endofstory Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 (edited) Let me start off with a little history, first of all we've been together over two years, living together for about a year, have two dogs together, and started off with a great relationship. From the beginning, we've always been completely honest and open with each other, did everything together, and everyone knew we were serious about each other. Both my boyfriend and I have both been cheated on multiple times by our exes, (but they slept with other people). He knew how I felt about cheating and I always told him if he ever cheated on me that it would be over. I know the pain it causes and how it destroys relationships based on my own experience. But I do not want to compare my ex with my current boyfriend. My boyfriend did not sleep with multiple people, but cheating is cheating and he did kiss another girl. Anyway, since we've been living together, we've had a few issues about working, school (we're both finishing college) and where we are going to move. So it has been a stressful year and I have been pushing him a lot, maybe even pushing him away, but with good intentions. A few months ago, I'd say around February, he started going out at least 3 x a week with his guy friends, to a bar he can walk to from our apartment. He always invited me, but as I just quit smoking, a bar is not somewhere I'd like to go anytime soon. Again, I assumed he knew this and would maybe think of other stuff for us to do, but instead we just stopped spending a lot of time together. Anyway, last month I found out that he had cheated on me. He went out drinking and met a girl he didn't know, started playing darts, flirted with her and ended up kissing her. He and his friends both told me it was a quick kiss, he got scared and quickly left the bar. I found out because he had blocked this girl on my Facebook and his (what an idiot). So I wrote the girl and asked her basically who she was and what happened to make my boyfriend try to make sure she could never contact either of us. She wrote me back and said she met him one night, and basically gave me the same story he did and that she had never talked to or seen him again since that night. On top of the other problems we had been having, this was the last straw. I asked my boyfriend to move out and he did the same day. After about a week, we sat down and talked about why this happened and what we wanted to do. He promised me it would never happen again and said that he wouldn't be trying so hard to make everything work with me if he thought he'd ever cheat or lie again. He knows I find out everything and that I would leave him in a heartbeat if anything like this happened again. I'm very confused because one part of me does believe him; I think he is an honest guy and we were going through a hard time and he made a mistake. The other part of me cannot get over that he lied and cheated on me (even if it was a drunken kiss - cheating is cheating). I feel weak for giving him another chance and I don't want to feel this way... It hurts so much because I know that I would never ever put myself in a situation where I could potentially hurt him or our relationship. I have forgiven him and made the commitment to try to work things out. Its been a few weeks now and we have really been getting along, hes been making such a great effort to spend time with me and be my partner and best friend again. However, some days and nights I don't want to be around him because all I can think about is how he lied to me and kissed another girl! Even if it meant nothing, it means something to me. How do I trust it was a mistake and that it will never happen again? How do I get over this so we can move on and be happy? When this first happened, I told him every time I felt upset about it or was thinking about it and we would talk but after a few weeks I don't know if talking about it gets either of us anywhere. It doesn't change what has happened. I just don't know what to do. Any suggestions on coping skills and how to learn to trust someone again would be great. Edited June 22, 2012 by endofstory changed wording - cut out irrelevant info
Philosoraptor Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Your feelings are quite reasonable here. Do you believe it was just a kiss or possibly more that everyone is covering for? All I know is that you have a choice to make. You either accept that it happened and work on rebuilding trust or cut ties, there is no middle ground.
canuckgirl7 Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Sorry that happened to you. I've never been cheated on, but given your history I can see how it can affect you in your current relationship. You've been with him for a while so you should know him really well. It sounds cheesy, but what does your gut tell you? If you really love him, then maybe try to work it out, but for me I can't forgive cheating. I'm actually a really forgiving person when it comes to everything, but cheating. Cheating is a deal breaker for me. I can work through almost everything but not that.
ON MY OWN Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Cheating is a definite deal breaker with me. A cheater is a cheater. There is no reason for a kiss that I can think of that would make me ok with trying to work on it. Even if things were stressful, thats what a relationship is all about sticking it out through hard times. Hard times and alcohol are no excuses for that behavior. If you did take him back and he did it again or even more the next time, you could save yourself a whole lot of pain. It is your choice. A definite deal breaker. I am sorry it happened to you. Noone deserves that kind of pain sweetie. Best of luck in your healing whatever you decide.
Author endofstory Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 I feel like all of this is stuff I already know. I thought it would make me feel better to write/vent on here but it just emphasizes everything I don't want to believe. I am still stuck in the same spot I was when I wrote this. So confused and sad and lost. I believe what he told me about what happened. He didn't know I wrote to the girl until after she had written me back, so it would be a pretty huge coincidence if they told the same exact story. Plus, she had nothing to lose by telling me the truth either way. It's not like I was hunting her down with a knife. Anyway. I still don't know what to do and feel just as torn. Like I can't move on.... or make any decisions. This is probably the worst part.... feeling like I'm stuck in limbo. At least if I made a solid decision I'd have something to work towards. Right now I feel like I made the decision to stay while part of me still doesn't fully agree with that and the hardest part is figuring out if I ever will be okay with this.
Mariana345 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I feel sorry that you have to pass through this :/ Well, I think that it depends if you are willing to forgive... But forgive means that you won't care about that anymore, that you can't bring that out never, nor use it against him... I think that forgive, specially cheating, is too dificult to do. One thing is for sure... You lost your confidence in him. And he has to gain it again, but that won't happen unless you want to give him you trust... Maybe time will heal that wound... you never know
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