2sunny Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 Doesn't REALLY matter - because once a woman says she's not in love with you - she already has one foot out the door. I'd make it REAL for her - at least so she understands her consequences for her bad behavior! You BOTH agreed no contact with makes outside the family - yet, SHE did it k owing it was against that agreement you both made.
GLDheart Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 You BOTH agreed no contact with makes outside the family - yet, SHE did it k owing it was against that agreement you both made. Yep. I picture it like some cartoon: The Male character draws a line in the dirt with his foot, "Don't step over that line!", then the female toon scrubs the line out with her foot and walks all over the line... He pauses, draws a new line a few feet back, and says "Well then... don't step over THAT line!!"... She again disregards him and moves further over the new line, and so it continues... 1
2sunny Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 After reading your other past threads - she's done this before! She sent pictures even - of herself playing with her p@ssy to a man! Many pictures!!! Yet YOU took her back with no severe consequences! She will continue doing this!!!!! Kick her out! You are being too nice about her cheating! What happened to your ability to check her deleted texts from before? You had an application that showed you everything - yet she did it AGAIN! You are being played - she knows you're not going to make her leave. Do it now!
jnj express Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 give her clear boundaries, with actionable consequences, also make her sign a POST--NUP If you are staying with her, there is really nothing more you can do---If you don't wanna stay, cuz you are tired of playing parole officer, and she refuses to stay within her boundaries---that is up to you
standtall Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 (edited) IWT, As much as I feel for you, and no matter what, your wife doesn't have the right to cheat on you, but after reading through these texts, I wonder if you are partly to blame. It seems that you have jealousy,control, anger, and self esteem issues. Also, it sounds as if never did respect your wife. I have quoted your own words and tried to not take them out of context. Here are the anger issues I confiscated her phone and called him about 10 times over the last hour, I talked to her in a comforting, non combative tone to try to get her to tell me how she really feels and why she did this Which I told her was really ****ing stupid of her, she said she agreed. Last night was a terrible night for me. I really had to restrain myself from doing anything irrational. I wanted to slap her for doing this I asked in a non combative tone and told him that I would hold nothing against him as my wife is the one that should be responsible about this it seems like you are trying to re-assure yourself and the listeners here that you are not combative. why? Here are the parts where you don't respect her..you make her seem like some kind of body to be used by you. but I told her to wipe the smile off her face She's not a complete idiot, She really is like a spoiled teenage brat. She knows I was a man whore before I met her, I had my fair share of sexual partners, she was a virgin who was sprung on me for our first 6 years together. she was not cute in HS, and blossomed when I met her right after HS. She was an ugly duckling before I met her (I've seen pictures) but she's honestly gotten better looking even since we've been married. ]Even when she told me she wasnt in love with me, she told me to still be affectionate with her and still gave me oral and vaginal sex. . Now, I know some of the lack of respect is understandably generated by her conduct recently, but that last part made it seem that you where doing her some kinda favor by marrying her, which would indicate that you never did respect her. IMHO, you need to get into some IC, and fix yourself as your fixing you marriage. Your wife is not going to love you any more if you don't earn it. Edited June 24, 2012 by standtall
Summer Breeze Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 I want to raise my daughter in a healthy home with her parents, I don't want to lose the woman I love like I've never loved any of my past women before. I want us to grow old together, I want my wife and our kids to share a cloud in heaven. I want to be able to have the total blind trust I used to have in her. I don't want to have to keep wondering what she's doing when I'm not around, nor do I want to keep sifting through hours of recordings I've captured of her or checking phone records for irregularities. You want your innocence back. I'm sorry but that's gone for good with this woman. I left my xH because he stole my innocent way of looking at love and life and I knew he could never, ever restore it. I'd like to think you could work it through but from what you've written it doesn't look likely. Whatever you decide just keep strong and make good decisions for you and your kids. She's making all sorts of decisions that effect you. Start taking them away and making them for yourself. Get your power back. 2
Realist3 Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 (edited) IWT, As much as I feel for you, and no matter what, your wife doesn't have the right to cheat on you, but after reading through these texts, I wonder if you are partly to blame. It seems that you have jealousy,control, anger, and self esteem issues. Also, it sounds as if never did respect your wife. I have quoted your own words and tried to not take them out of context. Here are the anger issues it seems like you are trying to re-assure yourself and the listeners here that you are not combative. why? Here are the parts where you don't respect her..you make her seem like some kind of body to be used by you. Now, I know some of the lack of respect is understandably generated by her conduct recently, but that last part made it seem that you where doing her some kinda favor by marrying her, which would indicate that you never did respect her. IMHO, you need to get into some IC, and fix yourself as your fixing you marriage. Your wife is not going to love you any more if you don't earn it. Partly to blame? Dude, after reading through everything you have posted I don't see how any woman would want to be with you. I'm not trying to be mean, but you need to look inward, because that is the source of your problems. Who could blame her for cheating on you? You are no victim. Edited June 24, 2012 by Realist3 1
GLDheart Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 You want your innocence back. I'm sorry but that's gone for good with this woman. I left my xH because he stole my innocent way of looking at love and life and I knew he could never, ever restore it.. This statement just rings so true. I'd take my EX back in a second if that bell could be unrung. Back on topic though. Iwantthetruth, I won't assign blame for the affair on you. We all know that is the worst way to deal with a bad relationship. She had better choices available to her. BUT, there is something to the fact that she is now the "rebelious teenager" and you are finding yourself in the role of prison warden. Your actions are coming across as controlling. That isn't the same as having boundaries and consequences. I'll try to illustrate the difference: Controlling: TAKING her phone and keeping it hostage. Boundaries: "I refuse to live this way. If I feel you are being dishonest with your phone, I will have to step away from this relationship. You decide how you want to live but I know I can't take that anymore."
standtall Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 (edited) You conveniently left out this part: I'm not conveniently doing anything.. I'm not an attorney trying to get a conviction/acquittal. I do not know either party nor have any interest other than an opinion..one that I formed after reading his posts on this thread and the others...that this guy dwells too much about her physical appearance and what a stud he is, and how he did her a favor by marrying an ugly duckling. Between that and the anger/hostility/condescending attitude, he doesn't paint himself in a flattering light. IMHO, he is partly to blame for her not wanting to be with/or in love with him.......maybe I should have been more clear about that. Edited June 24, 2012 by standtall
2sunny Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 When YOU have to try to control what she does. - things are way off balance - SHE should be capable of doing that for HERSELF! Since she not - it's over!
standtall Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 (edited) No need to be more clear. You implied he was responsible for his wife's behavior and agreed with a poster who stated, "Who could blame her for cheating on you?" Sheesh..talk about beating a dead horse. I said I should be more clear and clarified it...I originally wrote it in a confusing way and corrected it. I did not mean to say that it was okay for her to cheat...I meant to say that it is partially his fault that she doesn't love/want him anymore. This petty arguing about someone's opinion is pointless. So what if I implied that anyway?...it would still be my opinion. You have yours and I have mine..go opinion police someone else. Edited June 24, 2012 by standtall
Realist3 Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 When YOU have to try to control what she does. - things are way off balance - SHE should be capable of doing that for HERSELF! Since she not - it's over! Nobody likes to be controlled. Who wants someone else telling them what they can and cannot do? Who wants someone that can "take away" your cell phone as if you are some teenager? He did the ugly duckling a "favor" by locking her up in his cage and she broke free.
GLDheart Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 Did he deserve it?... was she entitled to it?... blah blah... who cares. If your goal is to make him feel bad about his choices, why bother? I'm sure each one of us could tear ourselves up for the choices that led us to need to be here in this forum. That's not the point. If your opinion (even the harsh ones) can be used to help him see the reality and make a better life for him and his wife AND DAUGHTER, then voice away. But remember why we are here.
2sunny Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 When she doesnt mind you - you tell her Mommy - and then she gets into trouble from Mom. This is a very big problem all the way around... She will do what she wants - its up to YOU to leave her if you don't like your W sending men pictures of her privates.
Realist3 Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Did he deserve it?... was she entitled to it?... blah blah... who cares. If your goal is to make him feel bad about his choices, why bother? I'm sure each one of us could tear ourselves up for the choices that led us to need to be here in this forum. That's not the point. If your opinion (even the harsh ones) can be used to help him see the reality and make a better life for him and his wife AND DAUGHTER, then voice away. But remember why we are here. It has nothing to do about making him feel bad about his choices, even though he came here seeking validation against her choices. All I am saying is that he may need to look at himself. And from he has posted he is just as much at fault. Every relationship is a two way street.
Peanut9330 Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 (edited) My only concern about you talking to him is that he could of been lying too. She could of told him listen I'm married if my husband contacts you say this.... some men are fine about being with a woman that's married as long as they get to have that cake. I would be careful and set boundries like someone said before boundraies that cannot be crossed otherwise you might end up getting hurt again. Edited June 25, 2012 by Peanut9330
GLDheart Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 ...All I am saying is that he may need to look at himself... I agree. There is a "Child/Parent" Dynamic playing out here. If he falls into the role of Control she will resort to the role of rebellion. BUT, they are both making thier own choice to respond this way. ... And from he has posted he is just as much at fault... I do not agree. He may be making a choice to act in a way that leads to her bad choice of cheating... but he is not responsible for her actions. Your statement loses merit the moment you apply it to an analagous situation of a case of abuse: Would a disrespectful wife deserve a beating from her husband? Even if she knew her actions would cause it? By your reasoning she would be just as at fault for his wrongdoing. Ultimately, the act of cheating IS ABUSEFUL against the betrayed spouse. 1
Author IWantTheTruth Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 Re: anger claims Please understand that I know it looks harsh, but it was a therapeutic release to express my feelings at the moment. As I said, the previous night was rough. You will also see I mentioned that I have good control of my actions. I do apologize to everyone who may have been offended by the text, rest assured, it's nothing more than text. I know anger is one of the emotions you go through with this, it passes, I deal with it well enough. My apologies. Update, I recorded her conversations, she told her sister about it, I was waiti to hear something different but didn't. She says she's not interested in a kid (he's 19, 10 years younger) but that doesn't mean anything to me. I also managed to recover most the deleted texts (I had the wrong directory at first). Everything is as they said, nothing inappropriate, doesn't make it acceptable though. This was last week, now I feel I am getting to the point where I can actually manage to walk away, not look back, and be the best dad I can be. I don't want to be unable to trust my wife, I may never trust her again.
2sunny Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I don't know many men that would be full of anger when finding out there wife sends pussy pictures to other men.
Author IWantTheTruth Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 I don't know many men that would be full of anger when finding out there wife sends pussy pictures to other men. Tell me about it. I have no problem admitting I was angry when she did that last year and when she hid these texts this time around. This time, there were no pics or media, and as I stated, was able to recover some of the texts. I was very angry when I found out she deleted these texts. To vent, I came on here and shared with y'all. That is all.
Author IWantTheTruth Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 (edited) First strike was sexting with some guy (she met online) on the east coast last year (we're on the west coast), second strike was trying to hide a friendly conversation recently with an old co worker (I've recovered deleted mssgs and recorded a couple conversations about it with her sister - story checks out but still betrayed my trust and that's just as bad), Third strike and I'm gone. We'll get another book "not just friends" and I told her next strike and there will be no discussions, no ifs, no more chances, I'm gonna start dating other women and move on. I will not be looking for serious relationships and will enjoy the rest of my youth like i did before i got married - having casual relationships with many different women. I feel better about this option now and am no longer scared to make the move if necessary. I'm sick of living like this and if she ****s up again, she always will. I also told her that when our daughter is old enough, she will know exactly why she's not being raised by her mom and dad at home. I hope once my benefits kick in in a couple months, we can get MC and other professional help. How much does MC cost if you have no benefits? Edited July 1, 2012 by IWantTheTruth
2sunny Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 First strike was sexting with some guy (she met online) on the east coast last year (we're on the west coast), second strike was trying to hide a friendly conversation recently with an old co worker (I've recovered deleted mssgs and recorded a couple conversations about it with her sister - story checks out but still betrayed my trust and that's just as bad), Third strike and I'm gone. We'll get another book "not just friends" and I told her next strike and there will be no discussions, no ifs, no more chances, I'm gonna start dating other women and move on. I will not be looking for serious relationships and will enjoy the rest of my youth like i did before i got married - having casual relationships with many different women. I feel better about this option now and am no longer scared to make the move if necessary. I'm sick of living like this and if she ****s up again, she always will. I also told her that when our daughter is old enough, she will know exactly why she's not being raised by her mom and dad at home. I hope once my benefits kick in in a couple months, we can get MC and other professional help. How much does MC cost if you have no benefits? It may COST you your marriage.
Author IWantTheTruth Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 Not sure I understand what exactly you are saying. I think you mean Not getting MC could cost me my marriage? What I'm trying to find out is what MC costs. At this point, Even though she says all the right things, I am frustrated and ready to give up on her if she doesn't get her act together.
2sunny Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Not sure I understand what exactly you are saying. I think you mean Not getting MC could cost me my marriage? What I'm trying to find out is what MC costs. At this point, Even though she says all the right things, I am frustrated and ready to give up on her if she doesn't get her act together. And it's really up to HER to get that help. If she wants help - she will find a way to get the help she needs. You decide on a healthy boundary - and if/when she crosses it - you need to decide what the consequences are to be. Has she had any consequences for her actions? You keep giving her more chances and moving your boundary - that's rewarding her bad behavior.
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