I'm attracted to him but also repulsed by his looks sometimes

[JHparkes]

Hello

There is this guy that likes me at work. He fixes the cars at work. We got speaking two months ago and he fixed my car. I came to really like his personality. He is not very good looking, in fact some people might say ugly.

 

I had a bad time about 4 weeks ago and he took me and my friend out as friends. Then the following week he came to my friend's house to fix her computer and we both said he was a good laugh and a nice guy.

 

We have been speaking on facebook chat every night.

 

I know he is attracted to me. But here's the thing, sometimes I am attracted to him and feel very warm feelings for him and at other times i am actually repulsed - why is that?

 

I can talk to him about anything and feel really comfortable with him. Sometimes I think he would make a wonderful boyfriend as I can imagine him taking care of me.

Other times I feel as though there is no way I could go with him!

I mostly fancy him when we are at work - I catch sight of him and we both smile at each other and I get a warm feeling inside. This other girl was chatting to him (who I know he likes) and I was soooo jealous.

Then on the friday he came to pick me up for a meal and I felt put off him again because of his looks.

I look forward to chatting to him at night too.

This friday I am not seeing him (today) and I have an urge to take my car and get it fixed (it needs doing) today just so i can see him and chat to him.

what the hell is going on? I'm so confused :-(

[kiss_andmakeup]

You're not attracted to him, but you're flattered and warmed by his attention and affection and want it to continue (hence your jealousy when he talked to another girl he liked). You like the ego stroke of regularly chatting with a guy that you know is attracted to and interested in you.

 

Come on. You know you can't realistically pursue a relationship with someone you actually find "repulsive" to look at. And dangling your interest on a string in front of him is kind of cruel. Make it (very) clear that you're only interested in him as friends and prepare for his attention and interest to wane (if he's smart). Let him be free to go find someone who is able to let his inner qualities outshine his physical ones, and who will love him for who he is.

[jobaba]

Hello

There is this guy that likes me at work. He fixes the cars at work. We got speaking two months ago and he fixed my car. I came to really like his personality. He is not very good looking, in fact some people might say ugly.

 

I had a bad time about 4 weeks ago and he took me and my friend out as friends. Then the following week he came to my friend's house to fix her computer and we both said he was a good laugh and a nice guy.

 

We have been speaking on facebook chat every night.

 

I know he is attracted to me. But here's the thing, sometimes I am attracted to him and feel very warm feelings for him and at other times i am actually repulsed - why is that?

 

I can talk to him about anything and feel really comfortable with him. Sometimes I think he would make a wonderful boyfriend as I can imagine him taking care of me.

Other times I feel as though there is no way I could go with him!

I mostly fancy him when we are at work - I catch sight of him and we both smile at each other and I get a warm feeling inside. This other girl was chatting to him (who I know he likes) and I was soooo jealous.

Then on the friday he came to pick me up for a meal and I felt put off him again because of his looks.

I look forward to chatting to him at night too.

This friday I am not seeing him (today) and I have an urge to take my car and get it fixed (it needs doing) today just so i can see him and chat to him.

what the hell is going on? I'm so confused :-(

 

I would REALLY love to see pics of you and him...

[JHparkes]

You're not attracted to him, but you're flattered and warmed by his attention and affection and want it to continue (hence your jealousy when he talked to another girl he liked). You like the ego stroke of regularly chatting with a guy that you know is attracted to and interested in you.

 

Come on. You know you can't realistically pursue a relationship with someone you actually find "repulsive" to look at. And dangling your interest on a string in front of him is kind of cruel. Make it (very) clear that you're only interested in him as friends and prepare for his attention and interest to wane (if he's smart). Let him be free to go find someone who is able to let his inner qualities outshine his physical ones, and who will love him for who he is.

 

Actually, I wish it were that clear cut, but it's not. I do actually feel very attracted to him when we are at work and sometimes out of work on some occasions. It's NOT that I am loving the attention (just wanted to catagorically state that) as I have others that I haven't been attracted to and have given me attention, that I haven't felt this conflicted over, nor did I have the warm glow that I feel sometimes with him.

 

Anyone else got any useful advice/ideas/insight?

[january2011]

If the thought of years of sitting across from him during mealtimes or his face near yours during sex do not fill you with love and want, then I think you should nip this in the bud right now.

 

It sounds like you're looking for some protector figure who will take care of you, not an equal partner you're attracted to and with whom you'd share lives. I suspect that in your mind you've idealised this guy but you can't resolve the fact that you're not actually attracted to him. Perhaps you've had a lull in romantic interest and this is the only guy that's come along, so you're wondering if this is the best that you can do. I think you can do better. And so can he.

[Bristolius]

Make a dialectical analysis of your feelings.

 

Seriously, ambivalence is common enough, but difficult and confusing. I'd say that seeing him as repulsive is the deciding factor.

 

It's OK to not be physically attracted to someone and still like them. There are enough women that like me that it's certain some find me unappealing sexually. There's nothing wrong with that.

 

Just don't lead him on.

[gaius]

He seems to be ingrained in your thoughts, I think you should go out with him. See if that face gets any prettier to you over time. Situations like this have happened before and developed into something meaningful. Richard Nixon's eventual wife wouldn't date him for a while, I think we can all guess why.

[jobaba]

Actually, I wish it were that clear cut, but it's not. I do actually feel very attracted to him when we are at work and sometimes out of work on some occasions. It's NOT that I am loving the attention (just wanted to catagorically state that) as I have others that I haven't been attracted to and have given me attention, that I haven't felt this conflicted over, nor did I have the warm glow that I feel sometimes with him.

 

Anyone else got any useful advice/ideas/insight?

 

I would like to flip this around for a second...

 

Imagine there was a gorgeous man you fell for who said about you...

 

"I have feelings for her."

"I love being around her and talking to her everyday. I make excuses to go see her."

"I think about her all the time."

"I have felt myself being attracted to her and she seems like good GF material."

"I can talk to (her) about anything and feel really comfortable with (her)."

 

But then he comes on an online message board and talks about how repulsive you are and that the good looking crowd he hangs with would consider you ugly, and that he doesn't want to be with you for that reason.

 

How would that make YOU feel?

 

It's fine not to not want to date someone you are not attracted to, but have the conviction to make that choice on your own instead of asking a bunch of strangers to give you validation for not being shallow.

 

I make my own decisions as to whom is attractive or not. I don't ask a bunch of strangers to give me my answer...

 

Add... I have never met a person who is a good person who I have thought was 'repulsive'. Unattractive, perhaps. Your choice of words say a lot about your mentality.

Edited June 22, 2012 by jobaba

[Titanwolf]

OP don't feel bad. there's probably some fat ugly chick who is in love with him that he treats like **** too. But he won't date her because she's beneath him. He probably tells her how all women are mean and reject him while he's rejecting her

 

it's how life works.

 

First of all, it's not cool to make assumptions, it's making you sound extremely bitter. Secondly, a man usually considers a woman unattractive BECAUSE she is fat, which are indicators of other things such as a lack of discipline. If you had just said she was "ugly" (which is subjective) I could have seen your point, but the fact that you use fat+ ugly synonymously, leads me to believe that you yourself think that being fat, automatically makes a woman ugly. You get fat, you don't get ugly, therefore this is a poor and bitter assumption to make.

[FitChick]

It sounds like you've never dated men who were kind and helpful. Would you be embarrassed if coworkers found out you were dating him? Never date people at work. It almost always ends badly.

 

Besides, if it didn't work out, who would you get to fix your car?

[january2011]

It sounds like you've never dated men who were kind and helpful. Would you be embarrassed if coworkers found out you were dating him? Never date people at work. It almost always ends badly.

 

Besides, if it didn't work out, who would you get to fix your car?

 

All good points from FitChick. Especially, about dating someone at work and the embarrassment. He really isn't the one (if you believe in such stuff) if you're embarrassed to be seen with him. No "warm glow" is going to be able to outweigh that.

[JHparkes]

If the thought of years of sitting across from him during mealtimes or his face near yours during sex do not fill you with love and want, then I think you should nip this in the bud right now.

 

It sounds like you're looking for some protector figure who will take care of you, not an equal partner you're attracted to and with whom you'd share lives. I suspect that in your mind you've idealised this guy but you can't resolve the fact that you're not actually attracted to him. Perhaps you've had a lull in romantic interest and this is the only guy that's come along, so you're wondering if this is the best that you can do. I think you can do better. And so can he.

 

Ok so just to confuse this evn further, I have got another guy that is very interested in me and we have been out on a date. He is (by most people's standards) good looking, but I don't feel as relaxed with him and don't feel the same warm glow.

The person who commented that this guy seems to be on my mind a lot of the time (the mechanic) has said the truth - he is on my mind like 95% of the time. Like when I can talk to him etc. But it's just that sometimes I don't find him attractive.

 

Perhaps "repulsive" was much too strong of a word to use. Probably "unattractive" would be better.

[gaius]

Ok so just to confuse this evn further, I have got another guy that is very interested in me and we have been out on a date. He is (by most people's standards) good looking, but I don't feel as relaxed with him and don't feel the same warm glow.

The person who commented that this guy seems to be on my mind a lot of the time (the mechanic) has said the truth - he is on my mind like 95% of the time. Like when I can talk to him etc. But it's just that sometimes I don't find him attractive.

 

Perhaps "repulsive" was much too strong of a word to use. Probably "unattractive" would be better.

It really is something that can be worked through sometimes. Richard Nixon isn't the only example, I know Al Roker had to hang out with his wife for a while before she agreed to date him. If he's on your mind that much then date him and see what happens. You would only be doing yourself and any other guys you see a disservice by not.

[january2011]

In my experience, when you cannot chose between two options, it suggests that there is a third option that you've not discovered yet. An option that meets all the criteria that are not fulfilled by the original two.

 

I suggest that you either pick one, based on your gut feeling rather than allowing internet strangers to choose for you, or pick neither and let both men go on to find women who are more sure about them.

[monkey00]

Repulsive like a Daniel Craig type? Or John C Reilly repulsive?

 

Maybe this explains why attractive women go out with guys who are below average.

[kaylan]

OP you arent attracted to him, so just keep it moving miss.

 

Also, I wonder why I only ever see women creating these kind of threads regarding men they are trying to force an attraction to....or they are trying to wait to see if one forms. I never see guys with these threads...and it makes me wonder if dudes ever "give a girl a chance" or try to force an attraction. It also makes me wonder if guys are just more sure of their physical attraction to someone.

 

OP how old are you? Because Ive noticed that the women who create these threads tend to be racing against some silly clock and once they hit late 20s or ealy 30s, they start trying to rush finding someone to settle down with. And when they start racing the clock, many end up dating guys they settle for, and that just wastes more of their time when they could being enjoying single life until the right guy comes along.

 

Anyways, there should be no question of your attraction to someone you will want to date. If you have to question it, then it isnt there and theres no chemistry. Sure its ok to consider someone average looking and giving them a shot because you click so well...but you find this guy repulsive....so this is something that cant work. Im super suprised that anyone would consider dating someone they find repulsive. You wont want to stay with this dude when you find a guy whos really sexy to you.

[JHparkes]

OP you arent attracted to him, so just keep it moving miss.

 

Also, I wonder why I only ever see women creating these kind of threads regarding men they are trying to force an attraction to....or they are trying to wait to see if one forms. I never see guys with these threads...and it makes me wonder if dudes ever "give a girl a chance" or try to force an attraction. It also makes me wonder if guys are just more sure of their physical attraction to someone.

 

OP how old are you? Because Ive noticed that the women who create these threads tend to be racing against some silly clock and once they hit late 20s or ealy 30s, they start trying to rush finding someone to settle down with. And when they start racing the clock, many end up dating guys they settle for, and that just wastes more of their time when they could being enjoying single life until the right guy comes along.

 

Anyways, there should be no question of your attraction to someone you will want to date. If you have to question it, then it isnt there and theres no chemistry. Sure its ok to consider someone average looking and giving them a shot because you click so well...but you find this guy repulsive....so this is something that cant work. Im super suprised that anyone would consider dating someone they find repulsive. You wont want to stay with this dude when you find a guy whos really sexy to you.

 

Please...this is not correct

 

My feelings for this man are deeper than that.

Like today, I almost feel as though I am in love with him, seriously.

And I'm not in any rush to "find a man to settle down with"

Please trust me on this.

However, my feelings are very contradictory and I have never felt this way before.

Men have asked me out before and there has been slight interest to virtually none and after a few times of seeing them it was obvious to me that it wasn't there. But this is DIFFERENT. I feel a connection to him.

Sometimes when I see him his eyes are beautiful to me.

And I can imagine having sex with him definately.

[jobaba]

 

Also, I wonder why I only ever see women creating these kind of threads regarding men they are trying to force an attraction to....or they are trying to wait to see if one forms. I never see guys with these threads...and it makes me wonder if dudes ever "give a girl a chance" or try to force an attraction. It also makes me wonder if guys are just more sure of their physical attraction to someone.

 

 

I've seen lots of threads where guys say they've had a woman grow on them. I can link em if you want.

 

They just don't feel the need to ask advice on a message board of whom they should be attracted to and let their emotions pull them in every which way and turn them into a pretzeled mess.

[kaylan]

Whatever OP. If you want to settle, and potentially hurt yourself, and more importanly potentionally string along and hurt this man, then go ahead and ignore all of our advice.

 

Relationships need physical, emotional, and mental chemistry. You dont have all 3 with either of these guys. So neither of them are for you. If a guy doesnt give you strong feelings of lust, then hes wrong for you. Sexual attraction is the difference between friends and lovers. I think your settling.

 

Also, my ex who I loved deeply, Always had beautiful eyes to me, even when she broke my heart. Even when we were having problems I always wanted to feel close to her by being intimate. It was never a "sometimes" thing...she was always the girl I wanted to make love to from the time I fell for her.

 

And you didnt answer my question. How old are you?

Edited June 22, 2012 by kaylan

[jobaba]

 

If a guy doesnt give you strong feelings of lust, then hes wrong for you. Sexual attraction is the difference between friends and lovers.

 

I wouldn't say that's the way everybody operates.

 

I'd say that's the way you operate. Which is fine.

 

Let's face it. There's a great deal of people that nobody is going to ever have a strong feeling of lust for. So, those people are just in bad relationships because they found somebody who likes them for you they are?

 

I don't think it's so cut and dry.

 

Personally, if I found a chick who was great in every way but lookswise was 'meh', I would roll with it, not think twice, and not think I was settling in any way whatsoever. Compatibility is a lot harder to find. Cute girls are a dime a dozen.

Edited June 22, 2012 by jobaba

[truth_seeker]

I've seen lots of threads where guys say they've had a woman grow on them.

 

This happened to me. I wasn't really attracted to the girl at first but for whatever reason the more she came into contact with me, I became attracted to her. Once I made a move she turned me down. Then she changed her mind but I turned her down. Then we hated each other and that was that.

[Leigh 87]

That poster is right: cute , good looking people, who are available to you, and who really like you, while you really like them - is very rare.

 

Most people, to find true love before their 30, will need to find a guy or girl that they feel the way the OP describes, and yet does not think their partner is attractive.

I have a very badly broken nose... I was very thin with a hollywood perfect body when I met my partner - yet I am not that pretty, but he over looked it. He told me that I am much prettier now than when we first met, to him - because he loves me.

He was not REPULSED by me, though! He was just not highly attracted to my facial features...

You know - if you are actially REPULSED, and having sex would be a chore then that is one issue... You should try to not resort to that, unless your proufoundly ugly yourself.

THat said, not being always attracted to a person is NORMAL.

 

COme on people!!!! SOME people are NEVER going to be lusted after physically, without a plastic sergent....

I am actually betting myself and getting the qualifications I need to get my dream jobs atm - and am working on my personality.

I am also getting a nose job. Because how ever wonderful I come across, I want to get lusted after more. Because I want to.

What is it, OP, that is so bad about this guy? Repulsive is a strong word; I have a crooked nose, but I have nice teeth and a great body and nice skin - therefore, some guys do not find me that hot, but they are not repulsed enough to refuse me if they really come to love my pesonality and we mesh well.

.....I say that it is unrealistic to be attracted to people that are a good romantic match for you, most of the time.

Come on, MOST PEOPLE would be ALONE, for most of their lives, likely all their lives, if they waited for a person who they had romantic feelings towards, yet was not all that attractive to them!

 

Being repulsed is one thing! Not being all that thrilled with their looks is another! She said she CAN handle having sex with him.......

My boyfriend thought I was hot, but at times he said my very crooked nose was a turn off at first.

He loves me now, so it does not factor into his long term happiness with me, and he is not repulsed by it, and rather just does not think I have the best nose, and agrees that I would be significantly more attractive with a nose job.

We still have a great sex life and he is very satisfied with me, even with my very unpleasant nose - he is no sex god who will easily go and get a super hot girl who is also me in terms of personality to him, so he just sticks toa good thing when he finds it...

The nose job.. LOOKS, are a bonus, in a relationship...

Just a simple attraction is enough - being attracted and elated ALL the time over your partners looks is really NOT that important.

 

What worrys me OP, is you used the word " repulsed"...

Edited June 22, 2012 by Leigh 87

[yongyong]

I have an affection for certain kind of dogs. (basset hound to be exact) I don't care if it's a beautiful poodle or some other exotic breed. I just don't have feeling for it.

So the person doesn't have to look perfect for you to have an attraction. you just need to find your type.

 

If you ran into him at grocery store, there would be no way you would've gave that guy even a chance to talk to you. I am sure you would've been disgusted by his looks and just ignored him like a roach.

(I laugh at these idiots saying 'why do you judge a person by their looks and don't give him/her a chance?' Really? you look at this nasty person walking around and think 'hm....he/she might turn out to be a good person...I should...' lol)

 

You guys are in a different situation though. you are forced to see him occasionally.

You might discover his personality that will overshadow his ugly looks. As of right now, I can tell it's not strong enough.

 

Personally, I don't care how nice a woman is if I am not attracted to him.

Although this ugly girl brings sandwich for every lunch, washes my feet, folds my clothes and cleans my car, I'd rather do all these things on my own and date a beautiful chick.

[yongyong]

Do you know how I know you are a typical corn fed, fat, juice dripping, American woman?

 

 

you are filth. sick filth. you have no morals and you are anti god.

[yongyong]

Good. sounds like typical republican white trash

 

im an american man with sound morals. you dont have morals