Silly_Girl Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 I asked graciously for your input yet you asked me other questions and commented on other side things but haven't really said anything about the most important aspect.... I hadn't noticed you ask me specifically. And YOU say it's the most important aspect, I think we see this differently. I simply don't believe NC is a cure-all and I think it can be more destructive if used in the wrong situation.
MissBee Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 I hadn't noticed you ask me specifically. And YOU say it's the most important aspect, I think we see this differently. I simply don't believe NC is a cure-all and I think it can be more destructive if used in the wrong situation. So what would be an alternative in your opinion, for discussion's sake? I have never said I think it is a cure all but gave a specific case where I think it's useful...if you disagree that it wouldn't be useful, I simply wanted to hear what your opposing advice would be in the case I presented.
MissBee Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 I'd like to know myself.........if one can't escape the pain or see light on the other side, then what choice does one have if they want to keep their sanity and self respect? Going NC means giving up hope and that is damn hard to do, but seriously......what else can one do, bargain with the devil? Well hopefully some other posters will share their alternatives.... I concede to not knowing an alternative in such cases....I made my case for why I think NC is best in that case. But haven't seen the case made as yet for a solution B that isn't NC, in such cases.
onthefence210 Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 I see what you are saying but I think the author has it backwards. NC is no contact. None. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Forever. I mean, it's NC. No Contact. What she is describing is not NC as there is contact - which clearly violates the "no" in "no contact". How can it be NC if they are in contact? I do get a sense of what the author is trying to say by NC - I think she means LC. I think what the author is saying is NC is the only way to break the cycle and end A - because there is no functional difference between her "cold turkey" and NC. I think she is referring to the NC that is forced on the WS when caught. AP don't anticipate getting caught, they do everything they can to not get caught if they need their marriages to survive for whatever the reasons. Forcing NC on a WS who is not ready to give up their drug of choice (their OW/OM) will agree to NC until the anxiety kicks in, and even a chat here and there relieves the WS enough to get them thru another period of NC. My AP and I did this a lot. Suspected by his W (NC for 5 weeks), caught by my H, (NC for 1 week), finally both confessed and decided on NC for 1 month and would check in with each other ever month from then on. That lasted 4 months until finally I realized I didn't need him in my life. I needed to get him out of it so that I could fix myself. So that I could understand wtf had happened to me to allow myself to hurt so many people and to become someone that I was no longer proud of. Affairs are crazy. I still can't believe that was me doing the things I did over a 2 1/2 yr period. Yet it made me face some hard realities in not just my marriage but myself as a whole. I wasn't whole, that's how my A happened. I have only one regret from my A...that I had to hurt so many people to finally be honest with myself about how my M went bad. Yet it made me confront all the demons in my closet and with the help of IC, I'm working my way to a whole. So the NC she is prob talking about is the NC on a daily basis. Just enough contact to relieve the withdrawal symptoms, to reassure that the feelings are still there. AP who truly want to save their marriages don't look at the NC as NC. We look at it as I'm done doing this awful thing to other people and they just stop. They control their urges for contact by knowing its in their best interest not to. They focus on rebuilding a life with their spouse and or getting a divorce but most importantly, they focus on changing themselves so that they never feel like they need someone or something to make them whole. Well that's my opinion and so far, I am proud of who I am becoming and look forward to being a compliment to the life of the man who I can share a reality with when I'm ready for that. So not proud of my A, but until I could be honest with myself, I needed him in my life. Not what he wanted, but thankfully we were both done being something we both hated...liars. We said our Goodbyes because sometimes what you want more is self respect and no one in their right mind can have that during an A. They may think they do, but they don't. People have A's for different reasons. Mine was mostly an EA as he lived in another state. I lacked that emotional intimacy my entire marriage, yet I never fully understood what that meant until I was emotionally involved with someone else. My H and I have been to MC and he doesn't understand my need for emotional intimacy as he has never had that either. He is all physical and believes that as long as he provides for me and the kids, that says what he feels. And it's spouses who are betrayed, who can't take a look at how they contributed to the break down in the M, yet force a NC, make it ok for the WS to justify the the NC with a check in. I learned a lot during my A. But I'm most proud that I learned that I was the only problem I was responsible for fixing. I can only change myself and marriages just don't work if one is changing and the other isn't. Well not unless the other is supportive of the changes. 1
MissBee Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 (edited) When you're done you're done, and nobody needs to tell you anything because you know it is over. Well in that case they wouldn't be here asking for advice if they are that self-assured... So what about those who ARE here asking for advice, who are torn, who are hurting, who feel like they're going crazy and are confused and upset because they feel no decisions are being made or they can't make a decision, those who haven't gotten to the firm point of being done, or they know what to do but are scared? The OP from the other thread where you posted the article initially, she herself suggested NC and discussed it in her post...what should others say to her then? Edited June 23, 2012 by MissBee 1
UpwardForward Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 I don't think NC is effective unless the NC-er is totally conditioned and Ready in their mind Beforehand that they are Through, and that this is the very best way to proceed - for their own sanctity and strength. NC in itself is not an ending, just a means of guilt if NC-er is not Truly ready to dump NC-ee. 3
alexandria35 Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 Wow. This is a great discussion and I can see the merit in all the opinions. In a way I get what trinity is saying because I've experienced failed NC in a relationship before and I've learned what can make NC successful and what can sabatoge NC and make it seem futile. If a person in NC is going to spend their days pining for their "soulmate" and romanticizing their fairytale romance then they are not going to see much success in their NC. As long as the person believes that they have lost the greatest "love" of their life and that they will never find another they will stay stuck. NC is for moving on and if you're going to spend every moment of every day thinking about your lost love then you are not moving on. Still even in this situation I wouldn't agree that NC is pointless or without rewards. Sometimes a period of NC gives a person a chance to clear their head and think about things without the constant imput and pressure of their affair partner. When a person breaks NC and falls back into the relationship they may initially feel that the NC was pointless because they didn't gain anything and they are too weak to resist. Often this isn't entirely true either. Sometimes after a period of no contact the person will fall back into the relationship only to find that they actually have less tolerance for the problems within the relationship and they find they reach their breaking point much sooner and soon they have gone no contact again. They may go through this cycle several times with each go around in the relationship being shorter and shorter as the person gains more and more strength and clarity with each period of no contact. Just like a smoker sometimes has to make several attempts at quitting so before they are successful so do some people in addictive relationships. And they say that every attempt at quitting smoking is easier than the last attempt. The OP in the other thread wasn't thinking of NC as means to ending the relationship forever. She wanted to go NC for a few months so that they could each focus on their families and mainly their children and help them through this truamatic event. Again I don't see this as a negative or bad reason for NC. This is a time in their lives when their families should take center stage. If the affair partners are so in love and so sure of their future lives together, how will a few months apart so that they can end their current relationships properly and with care be a bad thing? If my partner couldn't wait it out for a couple of months so that I could put my energy into ending my marriage and see to my childs emotional health, then that person is selfish and unable to consider anyone elses needs or feelings, not even a childs, and this isn't someone I would want in my life anyways. 1
MissBee Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 (edited) Ummm that is NC as the article you posted a link to said in the last sentence. "Cold Turkey, one day at a time. That works. But the person has to make a very firm decision that this is truly the end and then grieve the permanent loss." So by that reasoning it's seems you are saying it's pointless to post on LS for advice/help because if you post, you aren't done and nc is moot/not an option. I think it stands to reason that most people posting on LS for advice, aren't self assured about being done. I think many come to LS to eventually be done...and NC is also a means to eventually be done. Cold turkey doesn't work for some...NC, even with it's back and forth, helps many to eventually be done. NC is hard for most...period. Even when you are done with a relationship, the idea that because you realize it must end, you sail off into NC and it is not difficult is false. NC isn't only hard when you end "prematurely" (whatever that means...as if I am to end a relationship, and I am so conflicted, ending it tomorrow or next week is all the same...it's ending and I can prolong it or not)..but hard even when you realize it is for the best. Just because you have to break up and think it's for the best doesn't mean you don't miss the person and don't want to run back or have weak moments...yet it is implied that if you feel that way it's because you're traumatizing yourself with a premature NC...this is so not true. Even the few MM who divorce to be with the OW have to go through a grieving period and OW don't say it's because he prematurely went NC with his exW . In the grieving period, you hurt, and NC is often necessary during this period. But grieving or even panicking doesn't mean it's the wrong thing....it's just how you detach. Some people perhaps can detach while still being in the relationship, so can end it and not look back, for some, there is still hope or they haven't detached so need NC to do so and that period still is awkward and scary and hurts because it is a huge change. *I'm also discussing NC in the context of the OW/OM deciding on this...not the WS. Edited June 23, 2012 by MissBee 1
bentnotbroken Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 (edited) I'd like to know myself.........if one can't escape the pain or see light on the other side, then what choice does one have if they want to keep their sanity and self respect? Going NC means giving up hope and that is damn hard to do, but seriously......what else can one do, bargain with the devil? NC worked for me. I loved Mr.Messy since I was a teen. I didn't like him very much at times but always loved him. NC was a way to remove myself from the insanity and continued pain he caused with his lies and actions. It was advice given by my counselor, my minister and my family. It was protection for me that allowed me clear my senses. After he was served is when most of what I really was feeling came to the surface. I guess as long as I had a plan of action (before exposure) I didn't need NC, I needed to gather more proof. I always advise BS to take care of themselves and to do what is best. I personally believe that NC is necessary if the the WS and BS choose to reconcile. It is what most MC advise in order to focus all energies into the marriage. It is what many IC advise for one to focus all energies on healing oneself. I am sure there are those counselors who will say whatever they think their client wants to hear to keep them coming back...but I feel as if most of them don't really give a damn about their client in the end....just the money they can get from them. Edited June 23, 2012 by bentnotbroken 1
onthefence210 Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 NC worked for me. I loved Mr.Messy since I was a teen. I didn't like him very much at times but always loved him. NC was a way to remove myself from the insanity and continued pain he caused with his lies and actions. It was advice given by my counselor, my minister and my family. It was protection for me that allowed me clear my senses. After he was served is when most of what I really was feeling came to the surface. I guess as long as I had a plan of action (before exposure) I didn't need NC, I needed to gather more proof. I always advise BS to take care of themselves and to do what is best. I personally believe that NC is necessary if the the WS and BS choose to reconcile. It is what most MC advise in order to focus all energies into the marriage. It is what many IC advise for one to focus all energies on healing oneself. I am sure there are those counselors who will say whatever they think their client wants to hear to keep them coming back...but I feel as if most of them don't really give a damn about their client in the end....just the money they can get from them. I think that is the key...the WS must want the marriage to change. They may stay but do nothing to change themselves to make the marriage work and expect in return the BS to do a little self examination too to see how this could ever happen. People don't cheat when they are mature in asking to get their needs met. People don't cheat when they are so happy with who they are as a whole. They are missing something that either they've asked for from their spouse and couldn't get and were too weak to either change or get out. Affairs are just a means of escape from a reality without actually having to deal with the real problems...our own selves. My xmm refused counseling with his wife because he doesn't want to fix his marriage and his W doesn't want to acknowledge her addictions to alcohol and pot. So I was his escape. She could force a NC all day long, and we'd find untraceable ways to communicate like FaceTime, and his work phone. I know why he stays and that's because he can stay exactly the way he is, no consequences and a W that is like most who have it way better with the WS then they'd have on their own. So that's why NC doesn't work until one or both is done. When an A is found out...I wholeheartedly believe the BS should follow thru with consequences of the the WS actions if he/she is to regain what was lost during, and because the A occurred. But both have to be willing to do the work to fix what was broken way before someone else came in the picture. Forcing NC on a S that truly wants his/her marriage to work isn't necessary...it's common sense. If the WS feels the need to contact or remain in some type of contact and you find out yet, play the victim and can't follow thru on a boundary clearly crossed with a threat, expect for it to happen As far a being a BS...if the A or continuing contact is a deal breaker for you and you choose to have NC with your S, then yes, for the person who has consciously made a choice for their best interest, it's easier to assign the term "NC" to it. I think the difference is in an A, NC implies being forced to do something you don't want. Vs a WS just acknowledging and owning their mistake and moving forward to either rebuild their M or rebuild their life alone. My H asked for me to never contact xmm yet it took until I realized that being in my A had changed me and I no longer liked who I had become. That's when I let go. Let myself deal with the emotions, and it literally felt worse then a death, and start working on myself. Now if I had an H that applied consequences to my actions...I may be saying something different. He to this day has not made me accountable for what I've done other then out me to my family. He went back to being exactly who he is, and expects different results. I can promise myself that I will never put myself in a situation where I cant be proud of myself, but I also will not let my H off the hook that although I made the conscious choice to cheat...I am not the only one who needs to face reality!!! And there is no need for NC when you know in your heart that you no longer want to be the person you'd become in your A. You just decide its time to change and hopefully learn from your mistakes.
onthefence210 Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 I think what I'm trying to say is that when a WS is truly remorseful for their actions the A is no longer an issue...it's just over. It's just something that you accept has happened, you can't change it and there are more important things then getting your fix, whether it be your marriage or getting out. Either way the focus becomes about changing who you are as a person, and forgiveness. Having the term NC applied to an end of an affair is totally irrelevant in a marriage if both the WS and the BS are committed to fixing what is broken, starting with themselves. But I can also say that with every day that I don't speak to my xmm, I can see that I am allowing myself to grow into the person I was never able to be when I was in that relationship, and thats someone with integrity. I no longer wish nothing for him, and can focus on me and my kids. And I no longer try to change my H into someone he isn't.
bentnotbroken Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 I think that is the key...the WS must want the marriage to change. They may stay but do nothing to change themselves to make the marriage work and expect in return the BS to do a little self examination too to see how this could ever happen. People don't cheat when they are mature in asking to get their needs met. People don't cheat when they are so happy with who they are as a whole. They are missing something that either they've asked for from their spouse and couldn't get and were too weak to either change or get out. Affairs are just a means of escape from a reality without actually having to deal with the real problems...our own selves. My xmm refused counseling with his wife because he doesn't want to fix his marriage and his W doesn't want to acknowledge her addictions to alcohol and pot. So I was his escape. She could force a NC all day long, and we'd find untraceable ways to communicate like FaceTime, and his work phone. I know why he stays and that's because he can stay exactly the way he is, no consequences and a W that is like most who have it way better with the WS then they'd have on their own. So that's why NC doesn't work until one or both is done. When an A is found out...I wholeheartedly believe the BS should follow thru with consequences of the the WS actions if he/she is to regain what was lost during, and because the A occurred. But both have to be willing to do the work to fix what was broken way before someone else came in the picture. Forcing NC on a S that truly wants his/her marriage to work isn't necessary...it's common sense. If the WS feels the need to contact or remain in some type of contact and you find out yet, play the victim and can't follow thru on a boundary clearly crossed with a threat, expect for it to happen As far a being a BS...if the A or continuing contact is a deal breaker for you and you choose to have NC with your S, then yes, for the person who has consciously made a choice for their best interest, it's easier to assign the term "NC" to it. I think the difference is in an A, NC implies being forced to do something you don't want. Vs a WS just acknowledging and owning their mistake and moving forward to either rebuild their M or rebuild their life alone. My H asked for me to never contact xmm yet it took until I realized that being in my A had changed me and I no longer liked who I had become. That's when I let go. Let myself deal with the emotions, and it literally felt worse then a death, and start working on myself. Now if I had an H that applied consequences to my actions...I may be saying something different. He to this day has not made me accountable for what I've done other then out me to my family. He went back to being exactly who he is, and expects different results. I can promise myself that I will never put myself in a situation where I cant be proud of myself, but I also will not let my H off the hook that although I made the conscious choice to cheat...I am not the only one who needs to face reality!!! And there is no need for NC when you know in your heart that you no longer want to be the person you'd become in your A. You just decide its time to change and hopefully learn from your mistakes. This is an interesting statement. Maybe for another day.
Snakechammah Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 I'd find it hard to believe that someone could just say to their AP one day - OK NC - don't ever contact me again & NEVER AGAIN talk with their ex. Honestly, for the record, what you said in bold is entirely possible. I am a living, breathing example of a natural NC person in this world. Maybe it's how I am being programmed since birth, but once it is over - by him or by me, I truly, honestly, NEVER want to speak to them again - or even remotely think about them at all. Anytime any of my exes email me 1 week, 1 month, heck 2 years later - it goes straight to the bin. Not even a word of reply. They probably think I'm dead, lol. I don't even remember their names or our memories! I am not cold or bitchy towards them - I just sincerely don't give a rat's ass about their existence the moment the relationship ended. Even if it ended amicably. Mostly, I was the one who initiated the break-up, and MOST unfortunately, I was never in love. Even when I was in love - yes it's hard - after the break-up, I do the random text or email but after a week - distraction set in - poof, his very existence erased from my memory. I can't even explain why? On a sidenote - for anyone who knows astrology - I have venus in aquarius and uranus in the 7th house. A double whammy. I could be the cold-one-in-a-million - but heck, just sayin' it is possible.
SBC Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 (edited) In my situation, after every bout of NC, we were closer than ever. And now that he has moved out from his W to his own apartment, we still will go a day without talking if we are at odds with each other over something. And we keep getting closer. It gives the other person room to think, and then when we get back together, we have calmed down, thought things through and are happy to see each other again. Then we discuss the problem, and move past it easily. So, NC doesn't work? What does that mean really? Edited June 23, 2012 by SBC
mercy Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 No one can force anyone to do anything they don't want to, least of all people on the internet that you don't know and have no attachment to. If strangers can force your hand on a message board...then you have other issues. No matter what people in real life or online advised me, I did what I wanted to do when I came on LS for advice. They simply gave me new things to consider or reinforced thoughts I already had. But no one could have forced me or tricked me into making a choice I didn't want to make. Likewise, most adults who come on LS don't just swallow LS pills blindly...and again, if they do, they have other issues on top of their A. Everyone has to decide what is best for them after reading the advice here. People will most likely follow the advice that resonates with them on some level. But to believe LS can force people to take actions or not take actions is giving LS members way too much power. In the thread where the article was brought up, the OP herself was the one who suggested NC with her MM. People merely agreed with her. No one tried to beat her over her head or force her to do something she didn't already want to do or wasn't already considering. I don't know what your story was when you came here...but I would agree that if one claims they are happy and want to remain in the A, then telling them to go NC is pointless. But someone who is highly upset, hurt, confused and tired of the A, but who still isn't strong enough to leave...should receive realistic advice on all sides. Not just "Go NC. The end." OR "just wait if you love him". Realistic advice is looking at what is really going on, what the poster wants to do and what they're saying about the situation and how it affects them, and what seems to be going on with the other person and advising based on that.In the end it is up to the OP to decide what advice is useful...at the end of the day,. everyone will do what they want, regardless of LS and either way they will learn from their mistakes, whether the mistake was in listening to LS OR in not listening to LS. For each person who said LS's advice didn't help them or made their situation worse, there are many many many others who come back to say LS was right or the advice helped them and was spot on in their situation. So people have to do what they want to do and learn from it..however it turns out. eh, you're such a smarty pants! Teasing you! Such wise, wise words. 2
Art_Critic Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 It's always been my experience that NC fails when someone fails to apply NC and continues contact. I have seen many excuses used to break NC and when they do and the pain comes back they then are a NC failure. NC if applied correctly works, 100% of the time unless you have children. 2
Summer Breeze Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 NC happens naturally when a R has run its course. When the R is still in motion the key is power. More precisely keeping or reclaiming your own power. I went into the A with my own rules and boundaries that MM agreed to. I never let them slide and when he tried to cross the boundaries I pushed back. I was lucky enough to have some maturity and life experience to know not to allow a serious imbalance of power. When I see OM/OW in here that are in the middle of an A they are giving up their power for the AP. Waiting and wondering about what's going on and letting someone else do all the defining of the R. If there was enough strength in them to not allow someone else to define the R then they would regain their power. In that power comes the strength to say 'this is the way it will go' or 'I'm not happy now so I think it's done'. I look at all Rs that way. You can never allow it to be run by only 1 participant. I think NC is inevitable but I don't think that's what really needs to be encouraged. Getting some strength to make the R what you want. Keeping the strength to see that if it can't be what you want then you can see it and walk away if it's best for you. I don't know if I've explained it well but I think OW/OM can reclaim their lives and their position in the R and there's a good possibility their situation will gain clarity so they can make the right choices for themselves, whether it be NC or to carry on till they've had enough.
MissBee Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 NC happens naturally when a R has run its course. When the R is still in motion the key is power. More precisely keeping or reclaiming your own power. I went into the A with my own rules and boundaries that MM agreed to. I never let them slide and when he tried to cross the boundaries I pushed back. I was lucky enough to have some maturity and life experience to know not to allow a serious imbalance of power. When I see OM/OW in here that are in the middle of an A they are giving up their power for the AP. Waiting and wondering about what's going on and letting someone else do all the defining of the R. If there was enough strength in them to not allow someone else to define the R then they would regain their power. In that power comes the strength to say 'this is the way it will go' or 'I'm not happy now so I think it's done'. I look at all Rs that way. You can never allow it to be run by only 1 participant. I think NC is inevitable but I don't think that's what really needs to be encouraged. Getting some strength to make the R what you want. Keeping the strength to see that if it can't be what you want then you can see it and walk away if it's best for you. I don't know if I've explained it well but I think OW/OM can reclaim their lives and their position in the R and there's a good possibility their situation will gain clarity so they can make the right choices for themselves, whether it be NC or to carry on till they've had enough. I think when most advocate for NC, they're doing so, thinking of NC as a means for the person in the midst of the storm to gain some strength and power. For many, going NC is the first time they're making some kind of decision instead of, as you've rightly described, allowing someone else to dictate the relationship as they are dragged along in confusion and limbo.
Silly_Girl Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 I'd like to know myself.........if one can't escape the pain or see light on the other side, then what choice does one have if they want to keep their sanity and self respect? Going NC means giving up hope and that is damn hard to do, but seriously......what else can one do, bargain with the devil? You're doing the same LG. Prescribing the circumstances. I came here, I was hurting, I DID see light on the other side. Many posters advised me to go NC. And again later. It wasn't for me, it made it more painful for me. It created more drama in the long run. So what I'm trying to say to Miss Bee, and now you, is that you're already pre-judging. You're setting up a scenario in your posts then offering what seems a natural solution, to you. It's not possible to list all potential scenarios that could turn up on the board, but I do feel strongly that NC is often advocated when it's not appropriate, or that the thought of NC to someone who's not there yet simply means a poster aligns him/herself more firmly in the camp of anti-NC and could mean they invest more in the relationship, not less. I've seen some great posts that say 'this is where I see your R going', and walks the poster down various alleys, and engages the poster in thought and consideration. That can be quite powerful. To me it's much more powerful than 'you're wrong/sick/immoral/something else, go NC'. Or 'he doesn't really love you, he's using you, if you want to retain any self-respect, go NC!'. I shall leave this now because I've been down this cul-de-sac before on the OW board, and what I feel on it I feel passionately from deep in my heart and it's pointless to argue when it's unlikely to achieve anything. 1
woinlove Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 The article seems rather superficial and the conclusion (NC one day at a time is the way to go) does seem at odds with the rest of the article. She makes an analogy to cocaine addiction, which perhaps has some merit, as some people in affairs seem to behave as if they are addicted. Part of getting over an addiction is building a new life which is satisfying without the addiction and I think that works for getting over an affair too. NC is only part of the solution, although it may be a very key part, since we often see setbacks here on LS when NC is broken.
bentnotbroken Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 As I said, I considered NC after meeting a veritable wall of posters overwhelming me with the view of NC being the only way to go when I first came to LS. I was confused and struggling. I came to a forum where posters seemed very certain and knowledgeable and all agreeing on one point of view: go NC. Obviously I was not ready to let go off the relationship since I am still in it years later, so the advice I was given was not appropriate for my situation. It was the standard answer without consideration where I was truly at: Go NC. For posters without my inner strength they may very well follow this advice and prematurely go NC, and it can lead them to exactly the situation described in the article, where the NC instead strengthens the relationship. And no, I don't believe following the NC advice necessarily means you have issues. You come here looking for help, people give you advice and you listen to them, thinking they know better seeing how knowledgeable they seem when you are so confused. You don't have to have issues to follow such advice. You can merely be looking for help in a difficult situation. Then they should do what you did. Take what they can use and leave the rest. It is what most people do. I must admit I don't understand the personality of a grown person being unduly influenced by a board of anonymous typing fingers. But I guess if you say you exist then I guess they do.
woinlove Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 As I said, I considered NC after meeting a veritable wall of posters overwhelming me with the view of NC being the only way to go when I first came to LS. I was confused and struggling. I came to a forum where posters seemed very certain and knowledgeable and all agreeing on one point of view: go NC. Obviously I was not ready to let go off the relationship since I am still in it years later, so the advice I was given was not appropriate for my situation. It was the standard answer without consideration where I was truly at: Go NC. For posters without my inner strength they may very well follow this advice and prematurely go NC, and it can lead them to exactly the situation described in the article, where the NC instead strengthens the relationship. And no, I don't believe following the NC advice necessarily means you have issues. You come here looking for help, people give you advice and you listen to them, thinking they know better seeing how knowledgeable they seem when you are so confused. You don't have to have issues to follow such advice. You can merely be looking for help in a difficult situation. I don't see the problem with people going NC based on some advice and then ending up with a strengthened relationship. Are you saying the relationship is strengthened, but they never speak to the AP again because of NC, so they go through life with a strengthened R that doesn't really exist except in their head? It's their life, if that is how they choose to live. Or are you saying, they break NC and the R is strengthened. If the latter, what do you see as the problem?
UpwardForward Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 From your post, it sounds like you are speaking from the perspective of a ws who feels he is forced to go NC? Actually, I was speaking from a perspective of an OM/OW, who I feel should separate them self emotionally first, before beginning NC. Could be true of any R, but particularly an emotional one. Also, I don't think an NC should begin where there are things that have been left unsaid, in the more intimate R's - but many seem able to do it.
woinlove Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 Premature NC adds to the confusion and difficulties already experienced. Many posters come here to get advice how to deal with being in the relationship. Learning to understand the dynamics of an EMR makes it easier for them to distinguish whether their particular relationship is worth staying in for them personally or not. Being given a standard solution of going NC is not helpful. Help the posters where they are at, not where you think they should be at. My impression is that OW/OM who are happy in an affair, and don't feel bad about it being an affair, are not advised to go NC by very many people on LS. Those who do feel bad will benefit from taking control and making changes in their life and I think getting out of the A is likely to be a good move in most of those cases. That's the advice I see here more often, get out of the affair if you are unhappy. I agree with that advice, particularly for anyone who feels bad about the secrecy and deception, as I think that makes them feel bad about themselves. NC in that context is a particular strategy and many find it useful as a means to an end, namely ending the affair. 1
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