dad_of_three Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 My wife of over 10 years has me second guessing her faithfulness. There have a been a number of red flags which I recognized and then confirmed via this forum to be enough for pause. Not enough for proof, but enough for pause. Here is the deal, I told her that we've both pulled away from each other and then I suggested we think about that and then sit back down for some more discussion. This step has resulted in some discussion, tears, sex and some emotional connection that was missing prior to taking time "to think about things." I still see red flags, but she can tell me she loves me and she has jumped me twice in the last two days. I feel like it use to and the sex isn't just sex, there is connection there. That said, I also still see red flags. I am not an insecure person. Not in the least. To add to that I am a damn good reader of people, I always have been. There are red flags. My request for feedback... can she love two people? For those of you who have been through affairs... can she love me and the OM? Or does a woman give themselves to one man only? I am anxious to hear any and all opinions! Thank you.
SomedayDig Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 Dude, I have always been a good reader of people. Unfortunately, that didn't apply to my wife. She had a 5 year long affair with a guy. My suggestion is to watch her. If you see red flags...what are they? What are you seeing? Do you see her cheating and if so what are your gut instincts telling you? The reason I ask is that I asked my wife a couple years ago if she was seeing someone and she emphatically said "No...you're the only one". Truth is, I wasn't. Have you put a keylogger on her computer? Secretly installed a GPS tracker on her phone? How bad is it?
2sunny Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 What are the red flags and what else are you doing about it? 1
GLDheart Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 Totally play it cool and gather your evidence. If your fears are true, you will need it for one of two reasons. 1. If you try to reconcile, you will need it to get the whole truth (look up trickle truth). or sadly 2. If you divorce, it may be important for divorce and custody issues (I figure your screenname means kids will be dragged through this mess).
BetrayedH Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 (edited) Can she have fantastic emotional sex with you while having an affair? Oh hell yeah. It's a combination of things. She's absolutely scared to death that she is almost busted and she's trying to throw you off (she's probably taking it further underground already); she is torn between you and her OM and so this is her attempt to "work on the marriage"; she feels a bit guilty and will throw you a bone. Can we be fooled? Sadly, yep. I had been with my wife for 19 years, married 12, 2 great kids, we both had good jobs, had a good marriage, rarely argued, and while I wasn't perfect, I was a good husband by almost any standard. You wouldn't believe the crap I found out. It's been well over a year and I'm still shocked. As the other posters will also say, trust your gut, NEVER reveal your sources, and investigate. I put a $200 GPS in my wife's car. There are lots of other ways. If you find nothing, thank goodness for you, her, and your marriage. If you find something, the last thing you'll feel is guilt over your spying. You need to know. Good luck. Edit to add: my wife's affair was 13 months with about 50 or so hotel visits during the day. We had improving sex about twice a week during her affair and so I dismissed a few (not many) red flags. Also, I cannot stress enough the need to NOT confront her when you find the first piece of evidence. You NEED to find out how deep the rabbit hole goes for the sake of your sanity whether you reconcile or not. Trust US on that one. She WILL lie to minimize the damage. This should be obvious to you but you're likely to want to offer cheap forgiveness earlier than you think. When I confronted my wife, I held her as she cried, apologized and thanked God that I finally knew. Wow, was she lying and sadly, she never stopped over another 7 months of reconciling. Everyone that knows her is shocked. Edited June 23, 2012 by BetrayedH 1
Author dad_of_three Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 Thanks for the replies. This is exactly the sort of encouragement I need to continue what I started. I'll be back...
Author dad_of_three Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 I am dropping in to say that I am really struggling. In my heart and soul I could not do to anyone what she is doing to me. I am thankful beyond words for the loveshack. I don't know how you get through something like this without knowing that others have endured the same. I hurt for me, but I hurt for my children even more. Exponentially more. They deserve a better mother and why in the world did I choose her to bring them into an otherwise wonderful world?
BetrayedH Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 I am dropping in to say that I am really struggling. In my heart and soul I could not do to anyone what she is doing to me. I am thankful beyond words for the loveshack. I don't know how you get through something like this without knowing that others have endured the same. I hurt for me, but I hurt for my children even more. Exponentially more. They deserve a better mother and why in the world did I choose her to bring them into an otherwise wonderful world? I agree with 2Sunny that the community at large will need some information in order to help. Sign yourself up for individual counseling, too. We're not professionals. Certainly, this is about the most devastating thing you can go thru. You will find a ton of ppl here that have survived the same thing. It's going to be a roller coaster. The love/hate thing will drive you mad. Take care of yourself. Slow down your decision-making process, at least enough to make decisions with your head and not with your emotions. You need your wits about you. Otherwise, steel yourself for a long journey and you've barely started. I'm sorry you find yourself here but rest assured that you are not alone and you can make it through to the other side of this (and your children will do better than you expect).
GLDheart Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 ...AND for the love of god, please be FULLY AWARE of the gender bias you will probably face as the man. If I only had a hidden camera recording the night I tried to end my relationship with my ex....... can you say "exculpatory evidence"? The nightmare this woman has brought down upon me. Seriously. You may want a witness around if things come to a head.
Steadfast Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 If you suspect something is going on, then it probably is. Unless of course, you make a habit out of such things. I've known people like that. Use care. IMO, not many women will commit to a sexual relationship with two men; especially, if one of them is her husband. In most cases, the cheating wife shows a decided lack of interest in her husband. That is some, not all. I have read a surprising number of accounts here of that happening. Dreadful! Unless work or health issue are at play, a husband and wife should be together. I'm guessing your wife is gone and you're twisted with worry. For now, please do remember that actions speak louder than words. It's what she does that counts, not tears (a woman's best weapon) or commentary. Share when you're ready, or have something of substance. Hang in. These things seem like the end of the world, but in many cases it is your first fleeting peek at a better life ahead. Think before speaking. Keep control.
firemanq Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 You have our sympathy. Everyone here has been where you are. You will receive conflicting suggestions. Some will say rude things to you. You will be called names and told how stupid you are. But, as we have been there, we are trying to help. Read some of the other stories here, you may find some consolation that you are not the first, and you will not be the last. As I read some of stories, I found myself screaming at the actions of some people here. But,only because I could see my past actions in dealing with my x-wife. Stick around, we can help. One reason we help, is because helping you, helps us stop our pain.
Author dad_of_three Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 You have our sympathy. Everyone here has been where you are. You will receive conflicting suggestions. Some will say rude things to you. You will be called names and told how stupid you are. But, as we have been there, we are trying to help. Read some of the other stories here, you may find some consolation that you are not the first, and you will not be the last. As I read some of stories, I found myself screaming at the actions of some people here. But,only because I could see my past actions in dealing with my x-wife. Stick around, we can help. One reason we help, is because helping you, helps us stop our pain. Thanks for the support. She knows I am on to her and until such time as she leaves or I get some evidence, its a holy hell.
BetrayedH Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Thanks for the support. She knows I am on to her and until such time as she leaves or I get some evidence, its a holy hell. If I may ask, what are you doing to investigate. You might be surprised at the inventiveness of some of the suggestions you'll find here. As you said, been there, done that.
Author dad_of_three Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 If I may ask, what are you doing to investigate. You might be surprised at the inventiveness of some of the suggestions you'll find here. As you said, been there, done that. I am all ears for any suggestions. At this time I think she is in an EA, so most of my investigating has been aimed that way. I am reluctant to share details in the unlikely event she has found her way here. I figure its better to be safe than sorry. Thank you for the support!
reboot Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Let us know if you need suggestions as to how to monitor her. Between us, we've probably done it all.
BetrayedH Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Common ones are a keylogger for her computer, looking at phone and bank records, checking internet history, installing voice activated recorders (under the steering column in her car, or the ones that look like a pen for her purse). You might also search for her to have a pre-paid cell phone - likely stored in the car. And I already mentioned the GPS but that doesn't help if it is an EA.
Author dad_of_three Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 C You might also search for her to have a pre-paid cell phone - likely stored in the car. Bingo! This is where I am at now. I am 99.9% certain she has one of these, but I have yet to find it. She will not let me take the keys and get in the car. Honestly though, I really just want to be done with it all. I know it will cost me money without the proof, but I wonder if its just better to be true to myself and take the financial hit. I am very comfortable with this thought and I feel like I am a decent man. I know with all my heart that the Good Lord knows that I am a good man. She is on to me and even knows that I recognize her protecting the car and keeping stuff in there. Please give me reason not to move on and find peace. I know in my heart that she is no longer with me and moving on is really a matter of money. I do not think she will keep my children from me. Thoughts? Please share as you feel you can.
BetrayedH Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Bingo! This is where I am at now. I am 99.9% certain she has one of these, but I have yet to find it. She will not let me take the keys and get in the car. Honestly though, I really just want to be done with it all. I know it will cost me money without the proof, but I wonder if its just better to be true to myself and take the financial hit. I am very comfortable with this thought and I feel like I am a decent man. I know with all my heart that the Good Lord knows that I am a good man. She is on to me and even knows that I recognize her protecting the car and keeping stuff in there. Please give me reason not to move on and find peace. I know in my heart that she is no longer with me and moving on is really a matter of money. I do not think she will keep my children from me. Thoughts? Please share as you feel you can. Time to talk to an attorney. Infidelity is rarely much of a factor these days when it comes to divorce. Wish I had known before I hired a PI to get more evidence. Most states are "no fault" divorce states in which they don't care whose fault it is - they just divide the stuff and the kids are usually 50/50 unless one parent is a demonstrable danger to the kids. In some cases, infidelity may play a factor in custody or more likely alimony (usually not even worth pursuing unless there's a significant disparity in income). But again, it depends on the laws of the state where you live, thus, you need an attorney to advise you. He may want you to gather proof or he may say don't worry about it.
BetrayedH Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Bingo! This is where I am at now. I am 99.9% certain she has one of these, but I have yet to find it. She will not let me take the keys and get in the car. Honestly though, I really just want to be done with it all. I know it will cost me money without the proof, but I wonder if its just better to be true to myself and take the financial hit. I am very comfortable with this thought and I feel like I am a decent man. I know with all my heart that the Good Lord knows that I am a good man. She is on to me and even knows that I recognize her protecting the car and keeping stuff in there. Please give me reason not to move on and find peace. I know in my heart that she is no longer with me and moving on is really a matter of money. I do not think she will keep my children from me. Thoughts? Please share as you feel you can. Two other thoughts: (1). Money has a way of sorting itself out. Hard to explain but it's true. My wife is likely to end up paying me because she has a higher amount of the marital assets in her name (plus she has a higher income and the infidelity can affect alimony in my state). (2). Don't leave the house. When it comes to custody, you likely want to have custody of the children as much as humanly possible until your divorce is settled. Leaving can be seen as abandonment. BTW, I planted and retrieved the GPS into/from my wife's car in the middle of the night. Bet you're trying the same thing. Bet her keys are in her purse on her nighstand, right? Scares the crap out of you getting those damn things, doesn't it? I was crawling on the floor on her side of the bed like a damn fool. Pales in comparison to how much a fool I felt after discovering 17 stays at one hotel. In the end, it was more like 50-70 when I eventually put all the hotels together. What a waste of 20 years. Sorry you are in this spot.
Author dad_of_three Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 BH, thank you for your time! It really does help to hear from other people that have been through this. I do have one update. Last Sunday I checked her computer's history (which is hard to do as she keeps it locked out with a password) and found a link to a bank account that I didn't know about. When I asked her about it her first response was "why do you want to see that?" She is a working mom, but our financial stuff is shared in one account (or so I thought). Is it just me or is her response in-and-of-itself incriminating? First, she has a secret account which is a HUGE red flag, and Second, if you have nothing to hide, why wouldn't you just give up the account number and password? I told her that I want the last 9 months of statements for that account and that I want them yesterday. She said its has a credit card with a balance tied to it. This stuff is really, really hard. I just want to end it. I know the healing process is going to be so long, but the sooner I start it the sooner I will be whole again. That said, my children are my primary concern. I feel like I owe it to them to make sure I follow through and find the evidence.
2sunny Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Answering a question with a question is an avoidance tactic! She didn't want to give that info. Where does her statement go? Online or mailed somewhere else? Why would she need a new account and credit card if she isn't hiding anything?
Author dad_of_three Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 Answering a question with a question is an avoidance tactic! She didn't want to give that info. Where does her statement go? Online or mailed somewhere else? Why would she need a new account and credit card if she isn't hiding anything? I don't know where her statement goes. I figure I should be able to see that when I see her statements. Yeah, I've been sick to my stomach since Sunday. I am not sure she will produce the statements, if she doesn't, then I don't need anymore evidence and I will be going straight to my lawyer. If she does, I suspect I will still be going to see my lawyer. She already admitted to getting cash off of the card, so she maybe hiding it that way and the statement will not show me anything much about spending. I guess if I see lots of cash withdrawals, then that tells me something also. Thanks again for the input
BetrayedH Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 BH, thank you for your time! It really does help to hear from other people that have been through this. I do have one update. Last Sunday I checked her computer's history (which is hard to do as she keeps it locked out with a password) and found a link to a bank account that I didn't know about. When I asked her about it her first response was "why do you want to see that?" She is a working mom, but our financial stuff is shared in one account (or so I thought). Is it just me or is her response in-and-of-itself incriminating? First, she has a secret account which is a HUGE red flag, and Second, if you have nothing to hide, why wouldn't you just give up the account number and password? I told her that I want the last 9 months of statements for that account and that I want them yesterday. She said its has a credit card with a balance tied to it. This stuff is really, really hard. I just want to end it. I know the healing process is going to be so long, but the sooner I start it the sooner I will be whole again. That said, my children are my primary concern. I feel like I owe it to them to make sure I follow through and find the evidence. You can certainly decide to call it quits if you want but I think you may want evidence for your own state of mind and to know that you can feel right telling your kids (later in life) that this wasn't your fault. One other thing that gave me some patience was that I had already invested so many years in the marriage, what was a few months or even another year going to matter? By the way, her refusal to answer is obviously incriminating but won't be enough for anyone. One good thing is that during a divorce, she would be forced to disclose all of her financial data. Make a note about whatever you know about this account. She probably pays for her hotels from it. On a side note, she may also have a PO Box for the statements and love letters to go to. Sorry, brother. There's not much worse than all of this business. Use your head, not your emotions. And quit confronting her...she's going to go seriously underground until you drop your guard. Oh, and I still say to get the GPS. Mine came with a protective case with a serious magnet so it could be placed under the wheel well; you don't even have to get it into the car.
Author dad_of_three Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 When I found an account for Mr. Messy that I knew nothing about it turns out he also had an internet business I knew nothing about. See a lawyer. I've already contacted a lawyer and I honestly just want to start the process, but I don't want to look back and wish I had obtained proof. And even more importantly, I want to make sure I have proof because my children deserve that. They love both of us and this is going to be harder on them than it will be on me. With proof I can not be second guessed and she can not try to fill their heads with BS. Or at least it will be harder for her. The problem is that I just don't know how much longer I am willing to live like this. Its starting to effect work and I one of my boys has even asked me whats the matter.
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