He did a scumbag thing to get me, but now we're together...thoughts?

June 23, 2012

My boyfriend, V, and I have been together for almost eight months, and we have a very good relationship. I am used to being in tumultuous relationships that are total emotional roller coasters, but this one is different. V never emotionally manipulates me, he is strong, he listens, he works on himself, he tries to make me happy, and we have great times together. For the first time in my life I feel peaceful and calm.

And here's the big BUT...the way our relationship started off made him look REALLY bad, like a total scum bag (and me, too). Last year I was engaged at the to a guy who was deployed, but we were growing apart and I was developing feelings for a coworker, V. Well, one night, I had a work party and invited V. I ended up getting extremely drunk, to the point where I hardly remember things at all, and V and I slept together. I guess it started out with heavy flirting on my part, and then me grabbing his hand and leading him to the back of the house. Then I basically grabbed his face and started making out with him, and then I guess I pulled him into the bedroom, and things unfolded...Later that night he stayed over with me and took care of me, as well as cleaned up the entire house while I slept.

The next day I told my fiance about everything and admitted my cheating. In the meantime, V was texting me constantly asking me if I was okay, because he knew that I was a horrible, miserable wreck about the cheating. Literally, he would text me in the morning like clockwork asking how I was and if there was anything he could do. Initially, my fiance tried to work things out but my feelings for V kept getting stronger, so I ended that relationship and started one with V. I never thought that a relationship with V could work given how horribly immoral the circumstances surrounding our relationship were, but eight months in, we have a healthy, happy relationship, and I am excited for what the future could hold.

I guess what bothers me is lately I have been thinking about the obvious question: WHAT KIND OF JERK sleeps with an engaged woman who is wasted out of her mind, while her fiance is off fighting a war? At the time I was super drunk, and he was three beers in, so barely buzzed. Yes, I did come on very strongly and I did try to seduce him. But there is no way anyone could look at the situation and say that he is NOT a total jerk. However, his closest friends and people at work who know him say that the situation was simply not like him. And when I have asked him about why he did it, he just said, "I don't know...I just really liked you and I wasn't thinking." But he affirms how bad he felt about what he did.

I guess I can't shake the fact that it WAS a total jerk move. Should I be bothered that I am dating someone who is capable of that, even if he has been nothing but a wonderful man for the entire time we have been dating?

P.S. I realize the irony of the situation...why would V want to date ME, a girl who cheated on her deployed fiance? I look even worse and seem to be even MORE of a red flag. But that aside, I am just looking for opinions about him. Also, the purpose of this post is not to elicit any nasty comments about what a gross person I am for cheating on my fiance, especially someone who is deployed. I realize how ****ty it was, and months later, I still can't sleep some nights because of the guilt. No matter how emotionally distant or problematic my relationship with my ex-fiance was, I should not have acted like a total skeez. I have never done something so low in my life before, and it is definitely something I learned from...so please, no comments about that, as it is something I am finally trying to forgive myself for so I can move on with my life.

June 23, 2012

Honestly, I would just get over it. It happens like it should.

It wasn't a one night stand. It was a culmulative of strong feelings for V over a period of time... and that night was the perfect opportunity for something to happen. Because you both felt strongly for each other - it did happen. That's life.

You did confessed to your ex fiancee. Which was noble. And you ended with him honestly so you can move on with V.

My advice is: Just move on, you got what you want (Mr V) and are happier than ever. Why even question that? Nobody can judge what morals you have. Nobody can point a finger and accuse you of anything. Nobody can guarantee that they wouldn't do the same if they were in your situation. I honestly say I will do the exact same thing.

If my feelings for my ex fiancee, war hero or janitor, has faded, I will do a disservice to BOTH of us if I continue in a loveless relationship for the mere sake of morals. You know you both won't be happy together and in the long run, with something so empty, either you or he will cheat. The longer the time to realize, the more complicated it becomes - with kids and pets and house and bills.

I say you did the right thing. DO NOT beat yourself up for it. Maintain the romance with V and learn from the failures of the past relationship. Do not make it a vicious cycle. Make it a once-in-a-lifetime true love that cannot be denied!

Cheers.

PS: Please do not call V a scumbag - he did it FOR YOU. If you can't respect the act, at least respect the guy. He sacrificed 'morals' to be with you.

Edited June 23, 2012 by Snakechammah

June 23, 2012

I guess I can't shake the fact that it WAS a total jerk move. Should I be bothered that I am dating someone who is capable of that, even if he has been nothing but a wonderful man for the entire time we have been dating?

You should be happy that you're dating a man who lets no social taboo stand in the way of getting you. That means he's incredibly into you. You would prefer one who would pass up a shot because of some guy he doesn't even know that's overseas?

Are you sure this isn't more about your own guilt? Don't be so hard on yourself. We all fail to handle things as well as we should sometimes. In the end your ex-fiance will be better off for what happened. He will be able to go off and find his fairytale ending while you and your current guy have yours.

Edited June 23, 2012 by gaius

June 23, 2012

You would prefer one who would pass up a shot because of some guy he doesn't even know that's overseas?

A guy that's defending our country fighting in a war.

OP, you guys deserve each other.

You both let temptations get the best of you in a pretty ugly way, what he did is no worse than what you did.

At least you admitted to your fiance what happened so he was able to move on, and you're still with this V guy, so it actually became a relationship and not some meaningless fling.

June 23, 2012

You're trying to wash away your guilt by blaming it on V that you cheated, If only you weren't drinking and not thinking right, maybe you wouldn't have done it...and since he wasn't as drunk then it must have been his fault mostly because he had the sense and ability to stop you from making this mistake, so therefore he's the main culprit and you're kind of a victim.

That might work on the gullible, but that's not necessarily going to fly with most people since we can see exactly what you're trying to do...take less responsibility for the actions that you committed.

Did anyone hold a gun to your head to drink?

Who's responsibility was it to not get drunk?

Who was the one that was engaged here?

Who's the one who flirted and instigated this situation? to allow you to react on such instinct.

You wanted this to happen...sure you may have felt guilty about doing it, maybe that's why you got drunk first, maybe even though you intended to be faithful you kinda really didn't mind being with this guy...or at least a part of you since you allowed yourself to get that far.

All this guy did to me, was fall into the trap that you set for him. I'm sure he was interested in you, and since you may have been engaged you sure weren't acting like it and since he stuck with you afterwards it wasn't just to take advantage of you...he seems to have been really interesting in a relationship from the get-go.

Now you're trying to find ways to feel less guilty about it, blaming it on him or at least trying to find ways to even though you did most of the work....not only that but you're the one that screwed up the most between everybody and now you're judging him? This was pretty much all your fault, take responsibility for what you did and maybe didn't do...like not get drunk.

Most people have probably done something they regret while drunk or drinking, that's the risk you take though...It's still just as much your fault because you're responsible for yourself at the end of the day. If you can't drink responsibly then It's not ones fault by your own.

Chances are though in the end you probably ended up with the right person. You ever think that maybe this relationship with your ex fiance wasn't meant to be? Wasn't the best way to end it, but you fell for another man and it seems the relationship is stable and now you're kind of looking to sabotage it.

Was it right to do this to another person? No, but you wouldn't be the first and you won't be the last...fact of the matter is everyone makes mistakes and usually big ones. You came clean after you did it, and then you moved on...and that seems like it was for the best...at least you weren't married already at this point.

Then again I'm someone who's got way more regrets than you'll probably ever have and I should probably take my advice on this a bit more...as I tend to practice what I preach...somethings are just harder to get over...but anyway, you need to stop looking backwards and just keep moving forward in life. You made a mistake, you were younger, more naive or basically stupid, we all have been...and we can't pick and choose whether someone did worse than another because a regret is a regret, it affects us in our own way...and regardless, If you let it eat at you then it will control and dictate your life, and that's not really living.

Leave the past behind you...It wasn't something you are proud of and I'm sure you are quite guilty and feel obligated to do so, a part you needs to linger in that past because you feel like a bad person for it. The fact of the matter is It's just not important to your life at this point, you're already gone from there...what you did is what you did, and nothing can change it.

Resenting yourself and wallowing in guilt is only going to make yourself and those around miserable and yet change nothing. Your ex-fiance may never forgive you, but It's not up to you to ever make it up to him or what not...you can't erase the pain, he needs to resolve things from his own end and take in things on his own behalf.

The most important thing in life is about learning from your mistakes...see what you did wrong, see what happened there in the relationship and understand what may have caused you to make those choices. Become a more mature, knowledgeable and wise person from it, that is the best benefit you can give yourself, and that's really the way of life. Forgive those for hurting you and forgive yourself for hurting others, It's about moving on and forgiveness not punishment and blame.

June 23, 2012

I guess what bothers me is lately I have been thinking about the obvious question: WHAT KIND OF JERK sleeps with an engaged woman who is wasted out of her mind, while her fiance is off fighting a war? At the time I was super drunk, and he was three beers in, so barely buzzed. Yes, I did come on very strongly and I did try to seduce him. But there is no way anyone could look at the situation and say that he is NOT a total jerk.

Everyone is acting all high and mighty, but honestly, many people would have done the same. Especially since the seduction came from you, since you went after him.

June 23, 2012

I guess what bothers me is lately I have been thinking about the obvious question: WHAT KIND OF JERK sleeps with an engaged woman who is wasted out of her mind, while her fiance is off fighting a war? At the time I was super drunk, and he was three beers in, so barely buzzed. Yes, I did come on very strongly and I did try to seduce him. But there is no way anyone could look at the situation and say that he is NOT a total jerk.

Am I the only one who is total shock and disbelief after reading this?? OP, the guy is not a jerk or a "scumbag". He wasn't the one cheating on his fiance who was risking her life fighting overseas. YOU chose to invite this guy to your house party (even though you knew you had feelings for him), get wasted, grab his hand, make out with him, take him to your bedroom and f*ck him. And now you are trying to hold the guy accountable for your low, immoral behavior?

It's not his job to prevent you from being a slut and committing adultery. You are an adult and, as such, are fully responsible for your own actions. The fact that you are trying to blame someone else for your disgusting actions is almost as bad as the act of cheating itself. You are a total disgrace.

June 23, 2012

The kind of jerk women fall for.

June 23, 2012

I want to know how on earth you and this new guy even trust each other. Do you ever think he could do the same thing to you?

June 23, 2012

The question should be "what kind of jerk cheats on her fiance while defending our country while your lazy ass does nothing but look for other men". I don't buy your crock of **** that you were seduced. You knew what you were doing. This is just damage control or an attempt to lie to yourself to justify it.

What? Did you read her post? She wasn't seduced, she did the seducing herself:

I guess it started out with heavy flirting on my part, and then me grabbing his hand and leading him to the back of the house. Then I basically grabbed his face and started making out with him, and then I guess I pulled him into the bedroom, and things unfolded...

I supposed the 'I guess' statements are her way of not accepting the blame for what she did.

June 23, 2012

Is this real life?

You can't be serous. V is a pushover. Sooner or later you will cheat on him too.

June 23, 2012

Everyone is acting all high and mighty, but honestly, many people would have done the same. Especially since the seduction came from you, since you went after him.

Right, and this kind of thing is not uncommon. I knew of a pastor of a church, who was giving the singles in the group a speech and how he met his wife.

Apparently, he was doing volunteer work with an engaged woman (teamed up with her) and would set up a booth at a local mall. They grew close, he asked her for coffee after they put up the equipment...things unfolded, she broke up with the fiance' and started dating and then married the new guy.

He had some kind of moral to the story, but some singles weren't pleased with this as an example, because they had been the "dumpee" in that situation.

June 23, 2012

I think I understand you.

You're at the stage where the self-serving rationalizations are starting to wear thin. You're like a baby chick in an egg with that little horn thing they get on their head the help them break out of the egg and after you hatch the horn thing will fall away. But I digress with stupid metaphors.

You're right to wonder what kind of a man carries on with an engaged woman. But what kind of a man he is is irrelevant. He had no obligation to act with loyalty towards your ex, that was all you. You're starting to see this but you've got a lot more thinking to do, a lot more responsibility to take. You're starting to, but you're also easing it in your mind by making excuses and shifting uncomfortable blame. It's a long road.

In the grand scheme of things it could be worse. You're not a predator, you're just lacking in loyalty, restraint, and commitment. Hopefully by taking accountability for what you've done you'll be able to develop those qualities in the future, be it for V or someone else.

Take a stroll in the adultery forum if you want to see what not taking accountability for these attitudes can lead to when allowed to run rampant. It's scary. Fix this **** now.

June 23, 2012

You should be happy that you're dating a man who lets no social taboo stand in the way of getting you. That means he's incredibly into you. You would prefer one who would pass up a shot because of some guy he doesn't even know that's overseas?

Are you sure this isn't more about your own guilt? Don't be so hard on yourself. We all fail to handle things as well as we should sometimes. In the end your ex-fiance will be better off for what happened. He will be able to go off and find his fairytale ending while you and your current guy have yours.

These are the exact same self-serving rationalizations I told myself when I was coming to terms with having done something somewhat similar (no cheating, but broke off LTR due to interest in other man, started with him very shortly after)

V is probably a decent guy, and you're somewhere in between your attitude of yourself-- worse than you think you are when you make excuses for yourself but better than you think when you get really low-- but don't let the bad beginning lead you to exaggerate the fairytale quality of your relationship now, in an attempt to justify the past. I'm sure it's great, but it's just like every other decent relationship. He didn't scale a mountain and slay a dragon for you, he boned a drunk girl that he liked. Be realistic.

In the super long run your ex will be better off with someone who is loyal to him and doesn't second guess her devotion to him when her mind wanders, but don't allow that reality to let you off the hook. You still need to take accountability so you can move on. Realize how bad it was, REALLY realize it, not just say the words, hate yourself just enough to never ever ever do it again, then really forgive yourself and move on to a productive place.

I mean, in reality you and your ex grew distant because he wasn't around to be a fiance to you because he was to busy trying not to die and reconciling the process of becoming a killing machine while still trying to remain a human being. Of course you two grew apart, how can you possibly relate to that? He's not off to some fairytale romance, he's dealing with the monsters inside him and will be for a long, long time. But it sounds like you weren't in a place to be able to help him with that anyway, so..... I guess it kinda worked out for the best if not towards an inevitability, but not because of any greatness or selflessness on your part. I hope he finds a good support system.

It'll all be okay.

June 23, 2012

The question should be "what kind of jerk cheats on her fiance while defending our country while your lazy ass does nothing but look for other men". I don't buy your crock of **** that you were seduced. You knew what you were doing. This is just damage control or an attempt to lie to yourself to justify it.

You did this. Own it! It shows YOUR complete lack of character.

Get counseling. You need help.

Stop seeing V - it's not fair to HIM to be with such a broken gal.

June 23, 2012

I appreciate the responses to my post.

And I am not sure if my entire post was read by some of you, judging by the harsh responses. To clarify, I KNOW COMPLETELY that what I did was so crappy. I was literally wondering what things looked like on his side, and what he might have been thinking. The reason is, I have spent months analyzing and trying to learn from a mistake that he was a willing partner in and doesn't seem to dwell over. I guess I wonder WHY he hasn't dwelled on his mistake.

I am NOT trying to absolve myself of guilt by blaming him. That is NOT the issue in the post. I agree that it was entirely my fault...I was the one who got so drunk I basically couldn't control myself and then I came onto him. And I agree that most guys in the situation would take the shot while they had it, even though it is a jerk move to have sex with an engaged woman who is drunk, period. Regardless, I took all of the guilt by hurting someone I really cared about (I'm sure saying I cared about him will elicit more nasty responses, but whatever) and I am still living with it. So all of you need to have a little more humility and get off your high horses. I am sure you've all made ****ty mistakes in your younger days. This is the first time I truly ever WRONGED someone, and it probably won't be my last, but I sure as hell am going to learn from it.

I'm 22 years old, and I made a horrible mistake almost a year ago that I still feel pain over. And I would never do what I did again. Like I said, I have been struggling to find forgiveness within myself, and I feel like I lost quite a bit of whatever peace I had in my head after reading some of these posts. Some of you need to stop being so cruel and self-righteous.

June 23, 2012

You have no idea the pain I have gone through, watching the pain my ex-fiance went through, and all of the counseling I HAVE done about this issue. I still can't even imagine the shock and betrayal he felt when I told him. I will never be the same or look at myself in the same way.

Do you guys all want me to just say, "You're right, I am a horrible person and I lack character and all I am going to do is cheat, cheat, cheat for the rest of my life"? Would that make all of you happy? Because I did that for months and I wasn't getting anywhere except depressed and obsessed with self-analysis and obsessed with trying to make my ex-fiance see how sorry I was...then I realized, people make mistakes, and there is no point in not forgiving myself, because I have to be strong from this and learn from this. And I think THAT is why my current boyfriend can be with me...because he knows what I did was a horrible, out of character mistake that doesn't reflect the way I have lived the other 99.99999999% of my life.

Like I said, the point of my post wasn't to revisit all of this again and again...

June 23, 2012

Sounds like you're two peas in a pod.

June 23, 2012

He's not a scumbag, he shows problems with impulse control and thinking about his actions and how they affect others, as do you. You two should have waited but ultimately there's no pretty way for this to have happened, even if it were the right thing to do. You'll never know.

Self interest doesn't necessarily spell out sociopathic scumbag. Just the kind of blase ****ed up things people do to each other every day. Come to terms with what you did,stop using softening words like "I guess" and "basically," and do better with this one.

I think you're projecting your guilt outwards. He should have waited until you were single but he's not a scumbag. You've got some thinking and learning and reckoning to do but you're not an inherent scumbag either. Stop making excuses, learn from it and move on.

June 23, 2012

Sounds like fate to me. Two slimy people meant for each other. Least karma is setting in.

June 23, 2012

Sweetheart, it is a joke if you are trying to find acceptance in a forum.

In fact finding acceptance from other people is a joke in itself. Who cares what these people think?

You've "made a mistake" (a mistake that has given you a wonderul guy V whom you love very much) and you've acknowledge that mistake.

Fine. Now move on and be happy.

People, especially in a public forum, are going to judge from their mighty throne on their computer and say all these nasty things... do you really care about their opinion?

The moment you do, you put your happiness in other's hands. Don't do that. Stop dwelling on the past, learn to love without regrets and move the hell on.

June 23, 2012

Please, people like you make me sick. Oh you found a wonderful man "cry me a river" oh honey you made a mistake, move on. It is an attitude like that which condones and coddles people who cheat and hurt other people. Why should she listen to you ? No one is telling her to do anything, we are expressing our opinion. Period. Mean things? It is the truth. You cannot deny that.

Who is it that's supposed to cast the first stone?

Please. If you think you've never done anything to hurt anyone you're fooling yourself. At least she's starting to reconcile the difference between her actions and the way it affects her perception of herself. She's farther along than the people who think they've never done anything wrong, seeing the world in a flase dichotomy of "good people" and "bad people".

June 23, 2012

You have no idea the pain I have gone through, watching the pain my ex-fiance went through, and all of the counseling I HAVE done about this issue. I still can't even imagine the shock and betrayal he felt when I told him. I will never be the same or look at myself in the same way.

Do you guys all want me to just say, "You're right, I am a horrible person and I lack character and all I am going to do is cheat, cheat, cheat for the rest of my life"? Would that make all of you happy? Because I did that for months and I wasn't getting anywhere except depressed and obsessed with self-analysis and obsessed with trying to make my ex-fiance see how sorry I was...then I realized, people make mistakes, and there is no point in not forgiving myself, because I have to be strong from this and learn from this. And I think THAT is why my current boyfriend can be with me...because he knows what I did was a horrible, out of character mistake that doesn't reflect the way I have lived the other 99.99999999% of my life.

Like I said, the point of my post wasn't to revisit all of this again and again...

You don't seem that sorry to me. I mean: All your "guilt" and yet you are still with this new guy. I bet your ex-fiance still has moments of feeling rage, shame, and so on. He's "revisiting" your infidelity on a daily basis while you want permission to move on.

I'm not sure your counseling and guilt makes up for this.

People go to prison for life, Driver, for crimes they committed in just one moment. Nevermind how they are the remaining 99.9999999% of the time.

Edited June 23, 2012 by Imajerk17

June 23, 2012

Look at the title of her post, immediately shifting the blame to the other fellow involved. Of course I have hurt people, intentionally and not intentionally, but I have never cheated and I have did by best to right my wrongs. If you notice, she only shows remorse when the responses come rolling in. She is self absorbed, period.

You're right. But lasting awareness doesn't happen overnight. She's got a long way to go but she's on Step One, which is starting to feel like things aren't right. Over-reactions and generalizations like calling her repulsive don't help her get to step whatever-number-you-find-at-the-end, it makes her feel like she might as well just kill herself or cut her junk off to prevent ever adversely affecting anyone ever again. Really what she needs to do is more self-critically look at what happened and why and where to go from there.

Everyone has the power to be destructive in different ways based on their personalities, emotional needs, and circumstances. Just because you would never cheat on someone doesn't mean your hurtfulness is holier. Maybe she'd never do whatever you did, or may do in the future.

June 23, 2012

You are 22 and jumping from one R to another. You should have had a time of being single, so you could work through your issues with what you did and THEN start a relationship with someone. Too late for that now, obviously, and I don't think it's likely for a R with this start to last.

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He did a scumbag thing to get me, but now we're together...thoughts?

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