hcar6619 Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 Long read... So, about a year ago, seperated from wife of 7 years. Long story, 3 kids, she never worked. Things didnt work out. After seperating, went to therapy with my kids and we have a great relationship out of it. One of the problems with the EW was that she didnt do much with the kids while she wasnt working. Shes gone... Moving on... thought I dealt with my problems pretty good. Cant really say I ever was in love with her. We made it work for a while and have three great kids out of it. She leaves in April/11, did my thing for the summer and meet a girl I knew before in Aug/11. Used to live close to me, she got divorced and moved away. She has two daughters. We start talking and hit it off pretty good. Started hanging out more and more, decided it was something we both thought was great and re-introduced kids. She ended up having issues with oldest daughter and was basically forced to move from her location due to her. I offered her and her kids to live with my kids and myself. I have 50/50 custody, she had her kids most of the time... She moves in and it is cool for a while. Things went great. Really great. Scared the living hell out of me. Issues between kids, think people were feeling threatened because they werent getting as much attention as they used to due to all of the kids. I made my mistakes and she starts trying to talk to me to fix things. With all of the stress and issues going on (plus, kids are very active in sports and life in general), I just shut down. She decided it was best to get an apartment close by to create some distance from each other ang give the kids space. I had issues with her moving out (abandonment issues??? I am guessing) and basically say nothing to her, nor do I help her. We tried talking several times, but it always seemed like things just came up and it didnt happen. So.... things go on and she starts dating someone else. I basically flip out.. Tears my heart out, all that stuff. We dont really talk, I do my own thing... and we start talking again. Been through a lot of stuff in my life, feel like I may have left THE ONE get away. We talk about things... what we would each like out of life, how to get there. Go to counseling.. . get a house together, and move forward as a family. Basically, I feel I can deal with this. She continues to text and we talk and things seem to be going in the direction I "think" I would like them to go. Then last night, we were supposed to talk, and she sends me a text. Really long, but at the end.. . "Please tell me you hate me and you cant talk to me anymore. Only way I can walk away. I am so lost right now, feel broken, dont know what to do. Do not want to keep repeating the same cycles in my life" (in the mean time, her childrens father made an attempt at reconnecting with them, and now they share custody). So, I try replying to her, explaining that I would love to fix our issues together (we both have several), and she just quits replying to me. Says she cant talk and has to stop. Yet repeatedly telling me she loves me and we were perfect at one point. So, I replied to her a few times, explaining what I would like from her... then deleting her from my phone. Tons more stuff, I am as lost as she is... any questions or comments on how to handle this would be greatly appreciated. Most of me says run from her and deal with myself. But there is also a part of me that loves her immensely, and I dont wanna wake up 10 years from now going "wonder if I"???? Thank you
Author hcar6619 Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 Also, one of the reasons we split apart was due to the fact I didnt show her enough time and attention. On the weeks I have my kids, I do spend all the time I can with them. And her, and her children. Not that I am out at the bars or doing any of the typical wrong things. Really involved in softball and baseball for the kids. On the other hand, it is the end of June and I didnt use a day of vacation yet. Maybe shoulda burned a day and just spent it with her. Never went and did my own thing though that would take time from US.... Whenever or where ever I went she was invited. And some things I didnt go to because she didnt want to. And the same from her...
Author hcar6619 Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 (edited) after sitting back and thinking... I believe there is issues between her and her children. Think she wants me to be the father to them that their father wasnt. She said to me one of the things that attracts her to me is how good I am with my children. I have issues doing this as I knew her ex husband, got along with him, talk to him when he is around, and he is trying to be there for them again. Also, I am worried about the sensitivity of my kids, seeing me giving time to her children when it could be spent with them. major issues... worth trying? NC? LOST... The guy she is hanging out with works second shift. Doesnt see his daughter, and lives with his parents yet. I believe he can give her more of the time she needs and be there for her kids more than I... Dont know if it is even worth trying... but when she tells me she loves me more than anyone... It hurts me badly... makes me teter back and forth every day. Edited June 22, 2012 by hcar6619 added more
hinatticus Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 All I gotta say is that sucks. I'm terrified of that happening to me. Where you gotta share your love with another person's kid. I love my son so much I couldn't stand to see him get upset if I showed another child affection. I guess your situation is what it is. Very complicated! I'm hoping to avoid that at all costs. I want back with my ex so we can have a single family. I'm sorry I can't give proper advice cuz having multiple families is just so complicated. No doubt you are confused. Good luck man.
Ruby65 Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 I'm confused -- you said you got a house together, but you're no longer living together? Also, is she still dating someone else? Have you two broken up? From what I read it sounds like the last conversation you had with her was an exchange by text that she just stopped responding to -- is that correct? If that's the case, I'd urge you to have an in-person conversation with her as soon as possible where you can calmly tell her exactly how you're feeling and what you'd like to see happening between the two of you in the future. I'd especially tell her how you feel about spending more time alone together, just the two of you. There seems to be a lot of drama surrounding the kids.... it's not a perfect situation, but life isn't perfect and you'd both be doing ALL your kids a huge favor by showing them how to cope with some chaos and come out of it happy and together!
Author hcar6619 Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 I'm confused -- you said you got a house together, but you're no longer living together? Also, is she still dating someone else? Have you two broken up? From what I read it sounds like the last conversation you had with her was an exchange by text that she just stopped responding to -- is that correct? If that's the case, I'd urge you to have an in-person conversation with her as soon as possible where you can calmly tell her exactly how you're feeling and what you'd like to see happening between the two of you in the future. I'd especially tell her how you feel about spending more time alone together, just the two of you. There seems to be a lot of drama surrounding the kids.... it's not a perfect situation, but life isn't perfect and you'd both be doing ALL your kids a huge favor by showing them how to cope with some chaos and come out of it happy and together! She moved into my house when things went bad for her. Had her kids change school districts and all that. She used to live in this area and moved away after her divorce. Not really sure if she is dating someone else. The person she was dating fit her "needs"... as in, could be there for her daughters and do things with them I cannot do on a daily basis. But she called me several times crying, and that she isnt making any good decisions... She still loves me. Pretty much correct on last convo was by text and just stopped. But we spoke face to face on several occasions. Explained all the things to her that I know I did wrong and why I did them. One of the reasons was that I just couldnt deal with the daily drama anymore.... So I chose to shut down and try not to deal with the same things repeatedly. Tons of drama surrounding the kids. We arent together because of the kids. Only reason at all. I think we could teach the kids something decent out of this. After her daughter texted me "please fix this with mom, i know its our fault and not yours. (meaning kids and not parents) that you two arent together." We didnt tell them that. Atleast I didnt tell them that anyway, would assume she didnt. So I said to her, what are you teaching your kids right now? It is better to take the easy road and run, which she is a runner, or work on what is right and atleast give what seems like true love to me a chance??? I am so lost in this whole situation it isnt even funny? Tons of questions for myself that I cant answer. Move on too quickly from divorce? Step into a situation that I cant handle? Is there a situation that I am ready to handle? She did so much good stuff for me, but it ended up scaring the **** out of me. So confused.... Part of me on certain days says this is a good thing. She has way too much stuff going on for me to even try to keep up with... But then I miss her...
Ruby65 Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 I'm still not understanding the timeline or where you stand now. She's moved out and is possibly dating someone else? Are they still together? When did you have the face to face conversation -- and how did you end things? When did her daughter text you, and how did that end? I'm very confused because it seems that you're both saying you want to be together -- and even the kids are getting involved and trying to get this back together -- but for whatever reason the communication isn't happening to bring this about. Are you broken up now?
Author hcar6619 Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 timeline is hard to explain... she moved out end of May. Things werent going well here for two months prior. We got together last weekend and things went great. Then she had a conversation with other people and decided that she couldnt do it. So... we are broken up, but were still talking. Face to face convo where we came to the conclusion that we both made some horrible mistakes happened on tuesday and wednesday of this week. She sent me a txt in the middle of the night on wednesday stating "if you want me, marry me, be there for me, let me in your life, love me, get a house together, start counseling with me, make a family together, quit drinking together," and I replied that is what i was trying to offer you, you just cant seem to make up your mind as to what you want. Her daughter texted me on monday night. it ended by me saying "I love your morther, I love the two of you, would love to try and work things out, but for some reason, it cant seem to happen" I am very confused for the same reason you are. One day, we can talk about fixing everything and making a great life. Fixing us, helping the kids to be as great as they can and all that stuff. Then the next day, she cant do it again. Said I hurt her like no one ever has. She gave me all the love she had to give, and it didnt work. I explained to her, I see where I was wrong. I was scared, never had love like that before. I do have issues as well.... dont doubt it. realize some of them, some sneak up on me. As for the two of us... this gets much deeper if you go back into our childhoods... both from broken homes with missing fathers, etc.... both of us had or have addiction problems with alcohol... tons of stuff.... At the end of the day, I truly have so much stuff going on for me that is great. Three good, healthy kids, really good job, house, help coach my kids in sports.... Lots of great stuff. But I am so mentally turbulent right now I cannot seem to focus on the positives... I feel like I may be losing the "one"... on the other hand, we were only together for 9 months, and of those 9 months, 6 months we lived an hour away from each other. One month here that was good, then the stress started....
Ruby65 Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 I'm going out on a limb here and guessing that much of this chaos has to do with alcohol? If the two of you are drinking a lot, and interracting while drunk, then it kind of explains to me why things are going this way, because otherwise I'm clueless why you two haven't been able to work things out! IF this is the case, I recommend a period of sobriety (and/or checking out the awesome AA program) and some time apart so you can both figure out what exactly you want from this situation. If I'm totally wrong -- and it sure wouldn't be the first time! -- then I think you should just go ahead and give her what she wants, a marriage proposal and a commitment to work things out despite all the kids and the chaos, no matter what. Why not? What's stopping you? I don't really understand what's holding you back from being together.
Oncehadluv Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 well ur aware that your lost, time to start diggin n soul searchin the insight you learn about urself will benefit immensly trust me on this one, i thought i was a know it all , after the breakup im a mess but can see were the pieces have fallen and will pick them up and move on from there
Author hcar6619 Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 I'm going out on a limb here and guessing that much of this chaos has to do with alcohol? If the two of you are drinking a lot, and interracting while drunk, then it kind of explains to me why things are going this way, because otherwise I'm clueless why you two haven't been able to work things out! IF this is the case, I recommend a period of sobriety (and/or checking out the awesome AA program) and some time apart so you can both figure out what exactly you want from this situation. If I'm totally wrong -- and it sure wouldn't be the first time! -- then I think you should just go ahead and give her what she wants, a marriage proposal and a commitment to work things out despite all the kids and the chaos, no matter what. Why not? What's stopping you? I don't really understand what's holding you back from being together. Drinking definetly has something to do with it... we both tend to use it to cover issues... As far as marriage proposal... I am not sure what I want. I am not sure I can cope with all the chaos. would love to do counseling with her...
Author hcar6619 Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 well ur aware that your lost, time to start diggin n soul searchin the insight you learn about urself will benefit immensly trust me on this one, i thought i was a know it all , after the breakup im a mess but can see were the pieces have fallen and will pick them up and move on from there I am lost... 100%... I know its time to start digging and soul searching. Not sure where to begin it at though. Not sure what I want out of the relationship... Not sure I could make it work, for some reason, I am scared that she may be the one and I am letting it go. Hate having regrets in life. Seems they are piling on me daily. Have no idea how to handle things. At the end of the day... I dont know what I want... not sure why I cant be happy just being me (too soon). I knew how to fix the problem between us two months ago and chose not to for a reason. Just now I am doubting myself and wondering if I did it for the correct reason...
Author hcar6619 Posted June 24, 2012 Author Posted June 24, 2012 Honestly feel like absolute dirt today. Not being with her is ten times harder than not being with Ex wife...
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