Cohabitating and Divorce, is there a connection?

[Plan 9 from OS]

I've been a lurker on and off for awhile and I've read through many threads on the site. I am currently married and to the best of my knowledge the marriage is still a good one. Married 15 years with 3 kids. My wife and I do not have the perfect marriage, but I think we work at it every day. We definitely communicate a lot, which I think helps a lot because we both know where we stand and if one or the other is beginning to feel unappreciated, taken for granted, etc. Enough background on me.

 

My question for everyone is what your thoughts are on cohabitating and the possible effects to marriage. My wife and I have worked in the marriage preperation program for our church from time to time and have sponsored a few couples. One of the big issues that I have seen is the change in couples who decide to live together prior to marriage. To me it seems like a lot of bad habits are developed prior to the marriage, and these habits have a negative effect on the marriage itself.

 

What are your thoughts? Anyone think this is a serious issue or a non-issue? I know there are a number of factors that can pile up that can result in a divorce, but I think this issue is bigger than people think. JMO.

[jwi71]

I've been a lurker on and off for awhile and I've read through many threads on the site. I am currently married and to the best of my knowledge the marriage is still a good one. Married 15 years with 3 kids. My wife and I do not have the perfect marriage, but I think we work at it every day. We definitely communicate a lot, which I think helps a lot because we both know where we stand and if one or the other is beginning to feel unappreciated, taken for granted, etc. Enough background on me.

 

My question for everyone is what your thoughts are on cohabitating and the possible effects to marriage. My wife and I have worked in the marriage preperation program for our church from time to time and have sponsored a few couples. One of the big issues that I have seen is the change in couples who decide to live together prior to marriage. To me it seems like a lot of bad habits are developed prior to the marriage, and these habits have a negative effect on the marriage itself.

 

What are your thoughts? Anyone think this is a serious issue or a non-issue? I know there are a number of factors that can pile up that can result in a divorce, but I think this issue is bigger than people think. JMO.

 

Recent academic research has shown liite to no correlation between cohabitation and divorce rates.

 

Google for it, it's out there.

 

And I would love to know what these bad habits are....just out of curiosity.

[Plan 9 from OS]

I did google it, and ironically all of the first links talked about the negative effects of cohabitating with some studies linked in the articles. I'll post some of the links below.

 

Some of the negatives that I have seen is some of the couples we've sponsored include: 1) developing a "his" and "her" mentality about possessions and finances as opposed to an "our" mentality. 2) coming across as if the couple is living more like roomates than a committed couple and 3) not taking the time to make serious decisions about how to set up a household as a married couple starting off from the beginning. These are some things that I've seen as a sponsor couple.

 

This is probably in the wrong forum now that I think about it. However, maybe a few people can advise if it was a factor in their issues with divorce and seperation. I have kids that could quite easily be getting married within 5 - 10 years from now, and any help that I can give to try to help them with their marriages is what I want to look for. Also, I'm always looking to see if I can keep my marriage going strong too.

 

I feel bad for many on here who are telling their stories about their marriages going south. I have known a number of people who have had to divorce, with the last being my SIL. Very sad situation.

 

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/15/opinion/sunday/the-downside-of-cohabiting-before-marriage.html?pagewanted=all

 

Discovery Health "Does living together before marriage lead to divorce?"

 

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/03/us/03marry.html

[jwi71]

I did google it, and ironically all of the first links talked about the negative effects of cohabitating with some studies linked in the articles. I'll post some of the links below.

 

Thanks for the links - interesting perspectives. I would post links in refutation but I'm on my IPhone and it's a chore to do so. I will give you what I googled for though "cohabitation divorce correlation". I scanned the articles again and most do not find a statiistically significant link between cohabitation and D. You can also google for "cohabitation leads to D" and it's opposite to get a better feel for opinions both con and for the practice.

 

My sense is that it does not lead to increased frequency of D even though my first M began as cohabitants leading to M and then onto D. I do not believe that living together, in college no less, made D more or less likely for us.

 

1) developing a "his" and "her" mentality about possessions and finances as opposed to an "our" mentality.

 

Before my M and D I would have strongly agreed with this. However, seeing as I got raped in the D, I now strongly disagree with it. The reason is obvious - but, looking a bit deeper, the his and her setup also offers some advantages that have nothing to do with fear of getting raped in D again. 1) my money is mine to spend meaning zero arguments about money. What I spend my money is my choice and mine alone (after paying my part of joint expenses). 2) it eliminates the number 1 cause of arguments in a M (money). 3) far easier to buy gifts as the purchase isn't on a joint account and thusly visible to the other 4) not subsidizing the other (via commingled funds) 5) eliminates trouble if one partner is a spender and the other a saver 6) the higher wage earner can't control the lesser wage earner 7) I don't get raped if we D .

 

I find the setup far superior to commingled assets. Luckily, my W does too and for us it works great.

 

2) coming across as if the couple is living more like roomates than a committed couple

 

My problem here is that marriage does not equal commitment. Similiarily, lack of M does not make one uncommitted.

 

and 3) not taking the time to make serious decisions about how to set up a household as a married couple starting off from the beginning.

 

I find the opposite. A couple living together has already decided those things. They do so tacitly, sometimes overtly but always with experience as the navigate creating their "household rules". That seems far more effective than sitting down at a table with a checklist of discussion points (which can be done after living together). Either way, the couple will make those decisions, change them and possibly ignore them as they grow and mature together. Has nothing to do with living together - well, actually, I think and said that couples that live together have a leg up on those that don't - aka experience.

 

This is probably in the wrong forum now that I think about it. However, maybe a few people can advise if it was a factor in their issues with divorce and seperation. I have kids that could quite easily be getting married within 5 - 10 years from now, and any help that I can give to try to help them with their marriages is what I want to look for. Also, I'm always looking to see if I can keep my marriage going strong too.

 

To reiterate, in my life, living together had no effect on who I M or the eventual D. It was a non-issue.

 

Ultimately though, it's your kids decision. They will choose, rightly or wrongly, their path in life. As will mine. All I, you or anyone can do is offer guidance upon request. And hope they don't screw up too bad along the way.

[Plan 9 from OS]

I wouldn't say cohabitating is THE smoking gun. I do believe that there may be something to it. I haven't done an exhaustive search by any means for studies about cohabitating, but I found it interesting that so many articles right up front were against it. My search was "cohabitating and divorce". Anyways, I think what we will find is that there are some couples that can cohabitate without there being any issues as well as couples where it was an issue. It's probably not the primary issue, but I've seen this thought being thrown out there enough to be curious about what others think.

 

My opinion is that it is a net detriment, but how much of one I'm not sure about. Some of the issues with these types of studies are that we're talking discrete data, and many other factos studied for divorce are also discrete. Too bad this wasn't about continuous data where the studies can be neet and tidy...