john7474 Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 Hello everyone, Recently, a relationship with an girlfriend has ended. I do miss her and have feelings for her but she stated her feelings have changed. She also stated that when a relationship ends, it is difficult to go back. At the begining, i made the tragic mistakes that most men make when wanting their ex back such as being overly emotional and needy. I realize what a mistake that was and the result was only pushing her farther away from me. My intention was not to jump back into a relationship with her but that would eventually be my end goal...I really wanted to get to know each other better and see if we really were compatible. I mean after all, there is a reason why we were together and we she did have feelings for me in the first place. I managed to get my emotions under control and have a few serious conversations with her but she was still unresponsive. I have been doing much reading on relationships and realized where our problems lie and communicated them to her in a email. Our main problem that I take some responsibility for is in communication. When we spoke again and shared a little, she told me she was not sure how to respond. I said I understand because I am trying to understand her feelings about our previous relationship. This weekend, I asked her to lunch and she accepted. I contacted her to next day to make tentative lunch plans and she told me that she didn't know if it was a good idea to meet up for lunch. I responded, I understand and if she would like to have lunch another time when she feels more comfortable. Her response was, "yeah that would be better" I am trying to be understanding of her feelings and am hoping she is starting to see that I have changed how I interact with her. Unfortunately, there is a catch, we work in the same place but in different departments which sometimes makes it more difficult, but I do run into her a few times a week. Please do not comment on the fact that we work together, it will not help the situation. It is possible that she is dating or seeing someone else but I really wish she would see what is in front of her, someone that cares for her physical and emotional needs and wants to have a future with her. Btw, we broke up just two months ago but she has been distancing herself for several months before that. I am not sure where to go from here..I am staying busy and changing things in my life including exploring education to start a new career.. What else can i do to let my ex see what is right in front of her?
k100danny Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 The thing is and i don't mean to sound harsh here, There is NOTHING you can do. If she want's to be with you she will come back, it is often hard for things to go back to how they were after a break up or some major change in a relationship. You may love her and love her more than anyone ever will but this isn't about you it's about her. You can think you are everything someone needs being caring and loving but that isn't the be all and end all of a relationship. if she isnt feeling it and her feelings have changed the sad fact is nothing you will do will make her want to be back with you, trying to solve the problem of where your relationship went wrong AFTER you split up isnt the best time to try and find out. This is one of the things i think people find hard with break ups, you don't always have to have done anything wrong and don't take this personally but you probably arent the one for her. trying to change yourself for someone isn't what you should be trying to do, If a relationship is hard work then something is wrong. In my honest opinion i would just leave it, play it cool and let things happen as and when they do. You will probably find out in a few months that you wasn't as happy as you thought you were either. If there is one thing i have learnt through my recent break up is if someone can be happier without you dont take it personally, if you love them wish them well and be glad at their happiness. sorry if this isn;t what you want to hear.
Author john7474 Posted June 24, 2012 Author Posted June 24, 2012 (edited) I must admit, i was feeling guilty for what i possibly did wrong but also realize it was her. She wouldnt communicate her needs to me even when i asked. The questions i always asked her always resulted in vague answers. I was not only tyring to figure out what went wrong in the relationship but trying to learn from it for my next one. She made it clear that she carried a lot of emotional bagage and i realize that she brought that into our relationship as she will with the next person. I dont wish her harm by any means. The thing is i asked her a month later if she was happy now that we were no longer together and her response was no. I guess for her, i am just on the long list of ex boyfriends she will have. she could never even answer as simple of a question as what makes you feel loved and cared for. it really is sad. Btw, i am not and would never change myself for someone else. I am willing to listen and understands others interpretations but the only thing that will affect is my thought process. Edited June 24, 2012 by john7474 added text
Gulf-Delta Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 You sound a lot like me dude. MAy I ask how long you were together? How serious was it? Were you guys talking marriage/family, did you live together?
Author john7474 Posted June 24, 2012 Author Posted June 24, 2012 We were together for a year and a half. We discussed that we both wanted msrriage and kids. We did not live together.
Gulf-Delta Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 We were together for a year and a half. We discussed that we both wanted msrriage and kids. We did not live together. Hmm. I'm curious to see what advice others will give. You and me sound really similar, except my ex and I lived together... I haven't heard many askers on here like us...a lot of the threads I've seen are started by people who's relationships sounded pretty ugly long before they ended. Curious to see some more responces.
Author john7474 Posted June 24, 2012 Author Posted June 24, 2012 Hey Gulf, My situation with my ex is confusing to say the least. I actually sick of thinking about it because it is at the point that I am obsessing about her. I realize the major problem in our relationship for me was a poor ability to communicate my feelings to her. From the begining, she told me that she carried emotional baggage that weighed her down. Back in September, I broke up with her because I was unhappy because I did not feel cared for or loved. This affected her in someway and she did all the things she knows I like to show me she cared for me and I still did care for her so I decided to try again.Things were good for awhile until December when we started to argue again or stupid things. In December, I told her I was emotionally unavailable to protect myself from getting hurt and she told me that she could not be in a relationship with someone that was emotionally unavailable. I decided to open up to her because I did care for her and love her and did not want to lose her. I had trouble expressing my needs to her sometimes and felt that caring for someone should be something natural that should not have to be explained. After some reading, I realized that is untrue and sometimes people need help knowing how to make you feel cared for. I also needed her to open up to me and show her volnerbilities so I could form an emotional connection with her that she also asked for. After we broke up, I went into deep thought about all of this and even asked her several questions such as, what does it mean to have an emotional connection? Her response was along the lines of, it just happens, it cant be described. I know she is confused now and does not know what she wants and I was letting her lead me around when she didnt know where she was going. I wonder sometimes if she only wanted to get back together in September because I broke up with her and she just wanted the power back to end things with me and she never really did care. I even asked myself, how i can get that power back from her but have no answer. It hurts to think that she got back with me for a power reason but it might be a sad truth. We still talk and see each other at work and I know she feels awkward around me and it is difficult for me as well.
Gulf-Delta Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 Hey Gulf, My situation with my ex is confusing to say the least. I actually sick of thinking about it because it is at the point that I am obsessing about her. I realize the major problem in our relationship for me was a poor ability to communicate my feelings to her. From the begining, she told me that she carried emotional baggage that weighed her down. Back in September, I broke up with her because I was unhappy because I did not feel cared for or loved. This affected her in someway and she did all the things she knows I like to show me she cared for me and I still did care for her so I decided to try again.Things were good for awhile until December when we started to argue again or stupid things. In December, I told her I was emotionally unavailable to protect myself from getting hurt and she told me that she could not be in a relationship with someone that was emotionally unavailable. I decided to open up to her because I did care for her and love her and did not want to lose her. I had trouble expressing my needs to her sometimes and felt that caring for someone should be something natural that should not have to be explained. After some reading, I realized that is untrue and sometimes people need help knowing how to make you feel cared for. I also needed her to open up to me and show her volnerbilities so I could form an emotional connection with her that she also asked for. After we broke up, I went into deep thought about all of this and even asked her several questions such as, what does it mean to have an emotional connection? Her response was along the lines of, it just happens, it cant be described. I know she is confused now and does not know what she wants and I was letting her lead me around when she didnt know where she was going. I wonder sometimes if she only wanted to get back together in September because I broke up with her and she just wanted the power back to end things with me and she never really did care. I even asked myself, how i can get that power back from her but have no answer. It hurts to think that she got back with me for a power reason but it might be a sad truth. We still talk and see each other at work and I know she feels awkward around me and it is difficult for me as well. Well communication could've played a role in your breakup. The better the relationship, the worse and more confusing the split is. My ex and I never had a fight, always communicated well, had amazing affection and trust...so to this day, I have no idea what her problem is. I've slowly started to realize I can't ever figure it out...part of the reason being she probably doesn't know. IMO, after 2 solid years of honesty, I still don't believe she'd purposly lie. The fact that there are no breadcrumbs or anything, from the kinda person she is SCREAMS "I have NO idea why or what I'm doing!" I've explained it all many times on here, so I don't need to go through it all again. No one here was there, no one knows her like I do, so I don't expect them to understand. Anyway, despite my getting off track here my point is, there's not really anything we can do. We can't make them come back. In my case, I rest well at nite knowing we made each other better people and had something really special and unique. I did my best loving her entire being with mine, and that's something that can nver be replaced and she will never forget that. If that sin't good enough for her, or she doesn't get why/how that's important, she'll just have to figure it out. You have to learn to stop analyzing, and trying to predict the future...and just let things happen. Reunions happen all the time. I've seen a thread on another forum...160 pages long of reunions. Your chances can't be quantified or calculated. It's all dependent on how strong the relationship was. There's nothing wrong with hope or wanting them. It's when you start expecting her to come back that you start hurting yourself. I don't know how to keep my feelings in check...it's hard. Exes come back all the time, especially when you shared a great love. That's why it's so hard to let go, at least for me. It's also difficult because WHEN they come back (evidently they always do for whatever reason) can vary so widely. I'd seen 1 month, 6 months, 1 year, 2.5 years, 10 years. Who really knows?
Author john7474 Posted June 25, 2012 Author Posted June 25, 2012 Hey Guys, Today is Monday and I have to go back to work. I had plans for lunch with my ex but she cancelled stated, she doesnt think its a good idea. I responded, I understand, would you like to go another time when you feel more comfortable. She responded, yes that would be better. Today I will see my ex at work and have to act as if everything is ok and I do not miss her. It is difficult because of all the feelings that stir up inside of me when I do see her. To make matters worse, I had a bad dream last night that I meet someone she has was being intimate which seemed like a real low life.
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