i wish him well but i cant do this anymore and i changed my cell number. he emailed me tuesday after 5 days and just wrote "bye luck" i think im disconnecting my email
Megan5P Posted July 11, 2004 Posted July 11, 2004 Isn't it funny when you step away from everything you really see clearly how these types of guys are? My ex's PREVIOUS relationship before me was with a girl that lasted 6 months. He met her, 4 weeks later slaps an engagement ring on her finger - she moves in, she moves out and it's over. Then he bragged to me that after he he slept with all these "psycho's". When we started dating I remember how surprised and caught off guard I was when he told me "I am falling in love with you". I thought to myself "How could you love me already you don't anything about me". Two months later he's taking me shopping for engagement rings. Then he started pushing marriage. These guys move in for the kill immediately and women like us who want the knight in shining armor think "Gee, he really loves me". We get sucked into their plans to conquer. It's all for their ego. I've learned that any man who falls in love this easily is BAD NEWS! I told my ex a gazillion times "You are always so focused on yourself, you never seem interested in me as a person". My ex had no clue what my favorite color was, what book I was currently reading or what I am like as a person". He was so focused on getting the relationship to go his way and his way only - I was more like a Stepford Wife. I fell for his romance because I was lonely and not thinking clearly. That won't happen again because I'm not going thru heartbreak like this again. Now I'm thinking clearly and instead of missing him I'm realizing how smart I was to dump him and not call him. He had me almost hypnotized into his controlling patterns. Some women get knocked down so much they can't break free of these types of guys until they're almost destroyed emotionally (I was getting there). Classic mind control is them saying little mind control things to make you feel bad about yourself. My ex was great at mocking me and belittling me. He liked country and western music and I'm an 80's girl. He'd make fun of MY music but his whiney pitiful C&W music was ok.... Or I'd go buy an expensive new perfume and wear it - he'd refuse to acknowledge it and would say "I can't smell anything". But at the grocery store he'd say "She sure has on a great smelling perfume". I knew exactly what he was trying to do. He'd be flipping tv channels and some chick in a bikini would be on - right in front of me he'd leave it on that channel. Or get this - when the "Girls Gone Wild" commercials are on he'll flip on that channel and sit there watching it right in front of me waiting for me to say something. When he acted like this I'd refuse to have sex with him because he'd turn me off and repulse me. Deliberately doing things to test me or make me jealous is the kiss of death and I told him so. I've realized that I don't really miss him - I miss the good times and the habit of having someone to do things with. I don't miss him and I don't want him back. I just miss the times that were good - somehow that's all you seem to remember after a breakup. But give it time - eventually he starts looking ugly again. I have started realizing now I can go hours not thinking about him. I'm laughing again and the depression has lifted. I am proof that if you just give it time - the fog lifts and the sun comes out again and your much better off without a narcisstic idiot in your life. I'd rather save myself more grief and work on ME. I'm going to make myself so damn beautiful and gorgeous I will attract the right kind of men who will treat me right. I'm not going to even think about another male until I'm so knocked out by ME, my looks, my knowledge, my life. I will soon be dripping with fascination and attract the right man. Looking good is the best revenge. So far I've lost 10 lbs. since I dumped him. Gettin' rid of all excess baggage!!! JW - don't feel stupid - they fooled us once but we won't let them fool us again. These guys are a dime a dozen. It's best to learn the warning signs now so we don't get involved with another one on down the road. I have a history of being attracted to guys who seem to be edgy and macho and who come on strong. NOT ANYMORE!!! It ain't worth it.
simplybrill Posted July 14, 2004 Posted July 14, 2004 My god...I think we've all been dating the same type of guys... reading this post, I couldnt believe my eyes,,,the self-absorbed fools, the comments, the attention-junkies, I just broke up with a guy who was just like this in so many ways,,,and he's only 20! This confirms the fact that he wont change, and nothing I could have done, or given to him from my soul could have changed him. the controlling comments, the looking at other women, im small framed and my ex would work out alll the time at the gym to get buff, but when I said hey - I went to the gym today, he would just dismiss it like "why do you need to go to the gym" in a bad way. He would change clothes once I got to his apartment to try to "show me up" in public, and he always, always had to be the star of the show, if you know what I mean - wherever we were...whether it be out with his family, with his friends... He acted like I didnt have friends, and liked reliving his highschool days, talking about how "popular" he was, and his wrestling days... None of my interests were ever important, he didnt know who my favorite bands were, he made fun of the rock music I liked, HE NEVER CARED TO ASK, and he was so superficial and shallow he was way too into making some kind of "image." He liked a lot of rap, and he's a white dude - come on. I think he was only dating me superficially for my skin coloring, because I should have heard this and RUN, but when we started dating he said that "he always ends up dating latin chicks" Its like I just filled a spot for him, and any latina would do! Speaking of that, its like he had a LOT of girl-friends who kissed his ass, and he would go to them when we fought (and like other people here's jerky guys)...they would stroke his ego. He even went on his AOL messenger and put up a stupid away message for them all to see and come running to make him feel better after we broke up the first time, and I called him on it, and he said "yea thats right, thats why I did it." Needless to say, I was shocked. goodness, there's so much to say... we hardly EVER went out with me, but he ALWAYS found the time to go out with his boys...he literally put everyone else in his life before me, and I just got what was left of him at the end of the day!!! He would go visit people in other counties and I guess at some point one of his girl friends that was " like his little sister" told him he should work out his chest more, so he was a workout fiend...and im wondering...why is this girl feelin up my boyfriend's chest?? and why is he taking her advice so heavily?? I think I stayed with him for so long (4 months too many!) because I was just in shock...he would say he loved me, and then BOOM, something soooo ridiculous would come up, I think I was too shocked to move. He was so quick to say I love you, but wouldnt back it up... He was so emotionally unavaliable, it was like once he thought he 'had me' he slipped into a routine almost...and was going through the motions for 3 months straight. theres so much to say...man...im so glad you girls are here to share with!!!!
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