kallygirl Posted July 2, 2004 Posted July 2, 2004 I've been going out with this guy for 11 months now. Almost a whole year. We have fun together and enjoy each other's company. But we argue alot too. My parents don't like him because they say he treats me badly. They only see the bad stuff, they never comment on the good stuff. I guess my biggest problem is that he says he doesn't love me, not yet. He says that he doesn't know what love is or how to love someone. I love him with all my heart and all my being and feel as if I would die if we weren't together. We are intimate and even had a pregnancy scare back several months ago and his reaction was that if I was, he didn't want anything else to do with me, because he didn't need that problem in his life. Another problem is that he did tell me that he loved me at some point in the relationship, that's how I made the decision to be intimate with him. I am 17, he is 18. Sometimes I think my mom is right, but I can't deal with the pain of parting with him. When I ask him about the future, he tells me that if I keep asking about it, he'll break up with me. He's had a rough life though, so I don't blame him for the things he says. He doesn't trust me all the time and it's because he's been crapped on by alot of people. I feel bad when I lie to my parents about seeing him, and they would let me see him, it's just easier if I don't bring it up. I don't want them feeling all sad because they think I'm being treated wrong. I get really frustrated because he wants me to buy him stuff. I only work part time and really only make enough money to cover my own expenses. He doesn't have a job, but it's because he doesn't have a vehicle. My mom says that doesn't matter, but how's he supposed to get to work? But I can't make enough money to buy what he wants and pay for my own gas and stuff and then he gets mad. I'm just looking for some opinions....will this relationship last? How can I make him love me back? Or will he ever love me back? Will he change? Or will I just always be sad? Just be honest. I know it sounds bad, but he tells me I'm the most beautiful person in the world and that he wants me to be the girl he loves. How do I do that? Sorry this got long, if you're still reading...THANKS!! Kallygirl
StartingAgain Posted July 2, 2004 Posted July 2, 2004 Let's see here, he treats you badly, you argue a lot, youve been involved for 10 months, he told you once that he loved you, but now say he doesn't - not yet. Here's the real deal. This coming from a man, so pay attention. He lied to you about the way he felt so that you would havve sex with him. There is no way you can be in a relationship for as long as the two of you have, be intimate, and still not know if you love a woman. he's stringing you along. Why? I'll be blunt: you are nothing more to him that a steady piece of ass. Not only does he want you to be his unquestioning booty, he also wants you to buy things for him and let him treat you like crap. What's worse is that he treats you badly and hides behind "I've had a bad life." Bullsh*t! A lot of us have had painful pasts and we don't take it out on others. Will this relationship last? Well, I'd say you need to end it today. This guy's a looser and a user. The sooner you understand this the better off you are.
annabelle Posted July 2, 2004 Posted July 2, 2004 From what you said, it sounds to me like your parents have a point about this guy. He makes you spend your money to buy him things, he threatens to leave you if you keep talking about the future, he says he doesn't love you, and, worst of all, he would've left you alone with your pregnancy, if it had turned out that you were pregnant. Not only that, but he has somehow convinced you that most of this is your fault! He's taking everything that's gone wrong in his life out on you, and the worst part is that you're letting him. So what if he has had a bad life, you haven't done anything to merit his mistrust! And I think you SHOULD blame him for the things he says-if he really cared about you, he would care enough not to say them. Have enough respect for yourself to get out of this relationship before he causes you any more problems. -Annabelle
princess rose Posted July 2, 2004 Posted July 2, 2004 Kally: There is nothing for you to be confused about. As everyone else here has said, this man is a loser. I would even go so far as to say this is an abusive relationship. A person doesn't have to hit you in order for them to be an abuser. If they are putting you down, or blaming you for their own deficiencies, that qualifies as well. GET AWAY from this man, because it will only get worse.
Author kallygirl Posted July 6, 2004 Author Posted July 6, 2004 I guess I knew the response I would get. No matter how I tried to dress it up. It just hurts so much, because I really do love him. Sometimes I do feel like it's emotional abuse, but then he explains that sometimes I frustrate him and that's why he says mean things to me. He's been my first real love. I've invested alot of time and I guess I just didn't want to admit that it wasn't a good relationship. I don't know how to get out of it, I can break it off, but he won't leave me alone. He can twist everything around and make it make sense, when really, in my head, I know it doesn't make sense. He can make me feel so perfect sometimes, and like such a loser other times. And yet, I don't know if I can bear the pain of not being with him. Especially, if he keeps calling me. We go to school together so after summer, I'll see him everyday. I think I really want out, someone help me and tell me how to get out of this mess.
annabelle Posted July 6, 2004 Posted July 6, 2004 Kally, He's being extremely manipulative, telling you everything you want to hear, but only when you begin to think this relationship isn't working. You need to leave him now before it gets any harder to do so. Rely on your friends for support, if they know everything you've said on here about this guy, they'll be behind you 100%. Also, talk with your parents about it, they usually know what they're talking about (even though we don't always like to admit it.) -Annabelle
faux Posted July 7, 2004 Posted July 7, 2004 You listed quite a few reasons to up and leave the relationship. You are not happy, are not treated well, and fight a lot with your boyfriend. His reaction to the pregnancy scare alone is horrible. Additionally, your relationship is illegal, if you are 17 and he is 18. A person 18 years or older can not be with anyone younger than the age of 18. If your parents dislike him enough, they can call the police and have him in jail for felony charges. Then he'd get to spend a few years in prison and register with Megan's law. Fun. Hey, this type of thing happened to someone I know.
DerangedAngel Posted July 7, 2004 Posted July 7, 2004 You can find someone that will treat you so much better, kally. He can twist everything around and make it make sense, when really, in my head, I know it doesn't make sense. Plenty of people are extremely good at doing this. I've dated a few. He's using you. When it gets to be too much, or he isn't happy with the set-up, he'll drop you. I know it's going to be hard on you to break up with him, you love him, but trust me, it'll only get harder the longer you wait. Also, faux is correct in saying your relationship is illegal. Until I read some of the things he had posted on LoveShack, I always believed some states were different and there were certain exceptions, but after reading up on it, he is absolutely right. Your parents could cause some serious trouble for him. Good luck with any future relationships. Here's hoping you're happy. -Deranged
Author kallygirl Posted July 7, 2004 Author Posted July 7, 2004 Also, faux is correct in saying your relationship is illegal. Until I read some of the things he had posted on LoveShack, I always believed some states were different and there were certain exceptions, but after reading up on it, he is absolutely right. In my state the minor has to be at least 4 years younger. Are you saying this isn't so? I don't know what I'm going to do. He's been really nice for about 3 days, we've been getting along. But I know as soon as I suggest that we shouldn't be together, he's going to make things ugly. I wanted to say something on the phone last night, but I just wasn't ready to start the drama. It all just hurts so much. He doesn't really like any of my friends so I've cut ties with most of them, or the relationships have just dwindled. So, really I have no one for support. I'm going to try to work up the nerve to just tell him tonight. You guys are really being helpful. I don't mean to be a whiner. I know it's a bad relationship, and I want out, I'm just looking for support and strength. Please don't give up on me. Thanks- Kally
StartingAgain Posted July 7, 2004 Posted July 7, 2004 You are confusing the age of consent with the definition of a minor. If a 18 year old male has sex with a girl under age 18, he can be charged with statutory rape, contributing to the deliquency of a minor, inducement of a minor to commit an indecent act, or some other similar crime. The exact charge is up to the descretion of the district attorney. It's this way in all 50 states. Think it will never happen? In my state just two weeks ago, a boy who had just turned 18 in May had sex with his 17 year old girlfriend. Her parents, who knew the boy was just using their daughter for sex and had never approved of the relationship, filed charges for statutory rape. There are advocacy groups working to get the charges redusced so that this boy doesn't have to go to prison, but so far the DA isn't budging much. This is one reason why teenage love affairs is so problematic. You say you don't know what to do. You say you want out. You say you are looking to us for strength. You have the strength to end this toxic relationship within you. You need only to start having faith in yourself. Just tell this looser not to contact you again. If he does, tell him you are turning the matter over to your father and allowing him to take whatever legal action he deems approriate. Get it looser? It's over!
CurlyIam Posted July 7, 2004 Posted July 7, 2004 Girl, if you don't look after yourself, no one ever will! Not ever! Turn to one of your friends for support, to have someone to share your ordeal, to confess and share advice, then do the right thing: brake up with him. You, not your dad, not your mom. This is about you being in controll. About you facing a situation youalone have gotten involved. Think big: this is nothing compared to much more difficult decissions you'll have to make along the way. How are you preparing yourself for life, for the real trials? In order for you parents to trust you, in order for them to respect you, you must show them that you are able to take care of yourself. You must show them and yourself that you are not weak. Kalli, if you are 100% sure you want it to be over, if you are 100% he's bad for you, then do it. Be determined, be convinced of it, and he'll back off. If you tell him straight, clearly, firmly that you want him out of your life, he'll have nothing to say. Do it now,when you're still in vacation. The sooner, the batter! Be strong and as my best friends tells me to piss me off "take it like a challenge" ! Cheers, Curly P.S. If he doesn't want to get lost, you can do what StartingAgain said, tell him about your parents and about the court. I don't think he'll keep bugging you, anyway not too long, something tells me that by fall, he'd already be having another victim in his claws! Sorry, darling, next time keep your eyes wide open, and at the first sign, dump the guy! It's called survival instinct!
HoldOn Posted July 7, 2004 Posted July 7, 2004 Kallygirl, I am so sorry this is happening to you and I know you are confused. I had a similar relationship, even to the point of buying him things. (It took me three years to pay off the credit card debt.) "He can twist everything around and make it make sense, when really, in my head, I know it doesn't make sense." Also, he told you himself that he can't love you, isn't that enough for you. It doesn't matter if he has been "crapped on" in the past. Is that good enough reason for him to crap all over you? You said that he would leave if he got you pregnant. You should not be sleeping with him. Do you want to be a single mother??? You should never sleep with a man if you can't trust him to stay around through thick and thin. There is no 100% perfect birth control. Condoms have a 14% failure rate!! 14% chance of ruining your life and ending up alone with a baby. Not so hot. Listen, I KNOW this is hard. You know the right thing to do, but you feel that he loves you. You feel that you can't ever find anyone that you love as much as you love him. You think he is the whole world and you don't want to hurt him. PLEASE realize that this man has no love for you. Any man who would abandon a pregnant 17-year-old girlfriend, does NOT love her. You have to leave him before it gets any worse. You said: But I know as soon as I suggest that we shouldn't be together, he's going to make things ugly. When you break up, don't make it a "suggestion." Just tell him it's over and you don't want to see him again. Then go to a therapist and try to build up your self-esteem. Stand up for yourself, girl!! I know you can do it! And you will feel so much better afterward.
DerangedAngel Posted July 7, 2004 Posted July 7, 2004 In my state the minor has to be at least 4 years younger. Are you saying this isn't so? That's exactly what I'm saying. Read StartingAgain's post, or look it up yourself. -Deranged
Author kallygirl Posted July 8, 2004 Author Posted July 8, 2004 OK, I did it. I told him that I didn't want to be in this relationship anymore. I ended the phone conversation and I didn't answer anymore of his calls last night. I'm sure I have messages on my cell phone. I know it was the best thing to do, but right now it feels like my heart has been ripped right out and stomped on, and I'm just empty inside. Your posts helped but what really pushed me and gave me the strength I needed was him. Things have been good for about a week. No arguing or fighting at all and he just out of the blue says that he doesn't want to start an argument but wanted to know why I can't keep promises. I was like WTF are you talking about? He said he was happy that I hadn't broken my word in a while, but wanted to know why I did that. He's talking about saying that I would buy him stuff that I couldn't. I wanted to, I couldn't afford it. If he didn't WANT to argue, why would he bring that crap up? If it wasn't designed to make me feel bad, what was it's purpose. For the first time, I saw what it was supposed to do and I didn't let it work. I DO KEEP important promises, but talks about things you'd like to do, aren't promises and when someone asks you for something and you say you'll try, it isn't a promise. And even if they were promises and I couldn't keep them, someone that loved me would understand and try to make me feel BETTER about it, not worse. The surely wouldn't keep dragging it up like a dead cat. I want to be over this soooo bad. I want a life again. Thanks for your help, guys. I'm gonna stick around and post when I have something interesting to say. Kally
myownme Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 Great job! I cant wait for you to find someone who treats you right so you can look back and learn from your mistakes, its a wonderful feeling!
HoldOn Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 Congratulations, Kally! I am so proud of you! This is the first step to make you a stronger person the rest of your life. Don't let him manipulate you into thinking that you are wrong or inconsiderate or that you break promises! Find a man who will buy YOU presents and make you feel special. But most importantly, remember that you are the most important person and make yourself happy first.
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