whathurtsthemost Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 Well, been seeing a girl for a month, intimate in the bedroom, all in all, enjoying our time together. But it appears to me, that either: 1) She's not that into me 2) Wants to take it slower that I do She works in the evening, I work during the day - So I have made allowances to see her, at the sacrifice of my own time and sleep. I'm frustrated, because when she has time off, and a night off that suits my schedule, for example Friday night, she makes other plans - Now, I should say that I don't set up dates well in advance, but this is because I dont know when she is not working because its random at the moment. So, my plan is to become less available to her - but then when I call her she is like "oh you are alive!", but she doesn't initiate as much contact as she used to. It's driving me crazy, on the one hand when we do talk she says she misses me bla bla bla. She seems inconsistent, sometimes she is all over me like a rash on text messages, and other times she can just go a couple of days without no messages which drives me bananas. So there are a few options: 1) Tell her what I'm feeling with the risk of looking like a wuss and clingy. 2) Become less available and not initiate contact till she does, but then she asks me questions, am I supposed to lie and just act like I was too busy? I hate mind games. 3) Become less available and when I see her next, tell her that if this is going to work, she needs to respect my schedule and make allowances too because I expect as much as I give. I guess the thing now is that I don't feel confident in calling her to meet her, because I don't know if she will say if she has plans or not - Should I just say, "Hey, call me when you have some time available, and hopefully we can get together?" I feel that every time she wants me there, I am there - but it seems like it's only when she is not busy with other things - How do I make her realize that she is going about it the wrong way without looking like a wuss? I don't want to be demanding of her time at this early stage, but I think there should be mutual consideration of schedules. Opinions please, should I call her on her behavior or just reduce my availability?
january2011 Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 You said that she never knows when she is not working because it's random. However, she must get some kind of notice. Otherwise, how does she know when to turn up for work? If she were really disinterested in you, then she wouldn't spend time with you at all. She could be using you as a backup plan when she doesn't have anything else on, or she could be interested but is afraid of showing too much interest - possibly playing games to raise your interest level in her, which if true, is backfiring on her. The result is that you're left confused and doubting her interest level. Not a great place to be, for you or her. I don't think you should play games. If you want to see her, then make time. If you feel that you're not getting enough back from her then talk to her about it. Perhaps something along the lines of, "I'd like to spend more time with you. Since your schedule is so random, can you let me know when you are free in advance and we'll make plans to meet up." See what she says and trust your gut. If it's always last minute and you don't see her enough, then it suggests she's not really available to date. And no matter how much you like her and she likes you, it doesn't matter unless both of you make the effort to see each other on a regular basis. It's very difficult to build a relationship on snatched dates here and there when at least one party could make more of an effort to carve out more time for the other. I'd set an internal deadline after your talk. If nothing changes after a certain period (maximum one month), I'd move on and tell her that while you like her, you're looking for someone who has more free time with whom to build a relationship.
Author whathurtsthemost Posted June 25, 2012 Author Posted June 25, 2012 Thank you for your reply... It helped bring things into focus.
Bristolius Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Wow, good advice from January. No games, a way to talk about it that's positive and non-wuss, you might get what you want, and you have a nice way out if you don't. Win-win.
Emilia Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 January is right OP, I was in this situation years ago and it's how I would handle it today
Eddie Edirol Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 I think she's not into you unless she would already be making more time to see you. I also think she tells you what she needs to so you will keep calling her. I do think you are a backburner guy. If you get the feeling that she says she misses you but her actions say different, then she's probably lying. I say back off and let her initiate, because its not likely that telling her she isnt making enough effort is going to attract her to you more. When its not happening, its not happening. Plus, how do you know she isnt seeing some other guy when she makes these plans? You can tell her you want to spend more time with her, but assume this will torpedo the relationship, as she will either: say yes (while lying)say she cant (means dump her), orshe actually will (I highly doubt that). I say you make less effort with her, and keep her on the backburner while you see other women.
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