Looking for reasons a 19 yo guy is not dating

[Solvable]

I have a 19 year old son who has never had a girlfriend, never had a single date… I am a bit worried and looking for ways to help him. That’s how I stumbled upon this forum.

 

I’m hoping some of the guys here can shed some light on this whole situation.

 

• Is there anything that could’ve helped you / did help you to get more comfortable with women?
  
• Is there anything your family could’ve done to make this issue easier to overcome?
  
• If you could get whatever you wanted to assist you, what would you choose?
  

 

I’m looking primarily for responses from young guys in the same situation, but would appreciate any constructive ideas.

[Titanwolf]

A) Talk to me about it. We never said a word about women or dating. ever. I went through school ignorant and confused at every obstacle concerning women. I have learnt now though

B) Introduce me to a fellow female member of a similar age. Then I wouldn't have been so dumbfounded in the presence of other females lol.

C) A female friend.

 

I didn't actually get a girlfriend till around 18. Up to that point, it was extremely awkward and my embarrassment surrounding the entire issue, led me to keep the issue from my mother. Plus I never got the impression that she cared that much tbh. Show him you're interested in helping him. I'm a fully functional young man now, who has no trouble speaking to women even during cold approaches.

[ThaWholigan]

Slightly older here at 23, in the same position.

 

I am sure that there is much that family can do in this situation, especially if he has brother's who are good with women and can help him a little. Perhaps encouraging him to be more social and do activities that would expose him to more women? I think it's rather touching that you have a vested interest in helping him. I'm not sure what advice ones in his position can give you, perhaps better asking other mothers with sons on this forum, but I'm sure we can still help .

 

I would talk to your son a little more about it. My mother talks to me about things, and tries to encourage me to have confidence and get involved with activities too.

 

I picked up a lot of hobbies, and went to university. I also had an incentive to study how to be more social with people, learn body language and attraction, and more than anything, learning confidence. How does your son feel about his current position? It would be great benefit if you reassure him that it's OK, and to stay positive despite this. Encourage him to be ambitious too, physically, mentally too.

[somedude81]

First thing I'd suggest doing, is talking to him about it.

 

Does he want to date?

Why does he think he can't get a date?

What is his general view on women and relationships?

 

Those questions should give a good foundation.

[Bob_Funk]

Female pickiness is the most likely culprit. If it's any consolation, your son's situation is actualy fairly normal nowadays. When I was in college, just a couple years ago, I'd say over half the guys there were virgins against their will. It was horible.

 

I'd advise your son to do everything in his power to jack up his looks rating. Hit the gym hard. Diet. The fitness model physique should be his goal. Plastic surgery shouldn't be off the table either. I know it's extreme, but hey, we only get one shot at youth.

 

There's nothing you can do except be straightforward with your son about the realities of modern dating. Girls will either choose him or they won't. And unless he's particularly good looking, chances are none of them will.

 

If none of that self improvement stuff works, there's no shame in paying for female companionship.

Edited June 24, 2012 by Bob_Funk

[Titanwolf]

Female pickiness is the most likely culprit. If it's any consolation, your son's situation is actualy fairly normal nowadays. When I was in college, just a couple years ago, I'd say over half the guys there were virgins against their will. It was horible.

 

I'd advise your son to do everything in his power to jack up his looks rating. Hit the gym hard. Diet. The fitness model physique should be his goal. Plastic surgery shouldn't be off the table either. I know it's extreme, but hey, we only get one shot at youth.

 

There's nothing you can do except be straightforward with your son about the realities of modern dating. Girls will either choose him or they won't. And unless he's particularly good looking, chances are none of them will.

 

If none of that self improvement stuff works, there's no shame in paying for female companionship.

 

Wow...there's some hard hitting truths here.

[Necromancer]

Female pickiness is the most likely culprit. If it's any consolation, your son's situation is actualy fairly normal nowadays. When I was in college, just a couple years ago, I'd say over half the guys there were virgins against their will. It was horible.

 

I'd advise your son to do everything in his power to jack up his looks rating. Hit the gym hard. Diet. The fitness model physique should be his goal. Plastic surgery shouldn't be off the table either. I know it's extreme, but hey, we only get one shot at youth.

 

There's nothing you can do except be straightforward with your son about the realities of modern dating. Girls will either choose him or they won't. And unless he's particularly good looking, chances are none of them will.

 

If none of that self improvement stuff works, there's no shame in paying for female companionship.

 

At the age of 18, i see that looks are almost EVERYTHING. unless you have some rare alpha traits that most guys don´t have.

 

If i want to get the ladies that i am looking for i have to approach TONS. ( i am getting better looking and i see how girls are looking more at me in public).

 

But the problem is most girls don´t give a **** about your cloths, it´s all about face.

[Sid6.7]

I appreciate you are wanting to help your boy out.

 

However, you are not the person to do it. A mother is not the person to teach a young boy anything about dating. No offense but you haven't the first clue how to start dating a female much less guiding him on how to attract the opposite sex.

 

This is a job for his father.

[somedude81]

At the age of 18, i see that looks are almost EVERYTHING. unless you have some rare alpha traits that most guys don´t have.

 

If i want to get the ladies that i am looking for i have to approach TONS. ( i am getting better looking and i see how girls are looking more at me in public).

 

But the problem is most girls don´t give a **** about your cloths, it´s all about face.

Of course clothes matter.

 

But for most guys, they don't if you dress normal. If you dress bad it will really hurt you.

[Necromancer]

Of course clothes matter.

 

But for most guys, they don't if you dress normal. If you dress bad it will really hurt you.

 

Maybe to much, but a good looking dude in t shirt and jeans will win average face in tuxedo 95% of the time.

 

Looks are mostly about face. Cloths are just a good bonus.

[gaius]

Wholigan had a good thought with the brothers. If he doesn't have one, get him a male role model that knows how to court women. Other than that just leave him alone, but listen to him if he wants to talk to you. I'm sure having his mom nag him about not being able to get a girl would just compound the embarrassment.

[Solvable]

Thanks for your response guys, I appreciate everyone’s input

 

I’ve never seriously talked to him about this as I didn’t want embarrass him. I realise I may not be the right person to try to help him directly - this is one of the reasons I’m asking questions here. There could be some other way.

 

As a mother I can’t really discuss his attractiveness, but somehow I don’t think his looks are the problem. He is an introvert, never had too many friends and is a bit awkward socially. He also has no siblings.

[jobaba]

Thanks for your response guys, I appreciate everyone’s input

 

I’ve never seriously talked to him about this as I didn’t want embarrass him. I realise I may not be the right person to try to help him directly - this is one of the reasons I’m asking questions here. There could be some other way.

 

As a mother I can’t really discuss his attractiveness, but somehow I don’t think his looks are the problem. He is an introvert, never had too many friends and is a bit awkward socially. He also has no siblings.

 

I echo the poster who said that you have to tell him that it's a tough game and that he needs to be aggressive and face rejection. He may scoff at you, but eventually he will appreciate it. You should have told him when he was earlier too.

 

Must be tough having a kid who does poorly with women. I would hate to see my kid go through that.

[FitChick]

I'm guessing there is no father in the picture. A perfect example of why women who say kids don't need two parents are wrong, not to mention selfish. Not saying that is true for you because I don't know your situation.

[Bob_Funk]

Another thing... it's understandable you'd be concerned this late in the game. But what about when your son was 14, 15, 16, 17? Those were crucial years when he should've been experimenting with girls. Not necessarily sex. But kissing and holding hands at least.

 

We put so much emphasis on kids' education and career prospects but completely ignore this equally important facet of their lives. If I had son in high school, you can be sure I'd be hassling him about more than grades. For instance, how many girls has he groped under the bleachers? It's a damn shame more parents (particularly fathers) don't take this approach.

[counterman]

When I was in primary school, I thought I was too young to date. Though I was interested in a few girls, I never did anything. Then in high school, I thought things would have been easier, but it wasn't. I was just too shy. While most people were pairing up and having lunch dates, I was keeping to myself a lot. It wasn't until I was 16-17 that I started getting out of my comfort zone and started talking to more girls. My first date was right after high school finished, at 17. I had this whole perception of what dating was: me being romantic and winning the girl over with grand gestures. I figured out there's more to dating than that... and I changed my whole perception of dating changed after my horrible break-up. Things are better now, I'm getting dates but one thing to note is that the only way things will happen is if you make it happen.

 

As a friend of a lot of guys in who are 21 and have never dated, I can tell you it's due to a lot of things. 1) They're afraid of rejection 2) Internet porn (this is a huge one!) 3) They don't socialise (get out of house enough), especially with girls.

 

I never had someone in my family to show me or talk to me about dating. It's fantastic that you want to talk to your son about this. You can just bring up the topic and ask him what he thinks, but others would give you better advice on what to do

[Solvable]

I am still married to his father.

 

But neither of us thought that we needed to do something about it until now. It felt a bit weird to get involved into that aspect of your child’s life I guess and we had also hoped that things will improve as he gets older.

 

I’d like to believe it is not too late and that there is something that can be done to make things better.

[jobaba]

I am still married to his father.

 

But neither of us thought that we needed to do something about it until now. It felt a bit weird to get involved into that aspect of your child’s life I guess and we had also hoped that things will improve as he gets older.

 

I’d like to believe it is not too late and that there is something that can be done to make things better.

 

Well. It's definitely not too late at 19.

 

Here's the thing. Does he want to date?

 

When I was his age, I fell for a woman so hard and she rejected me badly. I was so depressed I actually went to my parents for advice and they tried to give me advice, but they just didn't know.

 

I think if he does want to date, and he's willing to take advice from you or your husband the important thing to tell him is that he has to be aggressive and be willing to face rejection. If my parents had told me that instead of the 'it will happen, you will meet a gal going through the motions of life, and she'll like you for you' stuff, I'd be a lot better off today.

 

But who knows if I would have listened to them?

[Radu]

Thanks for your response guys, I appreciate everyone’s input

 

I’ve never seriously talked to him about this as I didn’t want embarrass him. I realise I may not be the right person to try to help him directly - this is one of the reasons I’m asking questions here. There could be some other way.

 

As a mother I can’t really discuss his attractiveness, but somehow I don’t think his looks are the problem. He is an introvert, never had too many friends and is a bit awkward socially. He also has no siblings.

 

Than give him some good books on body language, disguise it as 'help with future career'.

Allen Pease's book is pretty awesome.

[utterer of lies]

Looking for reasons a 19 yo guy is not dating

 

Porn and videogames.

[Radu]

If it makes you feel any better, i was your son.

I was a virgin untill 25, and girls played me like a cat plays a mouse untill i was 28 and i decided it was enough.

I wish my mom would have gotten involved like you are doing now.

Eventually when i did start to learn how to speak the social language i did talk with her to find out why she never did, turns out i shot her down when i was 14 when she broached the subject because i was insecure ... after that she never brought it up again.

Both of my parents and my siblings are very introvert, it's not something that will ever change

 

Porn and videogames.

 

You may be speaking the truth, but what if you lie ?

[Radu]

You can't help people who don't want to help themselves. When I was 18, I was miserable. I didn't understand girls, girls didn't understand me and they sure as hell didn't like me; they liked jocks, potheads, douchebags and people who were in a band. I thought my best play would be to get a degree, find a good job, get rich and then things would change, because I believed girls liked rich guys. If anyone at that point would have come to me and asked me why I wasn't dating, I would have told them they had no idea how the world worked and to **** off and leave me alone. If that person told me I had a chance or even gave me a step by step advice to get girls, I would have laughed in their faces, and on the off chance that I would have tried it I'm sure I would have sabotaged myself somewhere along the way.

 

Damn well said, and precisely my experience.

See here girls, if you meet a guy with few relationships/late bloomer, this is how he felt during those times.

[Ross MwcFan]

You may be speaking the truth, but what if you lie ?

 

As long as it's not excessive then porn and video games isn't going to stop someone from getting a girl, if that was the case, then most men would still be virgins.

[Algermas]

I have a 19 year old son who has never had a girlfriend, never had a single date… I am a bit worried and looking for ways to help him. That’s how I stumbled upon this forum.

 

I’m hoping some of the guys here can shed some light on this whole situation.

 

• Is there anything that could’ve helped you / did help you to get more comfortable with women?
  
• Is there anything your family could’ve done to make this issue easier to overcome?
  
• If you could get whatever you wanted to assist you, what would you choose?
  

I’m looking primarily for responses from young guys in the same situation, but would appreciate any constructive ideas.

 

He's not in the top 10% of men, nothing you can do.

[Ninjainpajamas]

He's only 19...that's still kind of the infancy of the stages of where you actually develop as an adult. However it is kind of a important time to become acquainted with women as It's a learning and developing process, but it's not the end of the world.

 

Unfortunately If he hasn't had much interaction with the opposite sex at this point then it might cause him to fall deeper into an introverted state...I was a big introvert In my teens even though I played sports (which were huge at my schools) and started fooling around at 13 with women (mainly because of aggressive women, I was an innocent dove back then).

 

Anyway I think the way to get him to develop is really get him to socialize more, whether its with people you know or outdoor activities. He may be resistant however and you may need to first develop a more personal relationship with him...a mother should be more nurturing and encouraging imo and a father should be more guiding and understanding. Instead of talking to him as a parent, try to talk to him as a person he can relate to...share some personal things about yourself maybe or past experiences so he can bond and feel more comfortable talking about himself, you might always need to lead in this dance. Building the relationship with trust and non-judgment will allow him to open up more and get a lot of frustration off of his chest that he not otherwise talk to you about.

 

With young people you generally have to guide them in the right direction without making them feel forced or told what to do, you just kind of have to create situations and gauge their comfort level and be aware of their capabilities as they may become frustrated, distrusting and eager to retreat in particular with a introvert. Try to find common ground and interest, instead of making him feel like nobody understands him or could. Try to do something together, maybe you just you and him, and your father and him...get him out of the room or wherever he wallows, he might not like it or want to play video games all day or what not, but let him create a pattern and use it as a crutch to compensate for all the things he doesn't want to face.

 

Its usually hard for teens to open up or young people in general but If you keep the lines of communication open and build their trust and not come down with the hammer when you're not supposed to, just listen, then they'll open up, because there is a lot of things they want to say just don't feel comfortable, afraid to do it. Teach him how to communicate and be open instead of bottle things up (bane of many introverts) and he start to see the light on his own and want to change his ways where he may have been resistant before. Also try and encourage him or suggest a job where he has to talk to people or do customer service or what not so he gets used to that dynamic if he's really shy and reserved, I know my experience in support/sales really changed and brought out my personality because I had no choice but to talk and relate to people.