jwi71 Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 Trininty1 posted a link to an article about NC not working. I'm on my IPhone so it's a pain to cut and paste the article - would some kind soul kindly help me here and post the link? I started this thread to discuss that article. It's an interesting read and I can agree with almost all of it. Until the last paragraph where the author suggests cold turkey. Sorry, but WTH is cold turkey and exactly HOW is it different from NC? Good read but the author torpedoes herself by, after a well written article on how NC doesn't work - suggests NC as the solution. Really? Smh. Anyone else read that and get the same impression? Thoughts? Discussion? ( it totally want brownie points for this Mods)
anne1707 Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 Here's the link Let's Talk Again A Month From Now | Psychology Today And yes, I read "Cold turkey every day" as = NC
MissBee Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 No one can force anyone to do anything they don't want to, least of all people on the internet that you don't know and have no attachment to. If strangers can force your hand on a message board...then you have other issues. No matter what people in real life or online advised me, I did what I wanted to do when I came on LS for advice. They simply gave me new things to consider or reinforced thoughts I already had. But no one could have forced me or tricked me into making a choice I didn't want to make. Likewise, most adults who come on LS don't just swallow LS pills blindly...and again, if they do, they have other issues on top of their A. Everyone has to decide what is best for them after reading the advice here. People will most likely follow the advice that resonates with them on some level. But to believe LS can force people to take actions or not take actions is giving LS members way too much power. In the thread where the article was brought up, the OP herself was the one who suggested NC with her MM. People merely agreed with her. No one tried to beat her over her head or force her to do something she didn't already want to do or wasn't already considering. I don't know what your story was when you came here...but I would agree that if one claims they are happy and want to remain in the A, then telling them to go NC is pointless. But someone who is highly upset, hurt, confused and tired of the A, but who still isn't strong enough to leave...should receive realistic advice on all sides. Not just "Go NC. The end." OR "just wait if you love him". Realistic advice is looking at what is really going on, what the poster wants to do and what they're saying about the situation and how it affects them, and what seems to be going on with the other person and advising based on that.In the end it is up to the OP to decide what advice is useful...at the end of the day,. everyone will do what they want, regardless of LS and either way they will learn from their mistakes, whether the mistake was in listening to LS OR in not listening to LS. For each person who said LS's advice didn't help them or made their situation worse, there are many many many others who come back to say LS was right or the advice helped them and was spot on in their situation. So people have to do what they want to do and learn from it..however it turns out. 8
Author jwi71 Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 Unfortunately NC is often done prematurely when the participants in the EMR are not ready to end the relationship forever. It is often a desperate attempt to do something. On LS NC is strongly recommended, and I wish there was more awareness instead that it is a step that should be considered very carefully and only taken when one is truly ready to end the relationship forever. Otherwise it just leads to the flip-flopping that is so, so common in these relationships. The author is trying to make a distinction here, and is therefore using the two terms NC and Cold Turkey. I can see why there is confusion, since on LS NC covers both these concepts, which is very unfortunate. Every OW/OM/WS who comes here is told to go NC however strong the bond between the participants in the EMR still is and however strong the urge to continue the relationship is. It happened to me. I considered NC. Luckily I was strong enough to withstand the pressure the LS posters put on me, and realize NC would not be in my best interest. I see what you are saying but I think the author has it backwards. NC is no contact. None. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Forever. I mean, it's NC. No Contact. What she is describing is not NC as there is contact - which clearly violates the "no" in "no contact". How can it be NC if they are in contact? I do get a sense of what the author is trying to say by NC - I think she means LC. I think what the author is saying is NC is the only way to break the cycle and end A - because there is no functional difference between her "cold turkey" and NC.
imperfectangel Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 I haven't read the article yet but it goes without saying that one rule isn't going to suit everyone. There's no "one way" of getting over a relationship, you have to do what's best for you in your circumstances. I went "lc" T first - loose contact. Im the sort of person where if I tell myself I can't have something I want it more so if I said to myself no you can't text him/see him etc I'd have probably text him more than I would have normally done. A bit like someone who diets then binges a few days later. LC allowed me the time to realise that MM couldn't give me what I wanted I don't want to live hiding away and not being a me to speak to my SO I really do love him and miss him so much but I have my own life to live I'm ready for NC now
confusedinkansas Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 I'd find it hard to believe that someone could just say to their AP one day - OK NC - don't ever contact me again & NEVER AGAIN talk with their ex. Most of the posts I read here the NC starts & over a period of time it finally is over. It's a sequence of events - You try NC when the actual affair part (sex) is over but then there's the well let's be friends stage. So you try that a little. Then there's the - well this isn't working stage & so on & so on - Sometimes people go back to their XAP's one, two, 10 times before NC really is able to stick. NC is extremely difficult when you've vested your time & emotion into someone for quite a long period of time (me 3 years) Even now (3 years LATER.)... at times is difficult not to reach out just to find out how he's doing. But those of us (me) who've been in NC for a long time realize that it really is best for all parties involved. 1
MissBee Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 I'd find it hard to believe that someone could just say to their AP one day - OK NC - don't ever contact me again & NEVER AGAIN talk with their ex. Most of the posts I read here the NC starts & over a period of time it finally is over. It's a sequence of events - You try NC when the actual affair part (sex) is over but then there's the well let's be friends stage. So you try that a little. Then there's the - well this isn't working stage & so on & so on - Sometimes people go back to their XAP's one, two, 10 times before NC really is able to stick. NC is extremely difficult when you've vested your time & emotion into someone for quite a long period of time (me 3 years) Even now (3 years LATER.)... at times is difficult not to reach out just to find out how he's doing. But those of us (me) who've been in NC for a long time realize that it really is best for all parties involved. I agree. I don't believe NC is a failure or failed because you went back and forth. In fact, when I first got to LS on the Break Up Forums, I got really upset with people who acted like breaking NC was the worst thing you could do. After getting over my break up I advised people that it was in fact not uncommon to break NC, and each time you break it, you often learn something new...whether that is in favor of staying together, or leaving for good. You don't need to beat yourself up because you had a weak moment...you get back up. You go back and forth until after all that you come to an epiphany. But usually, the epiphany is brought about by the time apart and then breaking NC. Upon breaking NC you get to realize NOTHING changed or that the person has in fact changed themselves or the situation that lead to the breakup, for good. NC can be a middle ground as the author suggests...but staying in an A that is confusing you where no decision is being made is just as much of a middle ground. NC often leads to some kind of choice one way or another.
MissBee Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 (edited) Nobody said anything about LS posters forcing anyone into anything. I was talking about "pressuring". "Influencing" is another good term. We are human beings. We go to a forum for a reason. Reading what other people say influences us, for better or for worse. If the NC advice is given without consideration to whether the person is actually ready to end the relationship forever, it may very well be bad advice. Especially if we don't point out that NC should not be considered unless you are definitely done with the relationship. And again...since no one can be forced...they choose what advice to implement in their lives and what influences to absorb. No one is responsible for what happens if they choose to take any advice. LS has a disclaimer about this. People will follow what resonates with them...be it NC or something else, and whether it was a mistake or not, they'll learn from it. We all give our opinions, not prescriptions. We are under no obligation to be right and LS can't stop people from giving good or bad advice. We aren't here as professionals, so there will be sound advice and crazy advice and you come here to hear other people's opinions and you then choose what you want to do for yourself. In the case of NC...no one ever died from doing it, so if it is "bad advice", what's the worst that will happen? I see way less negative things happening from doing NC than from continuing on in an A when you're conflicted and trying to move forward. Some people will be for NC, some won't...but posters read through and determine what they ultimately feel is best. I can't think of any negative consequences of NC frankly, if you miss them so much and weren't ready, you just go back to talking...as people do all the time anyway. Edited June 22, 2012 by MissBee 1
Silly_Girl Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 Nobody said anything about LS posters forcing anyone into anything. I was talking about "pressuring". "Influencing" is another good term. We are human beings. We go to a forum for a reason. Reading what other people say influences us, for better or for worse. If the NC advice is given without consideration to whether the person is actually ready to end the relationship forever, it may very well be bad advice. Especially if we don't point out that NC should not be considered unless you are definitely done with the relationship. Thanks for this, I was really confused about where the 'forcing' and 'well, you have other issues then' stuff came from. I thought I'd missed some juicy threads. I do think that approaching a forum in the first place, and asking for advice denotes a certain level of vulnerability and I take your point that sometimes it can be bad advice. I noticed many (not all) give me advice that would have suited THEIR situation, or THEIR hindsight. Didn't help me at all. Some of it was great though. 2
Silly_Girl Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 In the case of NC...no one ever died from doing it, so if it is "bad advice", what's the worst that will happen? I see way less negative things happening from doing NC than from continuing on in an A when you're conflicted and trying to move forward. Some people will be for NC, some won't...but posters read through and determine what they ultimately feel is best. I can't think of any negative consequences of NC frankly, if you miss them so much and weren't ready, you just go back to talking...as people do all the time anyway. No. In my experience if you leave and aren't ready to, and aren't convinced of your reasons for leaving, chances are it will be incredibly painful, and traumatic. You will go back, and you will feel even more bonded to them than you did, and even more convinced that it was a mistake and you simply can never be without them. If you tried and failed, well, maybe that means something, maybe that ought to be noticed. I read someone here say she was happy to 'drift'. She wasn't sure what she wanted to do in the long term, but felt she couldn't give him up, so she drifted. And eventually he meant less and less and she needed him less and less. I'd wager that she had far less baggage to move past than someone who went NC and went back, then went NC and went back, and so on. 2
Spark1111 Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 I don't care if you want to drift or flip=flop or beg to reconcile while still seeing your OW/OM. As long as I am informed and reserve the right to tell you to go to hell. When you are truly serious about reconciling, and not continued cake-eating, we'll talk. Since I don't share my man, and GOD KNOWS he would have combusted if I dared even talked to another man for too long, (jealous, jealous, jealous!) I think NC is a fair request if one is truly serious regarding reconciling with their spouse. Just as I do not seek out and chat up old BFs because I was MARRIED, he cannot continue to see nor speak with his old AP! Not if he is serious about the relationship and just not serious about his continued cake-eating. I didn't institute NC. I didn't force him to do anything except get the hell out of my house, you lying blankety-blank BLANK. He instituted NC. On his own. I wouldn't have had it any other way. I refused to be anyone's default choice. Love me, want me, for me....or don't let the door hit you in the azz as you leave. 5
Spark1111 Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 However, for those not as strong as me (), NC seems a very reasonable request to make if you want to end the affair and reconcile with your spouse. If you do not, then don't. But if you are begging and pleading and crying to reconcile, but then cannot give up contact with your affair partner, I say then, get the hellout of MY house you lying, cowardly Blankety-BLANK. The day you allow me to be married to you have a BF on the side for hot sex and fun, is the day I will talk with you about your continued cake-eating. NEVER going to happen because cheaters are selfish control freaks. You love someone and won't shout it from the rooftops? Why? Why can't you tell the truth and end the marriage. Because subconsciously you could never handle your spouse doing to you what you are doing to them, and secondly, your secrecy helps to control the outcome. Why OW/OM put up with this manipulation is beyond ME. 1
MissBee Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 (edited) No. In my experience if you leave and aren't ready to, and aren't convinced of your reasons for leaving, chances are it will be incredibly painful, and traumatic. You will go back, and you will feel even more bonded to them than you did, and even more convinced that it was a mistake and you simply can never be without them. If you tried and failed, well, maybe that means something, maybe that ought to be noticed. I read someone here say she was happy to 'drift'. She wasn't sure what she wanted to do in the long term, but felt she couldn't give him up, so she drifted. And eventually he meant less and less and she needed him less and less. I'd wager that she had far less baggage to move past than someone who went NC and went back, then went NC and went back, and so on. If you aren't ready for NC...don't do it. Who is ever ready though? Seriously? I mean, breakups are notoriously difficult, even outside of As. Even when the relationship is not working people find it hard to go cold turkey and never look back because they are attached to that person. Most people are never ready to let go and have to wean themselves off...and employing NC is one way some people try to do it and go back and forth until they get to a stable place. Show me a relationship where people end mutually, after one talk, and move on seamlessly and I'll show you 10 where they go back and forth, flip flop etc before finally ending it. What you're describing isn't the trauma of NC IMO...but the regular heartache that happens when you're in a chaotic relationship or one you're trying to end for the best, even if you don't want to. Unfortunately, such is life, I learned that a relationship not being right doesn't lessen the pain of ending it...and detaching is always a difficult process. NC also takes two. If both have decided on NC...and only one person reaches out and the other keeps up their end and doesn't reciprocate...well...you have to find a way to move on from that OR harass them endlessly even when they're ignoring you. In one case of NC I went back and forth and I went through the whole breakup panic like I couldn't live without him. It didn't bond me to him more and the NC itself didn't traumatize me...I simply broke it, the same problems came up and I went NC again because being around him hurt too much because I wasn't getting what I wanted. Even though I wanted him, breaking NC showed me that I couldn't have what I wanted, and it made me feel empowered when I chose to not have contact. In another case, he kept up his end and remained NC even when I reached out...I felt it was cruel...but for a whole year we didn't talk and it was exactly what I needed to move on. In both cases I wasn't ready...but not because I wasn't ready, didn't mean it was the wrong thing to do. It simply meant, I'm human, I wanted what I wanted, even when it wasn't working, and was hellbent on holding on to it. I'm glad I had to let go before I was ready, as I'd have to let go anyway. In the latter case, I was the one who was never ready, were it up to my readiness, who knows how long I'd have dragged on a fruitless situation...fortunately he manned up and got ready before me and made a decision that I had to abide by, that i thank him for now. The NC wasn't what was hurting me...the reality of the situation was what hurt. I think many come on LS knowing the truth and knowing what the situation is...but hoping for something different...NC isn't what hurts them, it's the issues that lead them to decide on NC in the first place. Edited June 22, 2012 by MissBee 1
Spark1111 Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 If you aren't ready for NC...don't do it. Who is ever ready though? Seriously? I mean, breakups are notoriously difficult, even outside of As. Even when the relationship is not working people find it hard to go cold turkey and never look back because they are attached to that person. Most people are never ready to let go and have to wean themselves off...and employing NC is one way some people try to do it and go back and forth until they get to a stable place. Show me a relationship where people end mutually, after one talk, and move on seamlessly and I'll show you 10 where they go back and forth, flip flop etc before finally ending it. What you're describing isn't the trauma of NC IMO...but the regular heartache that happens when you're in a chaotic relationship or one you're trying to end for the best, even if you don't want to. Unfortunately, such is life, I learned that a relationship not being right doesn't lessen the pain of ending it...and detaching is always a difficult process. NC also takes two. If both have decided on NC...and only one person reaches out and the other keeps up their end and doesn't reciprocate...well...you have to find a way to move on from that OR harass them endlessly even when they're ignoring you. In one case of NC I went back and forth and I went through the whole breakup panic like I couldn't live without him. It didn't bond me to him more and the NC itself didn't traumatize me...I simply broke it, the same problems came up and I went NC again because being around him hurt too much because I wasn't getting what I wanted. Even though I wanted him, breaking NC showed me that I couldn't have what I wanted, and it made me feel empowered when I chose to not have contact. In another case, he kept up his end and remained NC even when I reached out...I felt it was cruel...but for a whole year we didn't talk and it was exactly what I needed to move on. In both cases I wasn't ready...but not because I wasn't ready, didn't mean it was the wrong thing to do. It simply meant, I'm human, I wanted what I wanted, even when it wasn't working, and was hellbent on holding on to it. I'm glad I had to let go before I was ready, as I'd have to let go anyway. In the latter case, I was the one who was never ready, were it up to my readiness, who knows how long I'd have dragged on a fruitless situation...fortunately he manned up and got ready before me and made a decision that I had to abide by, that i thank him for now. The NC wasn't what was hurting me...the reality of the situation was what hurt. I think many come on LS knowing the truth and knowing what the situation is...but hoping for something different...NC isn't what hurts them, it's the issues that lead them to decide on NC in the first place. Very honest. If one partner wants to end it and institute NC, and you can't abide by it, doesn't it say more about YOU needing to have your needs met DESPITE what your partner wants or needs? If he keeps breaking it, what does that say about his resolve and commitment? Easy to say their spouse is putting them up to it, or it's NOT what they truly want because they are conflicted, obligated, yada, yada, yada. But c'mon! If he doesn't want to have anything to do with me, why, oh why, would I want him? Because I think I know better? Or that my feelings are more important than his feelings? Or, he STILL needs me to rescue him from his confusion and conflict?
whichwayisup Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 If one person has asked for NC, the other person really should respect and honour their wish. To break NC, reach out to the person who asked for NC is disrespectful. Maybe their reasonings are to totally let go and move on, forget, heal.. Out of sight, out of mind.
MissBee Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 ??? What I bolded is not even remotely true. Posters do not tell "EVERY" OW/OM/WS that comes here to go NC. Who put 'pressure' on you? Anonymous people on a message board? From all your posts, before and now, you have never had any desire to go NC. You have always stated you will stay with MM for as long as it suits you, no matter how long you will wait for him to fix his split self. I think it is a shame that you painted such a broad stroke when you cannot stand when people do that with regards to OW. Precisely. LS is one avenue people come to for advice...mere suggestions...input from others. LS members are either accused of running people off, or influencing them to make bad decisions in their relationship..i.e. NC. Yet there are other people here who have stayed put in whatever scenario and LS didn't change their minds. Whatever choice people make is theirs and they can't blame it on LS. LS members, no matter how harsh or forceful they may be, cannot make anyone do something they themselves haven't thought of as best. If you swallow LS advice blindly, that is your own fault. If you never thought of NC and LS made you think of it...wouldn't your doing it be because you felt it made sense to you? Unless it is being argued that it made no sense, but you felt coerced, to go against your own faculties and you felt you HAD to implement this advice OR you felt hypnotized into doing it albeit feeling it was a poor choice.And if you are sooo influenced by anonymous people into going against your better judgment...then again, you have other issues.
Silly_Girl Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 If you aren't ready for NC...don't do it. Who is ever ready though? Well, clearly some are as we see posters here who have had their AP go NC, or they have chosen to go NC. Seems sometimes people are ready. Seriously? I mean, breakups are notoriously difficult, even outside of As. Even when the relationship is not working people find it hard to go cold turkey and never look back because they are attached to that person. Most people are never ready to let go and have to wean themselves off...and employing NC is one way some people try to do it and go back and forth until they get to a stable place. Have you clung to every ex? Because I have been in R's where both or one feels it's not working and it amicably and naturally fizzles out. I don't like the 'NC back and forth' aspect. Hopping on a rollercoaster just isn't something I'd choose for a friend.
MissBee Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 In my view, if a relationship is bringing you more pain and confusion than pleasure and the other person *irregardless if it's an affair or not} can not/will not change to meet reasonable needs and wants or they are jerking you around and treating you as an afterthought or worse and they are cake eating within a triangle, then it's time to invoke NC (as in meaning cold turkey) because it's the only reasonable sane choice. I have been assed about in the past, I've been weak, I've been walked on and whose fault was that, well it was MINE and I will never allow it again because I don't want to be weak and allow myself to be treated badly. NC is strength, NC is painful as hell but you have to walk through the pain to get to the other side. With that said, I realize that it takes time to get to that point and to realize your own worth but if someone is settling for pain and confusion then there is nothing wrong with encouraging them to break free of that. Yet we all realize that we can't make anyone do anything, nor do we have great influence over any poster. To blame someone on a forum for bad advice, well......it sounds like blameshifting to me. I agree. The best medicine doesn't always taste good. I am specifically talking about OPs who come on LS talking about NC themselves, or who are saying that the A is not working, but asking for one ray of hope in all the mess, who are so torn but clearly are leaning towards ending it or needing a time out...what advice should you give them, besides, take a step back...breathe...focus on YOU for a while. I'm actually open to hearing an alternative to NC in this case. I simply cannot think of one...but I'd like to hear from those against NC, genuinely, what would they propose in the scenario I described. What would be the alternative suggestion? 1
MissBee Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 Well, clearly some are as we see posters here who have had their AP go NC, or they have chosen to go NC. Seems sometimes people are ready. Have you clung to every ex? Because I have been in R's where both or one feels it's not working and it amicably and naturally fizzles out. I don't like the 'NC back and forth' aspect. Hopping on a rollercoaster just isn't something I'd choose for a friend. I don't know about you...but NC for me is to detach from the habit of the person. Even in cases where it fizzled out, I couldn't seamlessly move into a friendship, I needed some time for my system to get used to not being a couple anymore. When I was with that person I would call them affectionate names, call them for every little thing, stuff reminded me of them etc...it is the natural thing that happens when you spend a lot of time with someone. I couldn't just go from that to friends....to be amicable I needed the space to detach. It's not about liking the back and forth. It's that sometimes it is necessary or people believe they can go cold turkey and find out they cannot and they end up with the back and forth....no one does NC for the joys of the back and forth. Likewise, some people don't like a lot of what As entail, but unwittingly signed up for those aspects by getting in one. So whether they like it or not, they now have to deal with it and did sign up for it in a sense.
Silly_Girl Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 I agree. The best medicine doesn't always taste good. I am specifically talking about OPs who come on LS talking about NC themselves, or who are saying that the A is not working, but asking for one ray of hope in all the mess, who are so torn but clearly are leaning towards ending it or needing a time out...what advice should you give them, besides, take a step back...breathe...focus on YOU for a while. I'm actually open to hearing an alternative to NC in this case. I simply cannot think of one...but I'd like to hear from those against NC, genuinely, what would they propose in the scenario I described. What would be the alternative suggestion? This is a loaded question because this: I am specifically talking about OPs who come on LS talking about NC themselves, or who are saying that the A is not working, but asking for one ray of hope in all the mess, who are so torn but clearly are leaning towards ending it or needing a time out is not the only time that NC is promoted. And in any case, how subjective is the above?? You may see that (they are clearly needing to end it or need time out), but the original poster may not feel that way at all.
MissBee Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 (edited) This is a loaded question because this: is not the only time that NC is promoted. And in any case, how subjective is the above?? You may see that (they are clearly needing to end it or need time out), but the original poster may not feel that way at all. But when you come on a board for advice...aren't you asking for people to advice you based on what THEY see? That's why you ask other people's input, for a take that most likely, may not be the exact same as yours. You shouldn't ask for advice if your idea of it is for people to tell you things that are already what you want to do anyway..... All advice is subjective...and I argue some things are objective. But the point is that, you ask for people's input, they either tell you what they'd do, what happened in their case, or what they think you should do or how it looks to them. You then take from that and do what you need to do. If you don't feel the same way...so be it...but it would be insane to think or expect that in asking for people's opinions, they won't give you their subjective take on what they're seeing or that their advice is going to be a carbon copy of what you already have in your mind. It makes no sense asking for outsider's input then. If you're asking for advice...it is also safe to say that you don't have it all figured out and you look to other people because I assume you have faith that someone is going to say something that makes sense to you. I don't know about you..but I have been in situations where I asked for advice, got good advice that I didn't agree with st the time, and in the end realized it was pretty spot on. The opposite has also happened. But the point was that I asked other people because I wanted other perspectives and subjective and objective views from people who weren't emotionally invested or who had been there. In any case...I'm still interested in what an alternative to NC would be in your opinion. Our opinions don't require approval from anyone else. Op's don't have to see it our way...but I imagine they ask because they'd like other ways, besides their own, of looking at their situation and from then they may change course because it resonates or continue on. Edited June 22, 2012 by MissBee
FelicityShot Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 NC when advised to an OW/OM trying to find their a$$ from their torment is compassion. When advised to a WS trying to leave a M, it is a break. It is seldom advised to a BS. IMO NC is a way therapists get around dealing with no solution situations. Usually instead of a solution. Run rabbit run. NC is saying if we bury our head in the sand and/or send him/her to coventry, then we have a workable solution. If workable ends up happy or not has many other factors involved. And workable is more motivating than perhaps.
Silly_Girl Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 But when you come on a board for advice...aren't you asking for people to advice you based on what THEY see? That's why you ask other people's input, for a take that most likely, may not be the exact same as yours. You shouldn't ask for advice if your idea of it is for people to tell you things that are already what you want to do anyway..... But weren't you the one saying posters can't influence you?
MissBee Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 IMO NC is a way therapists get around dealing with no solution situations. Usually instead of a solution. Run rabbit run. I wanted to respond to this because I've heard this before, on LS, when i first got here and even still on the break up forum, where people ask how it's different than avoidance. Usually, the person asks something about if they just ignore that person, without saying anything isn't it immature and avoiding. I said, my belief about NC, is that you implement it when you've decided that you need to move on from a relationship and you can even tell this to the other person, so they know why you're doing it and then you do it from there. That is neither immature or avoiding. In any case...i think most people react badly to the noption of NC. I sure did. I didn't want my relationship to end, I had hope, I was used to it although it wasn't m, moving forward and the idea of not speaking to this person, not being "friends" was scary. So I found every reason not to do it. After having lived through all of that though...I see the usefulness. I very much agree though that one should have come conversation, discussion or attempt to hash things out before implementing NC, as it will help a lot to keep NC, if you discuss with this person and your terms aren't being met or no way forward is seen. That way it won't feel undone and won't feel like, if you just have one more talk etc things will change. The hope that one more thing will change things is one thing that leads to the back and forth, if you implemented NC on a whim. Then you guilt yourself into feeling like okay it's because you're in NC why things aren't working out, and maybe if you answered that text or texted or called them it would....so I am all for hashing out before NC. 1
MissBee Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 (edited) But weren't you the one saying posters can't influence you? I did not say that. I said posters cannot force you to do things you don't want to do. So any influence, is still based on advice resonating with them, whether it is a new idea they hadn't thought of or echoes their own thoughts and you choosing to act on the advice because it resonates and makes sense to you on some level. You aren't influenced in a hypnotic way by LS to just blindly follow its advice. No matter what people in real life or online advised me, I did what I wanted to do when I came on LS for advice. They simply gave me new things to consider or reinforced thoughts I already had. But no one could have forced me or tricked me into making a choice I didn't want to make. And again...since no one can be forced...they choose what advice to implement in their lives and what influences to absorb. No one is responsible for what happens if they choose to take any advice. LS has a disclaimer about this. People will follow what resonates with them I'm still interested in anyone with an NC alternative. It is rather fruitless IMO to be against NC or to attempt a conversation about the ills of NC with no viable other option being introduced into the conversation for people to consider. That would make the arguments stronger and more interesting and perhaps provide any lurkers with an actual alternative if they too are in a position of being torn but not wanting NC. I asked graciously for your input yet you asked me other questions and commented on other side things but haven't really said anything about the most important aspect.... Edited June 23, 2012 by MissBee
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