Success story, thoughts still urgently needed!

[FearfulFuture]

So i want to make this as quick as possible as i understand too much rambling is not good. Like most people on here, after being dumped all i desperately wanted was to get back together with the ex, it was all i could think about and hold onto to get thru those dark days. After finding LS i took all the advice offered and went strict NC from day 1 and didn't look back.

 

The break up was 4 months ago and i am finally beginning to heal/feel better and like so many similar stories i have read, BOOM she returns! We're not talking breadcrumbs here (or at least i don't think so)! I received several texts which stated how she misses me, has been thinking of me, made a huge mistake etc. I was replying keeping to all of the rules (keeping things short, not getting emotional or giving anything away etc). This was the first time i had heard from her in a long time, i guess keeping your distance really does work and i am in no different position than anyone else here! I too was given the im not in love with you, im not happy, don't want to be with you lines but guess what, suddenly im not that awful person i thought i was after the bu, otherwise she wouldn't be returning, right?

 

My dilemma is that after these messages i have now received a further message asking to meet up and 'talk', TOMORROW. Now i have followed everyone's advice to the last letter and this has brought me here (a semi-success story) however im feeling so much better i 1) don't want to get hurt or go back to square one and 2) not sure i want to get back into a relationship with her. Can't believe i am writing that after how i felt all those weeks ago. However, if i don't hear what she wants to say, how will i ever know? I don't want to live with regrets.

 

Please advise me on what i should do as this could be my chance to bring back all those future hopes and dreams and the happy ever after. I realize she hasn't come out and said she wants to get back together, is this a red flag? But could this talk be the words i have been so longing to hear? Is 4 months enough time to truly change? I have read so many wise words on this site and have adhered to all so now i ask for urgent advice on my next step as i need to make a decision today? I thank you in advance.

 

To everyone in NC, it works. For me it has brought along my unrealistic fantasy and for others if they don't return it brings along a speedy recovery. Trouble is, like so many others, i've been so hurt im not sure i want it back.

 

I am 27 and she is 22 (possible gigs) if that helps in anyway, thanks.

[KathyM]

I think the answer is fairly simple: If you want her back and thought the relationship was worth having in your life, then you should agree to meet with her, but before agreeing to get back together, you should have a clear understanding of why you broke up in the first place, and what will be different--what has changed--this time so that past problems won't start to erode your relationship again. If you are perfectly happy without having her in your life, and would rather seek someone you don't have a difficult history with, then decline the invitation to meet.

[FearfulFuture]

Thank you very much KathyM, i appreciate the quick response! A logical, outside thinkers point of view is just what i need.

[gmoore]

Here's my 2 cents.

 

Sounds like you should hear her out BUT in my opinion you can't go into this with ANY expectations. Just meet up with her, let her say her piece & then ask yourself where you are at. Make sure the meeting doen't go too long, have somewhere to be 30-45 min. tops. Don't divulge too much about how you're feeling about the whole thing & remember, YOU are fine without her. Let yourself process the whole thing before you really start responding, and know what you want out of your interactions. If you two really end up wanting to start anew make sure you are both 100%. Good luck!

[BB7]

Have you made a decision yet?

 

It's such a difficult decision because you have come so far and to fall back into that horrible stage at day 1 of NC is just not where you want to be.

 

The question is - do you love this girl enough to risk being hurt again? Is it worth the risk?

 

I also agree with gmoore, you cannot go into this with expectations because that's where the pain will come from but I suspect that you are already past that. How could you not have some sort of hope from this.

 

Don't be too available for her though and make sure that you make the right call for you, not her.

 

I think that you should meet up with her and hear what she has to say but be on your guard. Remember, you are the one with the power now and you want to keep it that way.

 

If it were me, I'd go.

 

Best of luck.

[favoritepills]

Hi, FF! The same thing happened for me. I followed strict NC, and not too long later he was blowing up my phone and email, telling me he'd made a huge mistake and he wanted me back.

 

Even though we both wanted it, getting back together wasn't always easy. I had my moments of doubt ("He said he'd never hurt me like this," "Why should I settle for someone who dumped me?") but he was willing to have all the painful conversations with me until I gained closure. It was important that we both recognized we had 50-50 responsibility for the breakup. Before our first meetup to get back together, we talked about perspectives we'd gained during our alone time. We talked about what went wrong, and what we needed to work on to fix it -- we even wrote down a detailed action plan for it. Sounds cheesy, but it worked for us.

 

Now, our relationship is much better than it ever was. We're more open with each other, more mature instead of overly idealistic. We've found a place and we'll be moving in together in July!

 

So, in summary, I agree with the advice everyone else has given you:

1. Don't have any expectations. Wait until she tells you clearly that she wants to try again.

2. Set some boundaries and ground rules for your new relationship. Make sure you both are on the same page about what caused the breakup, and figure out what you need to do to ensure that doesn't happen again.

3. Taking it slow helps. Rediscover what you loved about each other, and appreciate how you've both improved during your time apart.

 

Good luck!

[FearfulFuture]

Hi guys. Thanks to those who have written on this thread, i read through each one thoroughly and made a decision based on the advice offered.

 

To keep you up to date we met up the next day and i have to admit it was so nice to see her after months of trying to get over the whole ordeal. I went into it with no expectations and only to hear what she had to say, to my amazement she instantly told me she had made a mistake, has been thinking about me for so long but couldn't fight the urge to get in contact and out right asked for me back! All those times dreaming of that day and it finally arrives. However, it doesn't feel like i expected it to.

 

I have come so far after four terrible months of heartache and pain and i was feeling good for the first time in ages. Why do dumpers have such awful timing? Anyway, i listened and tried not to give much away but explained how much i have been hurt and not sure if i could trust her again etc. She said all the right things and i could feel myself falling for her all over again. Thanks to the advice on here i held strong and told her i was not going to come back easy and she would have to try very hard to convince me it is truly what she wants.

 

The thing is i am of course still in love with her but do second chances really work/last? Is 5 months apart enough for those all important changes? I have all the power back and hold all the cards and i thought it would feel great, im just left feeling confused and torn.

 

I thank you all once again for the input and hope i could get some insight on how to move forward from here.

 

I guess they really do come back but in my experience it doesn't live up to the fantasy.

[daphne]

It really doesn't live up to the fantasy. Probably, because by the time they do it you don't care as much as you once did. The withdrawals are done, and they're off the pedestal. Now, they're kind of in the doghouse for putting you through it.

 

It's normal to feel confused and torn. You don't have to take her back. Take your time, find out the why's and if she's still the same person, I'd recommend you go back to NC. 5 months usually isn't enough time for most people to make big changes. That's why you hear of 1+ year reconciliations that stick. 5 months is really the time people are recognizing that chasing after the 20% is futile.

 

Keep your eyes open and pay attention to what you want to see in her before you'd take her back. If she can't meet that, you may as well keep looking because if she's the same you won't have a different relationship from the first.

[gmoore]

Just make sure YOU know what YOU want. Make sure it's what you BOTH want. Take it slow & be honest with each other. Have fun too, being with someone should be enjoyable.

 

YOU MUST BE WILLING TO FORGIVE! It won't work if you can't find it within yourself to forgive her & learn to trust her again. Be confident that you are whole, with or without her.

 

Good Luck!

[adurrant]

Hello FearfulFuture,

 

just wondering, did you go straight NC with her following the breakup? did you try to win her back at all? in terms of NC did this include everything (Facebook etc), also did she try before to contact you? or did you only respond to the fact that she wanted to 'talk'

 

sorry about all the questions!

 

All the best,

 

Alex.

Edited July 1, 2012 by adurrant
I messed up...

[FearfulFuture]

Hi adurrent.

Its okay, i don't mind answering any questions people may have. I went NC as soon as i had the chance, as explained in previous posts we shared an apartment together so the first month was pure hell until we decided what to do about the living situation. Once all finances were sorted and she moved out i initiated NC.

 

I didn't explain i was going to do it, i just faded away like everyone had said. I still had Facebook and didn't block or remove as a friend and occasionally (not very often) i would receive a text or email (all business related). I replied politely and to the point and carried on with my life. It was very hard to stay so disciplined but i have had a few LTRs and i have never taken out the NC rule in the past, needless to say they never returned. I believe through my experience it is the best way to go. If im honest my motivation to stick NC was helped with the idea it is the best way for the ex to return.

 

I didn't try and win her back at all, i figured she walked and there was nothing i could do. My ex did return but i warn you it doesn't feel like you may expect. On our first meeting she said all the things i wanted to hear and i was thrilled, on our second meeting she brought up all our previous issues and why we can potentially not work, it shattered me again. We are still meeting up with the hope of maybe getting back together but im finding it hard to trust her intentions and i fear she only wanted me because i wasn't on the scene, now im around it feels she isn't so desperate. Time will tell and we will see what the outcome is, i just need to make sure i don't set myself for a fall. Why cant things be easy?

 

Good luck and take care

[GLDheart]

I think I would have a little fun. Flirt. Play. Enjoy... I really wouldn't want to discuss old relationship problems at this point. What a downer.

 

In fact I wouldn't even know if getting back together long term would be worth even thinking about at this point. It would be like dating someone new... but maybe better.

 

I think where this is falling apart for you really is that she is sensing it's her choice again. I think this should be more about YOUR choice to even have her back.