TheJiltedGeneration Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 (edited) so back again ... heres the update. for weeks I've been feeling pretty good, infact better than a long time, got a writting position on a gaming site as well as a writing position for a local mag which is cool but only these last few days I've relapsed alittle on the idea of I will never see her again, on the idea that I will be alone for a long time, and the emotions attached to not being with a woman until I have the confidence and constitution of being comfortable with myself and because I am not comfortable with myself I want someone to affirm my worth with a lover.. as you can see.. its a endless cycle its a mixture of emotions, not really having close friends or people who can make me feel good about myself but either browbeat or treat me at arms length as I am so neverous and without any esteem like I was a child..where sometimes I wonder if they bother because they feel obligated , the inability to find someone close who can bring the best out of me instead of bringing out my shortcomings,.... as well as the inability to find someone who will love me for me... who ever I am anymore... and i began to wonder how she was doing untill the one word entered my mind ... "enough" I dont want to get anxious anymore I just want to function.. I dont want to obsess anymore.. these are just feelings, they go, they ebb and flow, they change... so why let them make such a impression on me.. why cant I be stronger... enough... I though I had got to a point where I didnt need to return to these site on the account of knowing that staying here dwelling on the past is pointless and distructive that I tried to find work, enjoy myself.. and yet its not enough.. but really it is.. as my life isnt that bad.. so why jilted.. why are you so depressedd.. why cant u enjoy things anymore enough.. I feel blank and empty and life just seems to be a movie reel that goes on way after the main picture has ended (if that makes sence) but there is a future there is more moments where I can love life again... it just takes time.. a friend who I cant see often has invited me to a social event.. just try to take oppertunies ....but when it comes to feeling as if you will feel forfilled if u find love again.. well... sorry but... enough... stop it right now.. these emotions are adjunct and accomplish nothing..... enough... Edited June 23, 2012 by TheJiltedGeneration
MooBear Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 Congrats on writing positions!! The thought of never seeing them again is one of the scariest and most painful thoughts! However you are not psychic and you never know what will happen. Take it day by day. You're doing great so far! If this emptiness and depression has been going on for a while, perhaps you should visit the doctor? Maybe they can do something to help you feel a bit better xx
Author TheJiltedGeneration Posted June 24, 2012 Author Posted June 24, 2012 maybe.. tbh I thought I would grow out of these feelings as tbh I dont think about her that much anymore but this recent blip scared me alittle as it just came out of no where, maybe it was cause I didnt have anything to do at the time so my head was free to navel-gaze.. I dont know it just took me by surprise... the emotions have been less frequent but when they hit, they hit hard, its weird I am tottally of a different emotional bearing now than i was like 2-3 hours ago.. but yea if this does keep up even though I am ... well I wouldnt say I am completely over her but.. I dont think about what it was like to be at ground zero with her, all it gets to now is, shes gone but we were not compatible thats all u need to remember. just got to find them thats the problem.. someone I dont see often now due to her commitments said theres a sort of gathering with her friends this thursday which I might poke my head through ( she invited me) and see if we click.. wouldnt hurt, I am open for anything at this point I'll see if I feel like this again I'll come back on this thread here and be sure to post it.. it might help that I find a decent circle of friends, as I think part of it too is lonely ness as I am abit of a hermit and have not be productive reacently so if I balance a social life with a solo life.. who knows..
MooBear Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 A group of friends is a really good idea. Join one of those meetup.com sites and go to some events? Some of the groups on there are specifically for singles and they have an awesome time doing things from rock climbing to kayaking to pub crawls! Keeping busy is key And make sure you are eating well - diet affects mood a fair bit! You'll come good soon
Author TheJiltedGeneration Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 well just recently graduated from uni (the last instance where I would have seen my ex) but she did not turn up which I guess is for the best, but now a few days after.. I guess I kind of wanted to she her that last time. Its obvious that it wasnt for closure I mean when can closure really help with how you feel, but somehow without her on that day, I felt ...empty... I dont know why as it was clear (if u read my older posts) that she didnt care anyway but still.. want to get on with a few projects right now, got a article for a mag I need to get in soon and some practise questions for a interview I need to review as well as a viability review that got a deadline of aug the 10th for my freelance academy course.. but all energy is sapped. it was v.recent (graduation was monday) and very underwhelming but.. I suppose if I saw her on stage she wouldnt have batted a eyelid at me I suppose... don't want to stay a basket case, got to move on....
Author TheJiltedGeneration Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 (edited) I kind of thought about what maybe wrong with m not just right now but before even my meeting with her began but this really requires me to be really honest. (uncomfortably so I am afraid..) before I met my ex, I didnt really have a passion for life, which was really sad and I admit this. All I was really doing before I met her was waiting for someone like my ex to come along and make me feel that joie de vie. when she came to my life and when it seemed like love returned, she was my passion, infact she was my only truely felt passion... and THAT is really sad... it's scary more so to me ( I dont know what to think of myself than a sad young man.... I hate the truth.. but u know I really have to face it)., but I kind of realised it, why its so hard to move on, before her I felt nothing and now shes gone I feel nothing..... so really even when she wasnt there or I never met her, I was waiting for life to make me feel envirgorated. how do u feel passion when your apathetic towards most things? sorry if this is really a post that would lose alot of respect but I need to get over my feelings in anyway i can.. and this is a cat that really needs to come out of the bag in order to move on. Edited July 21, 2012 by TheJiltedGeneration
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