IWantTheTruth Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 (edited) A little background http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/319275-found-out-wife-sexting-9-months-ago http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/330228-wife-told-me-she-loves-me-but-isnt-love-me but basically found out she was sexting last year, we've been working on it, recently she told me she loved me but wasnt in love with me because I overreacted on a recording I discovered which I took out of context and started a fight about. I've been monitoring her ever since, we recently had a pothole or worse when she told me she loved me but wasnt in love with me, which later she told me she did in fact love me. Even when she told me she wasnt in love with me, she told me to still be affectionate with her and still gave me oral and vaginal sex. Today, through phone records, I discovered she had called an ex co worker from nearby and exchanged a total of 30 text messages in two days earlier this week. She deleted them from her phone, as well as the call, in hopes of me not finding out. SHE SWEARS TO THE HEAVENS that the texts were completely innocent and nothing more, and she even mentioned me to him and such. I have great issue with the fact being in the situation we are in that she KNOWS she's not supposed to be initiating contact with any other non relative guys and let alone trying to hide it from me by deleting the texts and call. It looks very bad for her to have done that, and she says she wants me to talk to the guy and ask him whats going on. I confiscated her phone and called him about 10 times over the last hour, but have been unable to get a hold of him. I plan on keeping her phone until I talk to him, she insists that she wants me to talk to him and verify that theres nothing going on. I called her mom, who is familiar with what she did last time around and she expressed how disappointed (again) she is. I love this woman, she's the love of my life and I cant imagine being without her and raising our daughter in a broken home. I dont know what to do, I cant force her to want to work this out. These past weeks she's been telling me how much she loves me and sexually, everythings been great, so I want to believe those are good signs. She says all the right things when she wants to, but after a year of trying hard to trust her, she just went and ****ed it all up. I want to believe she's telling the truth when she says she only deleted them because she didnt want me to think bad of it, despite the fact that deleting them makes it look WAY WAY worse. Im not stupid, I can read between the lines. I beg her to be honest with me, thats how she told me a couple weeks ago that she loved me but wasnt in love with me (though she since told me she did love me and we read the book "how to help your spouse heal from your affair" as recommended. Everything was great for a week or so, then this happened. I just dont know what to do anymore. Edited June 23, 2012 by IWantTheTruth
SomedayDig Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 Sorry you find yourself recycled into the same situation as before IWTT. My suggestion is to use the Textpad program to once again examine the phone's text backup (if you can). While I understand your wife gets annoyed at your following up, she needs to understand that her behavior is totally inappropriate. As you said, it's way worse for her to delete the texts she sent this guy. On the subject of having her phone right now, I would do exactly what I did: I sent my wife's xOM a text asking him to call. I made it very innocent and he responded "right now?" to which I said "please". When he called I answered and simply said "Hi...this is Dig...what's going on with you and my wife?" Don't speak angry, just talk nicely and get the info you need. Your wife seems to need attention for whatever reason. Even though you have read the book (same one my wife and I have read) she sounds like she needs a professional to talk to about her issues. Instead of being defensive, she should be willing to do whatever it takes to get the marriage to work. Unless she truly doesn't want to be married any more...
GLDheart Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 Oh man this thread is too close to home for me. Your situation, the sexting, and your worries of a broken home with your daughter, it's all exactly what I'm going through. In my case I strongly believe that marriage is "too boring" for my ex. The addictive person in her (she struggles with smoking and alcoholism) craves the rush of being pursued and she has very poor boundaries. She really needs that external validation. Great sex right up until the end is NOT a sign that she isn't cheating. Right up until the end, my ex initiated it as much as I did. Looking back at it though, She may have used it as a cover. If the sex dried up, I would have sensed a change in our relationship. She was AMAZING at covering it up... but then again it was round too (she had an affair I forgave with her boss 5 years earlier). I suppose just as I learned to pick up on "the signs", she learned better to cover them up. I feel bad for the next "good guy" she gets with. If she doesn't grow up, he's in for a nightmare.
2sunny Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 When there's nothing to hide - people don't hide anything. Put a voice activated recorder in her purse - the ones that look likea pen. See what it brings you...
Steadfast Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 I love this woman, she's the love of my life and I cant imagine being without her and raising our daughter in a broken home. I dont know what to do, I cant force her to want to work this out. IMO, you know exactly what to do, you're just terrified of doing it. Your wife knows you feel this way; it's her ace in the hole. Have you noticed a pattern where she draws towards you when you draw away? And when you begin to trust her again, she sneaks off and does things like this? She's keeping you on the hook. Not ready to let go and start things up with someone else, but motivated to keep you happy so she can keep looking. Friend, no one enjoys the thought of divorce and sorting through the remains of a broken family, but her actions have forced you into a position of having to take a stand. You must establish a boundary that can't be crossed, and she must believe you're capable to going through with it if she does. It isn't pleasant and it isn't fair, but what choice do you have? You can live a life always wondering what your wife is doing when you're not around, or strengthen your resolve to reject that in favor of something better. A life where you're not being betrayed or taken advantage of. For your part, there will be much pain and suffering on that path out, but believe me when I say that dims when compared to a lifetime of uncertainty. It's that simple. You hold the answers. Not her. And she's the problem, not other men. And while any man who enters into a relationship with a married woman is a scumbag, the selfish, greedy nature of men on the prowl means there will always be willing participants. Your wife is the enemy of your marriage, not him. He's a tool to get whatever she thinks she wants. Focus your energy on what you need and don't waste it shooing flies away. She is the problem. Know that. Hang in. Be strong. Others have survived this and flourished. You can too. 2
2sunny Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 Since she has said for a long while she's not in love with you - why aren't you accepting that fact and forcing her to act upon THAT? Have her move out today! Forcing her to stay while she doesn't love you isn't LOVE! Get to reality quickly - act on her words and actions - she's been telling you it's over - so make moves for her that show her you're not settling for being second for her. Pack her bag - hand her the phone - and give her 100.00 - tell her to leave now!
Author IWantTheTruth Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 Thanks for the responses. I just got a call from the guy, I let him know what I discovered and asked him what was going on between them. I asked in a non combative tone and told him that I would hold nothing against him as my wife is the one that should be responsible about this. He told me "straight up, nothing. We've never had any flirting or romantic/sexual involvement, we used to work at a place where everyone got along well with everyone. If there was something going on between us, I would tell you man to man right now, I've been there". Without giving him details, I explained that we are in a situation where she knows she is not supposed to be trying to hide things from me. My wife was happy that I was told what she'd been saying all along, but I told her to wipe the smile off her face because while what I was told was good, it doesnt make the situation all better, nor excuse her inappropriate acts of initiating contact with a male friend, exchanging 30 text messages back and forth and trying to hide it from me. She says the texts were all platonic, I asked him what was in those texts, he said they were just talking about the gym, how's the family, how's work, etc. I agree that all her actions speak loud and clear. I figure either she's only with me for convenience (ive always told her if she didn't want to be with me, all she had to do was say the word), or she's got some kind of learning disability where she's unable to learn lessons. I hate to admit it, but she's not very intelligent, academically. She's not a complete idiot, though her actions in our relationship would suggest otherwise. I'd say she's of average intelligence, which average isnt really smart at all. She says she knows she made a huge mistake with this and wants me to forgive her, I pleaded last night with her to tell me she didn't want to be with me anymore because I wanted to hear her say it, she refused and asserted she is in love with me, though she sure as hell doesn't seem to show it.
2sunny Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 What is YOUR boundary? You must decide that for YOU! What have HER consequences been? Sounds like you are married to a teenaged spoiled brat - who will tell you what you want to hear and DO things behind your back. It's exhausting to monitor someone that way... For me, not worth the effort when they aren't SHOWING complete honesty!
BetrayedH Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 Thanks for the responses. I just got a call from the guy, I let him know what I discovered and asked him what was going on between them. I asked in a non combative tone and told him that I would hold nothing against him as my wife is the one that should be responsible about this. He told me "straight up, nothing. We've never had any flirting or romantic/sexual involvement, we used to work at a place where everyone got along well with everyone. If there was something going on between us, I would tell you man to man right now, I've been there". Without giving him details, I explained that we are in a situation where she knows she is not supposed to be trying to hide things from me. My wife was happy that I was told what she'd been saying all along, but I told her to wipe the smile off her face because while what I was told was good, it doesnt make the situation all better, nor excuse her inappropriate acts of initiating contact with a male friend, exchanging 30 text messages back and forth and trying to hide it from me. She says the texts were all platonic, I asked him what was in those texts, he said they were just talking about the gym, how's the family, how's work, etc. I agree that all her actions speak loud and clear. I figure either she's only with me for convenience (ive always told her if she didn't want to be with me, all she had to do was say the word), or she's got some kind of learning disability where she's unable to learn lessons. I hate to admit it, but she's not very intelligent, academically. She's not a complete idiot, though her actions in our relationship would suggest otherwise. I'd say she's of average intelligence, which average isnt really smart at all. She says she knows she made a huge mistake with this and wants me to forgive her, I pleaded last night with her to tell me she didn't want to be with me anymore because I wanted to hear her say it, she refused and asserted she is in love with me, though she sure as hell doesn't seem to show it. Dude, as if the guy is gonna straight up tell you, "Oh yeah, we're having an affair. Didn't she tell you?" But no worries, she obviously doesn't need to make it all better since you do that for her.
Author IWantTheTruth Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 Oh, and the texts supposedly started off as him saying "who's this" (he didn't recognize her number), and her responding with "Jane", "Jane who?", "Jane that used to work there", "oh!", etc. followed by the other stuff. I tried searching for the deleted texts, but couldn't locate them trough text pad like I had before.
2sunny Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 SOMETHING was going on enough for THEM to both engage in many texts. Something is NOT nothing! And she wouldn't have deleted that something if it were so insignificant! He's not going to tell... And obviously she's not going to be honest either... So you really don't have a marriage at all without honest.
Author IWantTheTruth Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 (edited) I see your guys' points. She hasn't been completely honest. I have a feeling the guy would've told me, like when I found out she was sedating last year, the other guy told me everything. This recent guy sounded sincere, I think he would e told me if there was something going on, otoh, of course I'm aware there's a possibility he may be covering for her. Looking at everything ive written about her sounds very bad, it is very bad. I know this. The more I write and read, the worse it seems. She really is like a spoiled teenage brat. When she was in her teens, her mom never let her date. We dated behind her parents back when she was 19-20, they found out, she left them for me, this was about 10 years ago. She never really had a diverse dating experience, I'm convinced part of her feels she missed out on that. She knows I was a man whore before I met her, I had my fair share of sexual partners, she was a virgin who was sprung on me for our first 6 years together. she was not cute in HS, and blossomed when I met her right after HS. She was an ugly duckling before I met her (I've seen pictures) but she's honestly gotten better looking even since we've been married. I don't know how, but she did. IMO, she's torn between trying to relive her teen years and all the "fun" she missed out on, and being a married woman and mother. Edited June 23, 2012 by IWantTheTruth
Author IWantTheTruth Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 This was very foolish. You really think so? I just wanted her words to match her actions for once. It would at least make me feel like she's being honest with me. But she refused to say it.
SomedayDig Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 I would say that if marriage counseling isn't in your near future (like within the next couple weeks) that the chances of her having a full blown affair are pretty good. Nip it in the bud NOW, man. Do not wait! Think long and hard and answer this: What do YOU truly want?
Author IWantTheTruth Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 SOMETHING was going on enough for THEM to both engage in many texts. Something is NOT nothing! And she wouldn't have deleted that something if it were so insignificant! He's not going to tell... And obviously she's not going to be honest either... So you really don't have a marriage at all without honest. I couldn't agree more. I kept telling her this last night, over and over and over again. She says she agrees too, so I asked her why she deleted them if she had nothing to hide. She said she knew she wasn't supposed to be having contact (even platonic, innocent contact) with non relative males and didn't want me to think there was something going on. Which I told her was really ****ing stupid of her, she said she agreed. Last night was a terrible night for me. I really had to restrain myself from doing anything irrational. I wanted to slap her for doing this, but I know that wouldn't solve anything and would just cause worse, bigger problems for me. I'm not the type that'll hit a woman, I never have, I never will. But I'll be dammed if I wasn't very upset with her last night. Thankfully, God has given me good self control and the ability to manage my anger effectively. I do it for myself and my daughter.
Author IWantTheTruth Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 I would say that if marriage counseling isn't in your near future (like within the next couple weeks) that the chances of her having a full blown affair are pretty good. Nip it in the bud NOW, man. Do not wait! Think long and hard and answer this: What do YOU truly want? I want to raise my daughter in a healthy home with her parents, I don't want to lose the woman I love like I've never loved any of my past women before. I want us to grow old together, I want my wife and our kids to share a cloud in heaven. I want to be able to have the total blind trust I used to have in her. I don't want to have to keep wondering what she's doing when I'm not around, nor do I want to keep sifting through hours of recordings I've captured of her or checking phone records for irregularities. 1
Author IWantTheTruth Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 (edited) Tried to add this to post #16, but doesn't let me. After I got past the anger (and just felt the sorrow), I talked to her in a comforting, non combative tone to try to get her to tell me how she really feels and why she did this. I tried my best to make her feel comfortable telling me what her actions have been showing. She refused, and insisted it was just a very stupid mistake of hers which made the situation worse than it needed to be. I asked her what she wants from me. She said she wanted me to forgive her and to believe that they were just innocent, platonic texts which she wasn't supposed to be initiating anyway. She told me she's willing to do whatever it takes to make it work, and wants us to get the book "not just friends". I told her I would have to talk to the guy first and that what he tells me had better match up with what she told me, which it did. I had custody of her phone the whole night so I know she didn't communicate with him to try to fabricate a story. Like I said, it doesn't make it all better now by any means and it's still a problem which will result in consequences. Edited June 23, 2012 by IWantTheTruth
Just_A_Poster Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 Thanks for the responses. I just got a call from the guy, I let him know what I discovered and asked him what was going on between them. I asked in a non combative tone and told him that I would hold nothing against him as my wife is the one that should be responsible about this. He told me "straight up, nothing. We've never had any flirting or romantic/sexual involvement, we used to work at a place where everyone got along well with everyone. If there was something going on between us, I would tell you man to man right now, I've been there". You honestly BELIEVE what this weasel told you? If he were such a "man" of integrity, he wouldn't BE texting with a married woman in the FIRST place. So his bullsh*t speech about "I would tell you MAN to MAN" is just that - bullsh*t. She no doubt contacted him via the computer to warn him that you had her phone. If she didn't get to warn him (which I highly doubt) did you HONESTLY think the guy was going to tell you the TRUTH and risk your wrath or get his married 'friend' - your wife - in trouble???? Give me a friggen break. He may be a sleaze, but he's not stupid. Secondly, it sounds as though your wife is just hell bent on acting fast and loose with any guy who'll give her the time of day, so why do you bother continually policing her day after day after day? To what end? You already know she has the morals of an alley cat, so what's the point? Is this the life you want to live until you die? Seriously, is it?
Just_A_Poster Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 Tried to add this to post #16, but doesn't let me. After I got past the anger (and just felt the sorrow), I talked to her in a comforting, non combative tone to try to get her to tell me how she really feels and why she did this. I tried my best to make her feel comfortable telling me what her actions have been showing. She refused, and insisted it was just a very stupid mistake of hers which made the situation worse than it needed to be. I asked her what she wants from me. She said she wanted me to forgive her and to believe that they were just innocent, platonic texts which she wasn't supposed to be initiating anyway. She told me she's willing to do whatever it takes to make it work, and wants us to get the book "not just friends". I told her I would have to talk to the guy first and that what he tells me had better match up with what she told me, which it did. I had custody of her phone the whole night so I know she didn't communicate with him to try to fabricate a story. Like I said, it doesn't make it all better now by any means and it's still a problem which will result in consequences. Do you have a computer in your house? Bank on the fact that she's contacting him via computer. Secondly, she has a history of being sneaky. Do you honestly think she's never discussed with him, "if my husband ever finds out, I'm just going to tell him that we're work buddies and we're discussing such and such <insert fabricated bullsh*t story here>. You're giving her WAY too much leeway.
Author IWantTheTruth Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 You honestly BELIEVE what this weasel told you? If he were such a "man" of integrity, he wouldn't BE texting with a married woman in the FIRST place. So his bullsh*t speech about "I would tell you MAN to MAN" is just that - bullsh*t. She no doubt contacted him via the computer to warn him that you had her phone. If she didn't get to warn him (which I highly doubt) did you HONESTLY think the guy was going to tell you the TRUTH and risk your wrath or get his married 'friend' - your wife - in trouble???? Give me a friggen break. He may be a sleaze, but he's not stupid. Secondly, it sounds as though your wife is just hell bent on acting fast and loose with any guy who'll give her the time of day, so why do you bother continually policing her day after day after day? To what end? You already know she has the morals of an alley cat, so what's the point? Is this the life you want to live until you die? Seriously, is it? Absolutely not. The computer is in our bedroom, I was there the whole time, I'm as certain as can be that they had no communication last night. All the same, I know all the signs are crystal clear. Her words and sometimes her actions tell me she does want me. But things like this creole a different story. If I didn't love her, I would've been out the door a long time ago at the first hint.
Plan 9 from OS Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 Truth, I feel very badly for you and your situation. It seems like your wife is definitely immature and deep down probably feels like she did not get her chance to date around in order to see what's out there. I'm not a holy roller, but I am a regular church goer and believer. Marriage should be for life, and if your wife has regrets now, then she needs to deal with that. She chose not to date around and decided to be with you. She probably does love you and I think the marriage can be saved. I think she could benefit from IC, because I bet she has a lot of issues that she needs to work through. Living in an excessively sheltered home life growing up probably stunted her emotional growth. Talking through this with a therapist could be beneficial. I do have a question for you. Do you by any chance have anger issues yourself? I can understand being angry over what your wife has done to you via the sexting and the emotional affair. However, I sometimes get the sense when reading your posts that you seem to be a naturally angry guy. Maybe I misread you - it's hard to read someone on a message board - but I do get that sense. Maybe this is something on your end that needs to be addressed for the betterment of the marriage. IDK, just a suggestion. Appologies if I'm off the mark.
Author IWantTheTruth Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 Truth, I feel very badly for you and your situation. It seems like your wife is definitely immature and deep down probably feels like she did not get her chance to date around in order to see what's out there. I'm not a holy roller, but I am a regular church goer and believer. Marriage should be for life, and if your wife has regrets now, then she needs to deal with that. She chose not to date around and decided to be with you. She probably does love you and I think the marriage can be saved. I think she could benefit from IC, because I bet she has a lot of issues that she needs to work through. Living in an excessively sheltered home life growing up probably stunted her emotional growth. Talking through this with a therapist could be beneficial. I do have a question for you. Do you by any chance have anger issues yourself? I can understand being angry over what your wife has done to you via the sexting and the emotional affair. However, I sometimes get the sense when reading your posts that you seem to be a naturally angry guy. Maybe I misread you - it's hard to read someone on a message board - but I do get that sense. Maybe this is something on your end that needs to be addressed for the betterment of the marriage. IDK, just a suggestion. Appologies if I'm off the mark. Honestly, I don't think I have anger issues. On the contrary, I feel like I handle my anger pretty well. I've never ended up in any trouble over anger in my life. Never had any run ins with the law, I like to live a mellow life and don't like hostility. You're probably picking up on the anger I have over this situation, which it has made me very angry, but like I said, I haven't ever let my anger get the best of me. What's ic?
Plan 9 from OS Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 Honestly, I don't think I have anger issues. On the contrary, I feel like I handle my anger pretty well. I've never ended up in any trouble over anger in my life. Never had any run ins with the law, I like to live a mellow life and don't like hostility. You're probably picking up on the anger I have over this situation, which it has made me very angry, but like I said, I haven't ever let my anger get the best of me. What's ic? IC - individual counseling. JMO, but I think the wife could benefit from seeing a psychologist or some type of therapist to help her with issues she may have experienced growing up. If her home life was as sheltered as it sounds, I think it may have stunted her emotional development. Maybe it's analogous to kids who go to college and are on their own for the first time. Without a mature base, some of these kids go way overboard with the sudden newfound freedoms. I'm thinking your wife may be feeling something like this by getting attention from a nother guy on line for the first time. Without being fully grounded, she took to the attention like a teenager and went crazy over it. Just a guess on my part. Sorry about the anger issue question. It can be hard to interpret emotions by reading someone's thoughts on a message board. I should try to look more at the content of the text itself without trying to interpret emotions.
GLDheart Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 I think you need to play it cool and really gather better evidence before you confront her next time. From my point of view, pointing out small things can be too easily explained. She will get better and better at knowing what you are sensitive to and she will work to cover her tracks. In essence, YOU are training her on how to lie to you. I speak from experience on this one. And wether or not her 30 something texts had crossed any normal lines does not diminish the fact that she has intent. ALL AFFAIRS START AS INNOCENT PLATONIC FRIENDSHIPS. 2
Radu Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 Chances are that the texts can still be recovered because deleting them just puts a special character in front of their names, readying them for overwriting. Find someone who knows how to retrieve this stuff, and get some closure.
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