VandelayInd Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 Hey guys I just figured I would give an update on my experience so far. Not sure if all are familiar with my story or not but you can check out my thread from 3 weeks ago. Long story short though, I was with a girl for 2 years, the love of my life, broke up with me in September. I did not go NC, and for the past 8-9 months there was 3 seperate occasions where we would try to get back together and every time she would shut me down again. Every time we got back together things were like roses, she was talking about babies and getting married etc. and then boom its over like that sending me into a depression each time. So the last contact that I had with her was a month and 2 days ago. I called her and she told me "this is stupid, we cant talk anymore, this just isnt going to work". So off I go, deep into depression again. But with the help of all of you guys on here I heard about NC. From that night when she told me "this is so ****ing stupid to talk, I dont want to talk to you anymore" I have not Messaged her, called her, FB her, email. NOTHING. But here comes the wrinkle. A week after that phone call. I suddenly start getting a text from her. Then a phone call. Over the course of 5 days I received about 20 phone calls, and 20 texts. Some of the texts read as follows: "Im sad, I need you right now" "Weve been together for 2 years and you cant even answer me when Im sad!" "I feel like youre seeing someone, and if you are, I deserve to know" "Ive been thinking about you alot lately and how special you are what we had was" These absolutely killed me to read and not reply. But I didnt. So basically its been a month since I have talked to her and about 2 and a half weeks since she last reached out to me. I have been seeing a councellor for the past couple of weeks and I would recommend this to everyone. Trust me, you will know when you need some help from a professional. It is a great resource. So this is how I feel after a month... I still miss her, I still love her, but I couldnt take her back. Not after her breaking my heart about 4 times in 8 months. What has been my biggest stumbling block the past, well, 2 weeks is wondering whether I should have answered one of her phone calls, or texts. I discussed with my councellor, that I do have some regret over not answering one of the phone calls to hear what she had to say as she was so persistent with her calls/texts. And her reaching out to me so persistently did give me some weird sense of hope. But, I have been burnt so many times by this girl after replying to her when she was sad or alone that I knew not to answer. I must admit that it is hard to walk around with that little bit of regret that still lingers. I do still think about her but near as much. Very up and down days. And not only that, up and down hours. So that is where I am at now after one month of NC. Do I have some regret? Yes. Do I still have a little hope after her calling me? Embarassed to say yes, but I am definitely doing everything I can to kill those feelings and have no interest in reaching out to her as I know what will happen... square one. Im better but not even close to where I want to be. It is a process. I read this forum every day and am glad that we can all help each other and relate to what everyone is going through as it is all eerily similar. Finally, I am by no means a religious person but I do believe in God and my councellor told me something that stuck with me after one of my sessions and I think it is worth sharing: "Rejection is God's way of protecting you"
BB7 Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 Good on you, looking after yourself is key and you are doing it the right way. I think you did the right thing by ignoring her for now because she's baiting you as she did before because you aren't giving her the attention. If she truly wants you back in her life it's going to take longer for her to figure out than a few weeks IMO. You're healing and that is great to hear.
Author VandelayInd Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 Yes, I am healing, at a very slow place mind you, but healing nonetheless. It is very hard to control your thoughts during a break up and Ive come to realize that I am my own worst enemy at times. Over thinking things. The regret that I have is painful as I never know what could have happened had I answered one of the phone calls. But more than likely it would have resulted in the same old thing where I end up getting hurt. Breadcrumbs as they say. Another thing that is tough to deal with is that this girl is needy emotionally and physically, and in knowing her very well, I know that she most likely has a rebound guy. I know the way she is and if Im not giving her the attention then she is getting it from some other guy, hence, her not callling or texting me anymore. This girl is extremely immature emotionally. The frustrating part of it all is that, Im sure many of us can relate, even though she treated me like **** throughout this process it is tough to just "not care" anymore. I guess this is just all part of the pain of a breakup.
BDranger Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 You're not healing slow, theres nothing wrong with you. You are here just like all the rest of us - you are exactly where you should be, honest. So what your ex wrote you back: "Im sad, I need you right now" "Weve been together for 2 years and you cant even answer me when Im sad!" "I feel like youre seeing someone, and if you are, I deserve to know" "Ive been thinking about you alot lately and how special you are what we had was" There is something I've learned and that is how couples are able to remain couples. The secret is saying "what do you think?" The only thing I am seeing from your ex is "I I I me me me!!!" not once is your opinion ever asked or valued. Its all about them. You're doing yourself a favor. I know it may be difficult to completely accept this at the 1 month stage - I'm on month 4 and I think you're progressing VERY well. Hang in there, time flies, keep your head up. Remember that No Contact is for you! Don't let some girl determine who YOU are. 1
Author VandelayInd Posted June 25, 2012 Author Posted June 25, 2012 Having a bad day today. Lots of things going through my head. Mostly confused about everything and wondering why and how she could do this to me. Wondering what shes doing now, she must have someone else already, is he better than me, is she happier with him etc. These thoughts just keep weighing me down and keep pushing my confidence lower and lower. Was I not good looking enough, funny enough, nice enough. When my confidence gets low like this, is when I start devalueing myself and start thinking I was lucky to be with her and I wont find another girl as good as her. A downward spiral... Today is a battle. Hopefully tomorrow will be better!
Ruby65 Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Trust me, this girl is NOT the love of your life! You're going to do much, much better than her. I agree with the poster above -- she sounds extremely selfish and has been toying with you to gratify her own ego. Yuck!! Putting yourself down is natural when you're feeling low.... try to be good to yourself anyway. You're doing so well! YOU are the hero in this story -- if this was a movie, you're the one the audience would be rooting for. Keep going, you're doing GREAT!
Chi townD Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Dude, you are making great progress. Don't blow it now. These feelings that you are having is absolutely natural. Now, what changes have you made for self improvement? Have you got a new haircut/style? Do you have a new wardrobe? Did you join a gym? Are you attending classes? Have you been going out and reconnecting with old friends? HAve you planned atrip somewhere?
Author VandelayInd Posted June 25, 2012 Author Posted June 25, 2012 I just cant seem to get past the fact that she was trying to contact me so aggressively and I did nothing. Its so frustrating for me because SHE was the one who said we cant talk anymore and a week later shes calling me and texting me saying she doesn't understand why I'm not answering. HELLO you were the one that said we cant talk, do you not remember that from a week ago! I just seem to regret not picking up and at-least hearing what she had to say or at the very least tell her that SHE was the one who wanted all of this. Now that I didn't answer or pick up its almost like she can go on and see other guys "guilt free" because at the end of the day I didnt answer her so she can do what she wants. I feel like I didnt do the right thing by ignoring her all those days. I just wish this was over and I never met this girl. I also have this anxiety about being in the same city as her in September I really hope I am in a better place because it seems inevitable that I will see her out somewhere (small city). I feel pressure to get over her by this time and it's a terrible feeling. @Chi Town... I have been going to the gym everyday am in great shape, and have been seeing a counselor. I have been hanging out with friends, I have been drinking on weekends but I think I'm going to refrain from that for awhile. Makes me feel worse sometimes. Sorry for venting but today seems like a big step back for me. I feel like it's all my fault.
araja Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 I just cant seem to get past the fact that she was trying to contact me so aggressively and I did nothing. Its so frustrating for me because SHE was the one who said we cant talk anymore and a week later shes calling me and texting me saying she doesn't understand why I'm not answering. HELLO you were the one that said we cant talk, do you not remember that from a week ago! I just seem to regret not picking up and at-least hearing what she had to say or at the very least tell her that SHE was the one who wanted all of this. Now that I didn't answer or pick up its almost like she can go on and see other guys "guilt free" because at the end of the day I didnt answer her so she can do what she wants. I feel like I didnt do the right thing by ignoring her all those days. I just wish this was over and I never met this girl. I also have this anxiety about being in the same city as her in September I really hope I am in a better place because it seems inevitable that I will see her out somewhere (small city). I feel pressure to get over her by this time and it's a terrible feeling. @Chi Town... I have been going to the gym everyday am in great shape, and have been seeing a counselor. I have been hanging out with friends, I have been drinking on weekends but I think I'm going to refrain from that for awhile. Makes me feel worse sometimes. Sorry for venting but today seems like a big step back for me. I feel like it's all my fault. Sorry to hear what you are going through, VandelayInd. I'm in a very similar situation with 20 days of NC. I'm avoiding alcohol for a while while I heal as it's a depressant and make you feel like S***, even if it's numbs the hurt initially.
Author VandelayInd Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 Sorry to hear you are in the same boat araja. Its a terrible feeling. Alcohol is indeed a bad idea in this process it does nothing but delay the hurt because eventually you are going to have to "feel" your feelings. I will not break NC but cant shake that hope that she is going to come crawling back. I know that is terrible. And I wont be able to truly heal until every ounce of hope is gone. I guess her calling and texting me gave me this hope and now it has really ****ed with my head (wondering, regretting not answering). I dont know how to get out of this rut at this point. I was doing OK up until this point. I hate how I feel this down about a girl who clearly didnt value me...
Los-t Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 if she is incapable of being on her own for long and needs someone else to immediately make herself feel whole again, then she is kind of damaged to begin with and only trouble down the road. If she loved you for 2 years and wanted you back, someone else will also see your value. Your heart really needs to heal first before you can move on - that's why you will be successful in your next relationship - you can stand on your own for better or for worse. Women dig that. Trust me.
AlexanderJames Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Inspirational read mate. Thank you. Ive also declined attempts for my ex to break NC. But they werent sincere like yours. They were her TRYING to get me to retalliate to her childish games as a means to make herself feel victimised to rid herself of the guilt shes left with after being so cruel and heartless to me. I am quietly anticipating that once her anger and resentment wear off she will come back saying she misses me. But I'm not depending on it. In fact the larger part of me hopes she doesnt because I like who Im becoming and dont want to lose sight of myself again. It must have taken a lot of courage to stick to NC hearing things like that from her. Be proud of yourself. I wouldnt be suprised if the reason part of you wants her to contact you again just so you can ignore her once more. Because its a very liberating and empowering feeling Thanks for sharing and being a part of this community of supporting, friendly people
Author VandelayInd Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 @Los t... Yes. That is/was a big red flag, her not being able to be alone. She is needy emotionally and physically and I was her rock I guess you could say. Shes mentioned to me before that she always had "someone" and that if she had a breakup she would usually jump right into another relationship to cope. It just hurts knowing she most likely is doing the same right now and that's why her contacting me has stopped... she has filled the void with another I assume. @AJ... Honestly, Im not sure how sincere the attempts were? Maybe they were, but Im thinking that she got sad or lonely and she needed some comforting and I wasnt replying so that was making her want to contact me even more. This is just a guess by me however. Hey maybe she was sincere and wanted to reconcile but I will never know now. Part of the reason I am feeling down at the moment is because of that uncertainty of her intentions. But after being burnt by her 3 or 4 times I couldnt justify picking the phone up or texting back. This seems to be whats eating me up that regret. And yes it is empowering I would have to agree. But at this point I wish I could just move on..
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