He did a scumbag thing to get me, but now we're together...thoughts?

[Snakechammah]

Please, people like you make me sick. Oh you found a wonderful man "cry me a river" oh honey you made a mistake, move on. It is an attitude like that which condones and coddles people who cheat and hurt other people. Why should she listen to you ? No one is telling her to do anything, we are expressing our opinion. Period. Mean things? It is the truth. You cannot deny that.

 

Why are you so angry? What is it to you? Do you need to sit down and talk about your own problems?... have a seat on that chair, so we can all give you hugs and cuddles.

 

If I made you sick, please go to the doctor. Really wouldn't want you dying of a disease from a computer screen... because you have such high morals and an absolute angel and would never hurt a fly!

 

Why should she listen to me... is the same question why should she listen to you. Capiche?

[MrCastle]

And I agree that most guys in the situation would take the shot while they had it[/Quote]

 

Extremely offended by this statement. You think "most guys" would have sex with a drunk girl who has a fiance overseas fighting in a war?

 

Where the **** are you meeting these guys?

 

Contrary to what some women on this board believe, there are men out there who believe in honor, and respect.

 

Don't try to make it seem like any old typical guy would do what he did. It takes a special individual to do what he did.

[SJC2008]

The reason you posted is because you are falling/fell for him and want to know if he'll screw the next "drunk girl" that offers free kussy and the answer is YES!!!

[manup]

My boyfriend, V, and I have been together for almost eight months, and we have a very good relationship. I am used to being in tumultuous relationships that are total emotional roller coasters, but this one is different. V never emotionally manipulates me, he is strong, he listens, he works on himself, he tries to make me happy, and we have great times together. For the first time in my life I feel peaceful and calm.

 

And here's the big BUT...the way our relationship started off made him look REALLY bad, like a total scum bag (and me, too). Last year I was engaged at the to a guy who was deployed, but we were growing apart and I was developing feelings for a coworker, V. Well, one night, I had a work party and invited V. I ended up getting extremely drunk, to the point where I hardly remember things at all, and V and I slept together. I guess it started out with heavy flirting on my part, and then me grabbing his hand and leading him to the back of the house. Then I basically grabbed his face and started making out with him, and then I guess I pulled him into the bedroom, and things unfolded...Later that night he stayed over with me and took care of me, as well as cleaned up the entire house while I slept.

 

The next day I told my fiance about everything and admitted my cheating. In the meantime, V was texting me constantly asking me if I was okay, because he knew that I was a horrible, miserable wreck about the cheating. Literally, he would text me in the morning like clockwork asking how I was and if there was anything he could do. Initially, my fiance tried to work things out but my feelings for V kept getting stronger, so I ended that relationship and started one with V. I never thought that a relationship with V could work given how horribly immoral the circumstances surrounding our relationship were, but eight months in, we have a healthy, happy relationship, and I am excited for what the future could hold.

 

I guess what bothers me is lately I have been thinking about the obvious question: WHAT KIND OF JERK sleeps with an engaged woman who is wasted out of her mind, while her fiance is off fighting a war? At the time I was super drunk, and he was three beers in, so barely buzzed. Yes, I did come on very strongly and I did try to seduce him. But there is no way anyone could look at the situation and say that he is NOT a total jerk. However, his closest friends and people at work who know him say that the situation was simply not like him. And when I have asked him about why he did it, he just said, "I don't know...I just really liked you and I wasn't thinking." But he affirms how bad he felt about what he did.

 

I guess I can't shake the fact that it WAS a total jerk move. Should I be bothered that I am dating someone who is capable of that, even if he has been nothing but a wonderful man for the entire time we have been dating?

 

P.S. I realize the irony of the situation...why would V want to date ME, a girl who cheated on her deployed fiance? I look even worse and seem to be even MORE of a red flag. But that aside, I am just looking for opinions about him. Also, the purpose of this post is not to elicit any nasty comments about what a gross person I am for cheating on my fiance, especially someone who is deployed. I realize how ****ty it was, and months later, I still can't sleep some nights because of the guilt. No matter how emotionally distant or problematic my relationship with my ex-fiance was, I should not have acted like a total skeez. I have never done something so low in my life before, and it is definitely something I learned from...so please, no comments about that, as it is something I am finally trying to forgive myself for so I can move on with my life.

What kind of woman cheats on her DEPLOYED fiance. It really just sounds like you deserve each other. Do you deserve anyone better with those types of actions, what exactly makes you exempt of criticism?

[kaylan]

Tbh, and no offense OP, but you two deserve each other.

 

Id rather you two date each other than more honest and moral people having to deal with the drama and trust issues that come with dating a past cheater or someone whos helped someone cheat.

 

Personally, I have never cheated nor will I blatantly go after a girl I know has a man. ESPECIALLY a guy whos abroad fighting for MY freedom and risking his life. Thats an ultra dirtbag move. Youre both equally in the wrong. So just try and make your relationship good for now.

 

But tbh, I wouldnt be surprised if either of you have trust issues with each other in the future given your past together. Hopefully you guys can be honest and moral folks this time. If anything, I commend you for telling you ex what happened right away. Some people hide it for some time or never even tell.

 

Peace

[kaylan]

One more thing OP. Can you trust yourself not to make the same mistake again?

 

From now on you should do the right thing and break up with someone when problems arise and you see yourself growing apart. When you start falling for someone else, pull the plug...dont cheat.

[utterer of lies]

Oh, all the righteous fury that is blasted at her. How sure everyone here is that they would never give in to a drunk girl trying to seduce them.

 

Hypocrisy at it's finest.

[Art_Critic]

Hypocrisy at it's finest.

 

It's only hypocrisy if the person doing the blasting has actually given in to a really drunk woman trying to seduce them, you saying they would do it doesn't make them hypocrites.

[MrCastle]

It's only hypocrisy if the person doing the blasting has actually given in to a really drunk woman trying to seduce them, you saying they would do it doesn't make them hypocrites.

 

Exactly. Agreed.

[utterer of lies]

It's only hypocrisy if the person doing the blasting has actually given in to a really drunk woman trying to seduce them, you saying they would do it doesn't make them hypocrites.

 

Ok, you are right with this.

 

It's just that when a fifth or so of all the threads on this board are about how some guys can't find a girl or are still virgins with 25, it's kind of hard to believe they would turn down the girl in a situation like this.

[manup]

And I will believe that as soon as you turned down a drunk girl you were attracted to.

 

I find her slimier than him, he wasn't committed to a deployed soldier. Not excusing his behavior but this thread is stupid.

[Titanwolf]

Oh, all the righteous fury that is blasted at her. How sure everyone here is that they would never give in to a drunk girl trying to seduce them.

 

Hypocrisy at it's finest.

 

I have, very easily (won't tell the story). If you've resigned yourself not to cheating, relationships become a lot easier for you and your partner.

 

OP, some solitude would've served you well. You'd have time for reflection and self-improvement. I'm not making accusations here, but I think you premeditated your intoxication, so that you'd have an excuse later.

[boytoy]

OP, there is a simple response to your question. It makes no sense for you to question his morality, because you are no better. You were both scumbags briefly, and you deserve each other. Doesn't make you bad people in general though. Most of us, myself included, are scumbags during some times in our lives. Doesn't mean that we can't be decent and good to each other most other times.

[eleanorhurting]

As someone who cheated in the past, the best advice I can give you is to get therapy so that you can sort through your feelings of guilt and so you can work on fixing what led you to cheat in the first place. You made a mistake and you are aware of it. But you do not have to let it define you for the rest of your life.

 

I would be careful about looking for acceptance from people on this board because a lot of them are bitter and cynical. And you sh ould not look to other people for acceptance anyway.

 

I am not saying that you won't be able to find happiness in this relationship. Maybe you will. But if it does not work out you should probably spend some time alone.

 

Start making better choices from now on and let go of the past ones.

[Feelsgoodman]

I am NOT trying to absolve myself of guilt by blaming him. That is NOT the issue in the post. I agree that it was entirely my fault...I was the one who got so drunk I basically couldn't control myself and then I came onto him. And I agree that most guys in the situation would take the shot while they had it, even though it is a jerk move to have sex with an engaged woman who is drunk, period. Regardless, I took all of the guilt by hurting someone I really cared about (I'm sure saying I cared about him will elicit more nasty responses, but whatever) and I am still living with it. So all of you need to have a little more humility and get off your high horses. I am sure you've all made ****ty mistakes in your younger days. This is the first time I truly ever WRONGED someone, and it probably won't be my last, but I sure as hell am going to learn from it.

You've learned nothing from it. What you did was not a "mistake". It was a deliberate, unconscionable act made with full knowledge of the harm it was going to cause. Some would say your behavior was downright evil. You betrayed your man at a time he needed you the most. And you're already setting yourself up for doing it again by refusing to rake full responsibility and writing it off as a "mistake" (not to mention, claiming this is not the last time you are going to "truly hurt" someone).

 

With respect to your new BF, he did nothing wrong. He did not owe anything to your ex. It doesn't sound like he even knew your ex. Men are not responsible for being women's moral compasses. You threw yourself at him and he figured why not. He was not your partner in crime in all of this. The crime was entirely yours.

[StuckAtHome]

My boyfriend, V, and I have been together for almost eight months, and we have a very good relationship. I am used to being in tumultuous relationships that are total emotional roller coasters, but this one is different. V never emotionally manipulates me, he is strong, he listens, he works on himself, he tries to make me happy, and we have great times together. For the first time in my life I feel peaceful and calm.

 

And here's the big BUT...the way our relationship started off made him look REALLY bad, like a total scum bag (and me, too). Last year I was engaged at the to a guy who was deployed, but we were growing apart and I was developing feelings for a coworker, V. Well, one night, I had a work party and invited V. I ended up getting extremely drunk, to the point where I hardly remember things at all, and V and I slept together. I guess it started out with heavy flirting on my part, and then me grabbing his hand and leading him to the back of the house. Then I basically grabbed his face and started making out with him, and then I guess I pulled him into the bedroom, and things unfolded...Later that night he stayed over with me and took care of me, as well as cleaned up the entire house while I slept.

 

The next day I told my fiance about everything and admitted my cheating. In the meantime, V was texting me constantly asking me if I was okay, because he knew that I was a horrible, miserable wreck about the cheating. Literally, he would text me in the morning like clockwork asking how I was and if there was anything he could do. Initially, my fiance tried to work things out but my feelings for V kept getting stronger, so I ended that relationship and started one with V. I never thought that a relationship with V could work given how horribly immoral the circumstances surrounding our relationship were, but eight months in, we have a healthy, happy relationship, and I am excited for what the future could hold.

 

I guess what bothers me is lately I have been thinking about the obvious question: WHAT KIND OF JERK sleeps with an engaged woman who is wasted out of her mind, while her fiance is off fighting a war? At the time I was super drunk, and he was three beers in, so barely buzzed. Yes, I did come on very strongly and I did try to seduce him. But there is no way anyone could look at the situation and say that he is NOT a total jerk. However, his closest friends and people at work who know him say that the situation was simply not like him. And when I have asked him about why he did it, he just said, "I don't know...I just really liked you and I wasn't thinking." But he affirms how bad he felt about what he did.

 

I guess I can't shake the fact that it WAS a total jerk move. Should I be bothered that I am dating someone who is capable of that, even if he has been nothing but a wonderful man for the entire time we have been dating?

 

P.S. I realize the irony of the situation...why would V want to date ME, a girl who cheated on her deployed fiance? I look even worse and seem to be even MORE of a red flag. But that aside, I am just looking for opinions about him. Also, the purpose of this post is not to elicit any nasty comments about what a gross person I am for cheating on my fiance, especially someone who is deployed. I realize how ****ty it was, and months later, I still can't sleep some nights because of the guilt. No matter how emotionally distant or problematic my relationship with my ex-fiance was, I should not have acted like a total skeez. I have never done something so low in my life before, and it is definitely something I learned from...so please, no comments about that, as it is something I am finally trying to forgive myself for so I can move on with my life.

 

How i wish this were rare.

[mortensorchid]

I knew another couple who was in a similar situation as you were. This gal had a boyfriend that she was living with, and she cheated on her boyfriend with his friend who was in the same band as he was. Eventually after a while she left the first guy and took up with the second one.

 

Today? She is still with him, but she and I are no longer friends. One day she lashed out like a shreiking harpie at me, because she was/is, after all, a stereotypical dumb blonde. It was perfectly ok for her to have done what she did in the past, but not for me. As far as I know, after living with her second boyfriend for nearly 10 years, she mysteriously got pregnant by accident and married her boyfriend. They're divorced now.

 

So, not that I think of you in the same light as I do her, but I don't understand why you are feeling guilty or awkward about this. You did what you did, it's the past. We've all done things that we're not proud of. Either move on from it or go to a therapist.

[utterer of lies]

I have, very easily (won't tell the story). If you've resigned yourself not to cheating, relationships become a lot easier for you and your partner.

 

But he didn't cheat, only she did.

[eleanorhurting]

Do you guys really need to put this this girl to make yourselves feel better?

[Oxy Moronovich]

Oh, all the righteous fury that is blasted at her. How sure everyone here is that they would never give in to a drunk girl trying to seduce them.

 

Hypocrisy at it's finest.

 

Do you know how often people get taken to court after f*cking a drunk chick? I crapload of time. So many women act slutty when they're drunk then wanna do a 180 when sober and act as if they despise their actions. I am not gonna be one of those goons whimpering to the judge, "But she wanted it, your Honor. We were both drunk. She lured me into the bedroom. She was on top of me the whole time." No, not happening with me.

Do you guys really need to put this this girl to make yourselves feel better?

If the genders were reversed, LS females would be tearing the OP to pieces. Fact.

[eleanorhurting]

Do you know how often people get taken to court after f*cking a drunk chick? I crapload of time. So many women act slutty when they're drunk then wanna do a 180 when sober and act as if they despise their actions. I am not gonna be one of those goons whimpering to the judge, "But she wanted it, your Honor. We were both drunk. She lured me into the bedroom. She was on top of me the whole time." No, not happening with me.

 

If the genders were reversed, LS females would be tearing the OP to pieces. Fact.

 

why does everything have to turn into a gender war?

[Feelsgoodman]

Yes your bf sucks but you are the real scumbag. You invited a guy over that you liked, got drunk (most likely to give you the courage to do what you wanted to do), cheated, and then maintained a relationship with the guy you cheated with.

Exactly. The title of this thread should be "I did a scumbag thing to get my BF". Typical female strategy of shifting blame and responsibility for their actions on men.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

I guess what bothers me is lately I have been thinking about the obvious question: WHAT KIND OF JERK sleeps with an engaged woman who is wasted out of her mind, while her fiance is off fighting a war? At the time I was super drunk, and he was three beers in, so barely buzzed. Yes, I did come on very strongly and I did try to seduce him. But there is no way anyone could look at the situation and say that he is NOT a total jerk.

 

Your logic is all twisted.

 

The third wheel was responsible for none of this. He wasn't in your relationship - you were.

 

Right now, and in response, you are just trying to project your own guilt outward and away from yourself.

 

This was the same selfishness which caused you to impulsively fess-up to your cheating just as a way to both hurt your boyfriend and attempt to get him to break it off with you (so you wouldn't have to end the relationship yourself, as you sought to pursue somebody else romantically).

 

Perhaps the real question is: "whyyyyyyyyyyy, when a serviceman was deployed overseas, would his seeming fiance take measures to bring him down emotionally when he is soooooooooooooo far from every (emotional) support system he knows?"

 

The "cheating" is distantly secondary in all of this.

[Flyin in Clouds]

Good lord.... Sounds like me 35 years ago... My fraternity brother, who was off at marine Corp basic to be shipped to Nam at the time, his fiancé hooked up with me (thats a long story)... I felt bad about that, what kind of scumbag would do that... But later she ended up cheating on me... I should have known what kind of woman she was...

 

Being drunk is no excuse....

[writergal]

If the OP is acting this way at 22, I imagine she'll always act this way based on her lack of integrity and maturity. Sounds to me like she has a case of the GIGS.