Was I always the back-up plan? Should I just get over it?

[AndTheySay]

Hello. New member here. So, due to a complicated start with my boyfriend, I feel like the back-up plan and it's driving me crazy. Bear with me - for your sake, I'll try to be as concise as I can without leaving out any unnecessary details...

 

 

• (TL;DR version: Before my boyfriend and I properly got together, he was pretty much dividing dates between me and my friend. Still sorta bothers me.)
  
• ~background
  
• Began getting to know each other as friends (he initiated the friendship) in late October and have texted ever since. Broke up with his then-girlfriend in mid-January (the relationship came to its natural conclusion), kissed a mutual friend (who he had told me he thought was good-looking prior to this, after they had became friends in December) the following week. We hung out for the first time a week after that (something he arranged before he knew I found out they had kissed - might've actually been before I found out, come to think of it), went for lunch and a coffee afterwards - he paid for both.
  
• After hanging out for the first time, we began to do so on a weekly basis and sometimes saw each other outside school more often than that, due to overlapping friendship groups.
  
• He took me out for dinner and drinks on Valentine's Day (For the record, he was certainly aware that that's the day it was!). Hadn't made any attempt to kiss me by this stage, so I was convinced he saw me as nothing more than a friend. What I found strange is that he criticised the girl once or twice during dinner, one of his criticisms being that (to paraphrase) her mouth was too small and so he didn’t enjoy kissing her... An odd thing to mention, right? Anyway.
  
• Considering that, I was quite surprised to see that he couldn't get enough of the girl the following Saturday, when she had a small group of us round - just days after V'Day. I had been elsewhere beforehand and so arrived a few hours later than everyone else (who were all pretty sloshed, might I add); a friend seemed to think it wouldn’t have happened between them had I been there from the beginning of the night. I disclosed to this same friend that I felt like the easy option and she told me, “Think about it, she’s the easy option.” Upset me to see them together, regardless.
  
• Fast forward a few week (end of February), we’re out at a club and he leans in to kiss me – for the first time, this is. Taken aback and mindful of the situation with this other girl, I push him away. So, he took me to a quieter area of the dance floor to talk about it. “What about _? I thought you liked her.” He avoided the question, saying that she had kissed other guys as well as him and that he didn’t think she liked him. Not the first time he had said the whole “Yeah, but she doesn’t like me…” thing. He also told me the first time he kissed her he didn’t think he truly wanted to although the following time it happened he thinks that he did (during our V’Day hang out session). He finally came out with, “I like the girl I talked to first” (which is me) and, referring to the other girl, “I like her a little bit.” We shook hands and agreed to be friends.
  
• I think I made it pretty clear to him that I wasn’t going to get with him while she was still in the picture as a more-than-friend but out of moral obligation above anything else. Just over a week later, we were talking as usual when, completely out of the blue, he sent me text detailing how he “felt like a dick”, that he was sorry, and that it wasn’t his intention to “mess anyone around.” He then declared that it was “getting too weird” with this other girl and that he told her he didn’t want to continue “being all kissy and stuff” with her. In that same text he stated “obviously I have a wee bit of a thing for you (hahaha FML)” – by this stage I hadn’t said to him that I liked him in that way. Also, his ending it with her was *not* my suggestion… He very much did it of his own accord.
  
• One thing, before it had officially ended, she was his +1 to his pal’s 18th birthday party – held on the second Saturday of March. That kind of got to me as I still can’t see it as anything other than him choosing her over me. A friend in fact brought it up with him briefly (I didn’t ask her to, though I had expressed how I viewed it) and he claimed, “Yeah, but there was a reason for that” – she didn’t ask about this supposed reason and, to this day, I have no idea what it was.
  
• Well, the girl didn’t go due to the awkwardness of it (she had ‘babysitting’ that night) and I went in the end, but not as his +1 – it was the guy turning 18’s idea to ask me along. My now boyfriend and I, we stayed up until 7am cuddling and talking. He tried to kiss me again, I didn’t follow through with it. He talked about how he liked me and asked why I didn’t like him. I gave in and told him I did. Fell asleep holding hands. (On the count of 3… Aww.)
  
• Two weeks later, we finally kissed and the rest, as they say, is history…
  
• Okay, so, what’s the problem? Last night the girl casually dropped into conversation a film that they had seen together. I vaguely remember him telling me about how terrible said movie was, but I wasn’t aware he had seen it with her. It could well have been the only time they hung out, but I’m annoyed and upset to think that he essentially dated us in tandem… He had every right to, I guess, but I didn’t place much meaning on a few drunken kisses between them and this, this is different. The former (hanging out) suggests there were more feelings there than the former (hooking up under the influence) would lead you to believe.
  
• ~how I feel about it now
  
• Worthless, maybe? Certainly the back-up plan. Something so small has managed to resurface the doubts and what-ifs I worked so hard to suppress… If she hadn’t wanted to kiss other boys, would he have even tried to kiss me in the first place? I have to wonder. They’re still friends, by the way (though she supposedly finds her annoying at times). Though occasionally a trifle jealous about it (on bad days, y’know?), I see absolutely nothing wrong with them continuing a friendship. I suppose it hurts to think of boyfriend having eyes for someone else, and that an otherwise great relationship might have never come about because of this.
  
• He’d often talk about how he tried so hard to win me over (as I’ve said, I was pretty quiet about my interest in him) and I have to hold back from telling him, “And rightly so…” We only discussed the origins of our relationship and the bizarre love triangle (New Order, ahoy) that went on after a few drinks and, even then, little was said or resolved. I mean, I feel as though I should confront him about it, ‘yeah, you really did mess me around, now that I think about it’, but what on earth would I gain from being bringing up the past and being so petty about it, at that? But unless I do confront him, I doubt I’ll be able to get over it (though I almost had). It’s hard not to be immature and irrational about it all, I won’t lie.
  
• Is it wisest just to stay shtoom and let bygones be bygones? Am I needlessly and recklessly finding holes in our relationship which aren’t there or, more importantly, shouldn’t matter? I should probably see it as him not knowing what he wanted once on the market again (which is understandable), and after weighing up his options, he realised he wanted to be with me but hey, I’m just your typical insecure adolescent.
  
• Ph-ew. -wipes brow- Sorry for all the babbling, folks! Your input is greatly appreciated.
  
• P.S. Though I had feelings for him early on, I believe I respected both his relationship and his girlfriend… No raunchy texts or any of that ‘you should break up with her’ nonsense. Just thought I should put that out there.
  

[january2011]

This is why I don't multi-date, keep in contact with exes, date people who have only recently broken up with someone else or date within a social circle that includes a date's ex. It's just a messy situation all round.

 

Unfortunately, I don't think he was ever your boyfriend. So, "yes," to both your questions. You don't have a choice. You need to get over it and move on. I suggest becoming unavailable and finding a new social circle. You don't need the anguish of seeing the two of them together. Nor of him trying to persuade you that it's okay and that you can all be friends. It's BS. You know what happened was not okay. But take the lesson learned and use it to make smarter decisions in the future.

[AndTheySay]

First of all, thank you for reading and responding. "I don't think he was ever your boyfriend" - I'm assuming you don't mean this in the literal sense as we've been officially going out for 4 weeks or so (should've mentioned that). Could you perhaps elaborate? Are you saying his heart was never really in it? Nothing has happened between him and this girl since it was settled that they were to be nothing more than friends - as a matter of fact, she is also in a relationship and has been for about 2 months now. I sort of agree with the messiness of it all, though... For a start, I never mention my boyfriend around her purely because I still feel a bit weird about it. "You know what happened was not okay." True... He's aware of this himself. At his friend's 18th, he asked if he had "messed things up too much" for anything to happen between us and maybe I should've gone ahead and told him that he had. It was probably stupid of me not to, but I really like the guy... The only reason I'd have to break up with him is over something that ended almost 4 months ago. I guess what I'm more concerned about is whether to iron out this crease once and for all by talking to him about it or to simply get over what happened between them, forget about it. Le sigh. Again, thank you! By the way, how can I break a post up into a paragraph? The enter key doesn't seem to work here...

Edited June 22, 2012 by AndTheySay

[january2011]

From my reading of your OP, there was overlap and he was seeing this girl while he was also seeing you.

 

Regardless, I think that you need to ask yourself what you need to do to move on from this and not have it come back to haunt you. Personally, I'm not a bygones person when it comes to the betrayal of trust. I'd let him go. It's not your job to repair him. He's got to work it out for himself. Focus on yourself.

 

Edit: My enter/return key is working fine. Try turning your keyboard upside down and shaking it out - perhaps something got trapped under the keys...

[AndTheySay]

I must say I wasn't expecting a response of this kind. There was overlap in the sense that he would "hang out" with us both (or as I found out only last night, he hung out with her one occasion between times, at least), yes... I didn't know what to make of this so-called hanging out, though I liked him. Well, we were only getting to know each other then... We texted all the time but rarely spoke in person - I'm an awkward one, y'see. This girl, on the other hand, is very forward and forms friendships right off the bat. We're at the same school (he's just finished) and whilst she would approach him for a chat if she saw him, I'd simply smile/wave, and walk on. Ah, I digress.... Whilst I respect how you would deal with it, I'm a very forgiving/foolish person – it could be argued either way. I wouldn't have it in me to break up with him, not now. (My key's not the problem – I can use it to create paragraphs before submitting my reply just fine, but in the final post they seem to merge into one!)

[january2011]

If you can't break up with him, then you're going to have to find a way to get over this. In which case, yes, talk to him about it. I suggest also coming up with strategies regarding his friendship with this girl. If she's still in the picture, even as a friend, she's a potential source of conflict. How are you both going to handle that conflict?

 

RE your keyboard - I'm not sure what the problem is then. It could be a browser issue if you're able to paragraph normally in other programmes. For example, a setting that's remove the line breaks.

[RiverRunning]

If you can't break up with him, then you're going to have to find a way to get over this. In which case, yes, talk to him about it. I suggest also coming up with strategies regarding his friendship with this girl. If she's still in the picture, even as a friend, she's a potential source of conflict. How are you both going to handle that conflict?

 

RE your keyboard - I'm not sure what the problem is then. It could be a browser issue if you're able to paragraph normally in other programmes. For example, a setting that's remove the line breaks.

 

January has excellent advice as usual, OP. Conflict resolution is important. I don't see this issue just magically disappearing now that she has a boyfriend and he has a girlfriend. In fact, if they're still hanging out and he obviously still finds her attractive - that's only going to be a temptation that's going to cause even more trouble.

 

You guys have been dating officially for a month and already you're wrestling with these sorts of issues. Not even past 8 months since this whole thing started and all of this is going on. He's not even been single for 6 months yet. Since he has friends who are just turning 18, I'm going to assume the two of you are somewhere between 17 - 20. It makes his behavior a little less surprising.

 

What you need to do, OP, is get very adept at setting boundaries. Is this a first relationship for you? It gets easy to think that keeping your mouth shut or 'not trying to be jealous' is going to get you brownie points and make your boyfriend treat you better. Heh heh. Man, do I ever have stories about that.

 

If you're GENUINELY okay with him being friends with this girl - which I doubt, since she's a reminder of so much trouble on your path to getting somewhere - fine. If you AREN'T, there's nothing wrong with that. More often than not, being friends with any kind of ex causes far more complications and problems than it brings about benefits. I've seen too many friends attempt to be friends with their exes.

 

I can't think of a single case where it ended well. Whether it was a FWB, ex-girlfriend, or just a girl-guy-was-strongly-attracted-to. It never ends well. In fact, most of the whole 'friendship' doesn't go well.

 

I think you need to set boundaries. Let him know that you're not comfortable with his friendship with her, if in fact you go that route. I really think that's the first and best way to start moving on from this and having a more stable friendship. And gauge his reaction to that response. Is he particularly close to this girl, even before he was interested? My feeling is that if he's not willing to at least consider tabling her, and if he immediately reacts defensively and can't understand your perspective, you do need to dump him.

 

There are only so many options here for moving on: I'm not sure if I would jump to "dump him" just yet. But in the meantime, on the road to recovery, it does involve him taking actions to make you feel more secure. You can't just wish away your feelings.