Contumacious Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 My sons father and I just went through an aweful break up.we never had a perfect relationship but we had plenty good times to go along with the bad. When ever I bring up getting back together and working through our issues he says that we will never be together again no matter what, that he will never allow himself to be in a relationship with me again. I just wonder if people say these things and mean them now but change their minds down the road. We have a child so we will be in each others lives and no contact is not an option. His biggest hang up is that I wouldn't allow anyone to be at the hospital during the birth of our son ( including his mother and brother) I didn't want people there because I had a lot of anxiety and was really nervous about the whole thing. I also did not want to feel rushed into letting people come into the room after he was born. Looking back I know it was stupid and I have apologized for it numerous times but he is still very angry 19 months later. We split up when my son was 14 months. He said he tried to make it work once and will never try again. He drank a lot and was emotionally abusive and says that he was that way because of his anger. I just can't help but wonder what would happen if we tried again and learned from our past mistakes. He is not willing. But we will continue to be around each other and he wants to have a friendship so we can be civil and do stuff with our son together. So does he really know that say a year from now he wouldn't want to try again if we had a good friendship? Is it possible he will change his mind? I want a second chance. I'm trying to move on. He had a new gf right away who he is so different with and it hurts. He wouldn't be that way for his family. And it doesnt seem like acrebound either. He knew her for a while. So yea..what do you think?
MooBear Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 (edited) Honestly, I think he means never - I don't really understand why he got so angry about the birth, but obviously it was important and it sounds like he's shut himself off to you. His being angry is no excuse for being emotionally abusive towards you. Is he a quite volatile person, quick to anger? Because maybe you are better off out of the relationship. I know having a young child together makes it much more difficult, but from what he has said, I don't think he will be giving it a second chance. Yes people can change their minds but if he held onto that anger for over a year, he's not getting over it anytime soon. Being the person who was actually giving birth gives you the right to have who you choose in the delivery room - you should not have had to apologise for that at all. It really does sound like you'd be happier without him in the long run, sorry EDIT: I just saw your post in the Family forum - you need to stay away from him. Please don't ever get back together with him. To lay hands on you in front of your child is just disgusting. What kind of a man does that?? Not a good one!!!! You said you are sad that he and the new gf will have the life you wanted....they won't. They won't last. That kind of man never sticks around. However if you decide to move on from it, work on your self esteem and learn how to be happy, you WILL have the life you deserve with a man who loves you, and will love your child. Believe in that and be strong xx Edited June 24, 2012 by MooBear Saw post
hinatticus Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 I wish I could offer advice. I know how you feel. I'm a single dad now to a 23 month old. I would do anything to have a second chance. Im so heart broken right now. Your guy seems a little out there though. Good luck to you.
Author Contumacious Posted June 24, 2012 Author Posted June 24, 2012 Moobear, I know that I'm better off I just can't help but to think things could be different and it's all my fault to begin with. If I could have just not been such a bitch sometimes we wouldn't have fought. I should have let things go more. I just wanted him to be better for our family. As for the new gf.. If he is still holding onto anger towards me will that come out in his relationship with her? He said that our relationship changed him and now he is an angrier person. They seem perfect. Like nothing will ever go wrong. She's 20 with a five year old and she's growing pot in he home. They get high together and she drinks with him. Things I wouldn't do. And I wont do. I dunno my only other two relationships ended with the guy leaving for another girl and I feel like that has to happen this time too. I feel like he's going to be perfect for her. And yea it's bat for my son to be away from us fighting but he still gets time with his dad do he will still be around the pot. It scares me.
favoritepills Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 it's all my fault to begin with. If I could have just not been such a bitch sometimes we wouldn't have fought. I should have let things go more. No, it is not your fault! That's the kind of mental conditioning you get after being in an abusive relationship for so long -- that's what he wants you to think, that everything is your fault, that if he drinks it's your fault, that if he hits you it's your fault. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT HE IS AN ABUSIVE MAN. If you experienced anxiety at the hospital, he should have been understanding of your feelings since YOU were the one giving birth and you were under a lot of stress. Instead, he added pressure on you by making you feel bad for a reasonable request. I dunno my only other two relationships ended with the guy leaving for another girl and I feel like that has to happen this time too. This relationship was unhealthy. If anything, I think that you should talk to a counselor or a women's crisis center or support group to figure out why you have a history of dating men who are not good for you, and take steps to get your life back. When you're in a better place mentally and emotionally, someone will come along who treats you right. There are wonderful men out there! There are men who don't cheat, aren't alcoholics, can love you right, and can set a good example for your child. Please don't stay hung up on this one -- you truly are better off free from the abuse. What he did to you was inexcusable, and the good times are not worth all the really bad ones. I'm sorry I sound so frantic and impassioned about this. I came from an abusive family, and I realized that you truly do not know how good it can be out there until you've broken free from the cycle of abuse. It got better for me, and I hope it gets better for you and your child too.
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