he cheats with me?

[stern727]

I am 27 yrs old. I just divorced my exhusband after 9yr marriage. I am getting back into ths dating scene slowly. There has been this guy that I know has had a crush on me for years. He is friends with my ex as well as my group of friends. He has a recent girlfriend that moved from another state to be with him. We have been texting and sexting for several months now and it feels so wrong because I have never cheated with anyone not even my husband. I just know I like him a lot. I don't think it will go anywhere because he dosent want to break up with his girlfriend and he dosent want to get caught. I don't want a serious relationship right now because I am not ready. But I have needs. I just don't know what to expect from this. I don't want it to end badly for either of us. I want to continue being friends after or when it ends. Do I continue what we are doin secretly and hope one day something may happen? Do I end it now before it blows up in our faces in front of all our close friends? We haven't slept together but it seems its coming on fast. He's very sweet but who isn't sweet when they are given cake. He tells me things about how his relationship sucks but he wants to give it a fair chance, idk if I believe that all. But he seems to be honest and up front with what he expects at this moment and so have I. I have never been in this situation and now that I am single I don't know what to do. I wish it would work out one day but we both agree that we should wait for that one day to come around. I have seen him with several girlfriends over the years. I think weare both conflicted over the friends with the ex and other mutual friends. He also wants me to be friends with his girlfriend because she is new to the state and has made no friends yet, plus we could hang out more that way, but that dosent sound right to me either. She'll be my enemy if she ever found out and if I play nice with her now she'll hate me even more for lying to her face. Our kids hang out as well as they are both 8 yr old girls and have fun. So this is an extrememly complicated secret relationship that's confusing. I also hope he hasn't said anything to anyone but all I hear is how men gossip more than women and am not sure if he could be, but I don't think he would cause I don't think he wants to jeopardize his relationship he has. Do you think he has said anything? Do you think it'll end well? Do you think we'll stay friends if it does end abruptly? What are my best options here? I have to see him in my group of friends from time to time and think about what we are doin and its scary yet exciting. Help?

[Cracker Jack]

I honestly think you need to ditch this situation. He can be a sweet guy all he wants, but what he's doing is wrong. The sexting is simply the beginning of a potential sexual relationship between you two. The fact that he's willing to do this when he has a gf that just moved to be with him says it all.

 

You can have your needs met....with a good single man. I just don't see how any good could come out of this, even if you're only looking for some fun and nothing serious. If it feels wrong to you, then you know it's definitely not the wrong thing to do. Hopefully you won't continue to participate in something that's very likely to hurt someone once it crosses that certain line.

[Trimmer]

We have been texting and sexting for several months now and it feels so wrong because I have never cheated with anyone not even my husband.

Respectfully, you can't really say that any more, can you?

 

I just know I like him a lot. I don't think it will go anywhere because he dosent want to break up with his girlfriend and he dosent want to get caught.

If you are sexting with him while he has a girlfriend, do you think she would consider that it hasn't "gone anywhere?" I know what you are saying - it won't go anywhere serious, but don't fool yourself and use that cover to try to convince yourself it hasn't gone anywhere inappropriate yet...

 

But I have needs.

I understand and acknowledge, but I ask: is having needs enough to justify poor behavior?

 

I just don't know what to expect from this. I don't want it to end badly for either of us.

OK, you need to hold on to that point. I'm going to assume that's a requirement for you, non-negotiable. Now let's look and see how that helps you answer your other questions...

 

Do I continue what we are doin secretly and hope one day something may happen?

Almost anything that "happens" will be associated with something ending badly - for example, his girlfriend finding out about you. So if you want to guarantee that it doesn't end badly, you probably don't want to continue in secrecy.

 

Do I end it now before it blows up in our faces in front of all our close friends?

Well, by the definition implied in your question, if you don't then it will blow up in your faces. And that would be "ending badly" which you have said must not happen. So yeah, the "end it now" would be consistent with your requirement....

 

We haven't slept together but it seems its coming on fast. He's very sweet but who isn't sweet when they are given cake.

Ha - that's a very good point!

 

He tells me things about how his relationship sucks but he wants to give it a fair chance, idk if I believe that all.

Aren't you insulted by that? Like that relationship - which sucks no less - deserves a fair chance. So you can be no more than the twinkie on the side, and doesn't that seem like an even lower position that his girlfriend, from his relationship that "sucks"? Yecch...

 

But he seems to be honest and up front with what he expects at this moment and so have I. I have never been in this situation and now that I am single I don't know what to do.

Yeaaah... the usual guideline for singles is to only f*** around with other singles. It was in a memo somewhere, I think.

 

He also wants me to be friends with his girlfriend because she is new to the state and has made no friends yet, plus we could hang out more that way, but that dosent sound right to me either.

Auuuuughhh! Double ICK! Doesn't this guy make your skin crawl? Even if you don't care whether his girlfriend deserves better, don't you believe that you deserve better treatment than this? It's like a weird power trip thing, to add a layer of humiliation (to his girlfriend) on top of his infidelity.

 

She'll be my enemy if she ever found out and if I play nice with her now she'll hate me even more for lying to her face.

Ya think?

 

Our kids hang out as well as they are both 8 yr old girls and have fun. So this is an extrememly complicated secret relationship that's confusing.

It's not actually that complicated. If you continue, it is guaranteed to stay confusing. If you stop, and have a little self-respect, you can pretty much guarantee the confusion stops.

 

I also hope he hasn't said anything to anyone but all I hear is how men gossip more than women and am not sure if he could be, but I don't think he would cause I don't think he wants to jeopardize his relationship he has. Do you think he has said anything?

Absolutely no way for us to give you any useful answer to this.

 

Do you think it'll end well?

Not if you continue. You will continue to find excuses to keep going, and the only thing that will stop will be a catastrophe. A catastrophe that will affect some children as "collateral damage." So no, I don't think it will end "well."

 

I have to see him in my group of friends from time to time and think about what we are doin and its scary yet exciting. Help?

Push the fast-forward button, and imagine continuing the relationship (in secret) and the probability of it not ending well. Imagine yourself and your life after such an ending (the girlfriend knows, your friends are all hearing rumors about your role, the kids know something is wrong) Is the excitement you are getting now worth that price later?

Edited June 24, 2012 by Trimmer

[stern727]

thank you so much! i guess i just needed outside input to get my head on straight. i havent been able to talk to my friends about this situation obviously because they all know him. what you said really helped thankyou!

[Ninjainpajamas]

This all looks all good and romantic from foolish inexperienced eyes, but trust me...you're probably not the first girl or the last he's done this with.

 

Don't believe anything this guy says, especially the bit about just "giving it a shot with his current relationship" awwww what a sweet guy...NOT! that's what every guy says to another girl that he's interested in sleeping with...you never hear "oh it's wonderful I'm so in love with her and want to spend the rest of my life with her...but hey can we have sex?" so recognize that is the normal pitch, don't put this guy above that.

 

Secondly don't be a fool and hope that something will come out of this for you...this is extremely and highly unlikely, chances are that this relationship is going somewhere which is why she moved down...are you just ignoring what's actually going on in front of your eyes? and then he wants you to hang out with her so that you can become besties? please, that's a typical situation of him trying to ring this little circle in closer...one so he can spend time with you and screw you without getting in trouble, and secondly gain some brownie points with his gf and keep this relationship a secret as he builds her trust and you play along.

 

It's a shame you wouldn't think this guy would do the same to you, he doesn't value or respect his current relationship and he basically shouldn't be in it...but since he can get away with everything he figures he might as well do it. The whole playfulness and teasing with you is just a way of him stroking his own ego and building tension so that you'll crumble easier when "it just happened" and he ends up with his penis in your vagina.

 

Then after you do that a few times you'll become attached, he still won't want to live his gf..you'll be become frustrated, hurt and wish you never did it and he'll have to do damage control and then be some honorable guy to cut you out of the little circle and say he can't do this with you...he's actually going to try things with his current relationship.

 

This whole fantasy is appealing and scary because it's risky but in the end this is exciting for him and nothing for you to gain out of it and it will likely ruin your "friendship" if thats the BS you even want to call it...he's always had you in his sights and now he just wants the satisfaction of having you for a short while.

 

Safe yourself from the drama and just keep your life simple, don't get sucked into his game he is playing like you have been and put your foot down. If he wants to be with you then tell him to end his relationship...actually tell him If he's not happy in his relationship then figure that out first what he wants to do there. All you're going to do is develop emotions then get burned...then where did that get you?

[stern727]

the feed back is awesome! i need people to give me good advice! my moral compass is like spinning in circles.

 

to answer some questions given me earlier, no my needs do not justify poor behavour! of course i deserve better treatment. i can go out and find that treatment easily but i do not want a serious relationship. so the one or two sexts we have had has been enough for me to stay focused on myself and mylife. i understand the memo ha, and i am seriously disgusted with myself for doing what i have done! but the convience of it all was so easy and thrilling to turn down at the heat of the moment, especially because i had fantasied about him for the last several years we have known each other and then i became single and he started texting me... no excuse i know!!

 

so i plan on ending this, but when we hang out in the future because thats inevitable it will still be confusing and awkward i suppose. i still do not know if becoming friends with the gf is a good idea even if there is no more secret communication between us. shes a part of the group dynamic now and ignoring her would feel rude. do you think we can keep what we have done already a secret that wont get out somehow? the attraction is still there and he is still a good friend. how do i end it without making any rifts between us, and ultimately everyone else we know? how do you end an affair silently, quickly and without hurting feelings and ultimately without getting burned?

[Ninjainpajamas]

the feed back is awesome! i need people to give me good advice! my moral compass is like spinning in circles.

 

to answer some questions given me earlier, no my needs do not justify poor behavour! of course i deserve better treatment. i can go out and find that treatment easily but i do not want a serious relationship. so the one or two sexts we have had has been enough for me to stay focused on myself and mylife. i understand the memo ha, and i am seriously disgusted with myself for doing what i have done! but the convience of it all was so easy and thrilling to turn down at the heat of the moment, especially because i had fantasied about him for the last several years we have known each other and then i became single and he started texting me... no excuse i know!!

 

so i plan on ending this, but when we hang out in the future because thats inevitable it will still be confusing and awkward i suppose. i still do not know if becoming friends with the gf is a good idea even if there is no more secret communication between us. shes a part of the group dynamic now and ignoring her would feel rude. do you think we can keep what we have done already a secret that wont get out somehow? the attraction is still there and he is still a good friend. how do i end it without making any rifts between us, and ultimately everyone else we know? how do you end an affair silently, quickly and without hurting feelings and ultimately without getting burned?

 

As a woman...one thing you'll never have to worry about is getting your "needs" fulfilled...you have plenty of options to do that, you should be excited about that...there's men out there that would be happy to pound you into oblivion If that's all you're looking for that are attractive and single. You can really take this time to just be relaxed and not have these over the top expectations of trying to jump into something super serious...and if it happens it happens, that's usually the best mentality anyway but with managing the men you do engage with sexually first and all of that.

 

So you really don't need, there really isn't any good reason for you to get involved especially when this guy has a GF and your daughters play together.

 

Simply tell him that you're not interested in anything progressing or happening, you want a platonic relationship out the respect for yourself and his relationship...you would never feel right with your own morals crossing the lines and hurting someone like that and basically going behind someones back because you would hate for someone to ever do that to you and hope they would have the same consideration. Tell him you think he needs to focus on that relationship, and If that doesn't make him happy he needs to get out of it...or If he truly feels it's worth the investment then put in the energy and focus to make it work.

 

You're making him be the man he should be...you're probably doing a huge favor for his own character and also gaining respect for yourself and that he will have for you...because trust me, If you were to go through with this and be on the sly he wouldn't respect you for that...he would think you are a pushover and he was able to seduce you into this situation, it's a huge ego boost for men to accomplish this but it's only temporary.

 

Disconnect, act platonic after this...stick to your morals, remind yourself of why it isn't the right choice for you and don't get into situations with him and near him that would tempt you make a stupid decision. Stand up for yourself, this is more than about him...this says what kind of person and character you truly have...don't let the temptations rule over who you are truly are and what your real values are...be strong enough to stand your ground...you'll feel better about yourself for it in the end.

[YellowShark]

He's a cheating greaseball manipulating 2 women. You, and his poor unsuspecting girlfriend.... (who just moved states to be with him.)

 

If the roles were reversed you'd be the unsuspecting girlfriend.

 

Ditch this manipulating douchebag. You won't regret it in the end.

[Radu]

I am 27 yrs old. I just divorced my exhusband after 9yr marriage. I am getting back into ths dating scene slowly. There has been this guy that I know has had a crush on me for years. He is friends with my ex as well as my group of friends. He has a recent girlfriend that moved from another state to be with him. We have been texting and sexting for several months now and it feels so wrong because I have never cheated with anyone not even my husband. I just know I like him a lot. I don't think it will go anywhere because he dosent want to break up with his girlfriend and he dosent want to get caught. I don't want a serious relationship right now because I am not ready. But I have needs. I just don't know what to expect from this. I don't want it to end badly for either of us. I want to continue being friends after or when it ends. Do I continue what we are doin secretly and hope one day something may happen? Do I end it now before it blows up in our faces in front of all our close friends? We haven't slept together but it seems its coming on fast. He's very sweet but who isn't sweet when they are given cake. He tells me things about how his relationship sucks but he wants to give it a fair chance, idk if I believe that all. But he seems to be honest and up front with what he expects at this moment and so have I. I have never been in this situation and now that I am single I don't know what to do. I wish it would work out one day but we both agree that we should wait for that one day to come around. I have seen him with several girlfriends over the years. I think weare both conflicted over the friends with the ex and other mutual friends. He also wants me to be friends with his girlfriend because she is new to the state and has made no friends yet, plus we could hang out more that way, but that dosent sound right to me either. She'll be my enemy if she ever found out and if I play nice with her now she'll hate me even more for lying to her face. Our kids hang out as well as they are both 8 yr old girls and have fun. So this is an extrememly complicated secret relationship that's confusing. I also hope he hasn't said anything to anyone but all I hear is how men gossip more than women and am not sure if he could be, but I don't think he would cause I don't think he wants to jeopardize his relationship he has. Do you think he has said anything? Do you think it'll end well? Do you think we'll stay friends if it does end abruptly? What are my best options here? I have to see him in my group of friends from time to time and think about what we are doin and its scary yet exciting. Help?

 

So she is new to the state, has a child in tow, and brought the child to move in with this guy.

This child is friends with your own child.

 

I'd say you are a horrible human being who is uncapable of empathising with another human's situation.

I would say you are immature to boot, if you weren't so calculated.

 

OP, keep going in this direction, the world needs more sociopaths ... in the shape/form of those 2 girls.

The post leads me to think that the person behind it is dangerously close to that label anyway.

 

PS: If my post stirred some emotion in you, GOOD ... you need some form of moral bearing.

I hope you end up doing the right thing [and in my mind this includes blowing the lid on this cheating scumbag to his gf].

Edited June 24, 2012 by Radu

[stern727]

oh no no the child is the mans from another relationship. the GF has no children. and its not the first GF i have seen come and go. obviously he cant keep them around and i guess thats not a good thing anyway. i just dont think he has found the one for him. not that i am the one.

 

i have been a perfectly fine type of person my whole life up until now, i had a wonderful 9 yr marriage right outside of highschool with no infidelity on either of our parts, it just grew apart as we grew older. and now i have been pushed out into this world and i have not yet stood on my own. i suppose i just fell into a trap of emotions i wasnt expecting and am disgusted with the situation, obviously because i am seeking advice!

 

and like i said later i want it to end. just the right way. where everyone still gets along in the end. how do i do that?

[stern727]

I hope you end up doing the right thing [and in my mind this includes blowing the lid on this cheating scumbag to his gf].

 

I dont think i am the one to blow the lid on him, i would be blowing the lid on myself as well. who purposly sabatages themselves in front of everyone they know? i am ending this engagement with him. and i want her to find out he isnt faithful but i am not the one to do it and i am the only one with evidence he has done anything. so i dont think she'll ever know unless he says something to her.

[SpiralOut]

If I were in your position, I would pull aside one of my closest friends and tell her what's been going on. Whenever his cover does get blown (if it does) you don't want it to come as a complete shock to everyone or even be placed in a position where he tries to make it look all your fault. You also need someone in real life, besides yourself, who will hold you accountable for your actions. Knowing that your friend knows gives you another reason to stay away from him.

 

You are asking how to end it the right way? Just don't respond to his texts anymore. Find someone else to date. Ask one of your friends to set you up with someone, or try online dating, something. If you can get your needs met somewhere else, you won't want this guy anymore.

Edited June 25, 2012 by SpiralOut

[stern727]

so i told him we should stop earlier today and that he should respect his GF and figure out what he wants in his relationship! he said he thought the same thing but i beat him to it.. yeah right! thanks everyone it did really help me finally do it! i do need someone to hold me accountable. at the moment its just me myself and i. i dont no if i can tell anyone about it though, that would start rumors and then it would get out. all my friends are married and i am recently single and they would tell their significant other immediately after i told them about it, and then my ex would find out and then everyone. so i am screwed in friends keeping secrets for me. i have told 2 people that arnt associated with the group, but if he does blame me those 2 friends wont really do any good.

 

so to say, i have cleared up the mess the best i can at the moment. any other advice is always appreciated.

[veggirl]

You should go No Contact on him. if you continue to talk to him he will worm his way back into your life with the sexting and all that crap. Have self-respect, don't be somebody's toy on the side.

[stern727]

no contact will be hard to do being bbq's, pokergames, camping trips, kids playdates and so on. I will avoid him the best i can and not be put in a bad situation around him. thankyou, strangers have been the best advicce i have gotten. i will try my best. but like i said its been a long term friendship for years and that wont change unless i change my entire life. so it'll be difficult to do but i will try my best. i have self respect just the divorce made me feel down and depressed with myself, going through the mourning process. so he crawled in under my radar and hit me with emotions i wasnt expecting. i said no and will continue to say no! heres to self control!!

[Trimmer]

so i told him we should stop earlier today and that he should respect his GF and figure out what he wants in his relationship! he said he thought the same thing but i beat him to it.. yeah right!

I'm glad you are suspicious of his "I thought the same thing..." line. Maybe he did think the same thing, but one thing is for sure: he will never be able to prove that he had the morals and the balls to stand up and say it first. For all we know, it's just as likely that he just blurted that out on the spot, like a parrot, to try to save face.

 

But one advantage, is that instead of him saying "whatever..." and then coming back and knocking on your door in another month trying to pick it up again when he gets bored, whether he truly believes it or now, he's essentially put himself on record claiming that his behavior was wrong. That could help you in the future, in case he ever does come back and make any kind of an overture - at that point you can throw his own words back in his face: "remember, you said this was wrong...."

 

i do need someone to hold me accountable. at the moment its just me myself and i. i dont no if i can tell anyone about it though, that would start rumors and then it would get out. all my friends are married and i am recently single and they would tell their significant other immediately after i told them about it, and then my ex would find out and then everyone. so i am screwed in friends keeping secrets for me. i have told 2 people that arnt associated with the group, but if he does blame me those 2 friends wont really do any good.

First thought: with you being single and him having a girlfriend, he's got more to lose than you do. So as long as you keep it under wraps, it seems like there's NO advantage whatsoever for him to let the cat out of the bad. So you may be OK there.

 

Two other thoughts, though:

 

(1) You must stop, and you must stop completely. If you hope to have this be a thing in the past, then it must remain completely in the past. You must not allow it to be a "back burner" thing that is slowly simmering, and you must not cultivate any kind of inappropriate behavior. And this will be slightly harder because of my next point.

 

(2) Although not everyone here will feel the same, I understand your desire to keep it secret. But here's the thing: you said you need someone to hold you accountable. I agree. And there is nothing that holds affair partners to accountability than when the people around them know what has been going on. Because then, it becomes obvious when they begin to slip back into inappropriate behaviors, because they have to answer for them.

 

By keeping things secret, you won't have that built-in layer of accountability. It will still be possible to start out with "being friends", but to gradually "boil the frog" - to very slowly creep back towards the inappropriate stuff. It may happen without you noticing, or you may notice but deceive youself: "we haven't really done anything wrong yet... we're just friends."

 

And indeed, that's exactly why some people fight to keep affairs secret even after they stop them - it allows them the possibility of picking it back up again at some level, where if it had been exposed, that would have been unequivocally shut off.

 

So here's the thing: I understand your desire to keep it under wraps, but do you understand that you cannot use that as "cover" to pick it back up with him at ANY intimate level at all? You will be riding on very thin ice here. I think you should use the following idea, as a yardstick for your behavior: pretend that your inappropriate relationship with him WAS discovered, and that his girlfriend and your social circle found out about it. If you want to see if something would be OK to do, think about whether it would be OK in that world: could you all be at a barbeque together? Probably yes. Could just the two of you meet up for a platonic drink some time after work? I doubt that would be well received by his girlfriend, or well looked-upon by your social circle.

 

So you see, you have to realize that damage has been done. His relationship with his girlfriend has been damaged - even if she doesn't know about it - and your long-standing friendship with him has been damaged. There's no "unringing the bell" on either of those things.

 

As you move forward, even if the damage is not publicly recognized, then if you really want to hold yourself accountable in an honest and moral way, then don't allow yourself to behave with him as if nothing ever happened - as if that damage was never done. Even if nobody else knows, and you could "get away" with just acting like nothing happened, I think you should be extra conservative, and moderate your behavior in recognition of that damage.

 

Think of it this way: if he's not going to give his girlfriend the benefit of learning the truth about his behavior, so that she can really see who she is giving her heart to, and you won't tell her either, then can you show her some kind of respect? At minimum, don't you owe her a debt of staying way far on the safe side of the line, as far as her boyfriend is concerned?

 

I guess to summarize what I'm saying - I'm pretty sure we won't be able to convince you that his girlfriend should know about his transgression. But then if you really are looking to hold yourself accountable in a moral and ethical way, shouldn't you take a very conservative approach in your behavior? And isn't it a reasonable test to say: how would I behave - to what standard would I be held - if we had been discovered?

 

That test will tell you whether you're really taking a moral stance, and just keeping it secret so as not to mess up people's lives, or whether you're keeping it secret in the hope of sparking it up again... Which person are you?

[Trimmer]

Thought I was editing and it double posted instead... Deleted.

[Radu]

oh no no the child is the mans from another relationship. the GF has no children. and its not the first GF i have seen come and go. obviously he cant keep them around and i guess thats not a good thing anyway. i just dont think he has found the one for him. not that i am the one.

 

i have been a perfectly fine type of person my whole life up until now, i had a wonderful 9 yr marriage right outside of highschool with no infidelity on either of our parts, it just grew apart as we grew older. and now i have been pushed out into this world and i have not yet stood on my own. i suppose i just fell into a trap of emotions i wasnt expecting and am disgusted with the situation, obviously because i am seeking advice!

 

and like i said later i want it to end. just the right way. where everyone still gets along in the end. how do i do that?

 

 

Oh poor you, pardon me ... go ahead and do this, you deserve it.

You deserve messing up 3 human beings because you can get to live a little wild.

And you deserve not getting involved in this drama and indirectly hurting this other girl because hey, she is no friend of yours anyway.

 

OP, i'll be blunt.

You are not someone anyone would want as their friend.

Your rationalizations allow you to do horrible deeds, and unless you get some form of moral bearing in place, you will f*ck up those 2 girl's lives and that innocent GF's life.

 

You want to live wild, live wild.

There is nothing to stop you from getting a FWB, you are approached by guys quite often anyway, but do not try to rationalize away the hurt you will inflict to others because of your selfish wants.

You need to continue the NC with this guy, and keep the texts with him pursuing this just in case it gets to a perception role.

Though tbh, all of your friends will blame anyway, because you knew he was taken.

In fact, i'll even go as far to say that the way you behaved with this guy [if it gets out] will end up causing trouble in their marriages.

 

I certainly wouldn't want my wife to associate and be friends with a girl who just divorced and who was the OW.

And if you decide to go wild with the FWB thing, i would keep it a secret from the girlfriends, unless you want to cause some future GIGS in them and break marriages.

[stern727]

I think the girlfriend should know about it. I would of wanted to know if my husband was doing the things we did, even if nothing physical did occur, the emotional connection did. But like Radu said everyone will blame me because I did know he had a GF, so I am conflicted in saying anything at all. I would rather leave it alone so as not to mess with peoples lives, being everyone I know and he knows.

And if Radu wants to say I was living wild in this affair than go ahead, but then again its the only time I have ever done so and dont agree as of being a wild type of person. yes the excitment was there but so was the guilt.

It was very selfish of me to have participated in this act. but it takes two to do so, not justifing. I have never wanted to cause anyone pain or suffering on my behalf. This was a couple month thing that I did once and regret and stopped as of yesterday, I know the damage is done to our friendship and her relationship (even if she dosent know it) and it can not be taken back. People make mistakes and I do learn from the ones I make, I am not the kind of person to repeat bad behavour. I will not forget and I will stay as far away from him as possible. I do not want it to spark up again. Thank you Trimmer, your thoughts were extremely well recieved- I dont like thin ice! Everyones a work in progress just in different areas of life!

[Radu]

I think the girlfriend should know about it. I would of wanted to know if my husband was doing the things we did, even if nothing physical did occur, the emotional connection did. But like Radu said everyone will blame me because I did know he had a GF, so I am conflicted in saying anything at all. I would rather leave it alone so as not to mess with peoples lives, being everyone I know and he knows.

And if Radu wants to say I was living wild in this affair than go ahead, but then again its the only time I have ever done so and dont agree as of being a wild type of person. yes the excitment was there but so was the guilt.

 

The living wild thing was in reference to having mentioned you were a good girl, you were with your ex from HS.

Reading your posts i did feel some rationalizing in the form of 'time to be wild a bit'.

A few weeks ago there was a thread where the women of the forum were discussing how long their slutty phase lasted and how many of them they had.

For some it's just a phase.

 

It was very selfish of me to have participated in this act. but it takes two to do so, not justifing.

 

Well, putting that but after it all gives me hope that you do look at this and see the hurt you have caused.

 

I have never wanted to cause anyone pain or suffering on my behalf. This was a couple month thing that I did once and regret and stopped as of yesterday, I know the damage is done to our friendship and her relationship (even if she dosent know it) and it can not be taken back. People make mistakes and I do learn from the ones I make, I am not the kind of person to repeat bad behavour. I will not forget and I will stay as far away from him as possible. I do not want it to spark up again. Thank you Trimmer, your thoughts were extremely well recieved- I dont like thin ice! Everyones a work in progress just in different areas of life!

 

Few ppl truly want to hurt other ppl.

For the rest of us who do hurt other ppl it's up to us to act after it.

Some ppl rationalize it away, some ppl own up to it and learn from what happened, i really hope you are the latter because the former is how convicts think ... ever wondered why the prisons are all full of innocent ppl ?; those ppl will rationalize the guilt away through whatever means.

 

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I know you disliked my tone but if it stuck inside your brain ... GOOD.

You will notice that on these forums there aren't many enablers and both me and the others who posted here were mostly thinking about the innocents in this whole situation as well as you [the kids and the gf].

[an6el]

respectfully, you can't really say that any more, can you?

 

 

If you are sexting with him while he has a girlfriend, do you think she would consider that it hasn't "gone anywhere?" i know what you are saying - it won't go anywhere serious, but don't fool yourself and use that cover to try to convince yourself it hasn't gone anywhere inappropriate yet...

 

 

I understand and acknowledge, but i ask: Is having needs enough to justify poor behavior?

 

 

Ok, you need to hold on to that point. I'm going to assume that's a requirement for you, non-negotiable. Now let's look and see how that helps you answer your other questions...

 

 

Almost anything that "happens" will be associated with something ending badly - for example, his girlfriend finding out about you. So if you want to guarantee that it doesn't end badly, you probably don't want to continue in secrecy.

 

 

Well, by the definition implied in your question, if you don't then it will blow up in your faces. And that would be "ending badly" which you have said must not happen. So yeah, the "end it now" would be consistent with your requirement....

 

 

Ha - that's a very good point!

 

 

Aren't you insulted by that? Like that relationship - which sucks no less - deserves a fair chance. So you can be no more than the twinkie on the side, and doesn't that seem like an even lower position that his girlfriend, from his relationship that "sucks"? Yecch...

 

 

Yeaaah... The usual guideline for singles is to only f*** around with other singles. It was in a memo somewhere, i think.

 

 

Auuuuughhh! Double ick! Doesn't this guy make your skin crawl? Even if you don't care whether his girlfriend deserves better, don't you believe that you deserve better treatment than this? It's like a weird power trip thing, to add a layer of humiliation (to his girlfriend) on top of his infidelity.

 

 

Ya think?

 

 

It's not actually that complicated. If you continue, it is guaranteed to stay confusing. If you stop, and have a little self-respect, you can pretty much guarantee the confusion stops.

 

 

Absolutely no way for us to give you any useful answer to this.

 

 

Not if you continue. You will continue to find excuses to keep going, and the only thing that will stop will be a catastrophe. A catastrophe that will affect some children as "collateral damage." so no, i don't think it will end "well."

 

 

push the fast-forward button, and imagine continuing the relationship (in secret) and the probability of it not ending well. Imagine yourself and your life after such an ending (the girlfriend knows, your friends are all hearing rumors about your role, the kids know something is wrong) is the excitement you are getting now worth that price later?

 

 

well put!!!!

[stern727]

I am glad all of you picked the situation apart. that is why I wrote it here. I also have never wrote in a forum ever, so all these firsts are new and confusing, meaning divorce, affairs, forums, dating, and so on. so the advice i was seeking was just my own thoughts on the situation just descrbed by others, and it was what was needed for me to see to take action.

 

some one said i need to find someone new to date to forget about him. and i have been looking into that, i have not tried online dating before and i have started it, so i'm trying. just hard to get out and about while raising kids.

 

to radu i appreciate your criticism, i knew ppl would write things against me and i shouldnt take it too personally since no one truely knows me here. and i did kinda write an apologizing thread, but to ya'll it really isnt necessary, to myself is who i need to reflect my sorrys and forgive and forget on the situation.